Corporate pig

- I propose to discuss this issue separately. - said Yevgeny Viktorovich.

Suddenly, at the far end of the table there was a strange rustling. Everyone turned at the sound and smiled.

- Well, what are you torturing the unhappy pig! - Marina was indignant. - Leave her poor ass alone!
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- Yes, Sergey, what are you doing? - the owner asked politely enough.

- I will not say. - Sergey muttered.

In front of him, on the table, there was a large piggy bank in the shape of a cheerful pink pig, and Sergei fumbled, trying to shove a piece of paper folded several times into the hole for coins.

- Specifically chose to have a hole in the ass? - sarcastically asked Marina.

- Not. The main thing is to be big. It is necessary to push a lot.

Marina, knowing that Sergey is not looking at her, twisted her finger at her temple, prompting everyone's approval.

- We have a development director - all development directors are a development director. She said meaningfully.

At the next general meeting, the situation repeated. At first, while they were discussing the usual operational issues, such as the receipt of money and the fulfillment of plans, Sergey was bored - he looked out the window, read the “Fiery God of Marrans” brought with him or played the phone. But at the end of the agenda, when general questions began, so to speak, he quickly took out a pig from under the table, prepared stickers and a pen, and became all worried.

We discussed the introduction of a new technique, brought by the owner from courses at Harvard. After a long debate, tired Yevgeny Viktorovich decided to stop the meeting.

- So, let's determine those responsible, and I am waiting for the event. - he said.

Sergey immediately inscribed something on a sticker, folded it and stuffed it into a pig. Practice gave the result - it came quickly and accurately. But the laughter among those present was still heard.

In the corridors, Sergey dragged a pig under his arm. I went with her to the smoking room, to the toilet, and when I washed my hands, I pinched the pig between my knees (shouldn't I put it on the floor in the toilet?).

It happened that he went to some department, sat in a corner, put a pig on his knees and took out a book or smartphone. So he could sit all day. But sometimes, for no reason at all, suddenly he began to feed the pig with stickers again.

This went on for quite a long time - two weeks. Surrounding people have long been accustomed to this behavior of Sergei, and stopped paying attention to him. Then Sergey declared to the owner.

- Evgeny Viktorovich, there is a request. - Sergey began. - I want to conduct training.

- You? - the owner sincerely surprised.

- I. - not at all embarrassed, replied the director of development.

“Well ...” Yevgeny Viktorovich hesitated for a while, thought for a few seconds, then suddenly shook himself and continued. - And in fact, why not? Who, if not the director of development, conduct training for staff? I will be very happy if you become ...

- Evgeny Viktorovich ... - Sergey interrupted him. - Firstly, not for staff, but for managers. This is a key condition. Secondly, it is not necessary, as usual, to rent a conference room - I will hold a training here in the office. Thirdly, it must be a day off. Fourth, there should be no one other than managers in the building. Look like that's it…

The owner looked at Sergei with surprise. He almost hesitated under his gaze, lowered his eyes and began to pull at his pig.

“Is it related to your pet?” - smiled Yevgeny Viktorovich.

- Yes. - Sergey answered shortly. - Organize?

- Of course! This coming Sunday.

- You are needed too.

- No doubt!

On Sunday, all conditions were met. Of the employees on the territory of the enterprise was only the janitor. Sergey, having passed the checkpoint, already wanted to be offended by the owner - after all, it was about the complete absence of employees, but he spat and decided not to be a pedophile.

All managers gathered in the largest office - the sales department. We sat down at workplaces, chatted about something, someone was stupid in the phone, some were even dozing. When the proprietor entered the office, the people cheered up a bit and prepared to listen.

- No, you think in vain that the main character today is me. - smiled Yevgeny Viktorovich. - Sergey will conduct the training.

- Your mother. - Marina said loudly. - What kind of training can this freak do?

- About pig breeding! - shouted Zhubrak, causing a series of chuckles.

At this moment the door of the office opened, and Sergey entered, provoking real laughter - he had that porcelain piggy under his armpit.

- Let's not waste time. - Sergey immediately said and went to the window - there was the most free space there. - Yevgeny Viktorovich, please, take a seat in the hall. You will work on a par with the rest.

- Yes, yes, I do not mind. - the owner quickly sat down on the nearest chair.

- So, first talk a little. - Sergey put the pig on the windowsill and began to pace on a small patch of the improvised scene.

- We are the leaders. What does a manager do? What is its main function or duty?

- Well, lead. - without thinking, Marina shouted from her seat.

- What does it mean to lead? - Sergey asked.

- Hand drive! - cheerfully shouted Basil Lunin, director of procurement, a great merry fellow and joker.

The male half of the team laughed - though a bit stiff.

“You, Vasya, lead this way, which is true - as if ... Well, this is ...” Marina laughed in response. - I would sit at home and drive my own hand ...

- Yes I…

- Stop it. - Sergei cried. - Friends, we have a serious event here. I repeat the question - what is the main responsibility of the head?

There were several standard answers, such as strategic management, performance monitoring, work planning, staff motivation, and so on.

- Yes, all this is important. - nodded Sergey. - But, if we abstract a little, go higher, what is the basis of all these actions?

- Making decisions? - the owner has entered.

- Bingo! - Sergey stopped, sharply spun towards Evgeny Viktorovich and pointed at him with his finger. Quickly realized what looks like an idiot, and again began to pace along the window, like a professor at the blackboard.

- So, our main responsibility is decision making. From the phrase I said, you need to select a keyword. What do you think?

- Solutions? - Marina asked.

- Not.

- Take?

- Not.

- The main?

- Come on, go through all the words, including prepositions. - Sergey smiled.

- There is a duty! - Marina did not give up.

- Well, thank God. Duty, right. Do you understand what this word means? Here we have, for example, a worker who stands at the machine. His main responsibility is to sharpen details. What will happen to the worker if he stops sharpening the details?

- Fired. - answered Yevgeny Viktorovich.

- What will happen to the manager if he stops making decisions?

- Also dismiss. - the owner has not very confidently answered.

- Come on. - Sergey smiled. - Then you have to dismiss all those present.

The owner smiled and fell silent.

- We, the leaders, treat the decision-making, not as a duty, but as a privilege. Well, it seems like, I want - I will make a decision, I do not want - I will not accept. And the worker, in our understanding, does not have such freedom. He must come in the morning, stand behind the machine and not leave until he fulfills his standard. Theoretically, the manager should do the same - he came to work, ruined his fat ass in his smart chair, opened the mail, task manager and the door to his office, and went to make decisions. But in fact, how is it going?

The question was addressed to the hall, but no one answered.

- But in fact it happens that we imagined ourselves ... It doesn’t matter, we just imagined ourselves. When people come to us with a question, we will make a decision every once in a while, then we will answer “I will think it over,” and if the asserter insists, we will send it far away, and we will continue to warm our ass in a comfortable chair.

Sergey expected a violent reaction, but it did not follow. Someone yawned, some attentively listened, the others, apparently, pretended.

- Imagine the head, as a kind of machine. - Sergey continued. - A piece of the general scheme, a system where there are work units, and there are managers. What is important: the control link is not at all more important than the worker. He just has another function - to make decisions. Like, I do not know ... The sound sensor on the light bulb. I have such in the entrance recently set. While quiet, the lights are off. As soon as the sound of a certain volume - light up, for about twenty seconds. So, the sound sensor is the controlling link. Information is brought to him - sound, and he makes a decision - should the light bulb come on? In your opinion, what will happen if the sensor ceases to fulfill its responsibility?

- You stumble on the stairs, you fall and you break your turnips. - Vasya shouted. - Or you will be drunk gouge in someone else's apartment.

- Speaking easier, it will be a mess. - Sergey did not respond. - A system built with a sensor in mind will stop working. If there is a controlling link in the scheme, it must fulfill its duties. Otherwise, the circuit must be rebuilt - as it used to be, without a sensor. A dumb switch on the first floor - clicked, and all the lights came on. Yes, not very effective. But better than beautiful, but not working circuit with a sound sensor.

- But the nastiest in the other. - Sergey continued. - From making decisions depend on the actions of our subordinates. It sounds trite and beaten, but think about these words. There is some kind of topic, it doesn’t matter which one. In order for it to start, we need our solution. And we do not accept it. We think, or we discuss, or on the shelf we remove - in short, we do not fulfill our duty. And the topic is worth a stake. It happens that the implementation of this topic requires a few hours, or even minutes, and we make a decision, or more precisely, do not accept it - for several months.

- Sergey, we normally make decisions. - Marina said seriously. - Or, in your terms, we clearly perform our duties.

- Yes, Sergey, are there any doubts? - Marina supported the owner.

- All doubts dispel piggy. - Sergey went to the window sill, took the piggy bank and, after a couple of seconds, slammed it on the floor.

Fragile porcelain shattered, leaving a handful of pink stickers in place. Sergey neatly grabbed them in a handful, dusted off the fragments and put them on the window sill.

- This is, friends - our unadopted decisions. You have noticed for a long time that I carry this piggy bank with me. I put into it all the questions that were indicated, but did not dare. Please note - this is not about issues that did not materialize, but only about those where our decision was required, but we didn’t fulfill our responsibility, and the topic hung in the air.

All present attentively looked at a handful of stickers, waiting for Sergey to start reading out. And he stood and looked at the crowd, as if he was not going to satisfy their interest.

- Do you think I'll read them now, try to shame you and we will disperse? - Sergey asked with a smile. - And for the sake of it cost you here to drag on Sunday? Nooo. We will have a game.

There was a humming silence in the office.

- There is such an old game, called forfeits. Everyone thinks of some kind of action, such as jumping on one leg, digging into his nose, and so on, and puts some object in the common piggy bank. Then each participant pulls out a random item, and performs the action conceived by those who put the item. We will also have forfeits. Here, in this heap, are questions raised either by one of you or by your subordinates. Each of you will take a piece of paper, and attention ... It will have to solve the issue that is written there today.

Ahi and oohs spread through the hall, then a whisper of indignation.

- What the fuck, Sergey? - Marina was indignant. - We have nothing to do, except in your games idiotic play?

- Marina. - the owner answered her hesitantly. - Training - there is training. You have to do everything you say. That's the whole point.

- Well, if he sends me a toilet now? - Marina yelled.

- I think this will not happen. - smiled Yevgeny Viktorovich.

- So. - Sergey continued. - The goal of the game is to understand, accept and realize the importance of timely decision making. I made a decision on time - everything goes like clockwork. Any of the questions written on these stickers would have been resolved long ago if you had performed your duties. But you did not make decisions when you had to, so you will solve the issues yourself. Yes, it's disgusting, but this is life. Another time you will work better.

- What does it mean to be? - Marina yelled. - You yourself, perhaps, do not participate?

Sergey hesitated a little, looked at the owner, he nodded.

- Yes, sir, what am I ... Also participating, along with everyone. So, the lesson is: if you have not done your part of the work, then you will do all the work. Your part is the decision to make. I did not make a decision - you fucked the whole topic with your own hands. It's clear?

No one answered, but there were no objections.

- Lesson number two: must be done. If you don't, someone else does, with no options. Reorganize your thinking, please, and accept, as a fact: the theme should be done. This applies to our game, and to life. If they came to you and asked to make a decision, do not think that you are now the main and only one. If you miss it, it will make another. And for you a couple of questions will appear. In our game, the lesson is implemented as a simple rule. You pull a sticker, if you don’t agree to implement it in principle - it may say so, and a different performer will be randomly selected from among those present. But the theme will be implemented. It's clear?

The silence in the office confirmed that there were no objections.

- Lesson number three. - Sergey continued. - The price of the unaccepted decision. If you remember, Evgeny Viktorovich somehow gave us a lecture about the concept of fail fast, fail cheap. He said that it is better to quickly make the wrong decision, and then fix it, than to wise up to the end of the ages with the adoption of the right decision, but to do nothing. The price of the unaccepted decision is higher than the erroneous price. We will not fantasize about any karmic managerial consequences, but set the price in rubles. Any of you may refuse to perform the fantas, but for this you will have to pay your monthly salary.

This time a rumble of indignation swept through the office. Some jumped up from their seats and shouted something furiously, but Sergey just stood and smiled.

- Colleagues! - shouted the owner, getting up from his seat. - I support!

- Whom? - Marina asked. - Us or this?

- This! - Evgeny Viktorovich pointed to Sergey.

- Well, you are fine. - answered Marina. - You have no salary.

- Do not worry. - smiled the owner. - I, in case of refusal, will pay the amount equal to the largest salary of all those present.

- Well, transfer money from your left pocket to your right. - Marina did not let up. - You will hand over the money to the company, which is already yours.

- By the way. - Yevgeny Viktorovich hesitated. - Sergey, where will the money go?

- We will distribute to employees in equal shares. A small bonus. And maybe a big one - how it goes.

- It's outrageous! - shouted a commercial director. - Idiocy of some kind! I refuse to participate in this raptor!

- Your right. - Sergey shrugged his shoulders.

- I am so indignant that it is not a pity to part with money! - Commercial moved to the scene, without ceasing to speak. - Truth and decency are more expensive than your idiotic games!

- Oh, come on. - Sergey answered. - No need to build a martyr yourself. You have a salary - a spot, the rest - a percentage of total sales.

- Well ... so what? - commercial eyes were already round. - The point is not in sum!

- Come on. - Sergey sincerely smiled. “If the cost of not fulfilling a fantasis equal to a couple of hundreds, there would be no one in the office.

- And nevertheless ... - the commercial was not appeased.

- So, Vladimir Nikolaevich. The owner shouted. - We don’t need to organize lectures here. We decided to leave - leave. Silently.

- Yes I…

- Everything. Take things and go home. On Monday, bring the money.

Commercial, pysha malice, picked up his bag and left the office.

- Well, to enhance the intrigue, add one more rule. - Sergey continued. - Who does not fulfill his fant, gives half the salary.

- Yes, you are completely ohrenel, or what? - Marina yelled. - You have there, you see, such tasks that you cannot do in a year!

“Don't worry about that.” - Sergey said soothingly. - I chose only those tasks for the execution of which one day would be enough.

- Knowing you, I strongly doubt. - Marina said a little quieter.

- You'll see soon. Well, begin? - rubbing his hands, asked Sergey. - Who is first?

- I! - Marina yelled and jumped up from her seat.

- Do you believe in probability theory? - smiled Sergei and went to a handful of stickers on the windowsill.

Marina did not answer, stood beside her and began to look at the pink pieces of paper. As luck would have it, every single one of them was folded, and there was no possibility of reading the contents. Sighing heavily, Marina pulled out the sticker and unfolded it.

- What? - Squinting, she peered into scribbles. - Like a chicken paw ... What is written here?

- Give me that ... - Sergey took the sticker, looked and smiled broadly. - Here you are lucky! Wash the toilet!

- What? - Marina's face immediately began to blush. - And how is toilet cleaning related to decision making?

- Well, how ... - Sergey rattled. - The cleaning lady quit two weeks ago. New has not yet been found. At meetings several times discussed what to do with the toilet. Whether duty yet to establish, or a cleaning company at the time to hire, or even what options. Where is the solution?

- In Karaganda! I will not wash the toilet! I'm a quality director, not a scrubber! - screamed enraged Marina.

- What a pity? What do you choose? Salary or someone else happy?

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At this time, Marina did not fumble, just pulled out the first piece of paper and gave it to Sergey.

“Oh, brush ...” Sergey smiled mysteriously. - Evgeny Viktorovich, you.

There was a dead silence in the hall. The owner had a long face, but he quickly regained control of himself and smiled.

“Well ...” he said, rolling up his sleeves. - For ten years I have not washed the toilets. Remember the youth.

- Not! - Marina suddenly screamed. - I myself! Sorry, Evgeny Viktorovich!

- There is no going back. - he smiled politely. - Consider this as another lesson - here's the price of a decision made too quickly. Apparently, it is not always necessary to indiscriminately use fail fast, fail cheap.

- Yes, I ... - began to justify Marina.

- It's okay! - the owner has given up a hand. - Sergey, go ahead. My hands are itching. Where only to find detergents ...

- In the closet under the stairs. - Sergey answered. - Marina, choose another sticker.

Marina silently approached and quickly pulled out a piece of paper.

- Trend management. - With difficulty she dismantled. “What the ... Oh, well.” What do you need to do?

- If you remember, this topic was brought by Evgeny Viktorovich. - Sergey began to explain. - I read, a very cool technique, and not a technique at all, but just a recommendation. Understand what it is, how to apply it, and, well, as you like - count up the business process.

- Good.- Marina answered dryly.

- Vasya, come on you? - Sergey pointed to the director of supply.

- Easy!- He replied, came up and took a piece of paper. - So ... Buy and lay a mat in front of the entrance?

- Yeah.- Sergey nodded. - This is perhaps the simplest. We don’t have a farm, and we haven’t been able to decide for a long time who will buy this unfortunate rug. And people continue to fall and cut off their asses. Will you do

- To the supplier of something to buy and bring? Yes, it's my job! - Vasya said cheerfully and returned to his seat.

Then it went quickly. Svetlana Vladimirovna, the director, got the addition to the news site for six months, to which she was very happy, because was a former marketer.

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An hour later, Sergei finished with the anthem. Vasya pulled himself up - went together, looked at the rug in front of the entrance, returned to the office. Evgeny Viktorovich came up, and after a short conversation, he took out a laptop and began to work. Soon, pleased Svetlana Vladimirovna came up, and she showed Sergei the results - about twenty short news items. Sergey wanted to understand what he could have done more, but he decided not to become impudent.

Last caught up Marina. She was pretty smiling, carrying a few sheets of paper.

- Well, all finished? She asked cheerfully. - Do I have a report to do?

- Well, yes ... - Sergei shrugged. - Otherwise we will not check your results.

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, - . The melody sounded, at first, really, reminiscent of a hymn. Then the tempo accelerated, a poor synth electric guitar, drums and even a piano were added. This cacophony lasted no more than a minute.

- And what ... - muttered the owner. - I like. Not a fountain, of course - excuse me, Sergey, but it is clear that I tried.

- What is punk about? - asked Jubrak. - Just what for there piano at the end?

- Well, what ... - Sergey was already all red with shame. - Piano punk, why not.

- And the words? - Marina asked suddenly. - Where are the words?

- What words?

- Well, the words should be in the hymn. We agreed.

- I ... - Sergey hesitated, began to fuss, slammed the laptop. - I forgot, it seems ...

- Half the salary on the table?

- Yes. - Sergey breathed a sigh of relief.