I am a specialist, or “everyone can drive a car and treat people”

Wife prepares scrambled eggs for breakfast.
Suddenly, a husband runs into the kitchen:
- Careful, - he says, - CAUTION! Put more butter!
Oh my God! You fry a lot of eggs at once! TOO MUCH!!!
Turn them over! JUMP THEM RIGHT NOW !!! Need more oil! Oh my God!
WHERE should we get MORE OIL? Now they will stick!
Caution! CAUTION! I said - Beware!
You NEVER listen to me when you make scrambled eggs !!! NEVER!!!
Turn them over! QUICKLY!!! What are you, psycho? !!!
Are you completely crazy? !!! Do not forget to salt!
You always forget to salt! Use SALT!
USE SALT! SO-OO-OO-L !!!

The wife looks at her husband in surprise:
- What's wrong with you today?
You think I'm not able to cook an elementary scrambled eggs?
The husband calmly explains:
“I wanted to show you what I feel when I drive a car ...”


Here inspired by this post "95% done . "
For four years of working as a freelancer (translator and programmer), I had only once or twice dissatisfied customers.
')


I will say right away - with such a customer, which is described in a post, telling me that I need to slow down in front of a settlement and where to turn if I work, it will only be in hourly pay conditions. Because I am not a robot, not his direct subordinate and not an errand boy at the master, ready to carry out any assignment and exactly as the master wants. If someone wants to have such control over the work - hire a person, create a workplace in the office for him and tell him what to do. At the same time it will be immediately clear how such measures affect the performance.

Maybe I’m too demanding and it may even seem to someone that arrogant is quite possible. For my part, I also have the right to evaluate the customer as a person and draw certain conclusions. In the end, no one forces to conclude a contract with me. There are offers and cheaper, and faster, and with a more attractive, as it is now fashionable to say, "portfolio".

When communicating with customers before we reach an agreement, I try to adhere to the following principles:

• If you start a conversation with the question “Why is it so expensive?”, Then our conversation, most likely, on your phrase will end. You were wrong, you do not need me, but someone else.
• If we agree on payment for the actual project, then the “project” means what was provided to me prior to the time of our agreement. No "I also mentioned in ICQ that" and "well, it is also indicated there" and others "are not accepted. On this occasion, we will agree separately.
• Tell me why you need it, and I will try to understand WHAT you need. You already have a ready TK - excellent, I can follow it. But do not blame me afterwards if suddenly it turns out that the software should work differently or if you did not take into account something. I may appreciate the project and propose some improvements before it starts, but not after that - only by a separate agreement.
• Just so that you do not forget - in the column "telepathy" in my profile is a fat minus. So do not be silent, speak!
• If you think that you know better how it should be done - do it, then why do you need it for this? I do as I can, I can willingly listen to your advice, if it is efficient. I can listen to two tips. Beginning with the third council, I will either ignore you, or stop doing anything at all.
• You know what and how it should be done and you want to follow every step. Hire a student to the office, let him work. You don't need me.
• I do not use the Chinese and Indians as assistants, so the amount that Vasya offered you will not suit me. Maybe I will have errors in the comments in English, but at least the code will be clear to those who read.
• No, I will not ask for more. For this work, I want exactly so much, even if suddenly I suddenly have an unintended “information layer,” I will redo it myself, this is my risk, that's why I want more than Vasya. Otherwise it may be your risk ... the risk of not getting a project at all.
• Do you need this to work the day after tomorrow morning? Great, then write down to yourself that the night before that you work as a project tester. Yes, I test my code, and it suits me - so that it suits you, test it too. If you don’t want to - then don’t be surprised why I’m going to do this for a week more than Vasya, and I ask for this, respectively, more.
• Do you expect weekly reports from me, what have I done? Well, then multiply the amount of the project by one and a half ... you have to pay for non-freedom.

After the agreement is reached and the project starts, you have to be honest (anything can happen with projects). I will try to continue in the same style:

• If I understand that I don’t have time to do it in time, then I report it when I begin to assume it. Do not be afraid, it is quite possible that I will be in time and in time, but there is a risk for you. I am truly sorry when the project is completed, we can discuss how I should suffer because of this.
• I will try to answer any email with questions within an hour. Since I also work with this, I will be brief. We need a more extensive answer - let's go to Skype or call.
• You already have a lot of suggestions how to make the project better, what should be different there. Well, I will look at them. Maybe if I am in a good mood, I will even program some of this. But, most likely, you will have to wait until I finish with what you gave me at the very beginning.
• Does it seem to you that I am not doing anything if I have not provided a new version with new functions in three days? Please, I’ll give you a couple of new forms in Photoshop in 10 minutes, you’ll definitely like it. In the meantime, in the meantime, try to implement them.
• You found a bug in my program, bug or something else. Ok, come on, I'll fix it now. And do not shout at me that I am not testing my code: it never occurred to me that you would try to write your age in Roman numerals and think that the program should automatically recalculate it, or specify “parquet” as the floor, although There is a choice of "male" and "female."
• The program crashes if you enter a negative age. For sure. Now I put the check. I already told you - my code suited me, I somehow never have to enter negative values ​​there.
• You switched to a new version of the office and exporting from my program no longer works as it used to. Well, what did you want? Having bought a new car, you are not trying to start it with keys from an old one. I don’t know if I can fix it quickly, I’ll look and try to estimate the time.

With this approach, in most cases the project passes without any surprises and problems. Problems arise mainly when a client “fusses” and tries to get more transparency than is necessary for work. Someone, no doubt, such proznachnost vital. But certainly not a freelancer ...

Comments, additions and changes are welcome!

UPD1: I rewrote the paragraph about the Roman numerals a bit, removed the negative age. I just do not do web development at all, but mostly middleware and desktop, I have a slightly different idea about data entry.
UPD2: Replaced the word “professional” in the name with the word “specialist”.
UPD3: It’s just for those who for some reason think that in the same tone and “to you” I am breaking up with customers: no, no, and again no. Only on “You” in compliance with all norms of professional ethics and ethics of communication. “You” and a certain epotage are only for the purpose of making the text dynamic.