Can you say no?

The art of saying no: one who is not able to refuse others, is forced to abandon himself There are people who, although they know the word no, are completely unable to refuse someone. "Will you taste bacon in chocolate?" They will be asked. "Of course, thank you so much" (I hope I won't be sick).

I read a similar article in the history, and it helped me a lot


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"Do not want to participate in fundraising for the landscaping of the moon?". And they will answer: "Of course, always dreamed about it." Inability to refuse is a serious problem for a person.

"If you do not marry me, I will drink three liters of gasoline and die in terrible agony - and all because of you." It would seem that appeasable people are much more pleasant for others than stubborn people. Compliant people are kind, responsive, ready at one o'clock to listen to a friend's telephone confession and offer their help. But paradoxically, these priceless people are not too respected, others quickly sit on their neck and get used to exploit.

And most importantly - “to all agreeable” people spoil their own lives, constantly choosing not what they want, but what they offer them. In other words, those who are not able to refuse others, are forced to abandon themselves.

Of course, in pure form there are not so many people "for all consonants". But almost everyone has areas in which to say "no" to them is almost impossible, whether it is overtime work, another child's whim or even harassment on the street "Participate in a survey, just 5 minutes!"

What makes agree?
Most often, the style of always saying "yes" a person develops in childhood. Later it becomes a lifestyle, career and destiny. Thin world is better than a good quarrel? Consequently, “compromise” allows you to keep the peace. And often - at the expense of abandoning their desires. The answer "no" seems to be a harbinger of catastrophe and rupture

Guilt plays a crucial role in the failure to refuse. As one of my friends remarked: "When I refuse a person, even a nasty one, I feel a little pig." “Consent” is an attempt to avoid guilt.

Where does it come from? Very often parents play on guilt feelings to control the child’s behavior: “If you put on this nightmarish red hat, my mother’s heart will break into pieces.” After such manipulations, the child learns for a long time: it is necessary to behave so that others approve of it, otherwise something bad will happen. This children's conviction migrates into adulthood. "No" continues to be a dangerous and taboo word.

But what to do if conflicts are woven into the very fabric of life: they are inevitable both in love, and at work, and with children. And the desire to avoid conflict leads to a loss of quality of life. In addition, an attempt to please everyone in the world is doomed to failure. To paraphrase a well-known saying, everyone can only like a gold piece. Therefore, it remains to remain faithful to yourself and abandon imposed on others. That is, to master the art of refusal: to say "no" so that no one was hurt.
Economy "yes" and "no"
Suppose you declined an invitation to a completely inspirational date. What do you gain? First, free time, which can be spent on more necessary or pleasant things. Secondly, you clearly demonstrated your attitude towards the inviter.

Then what do you lose? First, he might be offended. Well, what to do? Secondly, you can permanently lose a fan (if he is not very pleasant to you in advance, this is hardly a great loss). And maybe you do not know what to do with the suddenly free evening.

And yet: you should first think about the consequences, and then say "yes" or "no." To agree only on what you really love. Otherwise, it is a waste of time, excessive loads, a headache, and in the end anyway, dissatisfaction with yourself. In any case, it is useful to develop the habit of not accepting the default of any proposal. Better answer: "I have to think. I will give an answer tomorrow." Because after a rash agreement, to change your mind and refuse is even more difficult.

Hold your pocket wider
If you haven’t managed to say the word “no” for years, we need a banal training session. Just play “pig”, practice deep selfishness. But remember: this is just training. That is, you became a pig for a certain time - for a couple of days, for a week, until eight in the evening.

For beginners, the ideal sphere of services and trade. Despite the rudeness of individual characters, the philosophy of any institution is usually on the client side, which is always right.

For example, resolutely refuse the restaurant to eat meat, which, in your opinion, is not roasted enough, and return it to the waiter with appropriate comments. Console yourself so that this conflict will benefit all consumers. Refuse to lend to a friend. Do not participate in the collection for a gift to a colleague, whose existence you have just learned. Interrupt the long and boring phone conversation for you.

This is not just skill training. An important discovery awaits you: your refusal does not lead to world catastrophes.

Smile - free

To refusal looked elegant, good to learn "to lay straws." Sometimes the interlocutor will not even notice that he was refused. Here are some common tactics:

- Uncertainty: “Great offer! But not today”; "Let's talk about this as soon as I do the urgent work." Then you can, without shame, delay the decision and negotiations. (This tactic is not always perfect, as discussed below.)

- Just honestly express your feelings. Actually, this is not a refusal at all, but information about your experiences: "I am horrified at the thought of the three-day visit of your uncle from Nizhny Novgorod."
- Alternative solution instead of refusal: "And let's better pay your uncle from the Lower hotel ...".
- You can refer to your principles or loyalty to a third party: "I would like to go to a cafe with you, but, I am afraid, my husband will not understand this"; "Unfortunately, I do not loan anyone."
- Conditional consent - you show your interlocutor that your consent is expensive. "I can only do this if it is absolutely necessary, but I would prefer that someone else take care of your parrot."

When politeness is not the best way
There are situations in which only remains that say hard, like a diamond, "no." Especially if people habitually expect your consent. And you should never explain the reasons for the refusal in detail. Otherwise, the persistent interlocutor will torture you with endless questions:

- How are you not coming? But why?
- I just can not.
- But why? You're completely free this evening ...
- Because I can not.
- No, please explain why you can not?
- I have already explained everything. I said I can't.

Having played a little bit in the jammed record, the conversation should be finished. And do not try to tell or invent what you plan to do in the evening. Even if you decide to lie the whole evening on the couch - why on earth should you be accountable to this? Similarly, refusing to lend, you are not required to give a full account of your financial situation, and saying no to a request to stay with you for three days, you are not required to provide an apartment plan, an inventory of sheets, pillows and beds or your weekly schedule. For a reasonable person, "I can not" - this is a sufficient argument. The exceptions are the closest and loved ones, which are few.

Finally, there are people who simply blackmail others with guilt feelings. Most often, such games are developed in a romantic relationship. "If you do not marry me, I will drink three liters of gasoline and die in terrible agony - and all because of you." In such a situation, you should designate your borders with all clarity: the faster and more resolutely you answer “no”, the more beneficial it will be for you.

Often, the refusal is sobering and the interlocutor: he should understand that only he himself is responsible for his actions. And why should he drink gas if he sees that he doesn’t touch you at all?