New chronology of Iyon Pacific

Stanislav Lem is a great writer. But, sloppy.

At least I thought so when I was a child. Because in his cycles there is no internal chronology. Pilot Pirks, who lived before the advent of interstellar flights, could easily, in one of the stories, find himself on Yota fraction 116, fraction 47 Proxima of Aquarius, and Iion Tikhy, traveling through the galaxy, was a friend of Professor Tarantoga living in post-war Poland.
')
I have been turning these facts for years trying to build a consistent story. It turned out somehow not very - especially if one considers that Stan himself Stanislav, constantly threw a coal at me - writing novels, which even more shattered the chronology.

Modern children easier. They have a multiverse. Batman can do absolutely anything with the Cat Woman: make friends, quarrel, be her - and this will not affect the credibility. Worlds are different, you know?

Cutting down further narration, I will immediately turn to conclusions. I managed to collect a consistent story.

I submit to your court my addition to the "Diary of Jon Quiet". Do not take seriously!

- Iyon S. Quiet, Alice, not a fictional character. This is a great-uncle of Stanislav Lem. At the end of the last century, he worked in a small bicycle repair shop, on the outskirts of Lviv and turned to him, asking him to fix a flying saucer a real alien.

As we now believe, this plate, that is, the alien spacecraft, belonged to the race Omni, but was stolen from them and hacked. Without this, no mechanic, not even the most talented, could not not just fix it, but even just open the engine compartment.

And the hacked plate was reflashed and deprived of copy protection. So, Iion, while repairing, was able to make copies of his nodes - Omni devices are equipped with a self-repair system and resemble starfish. Not externally, but with properties - if a starfish is cut and thrown into the sea, a new star will grow from each half of the star. So with Omni machines - if you cut their navigation computer and supply it with time, energy and metal, then you will have two computers.

Usually, by the way, this is not happening - Omni do not want an infinite source of spare parts for everyone and for free to be organized from their equipment. But, in our case - I repeat, this restriction has been removed.

Why, with such a magical technology of self-repair, was Ion needed at all?

Because of the self-repair accident and happened. The alien who stole or bought the stolen plate was not Omni and breathed with a mixture of carbon dioxide and hydrogen sulfide.

First, he reconfigured the life support system to his standards, and then she self-reproved and began to issue the usual Omni nitrogen with oxygen into the cabin. The pilot almost turned down, but managed to reach the nearest planet. Which was our Earth. Landing on Earth was prohibited by the Convention, so he did not advertise his arrival, but tried to rest the ship in private. Turning to Iyonu.

And Iyon repaired the ship. Made a hydrogen sulfide supply system, straightened the corpsed body during landing. And at the same time copied, all important alien devices. I do not know, however, with the permission of the owner, or not.

So, when the newcomer on the repaired plate continued his flight, Iyon began to build his spaceship. He had the money - he patented for dummy companies a few advanced technological innovations that were ahead of their time.

The ship was chimerical. In 1898, even an electric light bulb was a technological miracle, so the ship was a set of nodes, between which lay millennia of engineering development. Mu the quark reactor boiled water in the boiler of the steam engine, data from paper charts of the starry sky were loaded into the navigation computer, and the ship's latrine, with improperly turned on valves, could easily suck and throw the unlucky visitor into the vacuum.

At the same time the ship flew. Close and slow, according to our modern standards, but millions of times faster and better than spacecraft of the twentieth century.

And Iyon went into space. He traveled for years and decades, visiting many planets in search of miracles and wonders. He met hundreds of alien races, thousands of cultures and tens of thousands of worlds. He saw burning warships on the outskirts of Orion. I saw C-rays flickering in the darkness near the gates of Tannhäuser. He did not forget about the Earth, returning to it to relax and replenish supplies.

Decades passed between his arrivals, which Iyon did not notice due to the relativistic effect of time dilation. Relations with other relatives he was not so hot - Iyon did not share the profits from the patents, was aging, because of the shortening of the time to the offensive slowly, and in general, he wandered in the middle of nowhere. In general, cut off the chunk.
The funny thing is that both Iion himself and his closest ally on the Earth, Professor Tarantoga, the designer of the ship, didn’t make any mystery out of flights. They were simply not taken seriously, considering them to be either crazy city or cunning hoaxers.

This was facilitated by the fact that the ship, though assembled by friends personally, had too many Omni nodes into which the main directive was embedded. Since the ship was on a planet falling under convection, he could take off and land only if the aborigines did not see it.

Ion himself avoided this condition, taking off and landing on Earth in remote, deaf places, at night and with closed eyes. But how to explain this to skeptics? Hence the ears of his distrust of official scientific circles. Also, I can not fail to mention that on arriving, on Earth, Iyon relaxed and behaved as if at a resort. After a forced silence during space travel, he revel in socializing with people.

“As I understand it, he was not only drunk with intercourse,” said Alice, who understood well the omissions, recalling some of the confusion of the Diaries.

- Well, Iyon, of course, was not sober, and sometimes he allowed himself to skip a glass, the other ... the third. Well, as a shoemaker, in general, drank. But - only on Earth. Of course, the spiteful critics allow themselves insinuations, as if it was attached to its vice and for many years of space travel. This, of course, is nonsense - on his primitive ship, and sober it was deadly to fly. While drunk, Iyon could either fall asleep in the reactor, or by airing the ship for a few seconds longer to leave the vent open. And voila. But, but such are the people: they are more willing to believe any nonsense than the true facts.

But, I will continue: in the rare hours of rest on earth, Iyon loved to chat with his cousin Grandson, then Stanislav, then Stanislav Samuilovich Lem. And told him quite a lot of interesting things. What Lem later, becoming a writer, used in his books.

- That is all that is written by Lem, right? - Alice was surprised.

- Of course not. Pan Stanislav was too good a writer for that. A good writer facts only interfere. But he remembered many of the stories of his grandfather and reflected in his novels. For example, about the PLO, we learned it from the story of Lem, in which he retold one of his grandfather's journeys.

- And sepulki really exist?

- Of course. They are now bred on Earth. They are very similar to the image, and their colors resemble soft bees. Of course, their practical function is different, but I think you, an adult girl, I do not need to explain it.

Alice’s face clearly showed that how to explain was necessary. This part of the human relationship so far lay outside the field of its interests and was largely incomprehensible.

- And who are you so dull? - Lera's toad sighed eagerly, rolling her eyes. Sepulki, actually - pornovosch. In the sense of: a plant for masturbation. Do you know why nuns buy cucumbers?

Alice did not know, but she was silent, realizing that Lera would continue to broadcast in any case.

- This is such a fruit, sometimes constructively similar to the female genitalia. True, bright orange. But it's not about color. Density, elasticity ... or vice versa softness and roughness, make it an excellent replacement for women.

In the local culture, sepulkam is given a significant place. There are more than a dozen dishes prepared from slices. Meals, let's face it - frankly nasty. The bitters are bitter, and they smell like something that looks like. So, the more, in these dishes are placed sepulek, the dishes are nastier. Well, love, we are not for it. If ever love.

And in the national cuisine, they got only because local men had a decent reason to buy sepulki on the market. Fun fact: the pinnacle of local cuisine: a salad of slippers is so good because sepule, washed thoroughly, then cleaned and cut, consistently throwing off the skins, seeds, flesh and spine. Yes, yes, - Lera laughed, the salad from the slices contains no slices in any way.

Shocked, Alice froze with her mouth open. The riddle that occupied her in childhood was solved, but definitely somehow not the way she wanted.

“Welcome to the adult world of Alice,” said the little old woman, amused by her astonishment, and they with the toad Leroy looked at each other knowingly.

“Well, since you, adults, know everything,” Alisa said with a vicious smile, “can you tell me what the muskrat false teeth turned into?”

- And this is with it? - asked surprised Lera.

- And this is the second important question that interested Pasha and me when we were discussing books lounging on the roof of a house.

- There is no such thing in the book, so I don’t know for sure, but I guess ... - what exactly the Old Woman supposes remains unknown, since Torah Lera interrupted him.

“If you want to know what the muskrat's false teeth have become, ask your mom,” she blurted out, and with a challenge looked straight into Alice’s eyes, “be sure your mom knows this.”

Alice is also lost. Moving away from the fire by a couple of steps, she wiped the tears from her eyes, but immediately returned to the fire. She will not encourage Leroux, pouting to the side for each of her barbs - this will only increase the number of barbs.

- Where is he now? Asked calmly, Alice. Of course, she knew how to count, and understood that Iyon was born more than two hundred years ago, but ... but ...

- Traveling. Cosmos is great, Alice. The last thing we heard about him was a rumor that Iyon was about to explore the vicinity of the black hole. So Iyon can return to Earth any day, for the next billion years.