Subjectivity
I feel, I want, I think, I do, I got ...
In many languages of the world, the word “I” contains few letters, and this indicates its importance - the more often a word is used, the shorter it becomes.
Frequently repeated “I” becomes familiar, ceases to be noticed and even voiced. If you have problems with getting results, pay attention to the second half of the phrase “I do” and try to improve the action.
')
But the formula “I do” consists of two components, so I suggest, nevertheless, to take a closer look at what every action begins with:
I will touch on abstraction, egoism, affection and support.
What is “me”? In our age of accessible Internet, one can easily read serious literature and find out, for example, that Kant separates the empirically-individual “I” from the pure. Jung defines the "self" as one of the archetypes in the "ego". For Freud, the "ego" is slightly different, and the "self" comes from "it." I walked along this road, and my main conclusion is - the more you know, the more different versions you have to take into account. And soon you start to forget exactly what you wanted to find.
Not only I try to understand the "I", many curious about us. To search for “ourselves,” we go in from different angles, add and filter manifestations, draw diagrams, collect statistics, and redo everything again, because different researchers have results that cannot be reconciled. From despair, we sneak a peek at religion, pepper philosophy, sift through neurobiology's scientific sieve, dilute it with psychology, sigh sadly and switch to other interesting topics. And what were you looking for?
“I” is what I realize as “myself.” Awareness is the result of the work of consciousness. Consciousness is ... On Habré there are many articles about the nature of consciousness , but they offer very different points of view. I repent, I did not read all existing articles and books. And I will never read everything, because they write on a popular topic faster than I can read.
Excess material is generated by the uncertainty of the term "consciousness". I have something, and I don’t understand what it is, please tell me how this something is arranged, I don’t know what, more precisely ... The technical task is so-so, not the best (draw several design options for the customer to choose) .
It does not help quoting dictionaries with dozens of definitions that are not compatible with each other. I will postpone the difficult problem of consciousness for later, try to explain the “I” in some other way.
Word labels are overpriced, they are similar to solutions, but only point to points of view that are always a little different from different people. Now we are not talking about the names, so I will mix all sorts of "ego" and "self" in one pile.
What do I mean by “I” in the phrase “I mean”?
I will go around a difficult question from the flank. What is a “brush”? If you look into the dictionary, you will see there is something like “a tool for painting and painting”. And then there are the features - what can be made, which species. The dictionary defines objects using methods and other properties.
Can I use a fork or a comb as a brush? Hardly, the teeth are harsh, and they are rare, you will not take much paint. Can I use a toothbrush as a brush? You can, it turns out, I checked in childhood. We will recognize the brush if it is homemade from a bunch of grass and a gnarled stick.
We define objects and phenomena according to the possibilities or obstacles they provide. We define abstractions with a multitude of qualities, and then we label them with a label for the name (announcer's voice overs: determination is fixed by a nomination as a term).
If you look closely, then in the world there is not a single brush. As there are no other abstractions and names that the brain operates on (there is no “spoon”).
Put the brush aside. What is a man? A two-legged creature without feathers with flat and wide nails, an upright mammal, a lively subject capable of thinking, moralizing, feeling, a member of society — dictionaries will willingly give us a bunch of properties. Well, it will help answer the next question.
What is me? A person has just been identified, it remains to add a long range of qualities that make me different from other people. Any abstraction is determined by the allocation of properties (and methods). The name does not define abstraction, but only marks for future use.
Let's return to the first question - what is “me”? Erroneous answers boil down to short names: the soul, the psychological self, a complex of consciousness with the subconscious, the archetype of the self, one of the programs running in the brain, or one of the abstractions that the brain operates on ... One cannot explain the term with another term (bad practice).
By calling “I” an abstraction, I just refer “I” to the category of abstractions . From the abstractness it follows, by the way, that the “I” does not exist in reality, therefore, for example, the problem of transferring a specific “I” to another carrier is no longer relevant after death or as a result of teleportation, but this is not about it now.
Calling “I” an abstraction, I describe only some properties of the “I” that are inherent in other abstractions. The full answer to the question “I” should be a set of properties and methods of use that will help to distinguish the class “I” from other abstractions, and then also give the uniqueness to my “I”.
What properties does the “I” possess, in what situations do we use “ourselves”?
I have a universal category for “desires”, “emotions”, “consciousness” and many other things - this is an evolution-approved tool that benefits. Perhaps I have developed an overly optimistic approach, but for me everything in sight has some benefit, including problems and mistakes.
I like to think that “I” is another tool of the mind. One of the important, because it is necessary to solve any problems. To better understand the tool, I propose to look for benefits from it. If the benefits are not obvious, then try to do without this tool and look at the result.
When meeting with any task you need to find someone who will solve it. If the “I” is not at hand, then there is a desire to use the one who is better seen and heard, whose existence is felt better - by those around him.
Surroundings are not always available, so there is a dependence on their presence. To confirm the contact and control you want to constantly ping used by minor questions and small requests: where are you, what are you doing, did you do, serve, bring, wake up ...
The lack of one’s own self is manifested by a heightened interest in other people's affairs and conversations - who called, what did he say when he arrived?
For the feeling of gratitude, you need someone who will feel. If “him” is difficult to see in the picture of the world, then thanks are extremely rare or simulated.
There are claims with accusations - they are easy to bring to the outside world, they are intended to redirect to the outside what is not possible to work inside. Others are required to do something that is not possible to demand from themselves (double standards).
The inability to control others is manifested by increased anxiety. In the absence of others to relieve the tension will go into distracting or muffling entertainment: alcohol, snacks, TV shows, pictures ... Plus games and social networks that give a surrogate control over the environment.
Unaware of his existence, he sees his desires poorly, so he is prone to postponing promising cases that do not give a benefit right now. Procrastinate until the fear of a kick makes you work.
But the wishes of the animal level are fulfilled instantly, without taking into account the interests of others and predicting their losses: to demand, grab, run away.
Ignore appeals to the bearer of this imperceptible "I": stop, promise, do it. The words addressed to “the one”, whom I do not have, are ignored. I will note a request or demand only if they are accompanied by the threat or promise of a carrot.
Reminds behavior of small children.
Immature children and infantile adults behave selfishly. Even when infantilism is hidden under the guise of an energetic business person.
They do not like to help, if it does not bring them quick and clear benefits. They are offended when they are denied their requests. They fall into sadness for a long time at the sight of problems that there is no one to delegate.
They stand across the sidewalks and park in the wrong places, not noticing that they create difficulties for others. They interrupt other people's conversations, starting to ask about something of their own. They make noise when they want, and trash where they want. But they are frustrated when they see the slightest hint of infringement of their rights or a threat to their property.
They are happy to discuss friends for the eyes and spread dirty gossip. But you can not even express a slight irony in their story about their achievements - this is the simplest way to become their enemy.
Selfishness means pursuing personal goals, ignoring the needs of others. It is considered that the egoist has a bloated, hypertrophied ego.
I believe that the picture of egoism hangs upside down. Egoists are people with undeveloped, weak ego, they do not feel, and that is why they are forced to influence the world through other people.
Imagine a commander in an open field without an army. Around the enemies, but the army is not, how to fight? There are intrigues, bribes, bluffs - attempts to negotiate or somehow subordinate the generals of other armies. To avoid defeat.
Extreme instances of egoism are called narcissism, but the egoist only seems narcissistic. He who really experiences a feeling of love, does not need to constantly seek confirmation of this feeling, beg for love. Frequent narcissism indicates a lack of love. And the daffodil can not accept love, because there is no “it” that can accept.
The egoist is also not capable of loving others. It can only be dependent on those who are convenient for use. If a person does not have an “I” formed, then he perceives others not as other “I's”. Other people are nothing more than tools to achieve their goals. Capricious and unpredictable, so they need to be controlled and educated.
The egoist ignores the interests of others, but not because he defends his own. Of his interests, he defends only the simplest, momentary, acts as a template and loses at long distances. The egoist does not understand, does not feel, does not predict people, because the concept of “man” is not developed in its mechanism for modeling reality.
The egoist feels that he lacks something. Therefore, he holds on to his achievements in this way, be it position in society or a collection of prizes. Like an invisible being who cannot see himself, an egoist tries to see himself at least by his own tracks. And fiercely defends the little that was found.
The egoist constantly compares himself with others and insistently asks for a good assessment of himself. A non-existent “he” cannot independently influence this assessment, therefore he is weighed in by status things and regalia. And hopes that the assessment will be good. Hope paves the way for anxiety, resentment, frustration.
Psychologists will not allow to lie, egoists are unfortunate , vulnerable people.
Selfishness is considered a vice. The suffix “ism” has many meanings; it can mean an action, practice, state, principle, characteristic or doctrine. The ideological course, the direction of thought, the nature of the action, the assessment - “isms” are different.
Egoism - emphasis on “ego” is considered a vice. Despite the fact that the "ego" is one of the main tools of life. The inverted nature of the term makes it difficult to understand the nature of the phenomenon - the lack of an important tool is a vice.
In addition to the above and all the well-known signs of pronounced egoism, a lack of “I” can manifest itself in how a person uses pronouns in speech.
In the spiritual practice of Buddhism, the frequent use of the pronoun “I” is considered a marker of immaturity. Recommend less focus on yourself to pay more attention to the surrounding reality. Say, then there will be a connection with some other, real "I".
For the egoist, this advice may be useful - starting to study others, the egoist develops the abstraction “man”, which he will begin to apply to himself. Freed from the endless attempts to succeed in assessments, the egoist will release the forces for real accomplishments. Advice “less I-kat” caught on, practice has proved its loyalty, but not everyone is suitable.
Watching others is useful, yes, but a complete rejection of the “I” is fraught with a rejection of their needs. Asceticism is hard and not joyful work, for which there must be some big and definite goal. For non-ascetics in everyday life, it is useful to notice, study and exercise the self in order for attention to stop clinging to its lack.
If for any action at hand there is a ready-made subject, then there is no work to find and attract third-party subjects. When I have an “I”, there is no stupor when I encounter problems - they turn into tasks, because there is someone to solve them.
In the writers' councils (King, Zinser) you can find the reverse marker of the weak "I" - the abundance of the passive voice in the text. It is a sign of the author’s uncertainty in the thought expressed. If the action find and label the subject, then the phrase becomes stronger. There is a significant difference between “I would like” and “I want”.
If in a conversation I talk too much about myself, this is a sign of a lack of "I." If in my speech everything happens and is as if by itself, then this is also a sign of a lack of "I." The healthy "I" lives not at the pole, but somewhere between extremes.
Neither I, nor the reader of these lines are selfish, no. We are all somewhere between the two extremes. But if there is a suspicion that the balance is not optimal, then you can look for ways to improve the situation.
Another marker is the subsidence of the “I” to zero during explosions of strong emotions. If a person, fascinated by a stream of unpleasant experiences, begins to think and speak exclusively about what is happening in the outside world, then it can be assumed that his “ego” has hidden somewhere.
The strong magic of quenching fear, resentment and rage can be found in the word “you” - what do you do in this situation? Distracted from the inaction, actions and qualities of others, they do not make decisions in your head and experience emotions. Where is the versatile “you” in this situation with all your achievements, plans and dreams? If you are talking about a situation, then tell me about you in this situation.
Yes, we have no relation to many unpleasant situations and therefore cannot change anything. But emotions are an evolutionarily created mechanism for influencing behavior. If there were no actions and is not foreseen, and emotions are raging, then we can assume some kind of incorrectness, something has dropped out of consideration. If emotion is a signal, then you need someone who will receive the signal.
Teachers suggest that in order to calm a capricious child, to indicate the existence of a child by touch and eye contact, and then call the child what he feels, with assumptions - you are tired, you feel bad, you are sad about this. As soon as the child realizes that what is happening is happening to him, and not somewhere in an unknown place, the child will begin to calm down. The magic of “you” also works on adults.
Also a marker of a weak “I” is a lack of pleasant emotions. So that the “inner child” does not feel deprived and does not interfere with the “inner adult” to work, psychotherapists advise to pamper themselves regularly - aimlessly buying tasty and beautiful things, allowing walking, playing, doing things that seem unnecessary to an adult.
If I don’t indulge myself with gifts, if I don’t know how to take care of myself, then this can be only one explanation - my attention doesn’t notice who you can give presents to, who you care about.
If my purchases, walks, games or social networks take a lot of time, without bringing a sense of satisfaction and richness, then this can be only one explanation - there is not enough of someone who should accept gifts, rejoice and have fun.
If the “I” dissolves during the attack of emotions, if the gifts to “yourself” do not please anyone, then with this you need and can do something. Do not choose the hardest way, but do not choose inaction.
Infantilism and egoism often go hand in hand because they have a common cause from childhood.
Formed “I” for a long time, for many years. The feeling of having “yourself” is not something quickly identified with the help of a dictionary, but a set of qualities, for each of which confidence should be created.
A child is born with simple reflexes and begins to learn about the world. He sees objects and phenomena, but does not see himself. Then he begins to distinguish between people and animals that can behave unpredictably. Then, with the help of reactions of others and words, he reveals himself and counts among these that are unpredictable. And then he begins to separate himself from them, finally forming his personal “me”.
While we are talking about simple actions, there are no problems - you can go, take, eat. At the start, you do not need any special “I”, enough reflexes or emotions. The self tool will be needed later when it comes to the desires of a domestic adult who will begin to predict events, build schemes of opportunity, and choose solutions when he needs to embed someone in plans.
The child does not see himself from the outside, but he can observe other people and copy, adopt their features.
First you need to choose those who should learn from. Who is nearby, cares about me, who is comfortable to watch, whom I have categorized as “good” - that I will choose, I will begin to study and copy. To become “good.”
People and their actions are very different, it is difficult to choose, so the child will try not to lose the chosen, will become attached to someone.
Attachment is a side effect or a tool for survival and development, but the term “ attachment mechanism ” is common and understandable to many, so I will continue to use it as a synonym for the “mechanism of self-formation”.
The copying mechanism is similar to an invisible shelf, on which statues are placed. The shelf of the child is not so great, fit only a few role models. Therefore, it is good if it will be fully formed adults. Moreover, they are different, so that a child can learn patterns of behavior in different situations and learn how to predict the behavior of different people based on the small number of available samples, standards, and models.
The child will need contacts with every person whose image has fallen on the shelf. Because he has established himself as a good attitude and has been partially studied. The loss of relationships with such people is hard, especially if there are few other decent samples on the shelf. Attachment may be accompanied by addiction.
If an egoist is on the shelf, his behavior will be copied. If the person was not an egoist, but in relation to the child behaved like an egoist, then the child will become an egoist, copying all the weaknesses and bad tactics of an adult.
If parents and other adults frighten away from themselves, then statuettes of accessible peers will stand on the shelf, which at least can be called friends. It is unlikely that something good will come of it, but the attachment mechanism requires samples.
If among peers there were no kindred souls, then on the shelf will stand clumsy surrogates, pieces of patterned behavior in certain situations, broken off from somewhere and roughly cobbled together.
My version with a shelf and statues is a simplification. The developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld uses the expression “village of affection”, distinguishes between six levels, notices polarization, and draws interesting conclusions. His book “Do not miss your children” is recommended for those who want to become an adult. And I will return to the simplified version to proceed to practice.
Suppose that parents got average, far from ideal. And a couple of immature peers snuck on the shelf of samples. The rest of the place is filled with pieces of figurines picked up on TVs and magazines.
If the samples are scarce, the subconscious mind will not be able to quickly choose the behavior in a significant part of life situations. A person cannot rely on himself, cannot independently satisfy all his needs and therefore depends on others.
The actions of an undeformed person will pursue selfish goals. In difficult situations, he will behave childishly. Extreme cases of the manifestation of the unformed “I” in psychology are designated by the term “narcissism” and refer to one of the sides of the “ dark triad ”.
Can this be fixed? Some psychologists say that it is impossible. They say that affections are formed in childhood, and if the train has left, then everything, there will be no second.
However, the lack of success at the first attempts does not say anything about the fundamental impossibility of the existence of working remediation techniques. The lack of success in therapy can only say that we have not yet managed to find a technique, we can continue the search.
I agree with the impossibility of correcting an inveterate egoist, but only for extreme cases in which therapy will not work, because the egoist will not engage in therapy or the development of someone who does not exist. If “I” is some kind of abstraction, they are talking about, but which is not felt, then there is no reason to strain.
Moreover, an egoist can be horrified even by the slight assumption that there is something wrong with him, that something needs to be corrected. At best, she will not be interested or not believe, at worst - she will begin to sabotage or preemptively attack.
But neither I, nor the reader of these lines refer to clinical cases, extreme manifestations, do they? Therefore, we can allow the possibility of enhancing the sense of our existence. To facilitate the appearance of every “I do” ( agency ).
I like the idea that the antonym for the word “egoist” is not “selfless” or “altruist”, but “creator”. If we take the analogy with blood pressure, then both high and low pressure with their excessiveness indicate the presence of a disease, the opposite of which is health.
The tendency of adults to create idols for themselves indicates that the attachment mechanism does not turn off with age. The activity of the mechanism indicates the possibility of using it.
As a person develops, a shelf with samples grows, containing at first one person, then several, then ten. Shelf becomes wider, it appears free space, which also wants something to take.
Even in old age, we can learn to sculpt and gradually replace the garbage on the shelf with decent statues. But this is not the easiest way, fraught with errors. There are too many brilliant, but empty or one-sidedly developed people among the applicants for the role of the sample.
Finding decent samples is useful, but it is much more important to learn how to get unstuck from people, no matter how attractive they may seem. Do not start looking for flaws, but stop looking for only positive features. This will be enough to eliminate the harmful effects of poor quality examples.
If he is a poet, then do not consider him a specialist in government. If he is a successful politician, then do not consider him a scientist. If he is a mathematician, then do not consider him a wise teacher. Allow the idol to be wrong, whoever he is.
Ideal people are found in works of art, myths and religions, and not in reality. If such a brilliant ideal becomes attached to a shelf, then it spreads its elbows and overwhelms its neighbors.
The first step towards the development of your “I” is to abandon idols (do not make yourself an idol). Meet the Buddha - kill the Buddha (Linji).
It is curious that the enemies also fall on the shelf with samples. And they are also idealized and simplified - from diverse people turn into an unequivocal example of what should be avoided. And woe to those who mention the enemy as acceptable. Attachment to the enemy is no better than affection for the idol.
A kind of enemy can be considered a person with a bad rating. Estimates are sometimes overestimated - instead of a rich abstraction “man” only an estimate on some criteria is seen.
Removing simple figures from the affection shelf helps to make room for images of real, full-fledged people. To better understand others and to build their behavior, you need to have on the shelf samples that are rich in detail, including advantages and disadvantages.
There should be a lot of samples on the shelf, and the samples should be different. They should not only suggest solutions for everyday tasks, but also set an example for overcoming their own shortcomings. Without flaws, idealized idols can only show an example of life on the wave of success. Do you need a systematic error of a survivor ?
To sympathize and become attached - normally, naturally, it is necessary. Harmful idealize and depend.
Dependence means lack of sources. If there is a shortage of a person, this means that he was not able to understand and accept sufficiently for copying, and it is not possible to find others like him. The natural outcome of healthy affection is separation, not eternal lack.
Cleaning samples involves not only removing flat fictional figures, but also closing dangling ties with real people. However, I do not consider myself competent enough to talk about possible remedies in this direction, summarizing too different possible options. Psychotherapy is fraught with side effects and is sometimes not possible without the help of a qualified professional.
If “I” is an abstraction, that is, knowledge about the presence of something with a variety of properties, then it should be remembered that the abstraction mechanism built into the head and the development of abstractions work throughout life, so it can and should be used for its intended purpose.
If the first step on the way to “I” is to develop the concept of “person”, observing people, then the next step is to start looking at yourself, study the properties and connections of the very abstraction to which the label “I” is stuck.
For the development of the child, teachers advise to communicate daily with him about his existence. Not what was in school, but what did you do, what did you feel, what did you want in school?
To build strong relationships, psychologists advise to daily communicate with a partner on the subject of its existence. Not what was at work, and not what needs to be done tonight, but could you have dinner, did you manage to solve the problem, what do you want to do now?
Do you have many people in your life who talk to you about you? (Haruki Murakami)
An example of how to strengthen “yourself” is the compilation of lists. On paper or on the computer.
A popular list of “one hundred facts about yourself” walked through LJ as a test - it was a well-developed person who managed to gather a full hundred facts. However, the compilation of the list is not only an amusement or a test, but also a valid method of personal development, as it forces one to search and memorize the very properties that make up the abstraction of "I."
If it is interesting to get self confidence in your ability to cope with any new task, then you should pay attention to your skills in the list of facts. To walk, talk, tie shoelaces - the more skills, albeit small, but different, than the “I” tree looks more impressive, the easier it is to rely on it.
Another kind of list is the traces that I leave in the outside world. What are my actions annoying others? What are my actions please others. Do not write quality, we need exactly action. Not plans, not promises of correction, just fixing the existing, to make yourself noticeable to yourself.
Another option is a wish list. In a few bars: what I want, what it gives me, what I do to move towards the goal. Do not write hypothetical “what can I” or “will do”. Lack of action is a sign of lack of desire. If I do nothing, but only I can or I plan, then this is not a desire, but an expectation, can be transferred to the list of “one hundred facts”.
If the hobby is not in the list of facts, then the next step on the way to “I” should be “acquire a hobby”. Hobby is a tool for self-realization, allowing you to go beyond the “work-home-relaxation”.
Confidence in the existence of anything is not developed by a simple statement of fact, it is about memorizing a long list of qualities and methods of application. Therefore, it is possible to revise and supplement the lists in a few days, months, years.
On the Internet, there are cribs “one hundred questions for yourself” of different quality. Bad questions are frustrating if the author tried to hook emotions, and not give a hint for work. After the right questions, the world is filled with colors, it becomes richer in details - a pleasant side effect.
With a weak "I" it is very difficult to serve myself as an adult in time. Who will comfort me when “me” is not at home? Work on your “I” should be at leisure, in a calm state.
The formation of “I” can be accompanied by an unpleasant feeling “I lack support”. But, before seeking support from other people or trying to support oneself, one should understand what kind of support is lacking.
Very different types of support are possible, which are useful for very different requests and cannot replace each other:
It is not always easy to determine the type of support desired, requested and provided. In social networks often ask for one thing, implying another, and offended by getting a third.
Support options are determined by a list of social needs. Social - because they are usually requested from others. If a person has learned to support another, then he can learn to render it to himself, and such a person ceases to urgently need support from the outside.
The list of social needs and, accordingly, types of support is not settled , you can find different options or make your own list.
In many languages of the world, the word “I” contains few letters, and this indicates its importance - the more often a word is used, the shorter it becomes.
Frequently repeated “I” becomes familiar, ceases to be noticed and even voiced. If you have problems with getting results, pay attention to the second half of the phrase “I do” and try to improve the action.
')
But the formula “I do” consists of two components, so I suggest, nevertheless, to take a closer look at what every action begins with:
- What is “I”.
- Lack of "I".
- The appearance of "I".
- Strengthening "I".
I will touch on abstraction, egoism, affection and support.
Term
What is “me”? In our age of accessible Internet, one can easily read serious literature and find out, for example, that Kant separates the empirically-individual “I” from the pure. Jung defines the "self" as one of the archetypes in the "ego". For Freud, the "ego" is slightly different, and the "self" comes from "it." I walked along this road, and my main conclusion is - the more you know, the more different versions you have to take into account. And soon you start to forget exactly what you wanted to find.
Not only I try to understand the "I", many curious about us. To search for “ourselves,” we go in from different angles, add and filter manifestations, draw diagrams, collect statistics, and redo everything again, because different researchers have results that cannot be reconciled. From despair, we sneak a peek at religion, pepper philosophy, sift through neurobiology's scientific sieve, dilute it with psychology, sigh sadly and switch to other interesting topics. And what were you looking for?
“I” is what I realize as “myself.” Awareness is the result of the work of consciousness. Consciousness is ... On Habré there are many articles about the nature of consciousness , but they offer very different points of view. I repent, I did not read all existing articles and books. And I will never read everything, because they write on a popular topic faster than I can read.
Excess material is generated by the uncertainty of the term "consciousness". I have something, and I don’t understand what it is, please tell me how this something is arranged, I don’t know what, more precisely ... The technical task is so-so, not the best (draw several design options for the customer to choose) .
It does not help quoting dictionaries with dozens of definitions that are not compatible with each other. I will postpone the difficult problem of consciousness for later, try to explain the “I” in some other way.
Word labels are overpriced, they are similar to solutions, but only point to points of view that are always a little different from different people. Now we are not talking about the names, so I will mix all sorts of "ego" and "self" in one pile.
What do I mean by “I” in the phrase “I mean”?
Abstractions
I will go around a difficult question from the flank. What is a “brush”? If you look into the dictionary, you will see there is something like “a tool for painting and painting”. And then there are the features - what can be made, which species. The dictionary defines objects using methods and other properties.
Can I use a fork or a comb as a brush? Hardly, the teeth are harsh, and they are rare, you will not take much paint. Can I use a toothbrush as a brush? You can, it turns out, I checked in childhood. We will recognize the brush if it is homemade from a bunch of grass and a gnarled stick.
We define objects and phenomena according to the possibilities or obstacles they provide. We define abstractions with a multitude of qualities, and then we label them with a label for the name (announcer's voice overs: determination is fixed by a nomination as a term).
If you look closely, then in the world there is not a single brush. As there are no other abstractions and names that the brain operates on (there is no “spoon”).
Put the brush aside. What is a man? A two-legged creature without feathers with flat and wide nails, an upright mammal, a lively subject capable of thinking, moralizing, feeling, a member of society — dictionaries will willingly give us a bunch of properties. Well, it will help answer the next question.
What is me? A person has just been identified, it remains to add a long range of qualities that make me different from other people. Any abstraction is determined by the allocation of properties (and methods). The name does not define abstraction, but only marks for future use.
Let's return to the first question - what is “me”? Erroneous answers boil down to short names: the soul, the psychological self, a complex of consciousness with the subconscious, the archetype of the self, one of the programs running in the brain, or one of the abstractions that the brain operates on ... One cannot explain the term with another term (bad practice).
By calling “I” an abstraction, I just refer “I” to the category of abstractions . From the abstractness it follows, by the way, that the “I” does not exist in reality, therefore, for example, the problem of transferring a specific “I” to another carrier is no longer relevant after death or as a result of teleportation, but this is not about it now.
Calling “I” an abstraction, I describe only some properties of the “I” that are inherent in other abstractions. The full answer to the question “I” should be a set of properties and methods of use that will help to distinguish the class “I” from other abstractions, and then also give the uniqueness to my “I”.
What properties does the “I” possess, in what situations do we use “ourselves”?
Tool shortage
I have a universal category for “desires”, “emotions”, “consciousness” and many other things - this is an evolution-approved tool that benefits. Perhaps I have developed an overly optimistic approach, but for me everything in sight has some benefit, including problems and mistakes.
I like to think that “I” is another tool of the mind. One of the important, because it is necessary to solve any problems. To better understand the tool, I propose to look for benefits from it. If the benefits are not obvious, then try to do without this tool and look at the result.
When meeting with any task you need to find someone who will solve it. If the “I” is not at hand, then there is a desire to use the one who is better seen and heard, whose existence is felt better - by those around him.
Surroundings are not always available, so there is a dependence on their presence. To confirm the contact and control you want to constantly ping used by minor questions and small requests: where are you, what are you doing, did you do, serve, bring, wake up ...
The lack of one’s own self is manifested by a heightened interest in other people's affairs and conversations - who called, what did he say when he arrived?
For the feeling of gratitude, you need someone who will feel. If “him” is difficult to see in the picture of the world, then thanks are extremely rare or simulated.
There are claims with accusations - they are easy to bring to the outside world, they are intended to redirect to the outside what is not possible to work inside. Others are required to do something that is not possible to demand from themselves (double standards).
The inability to control others is manifested by increased anxiety. In the absence of others to relieve the tension will go into distracting or muffling entertainment: alcohol, snacks, TV shows, pictures ... Plus games and social networks that give a surrogate control over the environment.
Unaware of his existence, he sees his desires poorly, so he is prone to postponing promising cases that do not give a benefit right now. Procrastinate until the fear of a kick makes you work.
But the wishes of the animal level are fulfilled instantly, without taking into account the interests of others and predicting their losses: to demand, grab, run away.
Ignore appeals to the bearer of this imperceptible "I": stop, promise, do it. The words addressed to “the one”, whom I do not have, are ignored. I will note a request or demand only if they are accompanied by the threat or promise of a carrot.
Reminds behavior of small children.
Inverted selfishness
Immature children and infantile adults behave selfishly. Even when infantilism is hidden under the guise of an energetic business person.
They do not like to help, if it does not bring them quick and clear benefits. They are offended when they are denied their requests. They fall into sadness for a long time at the sight of problems that there is no one to delegate.
They stand across the sidewalks and park in the wrong places, not noticing that they create difficulties for others. They interrupt other people's conversations, starting to ask about something of their own. They make noise when they want, and trash where they want. But they are frustrated when they see the slightest hint of infringement of their rights or a threat to their property.
They are happy to discuss friends for the eyes and spread dirty gossip. But you can not even express a slight irony in their story about their achievements - this is the simplest way to become their enemy.
Selfishness means pursuing personal goals, ignoring the needs of others. It is considered that the egoist has a bloated, hypertrophied ego.
I believe that the picture of egoism hangs upside down. Egoists are people with undeveloped, weak ego, they do not feel, and that is why they are forced to influence the world through other people.
Imagine a commander in an open field without an army. Around the enemies, but the army is not, how to fight? There are intrigues, bribes, bluffs - attempts to negotiate or somehow subordinate the generals of other armies. To avoid defeat.
Extreme instances of egoism are called narcissism, but the egoist only seems narcissistic. He who really experiences a feeling of love, does not need to constantly seek confirmation of this feeling, beg for love. Frequent narcissism indicates a lack of love. And the daffodil can not accept love, because there is no “it” that can accept.
The egoist is also not capable of loving others. It can only be dependent on those who are convenient for use. If a person does not have an “I” formed, then he perceives others not as other “I's”. Other people are nothing more than tools to achieve their goals. Capricious and unpredictable, so they need to be controlled and educated.
The egoist ignores the interests of others, but not because he defends his own. Of his interests, he defends only the simplest, momentary, acts as a template and loses at long distances. The egoist does not understand, does not feel, does not predict people, because the concept of “man” is not developed in its mechanism for modeling reality.
The egoist feels that he lacks something. Therefore, he holds on to his achievements in this way, be it position in society or a collection of prizes. Like an invisible being who cannot see himself, an egoist tries to see himself at least by his own tracks. And fiercely defends the little that was found.
The egoist constantly compares himself with others and insistently asks for a good assessment of himself. A non-existent “he” cannot independently influence this assessment, therefore he is weighed in by status things and regalia. And hopes that the assessment will be good. Hope paves the way for anxiety, resentment, frustration.
Psychologists will not allow to lie, egoists are unfortunate , vulnerable people.
Shortage markers
Selfishness is considered a vice. The suffix “ism” has many meanings; it can mean an action, practice, state, principle, characteristic or doctrine. The ideological course, the direction of thought, the nature of the action, the assessment - “isms” are different.
Egoism - emphasis on “ego” is considered a vice. Despite the fact that the "ego" is one of the main tools of life. The inverted nature of the term makes it difficult to understand the nature of the phenomenon - the lack of an important tool is a vice.
In addition to the above and all the well-known signs of pronounced egoism, a lack of “I” can manifest itself in how a person uses pronouns in speech.
In the spiritual practice of Buddhism, the frequent use of the pronoun “I” is considered a marker of immaturity. Recommend less focus on yourself to pay more attention to the surrounding reality. Say, then there will be a connection with some other, real "I".
For the egoist, this advice may be useful - starting to study others, the egoist develops the abstraction “man”, which he will begin to apply to himself. Freed from the endless attempts to succeed in assessments, the egoist will release the forces for real accomplishments. Advice “less I-kat” caught on, practice has proved its loyalty, but not everyone is suitable.
Watching others is useful, yes, but a complete rejection of the “I” is fraught with a rejection of their needs. Asceticism is hard and not joyful work, for which there must be some big and definite goal. For non-ascetics in everyday life, it is useful to notice, study and exercise the self in order for attention to stop clinging to its lack.
If for any action at hand there is a ready-made subject, then there is no work to find and attract third-party subjects. When I have an “I”, there is no stupor when I encounter problems - they turn into tasks, because there is someone to solve them.
In the writers' councils (King, Zinser) you can find the reverse marker of the weak "I" - the abundance of the passive voice in the text. It is a sign of the author’s uncertainty in the thought expressed. If the action find and label the subject, then the phrase becomes stronger. There is a significant difference between “I would like” and “I want”.
If in a conversation I talk too much about myself, this is a sign of a lack of "I." If in my speech everything happens and is as if by itself, then this is also a sign of a lack of "I." The healthy "I" lives not at the pole, but somewhere between extremes.
Neither I, nor the reader of these lines are selfish, no. We are all somewhere between the two extremes. But if there is a suspicion that the balance is not optimal, then you can look for ways to improve the situation.
Another marker is the subsidence of the “I” to zero during explosions of strong emotions. If a person, fascinated by a stream of unpleasant experiences, begins to think and speak exclusively about what is happening in the outside world, then it can be assumed that his “ego” has hidden somewhere.
The strong magic of quenching fear, resentment and rage can be found in the word “you” - what do you do in this situation? Distracted from the inaction, actions and qualities of others, they do not make decisions in your head and experience emotions. Where is the versatile “you” in this situation with all your achievements, plans and dreams? If you are talking about a situation, then tell me about you in this situation.
Yes, we have no relation to many unpleasant situations and therefore cannot change anything. But emotions are an evolutionarily created mechanism for influencing behavior. If there were no actions and is not foreseen, and emotions are raging, then we can assume some kind of incorrectness, something has dropped out of consideration. If emotion is a signal, then you need someone who will receive the signal.
Teachers suggest that in order to calm a capricious child, to indicate the existence of a child by touch and eye contact, and then call the child what he feels, with assumptions - you are tired, you feel bad, you are sad about this. As soon as the child realizes that what is happening is happening to him, and not somewhere in an unknown place, the child will begin to calm down. The magic of “you” also works on adults.
Also a marker of a weak “I” is a lack of pleasant emotions. So that the “inner child” does not feel deprived and does not interfere with the “inner adult” to work, psychotherapists advise to pamper themselves regularly - aimlessly buying tasty and beautiful things, allowing walking, playing, doing things that seem unnecessary to an adult.
If I don’t indulge myself with gifts, if I don’t know how to take care of myself, then this can be only one explanation - my attention doesn’t notice who you can give presents to, who you care about.
If my purchases, walks, games or social networks take a lot of time, without bringing a sense of satisfaction and richness, then this can be only one explanation - there is not enough of someone who should accept gifts, rejoice and have fun.
If the “I” dissolves during the attack of emotions, if the gifts to “yourself” do not please anyone, then with this you need and can do something. Do not choose the hardest way, but do not choose inaction.
Formation
Infantilism and egoism often go hand in hand because they have a common cause from childhood.
Formed “I” for a long time, for many years. The feeling of having “yourself” is not something quickly identified with the help of a dictionary, but a set of qualities, for each of which confidence should be created.
A child is born with simple reflexes and begins to learn about the world. He sees objects and phenomena, but does not see himself. Then he begins to distinguish between people and animals that can behave unpredictably. Then, with the help of reactions of others and words, he reveals himself and counts among these that are unpredictable. And then he begins to separate himself from them, finally forming his personal “me”.
While we are talking about simple actions, there are no problems - you can go, take, eat. At the start, you do not need any special “I”, enough reflexes or emotions. The self tool will be needed later when it comes to the desires of a domestic adult who will begin to predict events, build schemes of opportunity, and choose solutions when he needs to embed someone in plans.
The child does not see himself from the outside, but he can observe other people and copy, adopt their features.
First you need to choose those who should learn from. Who is nearby, cares about me, who is comfortable to watch, whom I have categorized as “good” - that I will choose, I will begin to study and copy. To become “good.”
People and their actions are very different, it is difficult to choose, so the child will try not to lose the chosen, will become attached to someone.
Attachment is a side effect or a tool for survival and development, but the term “ attachment mechanism ” is common and understandable to many, so I will continue to use it as a synonym for the “mechanism of self-formation”.
The copying mechanism is similar to an invisible shelf, on which statues are placed. The shelf of the child is not so great, fit only a few role models. Therefore, it is good if it will be fully formed adults. Moreover, they are different, so that a child can learn patterns of behavior in different situations and learn how to predict the behavior of different people based on the small number of available samples, standards, and models.
The child will need contacts with every person whose image has fallen on the shelf. Because he has established himself as a good attitude and has been partially studied. The loss of relationships with such people is hard, especially if there are few other decent samples on the shelf. Attachment may be accompanied by addiction.
If an egoist is on the shelf, his behavior will be copied. If the person was not an egoist, but in relation to the child behaved like an egoist, then the child will become an egoist, copying all the weaknesses and bad tactics of an adult.
If parents and other adults frighten away from themselves, then statuettes of accessible peers will stand on the shelf, which at least can be called friends. It is unlikely that something good will come of it, but the attachment mechanism requires samples.
If among peers there were no kindred souls, then on the shelf will stand clumsy surrogates, pieces of patterned behavior in certain situations, broken off from somewhere and roughly cobbled together.
My version with a shelf and statues is a simplification. The developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld uses the expression “village of affection”, distinguishes between six levels, notices polarization, and draws interesting conclusions. His book “Do not miss your children” is recommended for those who want to become an adult. And I will return to the simplified version to proceed to practice.
Mutability
Suppose that parents got average, far from ideal. And a couple of immature peers snuck on the shelf of samples. The rest of the place is filled with pieces of figurines picked up on TVs and magazines.
If the samples are scarce, the subconscious mind will not be able to quickly choose the behavior in a significant part of life situations. A person cannot rely on himself, cannot independently satisfy all his needs and therefore depends on others.
The actions of an undeformed person will pursue selfish goals. In difficult situations, he will behave childishly. Extreme cases of the manifestation of the unformed “I” in psychology are designated by the term “narcissism” and refer to one of the sides of the “ dark triad ”.
Can this be fixed? Some psychologists say that it is impossible. They say that affections are formed in childhood, and if the train has left, then everything, there will be no second.
However, the lack of success at the first attempts does not say anything about the fundamental impossibility of the existence of working remediation techniques. The lack of success in therapy can only say that we have not yet managed to find a technique, we can continue the search.
I agree with the impossibility of correcting an inveterate egoist, but only for extreme cases in which therapy will not work, because the egoist will not engage in therapy or the development of someone who does not exist. If “I” is some kind of abstraction, they are talking about, but which is not felt, then there is no reason to strain.
Moreover, an egoist can be horrified even by the slight assumption that there is something wrong with him, that something needs to be corrected. At best, she will not be interested or not believe, at worst - she will begin to sabotage or preemptively attack.
But neither I, nor the reader of these lines refer to clinical cases, extreme manifestations, do they? Therefore, we can allow the possibility of enhancing the sense of our existence. To facilitate the appearance of every “I do” ( agency ).
I like the idea that the antonym for the word “egoist” is not “selfless” or “altruist”, but “creator”. If we take the analogy with blood pressure, then both high and low pressure with their excessiveness indicate the presence of a disease, the opposite of which is health.
Cleaning Samples
The tendency of adults to create idols for themselves indicates that the attachment mechanism does not turn off with age. The activity of the mechanism indicates the possibility of using it.
As a person develops, a shelf with samples grows, containing at first one person, then several, then ten. Shelf becomes wider, it appears free space, which also wants something to take.
Even in old age, we can learn to sculpt and gradually replace the garbage on the shelf with decent statues. But this is not the easiest way, fraught with errors. There are too many brilliant, but empty or one-sidedly developed people among the applicants for the role of the sample.
Finding decent samples is useful, but it is much more important to learn how to get unstuck from people, no matter how attractive they may seem. Do not start looking for flaws, but stop looking for only positive features. This will be enough to eliminate the harmful effects of poor quality examples.
If he is a poet, then do not consider him a specialist in government. If he is a successful politician, then do not consider him a scientist. If he is a mathematician, then do not consider him a wise teacher. Allow the idol to be wrong, whoever he is.
Ideal people are found in works of art, myths and religions, and not in reality. If such a brilliant ideal becomes attached to a shelf, then it spreads its elbows and overwhelms its neighbors.
The first step towards the development of your “I” is to abandon idols (do not make yourself an idol). Meet the Buddha - kill the Buddha (Linji).
It is curious that the enemies also fall on the shelf with samples. And they are also idealized and simplified - from diverse people turn into an unequivocal example of what should be avoided. And woe to those who mention the enemy as acceptable. Attachment to the enemy is no better than affection for the idol.
A kind of enemy can be considered a person with a bad rating. Estimates are sometimes overestimated - instead of a rich abstraction “man” only an estimate on some criteria is seen.
Removing simple figures from the affection shelf helps to make room for images of real, full-fledged people. To better understand others and to build their behavior, you need to have on the shelf samples that are rich in detail, including advantages and disadvantages.
There should be a lot of samples on the shelf, and the samples should be different. They should not only suggest solutions for everyday tasks, but also set an example for overcoming their own shortcomings. Without flaws, idealized idols can only show an example of life on the wave of success. Do you need a systematic error of a survivor ?
To sympathize and become attached - normally, naturally, it is necessary. Harmful idealize and depend.
Dependence means lack of sources. If there is a shortage of a person, this means that he was not able to understand and accept sufficiently for copying, and it is not possible to find others like him. The natural outcome of healthy affection is separation, not eternal lack.
Cleaning samples involves not only removing flat fictional figures, but also closing dangling ties with real people. However, I do not consider myself competent enough to talk about possible remedies in this direction, summarizing too different possible options. Psychotherapy is fraught with side effects and is sometimes not possible without the help of a qualified professional.
Property Lists
If “I” is an abstraction, that is, knowledge about the presence of something with a variety of properties, then it should be remembered that the abstraction mechanism built into the head and the development of abstractions work throughout life, so it can and should be used for its intended purpose.
If the first step on the way to “I” is to develop the concept of “person”, observing people, then the next step is to start looking at yourself, study the properties and connections of the very abstraction to which the label “I” is stuck.
For the development of the child, teachers advise to communicate daily with him about his existence. Not what was in school, but what did you do, what did you feel, what did you want in school?
To build strong relationships, psychologists advise to daily communicate with a partner on the subject of its existence. Not what was at work, and not what needs to be done tonight, but could you have dinner, did you manage to solve the problem, what do you want to do now?
Do you have many people in your life who talk to you about you? (Haruki Murakami)
An example of how to strengthen “yourself” is the compilation of lists. On paper or on the computer.
A popular list of “one hundred facts about yourself” walked through LJ as a test - it was a well-developed person who managed to gather a full hundred facts. However, the compilation of the list is not only an amusement or a test, but also a valid method of personal development, as it forces one to search and memorize the very properties that make up the abstraction of "I."
If it is interesting to get self confidence in your ability to cope with any new task, then you should pay attention to your skills in the list of facts. To walk, talk, tie shoelaces - the more skills, albeit small, but different, than the “I” tree looks more impressive, the easier it is to rely on it.
Another kind of list is the traces that I leave in the outside world. What are my actions annoying others? What are my actions please others. Do not write quality, we need exactly action. Not plans, not promises of correction, just fixing the existing, to make yourself noticeable to yourself.
Another option is a wish list. In a few bars: what I want, what it gives me, what I do to move towards the goal. Do not write hypothetical “what can I” or “will do”. Lack of action is a sign of lack of desire. If I do nothing, but only I can or I plan, then this is not a desire, but an expectation, can be transferred to the list of “one hundred facts”.
If the hobby is not in the list of facts, then the next step on the way to “I” should be “acquire a hobby”. Hobby is a tool for self-realization, allowing you to go beyond the “work-home-relaxation”.
Confidence in the existence of anything is not developed by a simple statement of fact, it is about memorizing a long list of qualities and methods of application. Therefore, it is possible to revise and supplement the lists in a few days, months, years.
On the Internet, there are cribs “one hundred questions for yourself” of different quality. Bad questions are frustrating if the author tried to hook emotions, and not give a hint for work. After the right questions, the world is filled with colors, it becomes richer in details - a pleasant side effect.
Support
With a weak "I" it is very difficult to serve myself as an adult in time. Who will comfort me when “me” is not at home? Work on your “I” should be at leisure, in a calm state.
The formation of “I” can be accompanied by an unpleasant feeling “I lack support”. But, before seeking support from other people or trying to support oneself, one should understand what kind of support is lacking.
Very different types of support are possible, which are useful for very different requests and cannot replace each other:
- “”. , “” .
- “”, , , . , . , , ().
- , “” . , ( ). “” .
- , , . . , “” “”.
It is not always easy to determine the type of support desired, requested and provided. In social networks often ask for one thing, implying another, and offended by getting a third.
Support options are determined by a list of social needs. Social - because they are usually requested from others. If a person has learned to support another, then he can learn to render it to himself, and such a person ceases to urgently need support from the outside.
The list of social needs and, accordingly, types of support is not settled , you can find different options or make your own list.
Theses
- “I” is one of the abstractions with which the brain operates.
- The lack of a sense of “self” makes it difficult to solve problems.
- “I” appears in childhood, but you can grow “yourself” and then.
- .
Source: https://habr.com/ru/post/453068/
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