I have a fantasy, you yourself are infantile

I think everyone in childhood fantasized, sometimes voiced these fantasies, sometimes not. They cherished them and imagined how it would be great if it really were. Why are there sometimes even fought because of them. Boys often fantasize:

- uh see what kind of car, I have exactly this will

- no, I answered the other with disgust

and such a skirmish could be delayed, or even walk to fight.



In an adult, fantasies disappear - they are replaced by goals. But unfortunately not all grow up.



In childhood, the child is constrained due to which a kind of limiter detector is developed to compete for resources, as in this struggle he may suffer or even die. Growing up does not occur linearly throughout life. This process takes place rather quickly during the pubertal period and then develops along with the new “adult” limiter detector. Under normal conditions, this period falls within the age range from 10 to 16 years, in boys 2 years later. During this period, enormous physical transformations take place and the child achieves sufficient physical development for competitive adult behavior. At the same time, mental transformations take place and the “restriction” of the restrictor for the transition to an adult form of behavior occurs. But if this process is suppressed, then it does not have time to be completed, and the physically adult person has the limitations that are inherent in the child - infantilism. Such an adult child is not ready to compete for resources, and even more so to render forceful opposition in the struggle for them. Can not present yourself to search for new resources or improve existing ones. Can not finish the job.

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They play computer games until retirement. Buy expensive toys, often on credit. For a long time can not be separated from the parents. These are thrown in the search for more ambitious males status girls. To such "stick" "toxic" girls with different types of neurosis. They responsibly nurture offspring (most often not from themselves, but from those very ambitious males). They live "quietly" and grumble at the injustice of life.



They remain children in the adult body and continue to fantasize for the rest of their lives. That business without initial capital does not create. That emigrate without a diploma is not possible. That without a new gadget or car loan can not do. That living with parents up to 30 is normal. What people who have achieved everything from scratch and without outside help, just lucky or they are all thieves, or Jews, or all together. And the world is ruled by a secret world government.



Some are so afraid to turn their fantasy into reality and continue to enjoy it, that they are ready to make such efforts that exceed even those that are necessary for the realization of the fantasy itself. Often they enjoy not only the fantasy itself, but also the fierce upholding of the correctness of the wrong actions carried out by them, which inhibit the realization of the fantasy itself, justifying itself by the fact that they allegedly will help to carry it out or will be useful after its realization. Sometimes they make huge sacrifices from which they themselves suffer, and at the same time involve close people in these sufferings and what is most sad is that they involve their children in it.



Let us examine one case. Suppose I have a friend Gregory, who constantly complains - how everything got enough, where not to spit - officials, everywhere is bureaucracy, the boss got it, drivers cut, pedestrians have a bar under the wheels, the wife saws / changes, the child is idle, there is not enough money, no time what is not ... in short, it is necessary to throw out of this country.



The years went by, I myself went to another country, they rarely began to communicate, but every time I met I heard the same thing - everything is bad and it's time to blame. What I usually answered type:

- Well, once it's time, then you have to do something. Maybe try to change the qualification so that you can find a remote job. Sell ​​or at least rent an apartment. Here Gregory was inspired and began an inspired speech:

- It is easy for you to say, you have neither your wife nor children, you think it’s so easy to take and do it when there is a wife and a child around your neck, as I rent an apartment and leave, and what if they steal everything from it or don’t pay. But what about the child, she has friends here, a section, a kindergarten.

If after that I tried to find logical solutions for the problems voiced, which Grigory could not manage to find a rational excuse, he would get a little angry, mumble something about the fact that it was easy to say, but it was not so easy to do.

Yes, it is definitely not easy, but it is possible.



After some time, we met again and after the next “time to get out” I asked:

- Did you do something during this time?

- Yes! I entered the institute, I will receive a diploma and then I’ll just fall down, I cannot get a job without a diploma.



Here I was a little surprised. Why go to college, when you are over 35, to get out of the country? Why, instead of performing direct actions that lead to the goal, do what slows down the approach to it.

Where is the logic? After all, if you really have a desire to shift, then for this you need to do not so much effort. Let us first set a goal, divide it into tasks, determine the time for each task and to achieve the goal itself. Start to perform systematically.



Let's say I want to get out of town X in Russia, in town N in Navherhud. First you need to study all the necessary information about a given country and city, perhaps during the course of studying your desire will change and you will want to go to another city, and maybe even a country. Further, if you are going to another country and do not know the language at all, then it is advisable to start learning it. This will greatly simplify your life at first, help in finding a job, and even help you save your finances. Then you need to send your wife to work, convince / force more help with the children of grandparents, write in circles, sections, “prodlenki”, throw off all obligations for which you do not pay, like - I help you to make a website to a friend, etc. In general, to find an opportunity to reduce costs in finance and time. Reduce, and even better to completely remove the financial and temporary costs of their toys. Forget about consumer loans forever. Next, go to the courses or begin to "self-study" a foreign language and professionally.



In my experience, one year of learning a foreign language is enough for work. In three months, you can start earning freelancing (with a small “background” in the industry), and in half a year you can reach the level to earn a living for two people in Eastern Europe. Taking into account that I do not have a child and a wife around my neck, you can take it with a margin and add another 1 year to gather / part with thoughts, things, necessary documents and get some more experience.



Total two years, instead of four at the institute. Without a diploma, but with relevant experience and some income from freelancing. Perhaps you would say that at the institute he would receive a diploma and then the choice of work and countries could be expanded, and in some countries it is generally impossible to work without a diploma by law. But I want to argue that it is possible to get a job abroad without a diploma, even without a certificate from school. If the employer is very interested in you, he will find a way for you to have the necessary documents for legalization, there are precedents. And still it is necessary to take into account that after the institute, having spent 4 years of life, there will be zero experience in the field, and for an employer a graduate of an institute with zero experience is considered lower than candidates without a higher education, but with experience. Therefore, it is likely that after the institute it will be necessary to spend another 1-2 years to gain experience, and this is already 5-6 years.



When I announced my position to Gregory, I saw a light in his eyes and prepared for an inspired speech ...



So why does Gregory do this? In fact, everything is simple - in order not to throw away anywhere and continue to enjoy your infantile fantasy, to whine that everything is bad, that everything is enough and in general it is time to blame. But that is not all. Since he was going to bring down only in his imagination, this means that if he graduates from the institute, he will have to invent a new reason for which it is impossible to “dump”. And oh, how unpleasant to excuse, this is generally the most hated. This means that you need to create such a problem for yourself, which certainly will justify not only that there is no possibility to overthrow, but also that it is not yet up to the institute, without which it is of course impossible to blame in his fantasies.



And what does he do? Starts another child. And this after the years on the span of Gregory complained that everything was enough, his wife, children, there is no money and "it's time to blame." Why, you ask? After all, it is logical that the money will no longer become, now it is more difficult to get out of the country. But by that time I didn’t have such a question. I understood. Gregory did so in order to "serve" his favorite infantile fantasy, enjoy his charms and continue to lie to himself and everyone else. And of course, involve your loved ones and children in this game.



Imagine in what “toxic” environment children will have to live with such a father, who sometimes “under the shafa” will complain to his friends that they say that everything is enough, his wife, children, there is no money, it's time to blame, but how can you dump when there are two spinogryza. And at this time one, already quite adult, is standing in the doorway and hears everything, and the other is playing toys next to the floor, perhaps she still does not understand that the folder is grumbling. But, in order to understand feelings, mood, or love, words do not need to be understood, people, like animals, feel this at the level of the first signal system. And young children feel everything and maybe even better, since the second signal system is not yet developed. And such children grow up with a constant sense of guilt. Blame them for causing the bad life of the parent / s. Guilt, which is the reason that the father did not self-actualize in life, did not fulfill his fantasy, which will now and forever remain a fantasy. And all because he never matured. And so the years go by, the children grow up and, accordingly, also do not grow up, and so everything repeats in a circle.



Gregory is not a bad person, he himself became a victim of improper upbringing and socialization. During the work of the natural natural program to get rid of the “childish” detector-limiter, pressure and the introduction of prohibitions by parents, grandparents, teachers and other structures continued. Yes, Gregory was not guilty. But now, if he or others like him have read this article, from now on you will be guilty! You will be guilty in front of your children and loved ones, in front of yourself, if you do not start growing up yourself!



It's complicated. It's damn hard! I know, because I myself embarked on this path 15 years ago. You will lose a lot in this process, but you will definitely get more than what you have now. Sometimes you have to show strength and be cruel from the point of view of those who have not yet embarked on this path. You will try to manipulate. You will be pointed out your shortcomings. You will be persuaded to be sensible and say - what were you good boys before and what happened to you? But I assure you, no need to give in to doubts, this process is exciting and worth the effort. And starting once, you can not stop. Because with each small step you will receive new feelings from life, find new friends and connections, find great resources for yourself and your family, and maybe even create a new one. You can become a living example of a successful leader for your growing children.



I would like everyone to have an honest relationship with himself and the outside world. So that you admit to yourself of your self-deception and illusions, taking the path of personal growth = maturing. To learn to respect and truly love yourself and loved ones as they are. So that they could ruthlessly part with “toxic” relationships. To improve your financial and housing conditions. To stop spending their life energy on the "maintenance" of their illusions and began to set goals and achieve them in real life. But most importantly, I would like for you to grow mentally healthy children and that you help them grow up and they have a chance to succeed. I wish this to everyone, because the more healthy, happy and successful people, the more successful the society in which we are. I wish everyone to overcome their fears, get rid of children's prohibitions and illusions and become the best version of themselves.