Corporate napalm

Sergey so stood in a ridiculous pose, not daring to lower his legs. The expression of fright mixed with apparent disbelief in the ridiculous situation in which he found himself.

The commercial director, having exhaled loudly a couple of times after the forced exercises, apparently calmed down a bit and now did not know what to do. His glance ran from Sergey to his smartphone, and sometimes he looked over his shoulder towards the entrance door to the toilet. Kohl simply looked at the commercial, completely unaware of what to do and just waiting for the command.

Sergey, realizing that they would not immediately strike, began to frantically reflect. What to do? Fight? In principle, it is possible, only what will be the consequences? Kill is not killed, but suddenly, out of anger, the police will call? Will be noticed for fourteen days, and then prove that you are not a camel. Ask for mercy? Mercy from what? From beating? Small trouble. Anyway, soon someone will come running to the noise, and the fight will end before it starts.
')
The decision came completely unexpectedly.

Sergey, as slowly as he could, without taking his eyes off his opponents, began to lift the smartphone and carried it to the ear.

- Did you hear everything? - He said slowly, looking at the focus on the commercial. - Well. I'm off.

Then he pointedly clicked on the screen and the lock button. Commercial squinted, trying to unravel the maneuver and understand the situation in which he found himself.

- Well, gentlemen? - Said Sergiy, slowly getting up from the toilet. - what are the ideas?

- To begin with - wash away govnishche. - has filtered a commercial. - And come out, let's talk.

- drag him? - imitating the tone of the gangsters of the dashing nineties, pointing at Sergey with a nod of his head, asked Kohl.

- It will always have time. - echoed him commercial. - Let him say what he wanted.

- Oh, the familiar scene. - Sergey smiled, already leaving the tattered booth. - Sasha Bely comes to the sand pit to propose to settle the matter with a fly in a patsanski manner.
The merchant and Kohl followed Sergei when he went to wash his hands. There was no special reason for this, by the standards of the village, but the legend had to be maintained.

- Who did you call? - cautiously asked commercial.

- To whom he called, he already knows everything. - Sergey carelessly answered, wiping his hands with a paper towel.

- What do you want? - continued commercial.

- I mean, what do I want now? - Sergey made a special emphasis on the word "now."

- Yes, now. - the face of the commercial was a little twisted. - Give the amount. I will translate and part. You go further than your cows to milk.

- About cows - it's low. - Sergey answered offended. - Shove your money in the ass. I want to help.

- Helped already. - filtered a commercial through clenched teeth. “Well, it’s necessary to make a mess of it in a couple of hours ...”

Sergey did not respond. His gaze clouded a little, as if he had withdrawn into himself. He began to pace from side to side, sometimes he stopped, shook his head and continued to walk. The salesman gave Sergey a weary look, Kolya looked uncomprehendingly at one or the other.

Suddenly, a man in a black uniform ran into the toilet - apparently a guard.

- What happened here? - Bravo asked he and immediately rushed to the broken booth.

“This is ...” Sergey began to explain. - I felt bad in the toilet, colleagues heard, came to the rescue, broke down the door.

The guard stared at him in surprise, so he turned his eyes to the commercial one, who nodded silently.

- And you, forgive who? - asked the guard Sergei.

- A new programmer has not had time to take shape. Only I go from the interview, and you see how everything turned out ... A hard flight, the pressure jumped, went into the booth and almost fainted. Excuse me.

- Yes, not at all ... - confused guard. - First call? Or, maybe, to our medic? Luda real therapist will help.

- Thank you, really, not worth it. I'm much better now. And the friends will look. If that - spend.

- Well, whatever you want. - the guard shrugged his shoulders and headed for the exit. - I will tell the farm manager ... That is, it’s like his ... Deputy Chief Engineer for Buildings and Structures.

- Yes thank you! - shouted after Sergey and continued to think.

“Why are you wandering from side to side like a jerk?” - evil said commercial. - You can not decide how much money to ask? Pollyama and fuck up. You will buy up all the sheep in the village, put them in a cart and roll the girls. They are with you then together in a bath go.

- Shh! - Sergey put his finger to his lips.

He was tired of walking, and, looking around and not finding a place to sit, went to the wall and settled on the courts, leaning his back on the column. From the side it was very similar to the famous eagle pose.

- In short, so. - Sergey began. - Conditions of the problem. There is a commercial that pays kickbacks to no one Gena. And not only him. Obviously, with the permission of the general. Or even by his direct instruction. I would venture to suggest that not only Gena. So, your products - shit. So?

- Let us suppose. - Carefully answered commercial.

- So it is. Judging by your turnovers, which I assume, we are talking about serious sums. Once you send them from your card, then you participate in the withdrawal scheme. In all likelihood, you issued IP. So?

Commercial was silent.

- Well, yes, this is not to say. PI, not PI, not important. Maybe you are listed as a director in some Horns and Hoofs LLC, which supplies virtual materials to your plant. No matter. The main thing is that everything is in the subject. And the money turns serious, and the risks you have - Mama Do not Cry. And the reason is one: your products - shit.

Sergei stared at the commercial, he reluctantly nodded.

- Farther. Such sizes of cash kickbacks, plus the cost of their withdrawal and cashing strongly hit profits. But you do not know what to do or how to live differently. Further good news - you work with retail. Judging by the layouts hung at the reception - with a very large retail. So he is not Russian. So?

- It is obvious. - responded commercial.

- Well, yes ... Since retail is not Russian, your corruption scheme sticks out somewhere in the bottoms, at the loss of Gena and his ilk. With proper quality and delivery time, kickbacks would not be required. So?

- In fact yes. - reluctantly commercialized. - I used to work at another factory, of a similar profile, we cleanly worked with retailers.

- Great, then the true cause of the problem is clear - low quality and crappy terms. So? Or more prices?

- Prices are normal. - shook his head commercial. “But in terms of the totality of the parameters, we lose.”

- Fine, that's better. - Sergey got up from the courts and started walking from side to side again.

- What are you doing at all? - asked commercial. - I told you, name the sum, what are you picking? Do you fill the price?

- Well, what are you stupid ... - Sergey answered with a smile. - Solve the problem with a lot of limitations and goals. I do not know what it is called in science. Well, you know, when it is necessary not only to increase or decrease the value of a function, but also to take into account the constraints of variables. One of the variables is you. The second one is standing next to you.

- What for?

- What the hell?

- what for you solve this problem?

- Because it is. - Sergey shrugged his shoulders. - And I have the opportunity to solve it. Not theoretically, but in practice. Are you sorry, gentlemen, in my hands? Well, in a way.

Commercial sighed heavily.

- So here. - Sergey continued, without waiting for the answer commercial. - We need to increase profits in terms of total corruption. At the same time - save commercial and Kohl.

- me? - at the same time asked the commercial and Kohl.

- To the first to answer? - Sergey smiled.

- To me. - both answered again.

- Okay, I'll start with you. - Sergey poked a finger in the commercial. - I think you're not a bad person. Mom helping, and not directly, but through the help of relatives. I know exactly how hard it is. It would be much easier for you to buy a new home for your mother than to drag this mediocre behind you.

- What do you care? - replied maliciously commercial.

- Consider that you have softened me. I also have a mother and strange relatives. But I avoid helping them, for I am weak. And you - is strong, and I will learn from you. Damn, I speak like the hero of Bruce Lee movies ...

- And I? - suddenly asked Kohl.

- And you, I think, is not so simple, Kolya. Who did you study for?

- To the quality manager. But I did not finish my studies because ...

- Seriously? - Sergey's face brightened. - At the quality manager?

“Well, yes ...” Kohl replied carefully. - Why?

- Did you study well? On the main disciplines.

- Are you talking about statistics? Yes.

- Formula reproducibility index?

“Ah ...” Kolya thought for a few seconds. - So, the more, the better ... So, the ratio of the spread of actual measurements to the tolerance field.

- Difference between reproducibility and fitness indices?

- So ... Suitability can be applied without proven process stability, and reproducibility is only ...

- How to confirm stability without having data on the fulfillment of seven criteria?

- So ... In general, this is not a proven theory ... It seems to be possible according to the normality of the distribution law.

- What criteria are suitable for verification?

- Well, there are many of them ... From what I remember - chi-square, Kolmogorov, Shapiro-Wilk.

- Kolya! - Sergei suddenly stepped to the bewildered guy and hugged him, under the surprised look of a commercial. - Now all hope is not you!

Sergei grabbed Kohl with his hands and he, slightly hesitant, also patted Sergei on the back.

- So. - Sergey continued, moving away from Kolya. - One issue is resolved - Kohl needs to be transferred to the service of quality management. Do you have one?

- Yes. - nodded commercial. - Just what is the point?

- The point is that your quality management service, like all others similar in our country, is an old, stinky dog ​​shit. They do not provide any quality products, because they simply check for compliance with the criteria established by your enterprise. Kolya, what is quality?

- Conformity to customer requirements.

- Kolya, I'm already nervous ...

- What? - Kolya muttered excitedly, then thought for a while and finally blurted out. - Oh, yes! The degree of compliance with the requirements of the consumer!

- Who is the consumer of your products?

- Well, the retailer in which Gena works.

- And for compliance with whose requirements checks the products of the QMS?

- Ours. The fact that technologists have installed.

- Is there any correlation between the requirements of technologists and the consumer?

- I do not know, to be honest ...

- Well, here and find out. You will be the eyes and ears of the real consumer in the QMS. I agree?

- Of course! - Kohl except that not tears of joy.

- Well, everything moved. - Sergey, without waiting for the reaction, briskly walked to the exit from the toilet.

- Where? - shouted after the commercial, and Kohl already stamped for Sergei.

- In the canteen, where else. There, the chief engineer is waiting for us. He is responsible for your production? So let's talk to him for the quality and timing.

Commercial reluctantly followed, muttering curses to himself. Sergey came out of the toilet and was a little confused - he forgot which way to go. Kohl, who had suddenly become extremely clever, slightly pushed Sergei into the shoulder and indicated with a nod of his head. Sergey obediently moved in the indicated direction, Kohl walked alongside, and the commercial plodded a little behind.

- Sergey, is it possible in more detail about the problem that you solved? - asked Kohl.

- Come on "you", ok?

- Yes of course.

- Did you like logical riddles in your childhood?

- Well, not to say that I loved straight, but I decided.

- Do you remember, for example, this - about the wolf, goat and cabbage?

- No ... - Nick thoughtfully scratched his head.

- It is simple. There is a peasant, he has a boat, a wolf, a goat and cabbage. It is necessary to transport all across the river. A farmer and a wolf, a goat or a cabbage enter the boat at the same time. A wolf with a goat alone cannot be left, for obvious reasons. Cabbage with a goat - too. So much for the riddle.

- right now to decide?

- No, at home, think at your leisure. Instead of drinking. - Sergei blithely smiled, and on the cheeks Kolya made a blush. - I just gave you an example. This, roughly speaking, is the real challenge. In life, in business, there are just such. They are not solved in the forehead, because there are a lot of restrictions. Well, and then people are divided into two types - those who understand the limitations and solves the problem with their account, and those who whine and say that the conditions are stupid, and the problem should not be solved.

- Like the task that we had here?

- Well yes. The easiest thing is to say - so, Kohl expel, commercial, too, kick under for, kickbacks to pay to stop, we will be clean and beautiful. What will happen?

- Well maybe…

- Ass will. Stretch for a couple of months, that's all. You will sell the equipment, reduce the costs first, then the staff, and, eventually, close.

- So, we now all life, these kickbacks to pay?

- Of course not. Just do not waving a sword. Well, leave everything as is, not worth it. Too great risks from all sides. It is necessary to get out of this situation, but slowly, wisely, gradually, piece by piece, removing what is not pleasant.

- In general, I think this is an obvious approach.

- The obvious is obvious, but not everyone uses it. Try, for a change, to ask all managers what needs to be done for the prosperity of a native enterprise. What will you hear?

- Well, I do not know, I did not ask. Well I was a simple sales manager.

- And I'll tell you. It will be nonsense. Ideas such as improving the quality of production, buying new machines, entering new markets, reducing or hiring personnel, releasing new types of products, introducing some method and the like.

- So normal ideas like ...

- Of course normal. - Sergey smiled. - But what's the point of being normal? It is the same as offering anyone to lead a healthy lifestyle. Of course, this will help, he will become healthy, vigorous, cheerful and will be able to realize all his life goals if ...

- If anything?

- If you can lead a healthy lifestyle. And he can not. And the counselor will say - well, well, I'm sorry, you're not ready, and I am a good fellow, because I proposed an excellent solution. Although the decision is no good - it does not take into account restrictions. For example, weak will power, lack of real motivation and poor environment.

- Well, and what is not so? Advice about a healthy lifestyle is really good.

- Good advice that helped. By itself, advice as a solution is worth nothing if it cannot be applied. And to apply does not give limitations to the real situation, which the adviser ignores.

- Got it. And in the work there are such examples?

- How many. For example, the last ten or fifteen years, everyone is crazy about introducing ERP systems. What for?

- I do not know ... To put things in order, production management, planning, and so on.

- That's exactly what "and so on." Even if the company just needs planning. Not even the shop floor, but the usual, simple, space-calendar. But instead of understanding this limitation, and proposing a normal solution - to refine the planning system - a kind of heavy software product is being introduced for tens of millions of rubles, which simply replaces the already working functionality and, if lucky, adds one cherry to the cake - the very planning. Which could be done in a week by some craftsman. It's like ... I do not know ... To burn one hundred hectares of forest with napalm in order to deal with one partisan.

- How to find it, partisan? In some cases, probably, the use of napalm is fully justified.

- In some yes, but not in my example. There is no forest there, the partisans are standing in the field and waving a flag. Everyone sees and hears him, because he yells with a foul language at every operational meeting. Sellers ask when the order will be ready. Production workers screaming at suppliers, when will the materials? Providers poke a finger at the financiers, when there will be money to pay off the creditors. Those nod to the sellers who have not brought the money. Sellers are closing the circle, shouting again at the manufacturers. And then there is some clever, and says - we need a modern ERP-system. Haranem napalm, solve all problems in one fell swoop. Although one accurate sniper shot is enough.

- Ok, I get it. - it was obvious that Kolya was tired of listening.

- Well, and you gave up. - Sergey smiled. - So every director, tired of hearing about problems, and for understandable reasons, who is unable to independently penetrate into operational activities to a sufficient depth, agrees to napalm. To everyone's joy, because the real problem of the next few years will not be solved - it will suffice to nod at the introduction of ERP and greedy integrators, who issue invoices, like an automaton.

- Yes, I did not give up! Said Kolya loudly. - You see ... It seems to me that everything is not so simple.

- Everything is easier than it seems. - Sergey smiled.

- So, here is the dining room. - said Nick delightedly. - And this ... Who did you call?

- No one. Only to your violent relative do not speak.