What is assertiveness and why is it needed?

Assertiveness is a whole complex of “soft skills” that help a lot in personal and working life. In a broad sense, this is the ability to feel confident regardless of the opinions of others and at the same time to be in harmony with other people.

What are assertiveness skills, how to develop them and why is it necessary? How to set aside personal boundaries without breaking the boundaries of others? Why are assertive employees valuable for companies? We understand together with the psychologist Maria Berlin .

What is assertiveness?

Generally speaking, this is the ability of a person to confidently and with dignity defend their rights without compromising the rights of others. An assertive person is aware of and is able to express his feelings and desires, can stand up for his values, and at the same time he feels comfortable in communicating with others.
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Psychological research has shown that a person’s assertiveness level is positively correlated with his psychological health and self-esteem . If a person is psychologically healthy and has no problems with self-esteem - he is most likely assertive, and vice versa.

Assertiveness depends on the personality characteristics - physical, psychological. For example, for introverts and extraverts, it can manifest itself in different ways, while everyone will be in harmony with himself and others, be able to convey their thoughts, influence the situation and behave proactively. The ability to do all this is one of the components of a healthy and happy life.

What skills does assertiveness consist of?

All these skills are great help in situations where your participation is required. Developing them, you develop your assertiveness - move from a passive attitude towards your own life to an active one, you feel more confident.

How to understand that I am doing well with assertiveness?

Pay attention to how easy it is for you to express yourself in different situations. Being assertive means feeling comfortable when communicating with people of different levels of intimacy: relatives, friends, colleagues, strangers. If the interaction does not spoil your mood, you do not worry, do not try to manipulate and can influence what is happening - most likely, with assertiveness, everything is in order.

There is an assertive behavior model developed by psychologist Manuel Smith. It consists of 10 beliefs - descriptions of rights that an assertive person accepts and implements. Here's how they sound:

1) I have the right to evaluate my own behavior, thoughts and emotions and be responsible for their consequences.

There are beliefs that make it difficult to accept it. “All of a sudden I’ll show myself inconsiderate?” “And who am I to judge myself?” “Let someone more intelligent and authoritative tell me if I am acting correctly.” An assertive person understands: independently assessing his behavior is his inalienable right.

2) I have the right not to apologize or explain my behavior

Installation, which prevents to realize this right, sounds like this: "I have to justify myself to other people, always explain my actions and apologize." But no: you have the right not to make excuses for your actions.

3) I have the right to independently consider whether I am responding at all, and if so, to what degree for solving other people's problems.

Another characteristic of an assertive person is the ability to understand when it is necessary to solve the problems of other people, and when not, and be responsible for their decisions. Contradicting this right can be: “I must always sacrifice my time and dignity, be able to adapt. The problems of other people have a higher priority than it may seem to me. ”

4) I have the right to change my mind

Suppose you have expressed one point of view, and then you have new information, and changed your opinion. There is nothing wrong with that. Moreover, change is a sign of growth. You can be manipulated: “you have double standards”, “it means you were wrong”. But to err is normal. From this right the following follows:

5) I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for my mistakes.

In our culture, this is a painful topic: we are afraid of making mistakes, and if we made a mistake, we feel guilty for a long time. Many strive to ensure that they are constantly monitored (it is more difficult to make a mistake), and if something went wrong, it is better to hide it. It's hard to admit, but we all have the right to make mistakes. Such a right, however, exists in close conjunction with the responsibility that must be assumed and with the ability to justify its actions.

6) I have the right to say: "I do not know"

This is also hard for many people - especially for people with the syndrome of excellent or perfectionist. For example, a person at a presentation is asked a question, but he does not know the answer. The first thought: "We need to somehow get out, say something, so as not to look stupid." But you can say: "I do not know." Or "now I can not answer this question: there is no information." Or "let's look, who knows."

7) I have the right to be independent of the goodwill of the others and of their good attitude towards me.

The search for approval and dependence on him often suppress his true desires and needs in a person. If you constantly need approval and you act as it is convenient to others, then you probably restrain yourself: do not let it manifest itself that is important to you, regardless of the opinions of others.

8) I have the right to make illogical decisions.

It happens that the arguments presented to you are not enough to agree with any decision, even if everything sounds very logical. This applies to creative processes, situations where there is a lot of uncertainty or great risks. You cannot formulate a logical conclusion, but your intuition - and this is the result of accumulated knowledge and experience - can whisper: “You shouldn't do that.” You have the right to trust her.

9) I have the right to say: "I do not understand you"

A conviction that prevents you from exercising this right is: “It is better not to ask unnecessary questions, but to try to guess the thoughts of another person. I will say that I do not understand, I will lose relationships, support. ” This is not true. If it is important for you to understand the interlocutor, but it does not work out - ask a question. If another person is interested in a relationship, he will explain his point of view.

10) I have the right to say: “It does not interest me”

It is not necessary to respond to everything, to be interested in everything - it is even impossible. You have your own circle of interests, others have their own hobbies, and if they do not coincide with you, do not worry. An installation that prevents you from accepting this right: “If I don’t want to be interested in what others like, people will consider me indifferent or callous.”

In theory, I understand everything, but as it comes to the point, I begin to shake. What to do?

We need to find the reason why this happens. Perhaps you just do not have enough information or skill to behave in difficult situations as you would like. For example, you quickly lose when you are manipulated. You can cope with this problem by going to a special training. Another option is constant practice: participation in negotiations with more experienced colleagues on your side. A few sessions with a psychologist can help.

Perhaps the reason for the uncertainty lies deeper: in childhood there was not enough support from the family, there was a lot of criticism or other difficulties. Because of this, depression and a passive attitude towards life could develop - “it is better not to manifest”, or, conversely, aggression - “I will show you now.” Neither can be called assertive behavior. To recycle the traumatic experience, it is worth contacting a psychologist.

How to learn to say no?

There are six ways to refuse - if you really do not want or can not do something.

• Just “no” - basic human right to refuse

Sometimes it's enough just to say “no” and explain nothing: “No, it doesn't interest me”. In some cases (for example, they impose a service on you that is not needed) this is enough - without explanations and excuses.

• Empathizing "no"

If you cannot help, but you understand the interlocutor and sincerely empathize, say so: “I see that this is a very difficult situation, but now I cannot help”. The person who was denied will understand that he has been listened to - and he can already become easier.

• Justified no

This type of no is well suited for a working relationship: by refusing, you explain your position in detail. The interlocutor may not know the subtleties of your work, do not understand the level of employment - provide arguments. If they are persuasive, the person will understand why you refuse.

• Deferred no

It is suitable for difficult situations: for example, you feel that your “no” will not be accepted now and will push your position - even if your arguments are more convincing. You have stress, and in this state it is impossible to make an informed decision. Give a pause to yourself and your interlocutor. Your answer may be: “Now I can’t make promises, I need to think it over. Let's go back to this question in a week. ” Collect your thoughts and think about how you will justify the refusal - and maybe, after weighing all the pros and cons, you will understand that you should agree.

• Compromise "no"

For example, you are asked to urgently help colleagues from another department. Now you can not take on the task, but in principle are ready - at a convenient time for you and on convenient conditions. In this case, you can say a compromise "no": "Right now I can not, but in a week I am ready to take it." The decision will remain for the interlocutor.

• Diplomatic “no”

Suppose you are ready to help, but you cannot and do not want to do exactly what you are offered. Then you can say a diplomatic "no": "This I can not do, but let's look at the problem and look for some other solution or turn to a colleague who will help us to understand."

Remember the types of "no" and that the disagreement can be expressed in different ways. If you are under pressure - it may not look like direct pressure, but you feel bad: you are shaking, or you feel sick, or you feel weaker - it is important to understand that this is a manipulation. In such a situation, you have every right to say “no” and not go into excuses and explanations.

Perhaps you have met with an assertive interlocutor, and he is ready to listen to you. And perhaps you are being manipulated - here the ability to say “no” is opposed by so many emotional experiences, and in the ability to say “no” sustainability is important.

So assertiveness means building personal boundaries?

Personal boundaries - quite flexible structure. They vary depending on who you are talking to, in what situation, in what mood, whether you slept or not. The ability to feel when your personal boundaries are violated, and the ability to let know about it, but not aggressively, is assertive behavior.

And why do companies assertive employees?

Often at work, people for various reasons do not say what they are not happy with, they keep silent about problems. Look at the 10 principles above - they may sound scary for an organization like for a system. What happens if everyone starts to complain? But the recognition of these rights is very important for people and for the company. Assertive approach ensures honesty, transparency, openness and problem solving.

In the series “Chernobyl” there is a scene that remarkably illustrates assertive behavior - the meeting of Legasov and Gorbachev at a meeting after the explosion. Legasov tries to explain that the situation is bad, but everyone says that he is worried about trifles, and they are trying to hush up the matter. And he insists, he cannot afford to be out of touch with himself: if he keeps silent, he will come into conflict with his own position, attitudes. And he says: “Let me share my anxiety with all calmness and respect.” This is the assertive feed. Not “you all do not understand anything”, but calmness and demonstration of absolute confidence.

Assertive people with developed soft skills are involved in high level talks. They are able to conduct a dialogue, calmly and clearly expressing their position, while not infringing the rights of others.

What happens if you do not behave assertively?

Constant refusals of oneself — one's desires, positions, values; suppression of one's own feelings, actions - in the long run, they can lead to burnout , increased anxiety, and depression.

And if I change myself for some benefit?

This is a question of how you negotiated with yourself. You said to yourself: “Well, I need this now, and I consciously make such a decision, I bear responsibility for it.” If you manage to conclude such a contract with yourself, it is not a betrayal of yourself. But if you betrayed your beliefs and pretend that everything is good, this is not assertiveness, but internal manipulation.

Can there be too much assertiveness in a person?

No, assertiveness is always commensurate with the inner world of man. If you have a hundred convictions, then for you to be assertive is to be able to express them. Not necessarily everything, but at least the most important. For a person who has less desires, thoughts, assertiveness will be different. Assertiveness is still very connected with the concept of self-esteem. And it can not be much.

Is it possible to pump assertiveness on their own?

Yes. This is what will help here:

• Manuel Smith ’s Confidence Training .

• Exercise "Accounting for praise." Get a separate notebook and write down three things every day that you can praise yourself for. It develops the ability to speak and accept compliments - and these are components of assertive behavior.

• A hobby that allows you to express yourself. It can be vocal classes, dancing, acting classes, sports. The main thing is that the activity brings pleasure and allows one to express oneself - even more than usual.

If you can’t figure out for yourself what’s stopping you from behaving assertively, you should contact a psychologist.