How to learn to determine when to say “no”

Do not try to be in time - decide for yourself what really deserves the effort and time.

We tend to be deceived by the myth of unlimited possibilities, so it’s hard for us to admit that we can’t do everything - it’s so ... limiting. In our naivety, we proudly declare that we have an infinite amount of time, a myriad of resources and unlimited possibilities. And the enlightened progress made in the era of modernism whispers that supply is infinite, demand is infinite - and we are also infinite.

The desire to avoid death seems to have created a culture that, in its myths, is based on the idea of ​​immortality.

But in order to live in the real world - and in accordance with the real state of things - it is necessary to honestly answer the question of death and have the humility to understand and accept the finiteness of our existence.
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You can not make it all. But then what to give your time? What to focus on?

We would like to feel like gods, but in order to achieve more, you need to accept reality: we are limited and cannot do everything - therefore, we need to decide what we are going to occupy with the only hands that we have. It is difficult to come to terms with the restrictions, but there are some approaches and methods that will help to figure out when a new proposal needs to be answered “yes”, and when “no” .

Transferred to Alconost

The principle of "two out of three"

In the business world, the principle “choose only two of the three options” provides criteria by which important decisions are made that determine the fate of a product or organization. You can not make it all. But then what to give your time? What to focus on?

This approach, if it is realistic to evaluate its own limitations, identifies three main elements that contribute to the success of a business:

• Quality.
  
• Speed.
  
• Price.
  

Trying to determine what to say “yes”, you decide at the same time what you should answer “no”.

You need to consider all three parameters, but you can choose only two. For example, if a restaurant wants to have high-quality and fast service, then it will cost more. The company wants cheap, but at the same time - high quality? Then it will take time. Want fast and cheap? Definitely have to sacrifice quality.

Trying to determine what to say “yes”, you decide at the same time what you should answer “no”. It is impossible to achieve a maximum in all three parameters. If you try to do everything, and with quality, and quickly, and cheaply, you end up by some of these criteria and fail.

Juggling myth

Our idea of ​​infinite possibilities — the fallacy that everything can be done at once — is often accepted without doubt, because such a concept exists in the world of abstractions. Let's translate it into the physical plane - let's talk about juggling.

The possibilities of the body are limited, it occupies a limited place in space and consists of a limited number of parts. For example, usually the juggler has only two hands (although I saw how they juggle with one hand and even just with their foot). When juggling you need to control many objects at the same time using a given number of limbs: you can throw a lot into the air, but you can only hold a certain amount of them in your hands (and in the focus of attention) at each moment.

Our life can be compared to juggling: we think that, having learned to manipulate a seemingly infinite number of objects, we cease to be limited in possibilities. In fact, at a particular moment you can focus only on a small number of objects. We strive to become “jugglers”, but we cannot admit that because of the limitations of the physical body, we manage to hold not too many things at the same time - despite the fact that there may be much more in the air.

If you try to juggle more and more objects, in the end, none of them will linger in our hands: objects, relationships, focus of attention and direction of work will appear before our eyes only for a short moment, immediately giving way to something else. Yes, you can control it all, but - in fact, never focusing on anything else.

Another good analogy is gardening. When growing a plant, it is reasonable to plant several seeds at once - this increases the chances that at least a couple will germinate.

But if in our physical world we try to grow several seedlings too close to each other, none of them will reach their potential: they will fight for space, nutrients, light and water. As a result, instead of one fully functional, healthy plant, you will have two, and both are stunted, underdeveloped, and undersized.

Trying to get everything, you get nothing.

Trying to act as if there are no limitations, you will not get what you need from the seeds.

The human tendency to try to be everything and do everything at once makes us deceive ourselves, and in the end we do not have time to finish anything.

To grow a healthy plant, you need to get rid of extra seedlings - you have to set priorities.

Standards for life priorities

To prioritize, it is useful to begin to understand what defines them for you - that is, you need to set a standard according to which you will choose.

Standardized ideals can change over time. For example, in our youth we can do what we regret when we grow up. In the hackneyed argument that we have a single life, which we can live only once, lies a wise thought from which to draw benefit. The question, in essence, is this: what do you want to die from?

I realized that if you voice your own "standard", something immediately becomes irrelevant. If you take cultural success and heroism in modern achievements as a standard, then that will determine what you will say “yes”. If the standard is health, love, and meaningful relationships, then a priori a certain set of priorities will already be put into it. If you do not set a standard for yourself, by default you will choose what is closer and simpler. And we usually do not follow our true desires - in order to fulfill a desire, you need to be aware of it .

Using the principle of “two options out of three,” the business world identified and named three convenient standards: speed, quality, and price. Companies make decisions on these standards, which then set priorities. That is, these standards define the essence of the business.

We as “quality”, “speed” and “price” may not be so important to individuals, you can still ask yourself: what do I want to die from? What standards should be preferred - given the limited possibilities and finite time?

This is an important question: it is he who will determine what you say “yes”, and what you will refuse.

When to say "yes"

With regard to human life, the principle of “two options out of three” is a matter of employment.

What is true for business, gardening and juggling is true for our activities and priorities. We are today as if on a treadmill of constant striving for productivity: we praise efficient workers and respectfully sympathize when we hear that someone with befitting modesty tells how he is busy. The fast, chaotic rhythm of work in our society is exalted - however, it is also absurd. Both in life and in business, if we try to do a lot at once, in the end, we don’t get anything normal.

Therefore, “I'm busy” - sometimes it's just “I have no priorities.”

Recognizing the limitations of one’s own abilities requires humility, strength and resilience.

The weak, naive and insincere one who wants to seem all-powerful, but can not really take up anything.

To be in 18 organizations, to work two jobs with an endless list of duties, to be also an avid lover of duck racing, to devote time to a local charitable organization, at the same time trying to read a book a week, always readily come to the aid of friends, and bring up children and working on marriage relationships sounds great, but in this form, none of this can be done at the proper level.

Yes, sometimes someone, for example, single parents, just have to take on more. But even in this case, it remains true that this person has many priorities, but time and energy are limited.

And then the question arises: “How can I do all this?” But to do everything and it will never work out completely. Therefore, the correct question is: “What exactly will I undertake, but what will have to be abandoned?”

If nothing quenches your thirst, you may feel that you are achieving a lot. You will enjoy a vivid movie about your own life - one that we advocate as a success. But in fact, you’ll rather not actually achieve anything.

I have not met a man who has achieved everything he can, proud of it and thinks that it was worth it.

Perhaps you can say that choosing “to get everything”, you choose never to live. I also wonder: would any of us want to become such a cultural hero who doesn’t invest in anything in particular, but behaves as if he had rejected death itself?

Perhaps such a seemingly heroic decision to take on everything at once, in fact, is a cheap and simple option. I do not know a person who would be incredibly successful - by the irresponsible standards of our culture - and at the same time would be satisfied with my life. I have not met a man who has achieved everything he can, proud of it and thinks that it was worth it.

At the same time, I repeatedly saw someone heroically trying to grow two seedlings together, and then lamented that there was no chance to try the fruit. I met those who knew a lot under this sun and came to the conclusion that all this was a meaningless brilliance, eclipsed the meaning of their life. More than once before my eyes, people were burnt out, the devastated people left, and their only desire was to return everything back.

But there was a person in my life who seemed slightly rustic and provincial, and he was pleased: being able to choose and focus on the chosen goals, he grew one plant at a time and enjoyed his fruits - he understood and accepted the finiteness of our existence, which means and life itself.

When we try to be in many places at the same time, we find ourselves nowhere. When we try to hold everything in our hands, we remain empty-handed. When we try to do everything, despite the seductive whisper of social norms and cultural ideals, we are not able to do anything for real - we are eventually simply buried with these tight schedules, lists of achievements and vain attempts to pretend to be immortal.

So what to do?

We will act according to the example of a business that is guided by the principle “two options out of three”.

What can you do well and what can you devote your time to? In what business can you succeed by focusing on it? What are you willing to sacrifice in order not to be overwhelmed and still succeed in the chosen priorities?

This does not mean that you need to give up hobbies that help to relax, from pleasure, development and gaining experience. This does not mean that you cannot determine the most important goal of your life to take care of your loved ones and their health. But it is extremely important to name the chosen priorities, to live in harmony with them - and be ready to give up what may contradict them.

If time, energy and resources are limited, what can you invest in? What can fully surrender? If you could succeed in only three areas reflecting the standard with which you hope to go to your grave, what would it be?

Say this "yes."

And realize that for everything else, it means no.

Or, as Derek Sivers said: “If you don’t want to say“ damn it, yes! ”- that means no.”

About the translator

The article is translated in Alconost.

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