If Google was a Ukrainian state enterprise

If Google were a Ukrainian state enterprise, then ...

1) Search queries would have to be submitted in writing, on a special form, on Tuesday and Thursday from nine to eleven in the morning, at the place of registration. For this, it would be necessary to defend a queue of thirty people.

2) A written request form would include the request itself, as well as your date of birth, address of registration, place of actual residence, number of children, identification code, passport data. By request, you must paste a color photo (as on a passport), three months old. A written request must be submitted in an amount of three copies;

3) The following documents are attached to the request:
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• certificate of no criminal record;

• certificate of the absence of debts for utilities, including a certificate of the absence of debts for heating until 2002;

• certificate of the narcologist and the psychiatrist about capacity;

• registration certificate or military ID;

• a written statement from parents, girlfriends and adult children that they are not opposed to you submitting an application to search on the Internet. If you have minor children, a decision of the board of guardianship is necessary;

• the conclusion of the expert committee at the Ministry of the Interior that your request cannot lead to disclosure of state secrets (documents are accepted every third Saturday of an odd month from 4:00 pm to 4:30 pm);

• the conclusion of the regional department of the National Morality Commission that your request does not contain mat and pornography (documents at the place of registration are temporarily not accepted due to repairs.

• a certificate from the clinic that you have received a routine vaccination and that no harmful viruses penetrate the Internet through a request;

• certificate of the absence of other search queries considered by Google GP;

4) Before submitting the request, you must pay:

• search cost (four hundred fifty hryvnia);
• insurance premium (eight hryvnia fifty kopecks);
• mandatory voluntary contribution to the Google Future Fund (93 hryvnia 11 kopecks);

5) The request is accepted for consideration only after the signing of the Additional Agreement, according to which you agree not to use other search services on the Internet for three years from the date of signing the agreement. The agreement is signed in the presence of a notary public (the cost of the state notary services is 150 hryvnia);

6) For "Extract from the Internet" (the official name of the search results) should appear no earlier than twenty working days, having stood one more queue. You will receive the results in printed form (matrix printer, due to the lack of funds in the state budget, the graphic materials in the search results will not be printed).

7) If there are no results yet, you need to wait another twenty working days, after which you can repeat the request;

8) In case you own a website on the Internet and provide free access to information, according to the Law N666-66 of February 39, 2010, due to the need for government regulation of information policy on the Internet, as well as for the unification of search services and for the convenience of access of citizens Ukraine to the information on the Internet, you must:

• Immediately transfer all information from your site to the Ukrainian Ukrainian State Enterprise on 3.5-inch diskettes (only diskettes of the Google-Diskette private enterprise are allowed at a cost of 25 hryvnia per item!);

• after receiving confirmation, remove all information from your website for 5 calendar days.

PS In no case did not want to offend the Ukrainian colleagues. I think that if Google was a Russian PMU, everything would have been no less :-)