Those. support is not needed

Recently, a technical director at the company where Dudley H. works where she found a surprising revelation: technical support should never be needed. If a client has a question about one of their products, then the problem is probably in the product. Perhaps the UI is indistinct. Perhaps a little documentation. Or the instructions are confusing. Regardless of the cause, every client problem means that someone — a developer, tester, or helpdesk employee — has done a poor job and should try to improve his part.

Naturally, most of the helpdesk lobbied against the revelation of those. The director counterargument is that most users are just lazy, stupid or lazy and stupid, and no amount of improvements will change that. Not that their protest influenced anything ... Those. the director has developed and approved a new rule, according to which written reports “problem / improvement” should be made on all client issues, and all reports should be sent up. Being exemplary workers, Dudley and his tech-helpers from the helpdesk sat down to write these reports.

  ------------------------------------------------- 
 HANDLING # 88274
 ------------------------------------------------- 
 Customer Question:
 “In your campaign you can finally try to READ any inlay
 Well, you finally can give so to do etozh laughter even after 7 years, I RZHU 
 Exactly how you suppressed how well you understood me! ”

 Problem point:
 We did not provide the client with a version of the manual in a distorted language. 
 without punctuation.

 Improvement goal:
 Many companies completely miss the distorted market segment. 
 without punctuation, and we are one of them.  It is important not to forget that not everyone 
 the client will understand “Click the“ Submit ”button to save the changes”, there is 
 those who understand only “zhmakni square apprait shoby SAVE what 
 Well, you understand". 

')

  ------------------------------------------------- 
 HANDLING # 88279
 ------------------------------------------------- 
 Customer Question:
 “I understand that problems are on our side, but you could at least 
 Try to cheer me up while I complained to you!  THAT'S WHAT IT IS - 
 SUPPORT!!!"

 Problem point:
 Our technician didn’t cheer the client up 
 complained about a reason not related to our company.

 Improvement goal:
 Instead of professionalism and courtesy, the technician should 
 to know that the customer was upset before making the call, so the call 
 you must respond with a funny squeaky tone and dilute the conversation with circus 
 musical intermezzi. 

  ------------------------------------------------- 
 HANDLING # 88304
 ------------------------------------------------- 
 Customer Question:
 “I have EVERYTHING problem with my Hotmail account.  At least tell them 
 write to me if they care, and tell me to fix it.  MozhT TEH SAPPORT
 lost it?  Mozht they need turpentine or something to wash them w # @ ^?
 I did not say that NA should not be a typo?  that's enough for me!"

 Problem point:
 Our technician could not solve the problem with the product of another 
 companies, more precisely with Hotmail from Microsoft.

 Improvement goal:
 Although our specialists do not work for Microsoft, they should 
 It was prudent to work there for several years, to become experts, 
 before taking a vacancy in our company.  Our techies shirk 
 and that's it. 

  ------------------------------------------------- 
 HANDLING # 88311
 ------------------------------------------------- 
 Customer Question:
 "I read on the site that your program found a gap in 
 security.  (gives a link to the site).  Kada you plan to eliminate it, 
 because without it I refuse to use it. ”

 Problem point:
 A technician suggested that the client read the following. 
 message in a note on the site where it is said that the security breach 
 closed less than two days after discovery ... three years ago.

 Improvement goal:
 Start each letter, support response and telephone conversation with ora:
 “WELCOME TO (THE COMPANY) WHERE WE HAVE CORRECTED A SMALL GAP 
 SAFETY SEVERAL YEARS AGO! ” 

  ------------------------------------------------- 
 HANDLING # 88318
 ------------------------------------------------- 
 Customer Question:
 "You become what you were"
 (This is the full text of the letter from the client)

 Problem point:
 Although it is unclear whether this is a complaint or not, it is completely understandable that 
 the technician "becomes" in some way different, 
 rather than he was at some point in the past.

 Improvement goal:
 Every technician should be more careful with 
 “Becoming” and be sure that will not change.  In this case, 
 the client will potentially thank him for the fact that “you are becoming 
 exactly the same as now. "  And this gratitude will give advancement. 

  ------------------------------------------------- 
 HANDLING # 88334
 ------------------------------------------------- 
 Customer Question:
 “You are wrong, check with Bob Williams.  I talked to him on 
 last week, and his answer is against what you are saying 
 now".

 Problem point:
 Although Bob Williams does not work in our company for two and a half 
 years, names must be entered into the memory of a technician 
 addresses and phone numbers of all past employees of the company.  what 
 allow him to phone Bob while the customer is waiting on the line.  But, 
 if Bob does not work for the company due to death, the specialist 
 must appeal to the transcendental forces of existential tissue 
 of things - which he had to master in the first week of study, - 
 to get in touch with Bob in another dimension.

 Improvement goal:
 Move back in time and chat with Bob one-on-one, 
 relatively contradictory information that he fed customers. 
 Then mercilessly unruly. 

Soon after reading the first batch of reports, the technical director found a new revelation: many users are simply lazy, stupid or lazy and stupid, and no amount of improvements will change this.