Moon made of cheese

It's amazing how confidently and convincingly you can say the most absurd things.

I bring to your attention an excerpt from the transcript of the debate between Ph.D. Karl Johnson, the leader of the rapidly developing movement “Heavenly Food,” and astronomer Mark Howard.

Host : Gentlemen, welcome to the debate! Today's topic: the composition of the moon. For years, the schoolchildren were taught only one theory about the composition of our heavenly sister, the Moon, known as the “Moon is made of stone” (LSIK). But this theory has recently come under fire from a group of religious and political activists who demand equal time to teach their own views, known as the Heavenly Food Theory (NP). Teachers and scientists claim that the NP theory is just a primitive reworking of the ancient theory “The moon is made of cheese”. Our current debate will focus on the difference between these two intriguing areas of research, in the hope that listeners will better understand both theories. Karl, you have the floor.

Karl : Thank you. Gentlemen, this evening I'm going to tell you something shocking. Most scientists do not want you to hear this. They fear that if you reveal the truths that I am going to tell you, you will stop funding their research. You will deprive them of the exclusive right to choose what our children should learn in science lessons. But, fortunately, today you will be armed with the latest achievements of science and proven facts that will allow you to reject the senseless theory that suffocates our education. I speak, of course, of the theory "The moon is made of stone." What are you saying? What scientists have proven that the moon is made of stone? No, gentlemen. Today I must declare that they have no evidence. “The moon is made of stone,” or abbreviated as LSIK, is just a theory. She has not been proven. And until it is proven, all we need is to give our Heavenly Food theory the same amount of training hours.
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Host : Thank you, Karl. Mark, please.

Mark : First of all, I just can’t believe that nowadays you can discuss this topic in general. But, since we are gathered today in this studio, let me briefly answer. The moon is absolutely made of stone. It is a fact. We have a huge amount of evidence. We have stones from the moon. We conducted thousands of chemical tests of the lunar rock - they all show that the moon is made of stone. We sent astronauts to the moon - they claim that the moon is really made of stone. Yes, indeed, we still do not know exactly how the moon was formed. We have some interesting ideas on this subject, and we are conducting research. But for someone to believe that the moon is made of cheese - I can not even imagine it!

Host : Thank you, Mark. Charles?

Karl : Gentlemen, Mr. Howard wants you to think that all scientists agree with the LSIC theory. But this is absolutely not true. For example, I - Ph.D. in the field of nutrition and statistics - disagree with her. Moreover, many of my colleagues have great difficulties with the theory of LSIK. Leading astronomers and those hardly accept this theory. For example, just this April, NASA scientists noted: "There are many questions about the chemical composition of the moon."

Mark : This quote is roughly taken out of context. You know as well as I do that NASA was then discussing the exact composition of the moonstone. They have no doubt that the moon is made of stone, and in no way claim that it is made of cheese!

Karl : Let the audience decide this. I argue that many questions about the composition of the moon remain unresolved, but Mark Howard wants you to believe that there are no more doubts at all. This is simply not true.

Host : Let's look at your theory of Heavenly Food, Carl. I would be glad if you tell us how your research shows that the moon consists of dairy products.

Karl : I'll be glad too. For hundreds of years, people intuitively understood that the moon is made of cheese. This is indeed more than obvious, unless you are hiding behind a smoke screen of science-like words. Let's do the simplest thought experiment. If you open a refrigerator in your house and see something greenish-white with small holes, you decide that it is cheese. The same will be solved by any other reasonable person. Why should we draw other conclusions regarding the object in the sky? Logically, we should reason in the same way: The moon is white, the moon has holes - therefore, it is cheese. But do not take my statements on faith - I have statistical facts in support of them.

Host : Let's get acquainted with your arguments. As you know, for a long time, the “Moon Made Of Cheese” theory was mainly based on dogma. Poets, writers, artists claimed that the moon is based on cheese. But you claim that the theory of Heavenly Food includes new data.

Karl : Exactly. First, let's take a look at the so-called "scientific" theory, which is now taught in schools. Scientists tell us that the Moon is a huge stone ball, rotating (according to astronomical concepts) next to the Earth - another huge stone ball. Does this make sense, let me ask? Is it possible for two stone balls to be side by side in space? Let's get to the question from a mathematical point of view. According to scientists, the ratio in space between empty space and stones is simply gigantic. Jump to an arbitrary point in space - and you will almost certainly find yourself in a zone completely free of stones. If so, what are the chances that two stone balls will be in space next? I completed the calculations, and the chances turned out to be zero. Of all the places in space that a stone ball can be in, the probability that it will be near the Earth is so small that statistically this is impossible. The question arises: if a ball of stone cannot turn out to be near the Earth, then what can the Moon consist of? And of course, the only other possibility is a bowl of cheese.

Mark : This is just ridiculous. You think that the Moon just originated in an arbitrary place, from nowhere. No scientist will even argue with that. You ignored everything we know about the origin of solar systems, planets and moons. Moreover, even if you can prove that the moon is not made of stone, there is no reason to consider cheese the only other alternative. What are the chances of a cheese ball next to Earth?

Karl : I can’t show you my calculations right now, but believe me, I’m working on them. The difficulty is that, since science previously completely ignored the theory of Heavenly Food, we have no data on the relationship between cheese and empty space in the Universe. Until science takes our theory seriously, we will have to collect this data ourselves, and this will take time.

Mark : Science has no reason to study the content of cheese in the Universe. We have not found cheese anywhere except Earth. On the other hand, we found a mass of stones on the moon. How can you explain this?

Karl : Mark refers to the so-called "stone evidence" collected on the moon by astronauts; according to scientists, they prove their theory. Needless to say that the evidence is, at best, suspicious? Astronauts visited a very small part of the moon. The stones collected by them are an insignificant part of the entire composition of the Moon. A small mental experiment: Imagine that you are a tiny astronaut from the moon. You fly to planet Earth and land in Wisconsin, which is known to be rich in cheese. And you land just on the big cheese head. You exit the ship, collect samples and take them to your moon. Then lunar scientists examine the samples and determine that the earth is made of cheese! I think we can all see that NASA scientists made the same mistake. They sent astronauts to a couple of isolated places on the moon containing stones. But we did not see any samples from the vast areas between the landing sites. They bring us tiny pieces of the puzzle and expect that this will be enough for us to make final conclusions. But we have no reason for these conclusions! The probability that the moon is made of stone is no more than the likelihood that the earth is made of cheese.

Mark : Karl is right. We really do not have a sample of every inch of the moon. It is simply impossible to assemble them. We simply have no money to send millions of expeditions to the Moon. But fortunately, this is not necessary. The samples delivered from the moon are part of the overall picture, and each of them is consistent with the theory that the moon is made of stone. We cannot prove that every centimeter of the moon consists of a stone, but we have shown that this is most likely. Karl, I want to ask: how is it that every time we landed on the moon, we found ourselves on a large piece of stone? Is this a coincidence?

Karl : I don't know, Mark. I do not have to prove it. You are the one who claims that the whole moon is made of stone. And it is you who claim that this is the only theory that children should teach.

Mark : We have no samples from all parts of the moon, but at least no cheese was found there at all!

Karl : That's it. This is exactly what science is trying to make us believe. I suspect, however, that scientists hide cheese facts, because they will bring down the whole building of science. This is not the first time science is involved in fraud. Recall, for example, the Buzz Aldrin Disorder. As you know, in 1982, Mr. Aldrin was detained after he told a girl at the bar that he had a real moon breed in his pocket. However, subsequent chemical analyzes have shown that the stones come from a ranch in Montana. Will you deny that this case is a real scientific lie?

Mark : Yes, we heard about the Buzz incident. However, let me remind you that it was scientists who discovered this deception and publicly exposed it. Science is so good that each statement is thoroughly checked by a whole group of scientists.

Karl : Nevertheless, it shows that scientists can lead people by the nose perfectly. Moreover, I am quite sure that the samples brought from the moon are not stones at all. If you look at them closely, you can see that they are no different from the old, dried cheese! Anyone who has left the cheese for a couple of days in a dry, cool place (the moon is something like this) knows that cheese is capable of becoming as hard as stone. And now think how strongly the cheese will harden in several billion years of rotation around the Earth! So science has not proved at all that these samples are not from cheese.

Mark : You say that it may be cheese, but this does not mean that it is really cheese. Are you a geologist? Did you even have chemistry at school?

Karl : Well, here you go again to the scientific elite, as if ordinary people are not smart enough to understand the structure of the moon.

Mark : No, you are treating listeners like idiots.

Karl : Mark, Mark, Mark. Science has tried many times to disprove the theory of Heavenly Food, and each time it suffered a shameful fiasco. Scientists have said that the moon cannot be made from cheese because the holes in the cheese are small and the moon have large holes. To this we replied that a head of cheese the size of the moon should have holes of the appropriate size. They said that for the manufacture of a piece of cheese of this size you need the milk of giant cows. We replied that giant cows may well live outside the solar system. They said that cheese of this magnitude should smell so much that ...

Mark : Scientists have never said such a thing. You yourself come up with arguments and deny them themselves.

Karl : Well, well, so be it, but after all, your science has not considered any of these possibilities at all! Why did you not want to make a giant odor gauge and send it into space, as required by celestial food supporters? Why, and? Are you afraid of the discoveries that can be made with such an odor sensor?

Mark : This is pointless. Scientists do not have time to chase after every underdone theory thrown at their faces. We work on the basis of our knowledge. And we know that all materials delivered from the moon are made of stone. No one has yet presented any evidence of cheese. What makes you think that we will give up everything and run to meet your idiotic claims?

Karl : But you do not know that the whole moon is a stone. You can not say this. You have studied only the microscopic part of the moon.

Mark : Countless separate experiments give the same result.

Karl : But you can't know for sure. It is possible that the moon is made of cheese.

Mark : This is extremely unlikely. It is so unlikely that it is pointless to consider it.

Karl : But is it still possible?

Mark : Yes, it is possible. In the sense that even the extremely unlikely is still possible.

Karl : Exactly. And that is why the theory of Heavenly Food should be taught in school along with the theory of LSIK. We do not know which one is correct. Millions of Americans firmly believe that the moon is cheese, and their views must be respected.

Mark : You say that you should teach something that no famous scientist believes.

Karl : And why should scientists have a monopoly on science? I say, let the people decide for themselves. Anyone who has an idea for which he feels hot feelings deserves this idea to be taught to schoolchildren in public schools.

Mark : This is absurd. Why else do they introduce science lessons at school, if not to teach them the generally accepted science?

Karl : All that we ask is to give our children the opportunity to learn the truth.

Mark : Whose truth?

Karl : Mine, naturally. The moon is made of cheese, Mark. It's time to stop arguing and just admit this fact.

translation from Damian Carroll