Catch Me If You Can. Manager's letter

Hello dear. I have a bad news. Unfortunately, I was fired again. I know you will be cursing - you will say that they did not fire me, but I myself am a poor and hopeless asshole, but this time it's not about me.

The bitch programmer is to blame. All because of him. Now I will tell you everything.

The first item of the plan that you made worked perfectly. When I said that I had come from Moscow, nobody began to check my residence permit - they took my word for it. And it worked.
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They asked, of course, a couple of questions on the places of work - they say, why there is not a single Moscow company there, but I got out - said that I, as the most effective, are usually sent to save assets in the backlands where my competencies are not enough.

I told them the details of the projects and the results achieved - well, the ones that you gave me to memorize. He even managed to answer questions. In general, the impression made hoo.

I never cease to be amazed at your foresight, for it was you who gave me the most valuable advice in my whole life. Remember, in my first job, where I served three computers, a modem, and a site content manager, I did not want to officially employ me for a long time? And when, finally, they agreed, you said - let them write in the position of "software engineer". The bookkeeper was all the same, she wrote that, and since then I have always, at every opportunity, boldly asserted that I am a former programmer.

For current programmers this has a magical effect. Considering that I am older than most of them, probably such a picture arises in their fragile minds: young, enthusiastic, in a dirty T-shirt, in the server corner, our boss sits and herachit something on FoxPro, Delphi or BASIC. Well, I think they think that way.

At the first meeting of the team, I, as expected, said that the most important thing was the result. I always say that. Yes, I remember, you said that it was a senseless, intent, jagged stereotype that had not impressed anyone for a long time, but I cannot think of what else to say. I don’t speak to their programmer topics, because I’ll be caught on the first word. And so - catch me if you can. Yes, I carry the usual managerial garbage. But not get to the bottom of anything.

I pushed them, as expected, and about business problems. I know you will be surprised at this word - I invented it myself. Everyone says “business objectives” or “business objectives”, and I don’t want to be like everyone else. Let me have my own zest. Each tough manager should have its own zest, special style, unique handwriting. My hobby is business tasks.

Well, there is a more prosaic explanation. I have been working as a programmer for a long time, and ... Well, yes, I do not work, but I try to work. I earn money. I'm trying to make money. You can't be fooled by you - longer than half a year, I haven't lasted anywhere. Only the constant change of the city to work saves - I do not have time to remember.

I don’t know, really, how are you there without me - because I am at home a couple of times a year. Sometimes, of course, strange thoughts creep in - they say, it was she who came up with a plan ... And supports him ... He lives without me at all ... Young, successful, manager in a famous IT company in Russia ... And he cannot even arrange me to be a technician ... Some villages ... So, everything! Shoo-shoo, silly thoughts! I know, dear, that you love me and wish me only the best! I will definitely make you proud of me and we will be together again!

Distracted. So, I have long been leading programmers in factories. All plants have business tasks - they are constantly discussed at meetings where I attend. Buying new equipment, searching for qualified design engineers, optimizing costs, import substitution, developing new products, entering the international market. These are business tasks that even I can understand. But none of them will ever be assigned to the IT department. Maximum - will attract to connect the company to the machine.

The IT department of the plant has one task - to make everything work. If something doesn’t work, programmers are snooping — either users or me. If it does not work for a long time, or the jamb affects the work of the plant - they screw me up. And I do not like it when they are snooping, especially in public, at a general meeting of managers. This is the worst thing that can happen. Especially when they are forced to explain the reasons for failures - what shall I tell them? Maximum - “the guilty will be found and punished, we will work out measures to prevent this, there are many technical details that you will not understand.” And if you still climb into the details, then I say that the matter is in the dichotomous majorization of the matrix.

So, the business challenge is the one for which I can get a jerk. Therefore, from the very first day I say to programmers that business tasks are the most important. Drop everything and do it. And let the business tasks be solved by others, they will never be entrusted to us.

The first contact with this damn programmer, alas, came out unsuccessful. I asked what problem he was solving - he thought, he would just tell, and I leave my head. No, this bastard opened the source code, and I had to stare at it. He asked about the term - he, it seems, called two months. I slowed down a bit, remembering how you recommended working with deadlines. He remembered the method of half division - well, when the term is stupidly divided in half, he applied it.
At first I almost didn’t use the Pi method, when the term is multiplied by the number 3.14. Glory to the gods, I remembered - this is the same method for the higher ones, when you are given the task. And for subordinates - half division. It seems that the first time I did not confuse them in some places.

The next day, a real business problem arrived - the accounting department yelled at me in the presence of the director. They said that we are breaking the deadline for submitting reports, because the programmer does not help. I, by stupidity, tried to argue with them - they say, what are you treating me, what kind of reporting can be for August? She's giving up quarterly. Then I learned that there are particularly large taxpayers in the world, which is the factory, and they submit reports monthly. Get out, of course - they say, I did not know that you are particularly large, well, that said. But the grin on the face of the chief accountant bitch I really did not like.

He left the meeting and went to the toilet. Events like laxatives affect me. One step from the failure was! He spent about fifteen minutes there, until he came to himself - and ran to the programmer. And this freak is sitting, grinning - they say, what are you like a puppy, run on the first kick from the accounting? I haven't reacted to this for a long time - I know, programmers do not respect those who fall under the users. Yes, and shit, to be honest. My salary is twice as high, and you sit here proud of it. But I am the boss, and you are the subordinate. Feet in hand and do. And do not forget to report.

Unfortunately, this case immediately spoiled my reputation among managers. If earlier they almost didn’t contact me, they probably wanted to take a closer look, but now, as they say, they have already looked closely. Claims have appeared, some old tasks have come up that this fucking programmer has not been able to do for several months or years. I, as you taught, honestly wrote everything down in a red notebook, which is for urgent questions. Well, I explained to everyone that now this task will be surely solved, because I took it under control.

The muck is that the attitude and the director has changed. The point of your road map called "First Bell" came much earlier than the deadline. The director called me and said that he was already going through - I promised at the interview that I would launch new projects, give results, show myself. I, according to the plan, said that my first project is a task management system.

By the way, thanks for helping out. I accidentally drowned the flash drive with the distribution of this system in the toilet - it's good that you sent a copy. I was busy for several days, but I managed to deploy the system on one of the servers - the only one under Windows, was used for the access control system, an old one, but I kind of pulled it out.

In general, everything you said: “I began to implement a task management system — half a year is free.” Well, not everything, of course ... I usually turn off this system in a month. Maybe you will talk to the programmer who did it so that he could somehow modify the system? Well, it really hurts monstrous. Filling twenty fields to set a task is a bust for users of the plant information system?

Unfortunately, no one began to add tasks to my system. I said everything, as you taught - and “transparency is the basis of order”, and “if the task is not written down, then it will not be solved”, and “there is no task - there is no solution”. But, since I was not treated very seriously, no one listened.

At the next meeting with the director received a scramble. I tried to justify myself - they say, I am not guilty, the system is ready, but the enterprise is not. I have no authority over the staff of other departments. He tried to hint that he does not have power either, since everyone decides for himself whether to use the system or not. In vain I, of course, did it.

He somehow immediately became enraged, and for the first time in a conversation with me he used a mat. First, after ten words I inserted it, then after five (also a half division method?), Then a continuous stream went. The essence is this: the power can not be given, it can only be taken. And: the manager is the one who achieves the result. I, like, usually say the same thing, but somehow I seem to understand what he meant.

Only a damn is not clear how this fucking result can be achieved. Can you explain to me? How to make system users who do not obey me enter tasks into my program? Just do not start, please, about all kinds of software skills, cross-communications, leadership and points of view. What do you need?

I didn’t think of anything better than forcing the programmer to bring all the tasks into the system. All that he receives through any channels - mail, verbally, etc. With a grief in half, he got a little while, but he began to bring in tasks. True, I do not know how it happened, but his tasks were recorded without filling in all twenty fields. Hacked, or what?

I decided to develop success. I forced him to fill in all the fields - analytics, utility classifiers, etc. But I got an unexpected effect - I was distressed because the programmer had stopped doing anything at all. I, naturally, to him - this nits sits, smiles, and says that all the working time is spent on filling in the fields in my system. There was no time to argue and persuade - I simply deprived him of the premium for the month, and sat down to fill the analyst myself.

Unfortunately, I did not understand most of the tasks, so I filled out the analyst exactly in order to achieve my goal - to show a plus. Well, as you taught. All tasks proved to be useful for business. All tasks were inexpensive in cost. All tasks brought direct income to business. Directly not the IT department, but some kind of business unit.

For the strategic session, I prepared a presentation. It's good that I have an impersonal template - just insert the plant logo, updated figures in Excel file, all the graphics in the present become relevant, and the reasons and conclusions are the same - well, that I am extremely good and effective.

But then the irreparable happened. I was so happy for the upcoming success that I decided to celebrate it in a local restaurant. It was not very successful - I got drunk, got into a pill, and I was also hurt. I had to send a programmer instead. I sent him a present, said that he himself had flown off to an urgent conference to read the report, and went on to hug another white friend.

The next day, in the office, they looked at me strangely. At first I thought that it was my pallor that the consequences of the poisoning still persisted. I smeared the bruise with the foundation, although it may have been noticeable, therefore they smirked or averted their eyes?

But everything turned out to be more prosaic. This bitch programmer opened my presentation and corrected the numbers. In the graphs of the costs of solving problems, he contributed my salary. I tried not to succeed much, so I laid a not very high profitability, but an increase in the expenditure part three times reduced all our “type of profit” to a minus. Later I looked at the video from the strategic session, and I had to go home for half a day — I had never experienced such shame. They laughed out loud. And this scumbag - along with them.

And you imagine - after that he pinned up and asked for a salary increase! This is the arrogance you need to have to do so! It’s not even the fact that I don’t have a clue how to raise his salary - just how much a brazen thing! I, of course, sent him. Well, not directly, but how did you teach - they say, the wrong moment, you have not shown results, etc.

So this freak himself went to the director and asked to raise his salary! And got a raise in the twenty! After all, gaddyysh, he deliberately arranged everything that way - first he came to me, and then - to the director. So that I, like, understand who is worth something here. And when I asked how here, at the plant, in general, the whole topic with a salary increase is arranged - well, with whom to talk, how to teach, at what point is better - he said that he would not share information with me. Like, I did not help him, and he will not help me.

And then he stupidly sent me to dick. Straight in the face. Good that no one was around. After a salary increase, he became strange at all - he is sitting, doing something, trying, tearing his ass. I decided to use it, and brought him the task - sales managers have long asked to do. Then he sent me. He says that now the director puts the tasks to him directly. And I no longer decree him. Well, I mumbled something, like “well, look, you yourself decided so” - and again to the hospital.

Now it was clear that for a long time I would not last here. But, as long as the formal power is maintained, I decided to take revenge on this nits. I went to the director for a meeting, and we discussed all the failed projects for a long time. Well, as discussed - I tried to somehow justify, without going into the details of the projects (because I do not know them), and he looked at the smartphone and sometimes nodded his head.

Finally, I said that I recently found a root problem, according to Goldratt’s theory — this is our programmer. Let's say I’ll fire him, and everything will be fine at once. Then he looked up from his smartphone, looked into my eyes and calmly said: you are fired.

The final is natural, in general. Just for the first time I was fired because of the programmer. By the way, I went to him after - I say, do you know why I was fired? He answers - no, I do not know. I did not understand, bastard, that there was a trick question. That he is guilty of my dismissal. What do I have to go to hell again, look for plants, rent a room in a communal flat, brew a homeless package and think about you, dear.

Two days later

I sent the letter compiled by you to the programmer. I did not understand, really, why did you write it, and why - on my behalf, but oh well. And why did she indicate the contacts of the company where you work and your mobile phone. But you know better, dear.