Corporate mouse

- Yes, you got me with your quality! - shouted Nikolay. - You are a quality service, so you are engaged in your direct duties! And I will sharpen the details!

- Everyone sharpens how he wants? - Sergey asked at length, looking at the table. Then I startled a little, looked up and continued. - There is such a song - at night in silence, I sharpen pencils, let them say that everybody is nineteen years old.

- And who are you at all? - rather borzo, but with some apprehension asked Nikolay.
')
Production, which was led by Nikolai, was acquired by the company "Kub" no further, as two weeks ago, and its territorial remoteness did not allow quickly sort out the positions, influence and intrigues of the royal court.

- And I, Kolya, the one who will teach you life. - Sergey said in a hoarse bass. “How many I slaughtered, how many I cut, how many souls I ruined ...”

Then Sergei coughed, causing a general laugh.

- So, stop. - intervened Svetlana Vladimirovna. - Nikolai, please take seriously the question designated by Marina. The quality of the products on your ... You, in short, are now far from ideal. It is necessary to develop measures, implement them in order to bring the parameters of the products into the proper form.

- So let your Marina develop these events! - Nicholas did not let up. - She was given into submission by our Quality Control Department, let her come and tell them what to do and how to ensure quality.

- Mr. Kasatsky! - Marina, as always in moments of anger, began to quickly blush. - All activities have been developed for a long time, and their results are included in the relevant technological documentation. For example, the frequency of measurement of parts for each process operation, the requirements for measuring tools and its verification ...

- Bla-bla-bla ... - Nikolai cheekily smiled and lounged in his chair. - Why are you pushing me your crap into the process? Who am you, student? I studied the course of metrology, and statistics, like, attended. But where are we, the production? This is not our topic, but yours. So you do.

- Wait, Nikolai. - Svetlana Vladimirovna entered. - Do you call the periodic measurement of details on the line not your topic?

- Of course not. - Nikolai sharply pushed off from the back of the chair and sat up straight. - These are the normal requirements of the technical process, and we strictly comply with them. It is written in five parts to measure - a worker in five and measures. The size leaves - it carries out adjustment. Well, there is a tool replacement, if necessary, does. Everything is as it should be.

- What do you then climb into the bottle? - Sergey asked. Of course, he did not say "in the bottle", but oh well.

- And the fact that it has nothing to do with quality. - Nikolai grew bolder again. - There is a technical process, we are performing it, and if ...

Then he hesitated a little, which greatly amused Sergei.

- And if you got shit, then you are not to blame? - Sergey finished for him. - Then, should they be checked and corrected at the Quality Control Department for you?

- Yes! - proudly blurted out Nikolai.

- Svetlana Vladimirovna, I have to go out, about ten minutes. Do not you mind?

- Incontinence? - grinned Nikolai.

- Worse. - Sergey supported with a smile. - He flipped with gravy.

Nikolay began to snicker, one of all those present. Svetlana Vladimirovna nodded silently in response to Sergey's request, and he left.

“Nikolai, with all due respect to your past merits ...” - carefully choosing her words, Svetlana Vladimirovna spoke. - And considering your experience in production management, the merits of the plant, which has long supplied parts to the conveyor belt of major automakers ... But you are now part of Cube. We will have to accept our rules, feel our values ​​and join our team.

- Or pour out of it, to hell with the dogs. - Marina said viciously. “Stink your cows in the village.”

- Marina! - the director said loudly and strictly. - You, too, would not hurt to remember the values ​​of our company!

“And then she kicked the hell out here, chicken ...” muttered Nikolay.

- Quiet! - Svetlana Vladimirovna could not resist, banged her fist on the table and jumped off. - If we, the key employees of the holding, are going to, forgive, shit like bums at the stall, what can we expect from the rank and file ... Well, from the rest of our colleagues, in general? I demand to stop immediately, otherwise I will impose a disciplinary action! With both! Ugh, with both! It does not matter, you understand! I will deprive of premiums!

Nikolay was going to say something, but Svetlana Vladimirovna once again hit her fist on the table — so hard that she jumped up a tray with paper, tipped a glass with pencils and bobbed plastic bottles with water.

- What is the next question on the agenda? - Svetlana Vladimirovna shouted loudly.

- We will not review product quality summary? - in a trembling voice asked the office manager Ksenia, who kept the protocol. “We started, but ...”

- I remember. - broke the director. - We will.

Svetlana Vladimirovna sat down on her chair - strict, with a straight back, head held high and an extremely angry expression on her face.

- Marina, read the summary. The rest - be silent and listen.

- Got it. - Marina nodded.

“She understood ...” the director grumbled.

- What?

- Nothing. Read.

“So, for the whole week, marriage is fifty percent.”

- What? Cried Nicholas. - What the fuck ...

- Am I not clearly expressed? - turned to him Svetlana Vladimirovna. - You will have a response word.

- Yes, I will forgive forgiveness. - Nikolay hesitated.

- But on Wednesday there was almost no marriage. It is not excluded that details of Tuesday were included in the measurements of the environment - carry-over residues from the night shift, for example, it only works during the day.

- What is the reason? - strictly asked the director.

- In terms of? - Marina’s voice trembled in fright. - Why does Quality Control work only during the day?

- Not. - Svetlana Vladimirovna suddenly smiled. “Why was there almost no marriage on Wednesday?”

- I do not know, to be honest. Maybe some other workers in this shift were? Nikolay, what do you say?

- The same. - indifferently answered the production manager. - We do not change shifts in places, it’s time to know already ...

- Again? - interrupted Svetlana Vladimirovna. - What was unusual on Wednesday?

- I do not know. - Nicholas shrugged. - Nothing like. And what's the difference - marriage is small, and thank God.

- No, I need to figure it out. - strictly said the director. - Marina, maybe at the OTC something unusual was on this day? Do not remember?

- No, everything is as usual. I came, talked ...

- Stop! - Svetlana Vladimirovna pointedly raised her index finger. - You arrived? On the production?

- Well, yes, I made it a rule - every week, on Wednesdays, to go to a new production in order to ...

- You appeared in the shop?

- Of course. The Quality Control Department does not have a separate entrance, only through the workshop.

- Did Nikolai know about your visit?

- Of course, I always notify him. Well, if the word "always" is applicable to two weeks of collaboration. This time, too, I called in advance, on Tuesday, he took me through the workshop once more, showed what and where, they talked to the workers.

- So here is the clue! - happily said Svetlana Vladimirovna. - Visit effect! Only reverse.

- What? - Marina frowned.

- Well, the visit-effect, did not hear, or what? When everything works, the verifier comes, no matter who, and suddenly, for no reason at all, some problems begin, the devil doesn't plow, and in general. Only here - the opposite. There is no one from the center - the marriage is being driven, Marina has arrived - the marriage has gone somewhere. Is it clear?

- Yes. - Marina smiled happily. - Well, Nikolay, confess then what was there on Wednesday?

- Yes, there was nothing! Cried Nicholas.

- You are just like a husband caught in bed with a woman, shout - there was nothing! - Marina intensified the pressure. - So, you can normally do the products, just do not want? Come on, just walked through all the workers, and told them to start fulfilling all the requirements of the process? And look, did the marriage disappear somewhere right away? Well? Why are you silent?

- I repeat once again. - chasing every word, said Nikolai. - I have not taken any action in connection with your arrival. And we always comply strictly with the requirements of the technical process. We do our job well. And to you, the service of quality, it would not hurt to do your job well, ensuring the very quality that ...

- Which should be produced, but not provided as a result of control? - sarcastically asked Marina. - You are an adult, and you babble like Lala is small. What can an OTC do if you bring a bad part? Measure and say that it is not suitable? Everything? Or did I miss something?

- Ensure quality! Cried Nicholas. - How do I know how you will do it? I am not going to teach you your work, and you do not teach me! We are production, not laboratory mice!

- So. - Svetlana Vladimirovna sternly began, but she did not have time to negotiate - Sergey entered the negotiation room.

His face literally glowed with joy. In one hand was a cup of tea on a saucer, in the other - a small plate with something resembling a sandwich. On the same hand was a black bag.

- Nikolay! - Sergey said loudly. - You are straight from the road - and to the meeting? Hungry, come on? I'll make you a sandwich maker here, help yourself! Sorry, I didn’t know if tea is needed with sugar or not - I threw four slices on the saucer, that's enough, I guess. Colleagues, do you mind?

Nobody objected - everyone was staring at the scene, knowing the character of Sergey. But Nikolai did not know.

- Thanks. - He nodded, delighted not so much tea, as getting rid of the need to continue the unpleasant conversation.

Sergey put tea, a plate with a sandwich in front of Nikolai and went to his place, taking with him a black bag.

Nikolay, slowly, gurgled two pieces of sugar into the blackness of the tea and began to stir with a spoon, loudly striking the edges of the cup. The drink apparently had enough time to cool, and the cacophony lasted for half a minute. Finally, he finished and drank from the cup with pleasure. He reached for the sandwich, almost already grabbed, but his hand hung a centimeter from the plate.

- And what is he ... - Nikolai asked in bewilderment. - Strange some ...

The sandwich was really strange. The usual piece of bread for toast, which is sold in rolls already sliced, was thickly buttered. Moreover, from all sides - from above, and from below, and even on the sides.

- What's wrong, buddy? - Sergey asked cheerfully. - The quality of the sandwich is not satisfied?

- Well, not that a gift horse, as they say ... But maybe give a fork?

- What for? According to the process, a sandwich is supposed to be eaten by hands, so if you please.

- And what for it from all sides smeared with oil?

- It does not matter. - Sergey waved his hand. - You brought, and you figure out what to do next. I assure you, I personally produced this masterpiece, and did everything as it should. Do not even hesitate.

- Yes, what is there to doubt something ... - Nikolai, from frustration, even put the cup on the table and stopped throwing tea. - Only products fuck up.

- Well, you fix it?

“I’ll fix it, for once the matter went.” - Nikolai shrugged his shoulders, took out a handkerchief from his pocket and began to clean the bread from excess oil.

- Get pleasure? - Sergei asked, looking at the torment of the head of production. - Do you have sensations - well, somewhere in the corner of the subconscious - that your work on correcting a sandwich, let's say ... Extra, or what? It seems like it is not necessary to experience such difficulties by correcting errors that you could not do?

- Not. - Nikolai muttered, having already removed a layer of butter from two sides of bread and carefully grabbed a sandwich with two fingers. - Everything can be fixed, there would be a desire. I talk about that when I say ...

- Yes, you are just a master! - not at all embarrassed, interrupted Sergei. - I have one more example for you, if you don’t mind.

- Bwabwade. - Nikolai muttered with his mouth full.

Sergey leaned to his feet, went off the bag, pulled out a small gray lump on a string and threw it on the table. The lump made several turns and stopped near the plate.

- Mouse! - Marina realized first, sharply pushed off with her feet, drove a good meter on a chair, jumped up and ran back to the window.

No one screamed, but after a second Nikolay was left at the table alone. He hesitated a little, wondering what to do with his mouth full, but he could not stand it and dumped all its contents directly onto the table. Part of it hit the plate, something got the mouse, and, well, spoiled my pants a bit.

- You, ***, absolutely ***, or what? - Marina screamed.

- Quiet, honey, I'm trying for you. - Sergey smiled. - Calmly, the mouse is not alive. Do not say that the dead, because not his death has fallen. This is the watchman catching a mousetrap, I saw, so I ran to them. Just fresh, half an hour ago, she made plans for life, hurried somewhere ...

- Sergei. - speechless, finally returned to Svetlana Vladimirovna. “Of course, I understand everything, but it seems ...”

- Yes, you wait, Svetlana Vladimirovna. - Sergey answered. - You will always have time to fire me. Nicholas and I have not yet discussed everything.

- I'm not going to fire you, Sergey. It's just ... It's disgusting. Drag the dead mouse into the meeting room ...

- I will remove everything, do not worry. With chlorine wash your table, the mouse will burn with a solemn burn. Although, the watchmen are not steaming, just throwing ... well, let's get down to business. Everyone was embarrassed? Or someone else will speak about my diagnosis?

- You, ***, generally ***? Yes, I am for you ... - Nikolai tidied himself up a bit, wiped his face with an oily scarf, which in some places began to cast an unhealthy shine.

- Easy, buddy. - Sergey answered. - You managed with a sandwich, were able to bring it, so to speak, into compliance with the requirements. Here with this instance what will you do?

Sergey pointed his finger at the dead mouse. Nikolai looked at Sergey, then at the unfortunate animal, then at the director, as if trying to figure out how to proceed.

- Well, why are you silent? Imagine yourself on the spot. That brought you gentlemen production workers such a product. If you are so clearer, let it be ... Size drove, for example. The shaft diameter is less than the lower limit of the tolerance. Everything, in an otvetku it not to interpose - will hang out, as ... As should not, more shortly. Well, let's think. Well, you think that the Department of Technical Control is necromancers, and here you will show the wonders of the village savvy. What are we going to do with the mouse?
Nicholas calmed down a bit, and continued to think painfully.

“Well ...” he began uncertainly. - There is a violation if talking about a mouse ...

- What is a violation? Technical process?

- Well yes.

- And when the item defective from you comes - here, then, it is not there? Let's see, purely for the sake of neighing, tomorrow Marina and I will come to your workshop, stand next to the workers, see how they change the instrument in time, take measurements and so on. Maybe the quality of this day will be a little higher?

- Sergei. - Marina entered. “We were just discussing such an incident while you were hunting mice there.” There was almost no marriage last Wednesday, I was just at work.

- Aha ... - Sergey was embarrassed. - Ahead, then. Damn, that would be a wow effect.

- Yes, your mouse can not be compared. - answered, smiling, Marina. - When we discussed the absence of marriage, no one jumped up from the chairs.

- Eh, you do not know how to be surprised. - Sergey smiled. - Adults have become forgotten. The simplest methods have achieved a radical improvement in product quality, and are not even surprised. If every day such breakthroughs do. Although, now here we can’t fix it, don’t think up how to root this practice in production, and all quality will come to nothing again. Or already gone?

- Already. - Marina nodded. - Cat from the house - the mouse in the dance. The next day, the marriage returned to its previous level.

- It's a pity, our mouse will not start dancing anymore. - Sergey sighed. - Not everything is good for you, right, Kolyan?

Nikolay turned away nervously and did not answer.

- Come on, come on, turn away what remains to you. Even call mom, we have here so accepted. In the form with the values ​​is not recorded, of course, but stomping a foot and shouting that they arranged a booth here, in which you refuse to take part, is quite acceptable to yourself. Boring you.

- Boring? - Nikolai suddenly turned.

- Yeah. At first, I thought that, since you supplied car factories there, then you are fine with the quality. I saw a certificate in the plant management, well, this one, like his ... 16949 number, specialized for the automotive industry. And you have everything, like all.

- This is how, let me ask?

- Through the ass like something else. Do, how horrible, and drag to check in the Quality Control Department. Slipped - good. You didn’t come through - swearing, arguing, yelling that the plan is failing, writing papers, calling the director. There is no just to do normally, as expected.

“We are doing ...” began Nicholas, but he stopped himself.

- Yeah, I already understood how you are doing. So okay, if the technical process was bad - no, normal. The constructor and technologists you have are old, correct, of the old school, they worked in the design bureau, they provided everything. And you, the production manager, cannot provide elementary technological discipline.

- What? - The question was from Svetlana Vladimirovna.

- Technical process performance. - Nikolay answered gloomily.

- If they say - you take more, you throw further - it means you take more, you throw further. Everything. Here, damn it, and everything you need to know about quality. And if everything is done according to the process, but the quality is bad, then the process should be reviewed. Well, or, as you like to whine there, your equipment is old, the materials are bad, the tool is useless. But this is all - after technological discipline, and only this way. By the way, grinding two machines, at the window which, are they still from the car factory?

- In terms of? Where are you from…

- I was at your factory, about fifteen years ago. On practice. I really don't remember you ...

- I have not worked there yet. - interest appeared in Nikolai's voice. - What did you do in practice?

- I'll tell you later.- Sergey waved his hand. - In short, the proposal is. When were you going to go back?

- In the evening. I still have a few things left to do, but when ...

- How about going to go tomorrow? - impatiently interrupted Sergei. - Tomorrow night. You spend the night in a hotel, take a walk around the city, go to the movies. The company will pay the hotel. Will the company pay for the hotel?

With this question, Sergei turned to Svetlana Vladimirovna.

- Well, if you really need ... - the director was embarrassed. - Why, Sergey?

- There is one little idea ... just to find Tolyana. Nikolay, what do you say? Family let go?

- Family on vacation. - confusedly said Nikolai. - Well, if necessary, I will stay until tomorrow.

- Agreed! Marina, we are running, we need to discuss the details!

Sergey grabbed Marina by the hand and dragged him to the exit. He stopped at the very door, hearing the cry of Svetlana Vladimirovna.

- Sergei! Mouse!