Loneliness born. Development through flight. Hard way to self
A small article about loneliness that accompanies a person from birth and throughout his life. On the "benefits" and "harm" of loneliness, on its social and evolutionary sense. About psychological health - how to lose it and how to find it in the context of loneliness. About losing yourself and finding yourself in this world. I warn you that the publication is rather abstract - perhaps fans of specifics, advice and recommendations will not like it. Nevertheless, I would appreciate feedback and comments.
Birth of a child. It may be a joyful moment for parents, but what is it for a child? A child who was deprived of unconditional heat, nutrition and lightness? A child who will now be forced to get food by exerting effort and wasting his energy? A child who now has to struggle with the force of force every day, even to just breathe and spend his strength on it? A child who will starve and freeze and perish irreversibly if there is no one next to who takes care of him? A child who, before that, every second felt around himself the inseparable presence of another, through the sound of his heart, his warmth, his energy?
And now the newborn has lost all this, he is expelled from paradise, he is naked, he suffers, he no longer feels the full presence of a caring God. For the first time in his life, a child is confronted with cold, heaviness and loneliness ... A completely natural reluctance to accept such changes fill him with pain, his soul is flooded with fear, anxiety and despair. Will he take his birth? Will he take his exile from paradise? Will he take his individuality and his loneliness?
Pretty quickly (in scale of life), the child learns to cope with the cold and heaviness. But how to cope with loneliness, because the life of a child is entirely dependent on external care and support for many years. Loss of support and care from a loved one is tantamount to death. Therefore, loneliness is much worse than death, because for a small child, loneliness is an inevitable approach of death, which fills every second of his life with the expectation of death. And waiting for death is worse than death itself. And the child can not do anything about it. He can not be close to himself, who will take care of himself. All he can do with loneliness is to try to avoid him. Run away from him, putting all his strength and all his energy into this flight.
')
And the little kid is running. He runs to his parents (his closest social environment), who provide him with this pleasant experience of care, love, affection and support. The child again has hope that he is not alone in this world - after all, there is someone next to whom he is not indifferent, who understands his desires without words and satisfies them. Paradise is almost back, but ... But then he more and more often begins to notice that his desires are less and less satisfied, that parents may have other desires contrary to his own desires, and they increasingly prefer to satisfy their desires, leaving the child unsatisfied with everything more often. The child again faces the experience of separation, he also loses that small part of the confluence with the parent, which he had recently gained in the throes of despair. And here again he feels himself "thrown out", deceived in his expectations, betrayed in his hopes by polytheistic gods ... again ...
What should he do now? Where should he run now? Loneliness is unbearable and the child runs. Runs in the direction of a larger circle of society - grandparents, uncles and aunts, other relatives, friends and girlfriends in the yard, classmates at school - everywhere the child is looking for communication, and in communication - the similarity of desires, world views and the same values sensations. He is looking for everything that gives him an understanding and a feeling that he is not alone, that there is a number of “soul mate”, so dear to his heart and desired. And whenever he finds a bit of a native in another person, he sincerely rejoices and becomes inspired. He spends the time of his life, gathering himself in droplets in the reflections of other people.
The end of adolescence begins with the understanding that the flow of these droplets is becoming less and less every day. And here it is almost dried up. And again on the threshold appears almost forgotten loneliness. In a desperate attempt to avoid loneliness, a person rushes even further, towards even more distant people, into society, into relationships, concerns and problems. But the more effort a person puts into striving for this “carrot”, which grants relief from loneliness, the further he will run away from himself. Yes, and society helps this aspiration, pouring the oil of “consumer welfare” into the fire of a man’s dreams of happiness, which he will not achieve on this path.
On the other hand, this “flight from oneself” additionally motivates the non-acceptance of oneself entirely or of some of its parts, which, with a “whip,” encourage a person to flee from himself. A person can spend years and decades of his life on this “from himself to the people” movement, and the desired “lack of loneliness” has not been achieved. And even beyond that - not wanting to admit the futility of the time and effort spent, a person deprives himself of the opportunity to “leave a dead horse / old suitcase without a handle” and reconsider his goals, understand his real (and not declared) desires and overestimate the methods of achieving them.
It is even harder for the few who were able to turn their dreams of social success and popularity into reality as a way to avoid loneliness. For such people, who seem to have found what they dreamed of, the difference between waiting (getting rid of loneliness, finding the desired acceptance) and reality (where loneliness is still present right in the middle of the crowd of admirers, but not accepting and does not smell) reaches its highest peak. This creates a very high "internal voltage" (due to the large difference in potentials between the desired and the actual). And such high voltage rather sharply makes life unbearable, they “burn out” at the peak of their success, making a “sharp peak” into oblivion, of varying degrees of severity (up to oblivion through death). Examples of such, among the once popular and "cult" personalities, can be found in abundance.
For people who do not achieve the desired (ie, for the majority), such a dramatic change does not occur, and they continue to exist at a relatively moderate level of internal tension, with which relatively moderate doses of oblivion can cope. For example, some degree of getting rid of the experience of loneliness can be achieved through alcohol, gambling, immersion with “dissolution” in work or in a family, etc. But there is another option, how to reduce the aforementioned “tensions”: you can slowly poison your habitat to balance the internal state with the external. This can be done through passive auto-aggression, such as "sluggish chronic depression" or through active aggression - eternal disputes, conflicts, showdowns and everything else that leads to chronic "nerves on a platoon."
There is another category of people who shun their loneliness through flight to God, the unity with which they have lost. First, passing through the stage of polytheistic gods, which are sufficiently separated from man and independent in their symbolism (the symbols of such a faith are similar to the values ​​of the representatives of the family of the child - the corresponding stage of his development, when he identifies himself with the family). Next stage of the monotheistic god, as a reflection of the previous stage of the merger with mom. And this “journey to God” completes the stage of pantheism, where God is everywhere around and everywhere, corresponding to the prenatal stage of the child’s development.
Will they find god? Probably yes. Will they run away from loneliness? Yes. But only until they have exhausted the resource of their faith, having gone through all these stages of acquiring the “gods” in reverse order. And when their faith diminishes, they will again feel inevitable, cold, silent and lifeless loneliness in their doorstep, relentlessly ringing at the door. And the horror of the realization that loneliness did not go anywhere and continued to call all the time while they, with their hands over their ears, ran around looking for someone to merge into one.
So people live ... for years and live for decades, and moreover - they do not really want to change anything. On the other hand, they do not see an opportunity to change anything in their life and can experience their state as hopeless.
And what should a person do in such a stalemate, when he no longer has the strength to resist the rolling melancholy and depression? Feeling sad when he was not alone? Longing for understanding and unconditional acceptance? Moreover, on the approaches to his consciousness the idea of ​​the failure of all his efforts is looming? For what the person fought, all this time, for that and ran into it - in an effort to avoid loneliness, he elevated his loneliness to an absolute, feeling very lonely even at extremely close distance with his surroundings. And in addition to this, he spent almost all the resources of his forces, hopes and faith, and still remained at the “trough” of his vain expectations.
But the only one who could give a person this feeling and sensation that he so desires is himself. But he escaped from himself is not perfect and not loved by himself.
So people roam in the jungle of society, hoping to see the reflections of a long-lost self in the next comer, but even in the daytime and with fire they do not find Man. And they will not find. Because they are not looking there.
Although some people, among whom, oddly enough, many psychologists and some of their clients, have found themselves or are right now moving towards themselves, making their way through the wilds of their fears and anxieties, the thorns of insults and disappointments, overcoming the desolating deserts of shame swamps of guilt. This road to self is not easy and in this way no one has hung up encouraging advertising, as “consumerism” did in the opposite direction. Stop running from loneliness - this prospect is both scary and disturbing at the same time. Although you can use one "feint ears", which will help on this difficult path. I left a few hints on this trick higher in the text - an intelligent and insightful reader will surely find them.
And I want to finish with the words of a classic - “the right way, comrades!”. That's all I wanted: to pay attention to what makes people move and develop, and that even loneliness has “a different (positive) end to the stick.” Well, for who goes where and where will come. And also a word to support those who chose this difficult path to themselves :)
Birth of a child. It may be a joyful moment for parents, but what is it for a child? A child who was deprived of unconditional heat, nutrition and lightness? A child who will now be forced to get food by exerting effort and wasting his energy? A child who now has to struggle with the force of force every day, even to just breathe and spend his strength on it? A child who will starve and freeze and perish irreversibly if there is no one next to who takes care of him? A child who, before that, every second felt around himself the inseparable presence of another, through the sound of his heart, his warmth, his energy?
And now the newborn has lost all this, he is expelled from paradise, he is naked, he suffers, he no longer feels the full presence of a caring God. For the first time in his life, a child is confronted with cold, heaviness and loneliness ... A completely natural reluctance to accept such changes fill him with pain, his soul is flooded with fear, anxiety and despair. Will he take his birth? Will he take his exile from paradise? Will he take his individuality and his loneliness?
Pretty quickly (in scale of life), the child learns to cope with the cold and heaviness. But how to cope with loneliness, because the life of a child is entirely dependent on external care and support for many years. Loss of support and care from a loved one is tantamount to death. Therefore, loneliness is much worse than death, because for a small child, loneliness is an inevitable approach of death, which fills every second of his life with the expectation of death. And waiting for death is worse than death itself. And the child can not do anything about it. He can not be close to himself, who will take care of himself. All he can do with loneliness is to try to avoid him. Run away from him, putting all his strength and all his energy into this flight.
')
And the little kid is running. He runs to his parents (his closest social environment), who provide him with this pleasant experience of care, love, affection and support. The child again has hope that he is not alone in this world - after all, there is someone next to whom he is not indifferent, who understands his desires without words and satisfies them. Paradise is almost back, but ... But then he more and more often begins to notice that his desires are less and less satisfied, that parents may have other desires contrary to his own desires, and they increasingly prefer to satisfy their desires, leaving the child unsatisfied with everything more often. The child again faces the experience of separation, he also loses that small part of the confluence with the parent, which he had recently gained in the throes of despair. And here again he feels himself "thrown out", deceived in his expectations, betrayed in his hopes by polytheistic gods ... again ...
What should he do now? Where should he run now? Loneliness is unbearable and the child runs. Runs in the direction of a larger circle of society - grandparents, uncles and aunts, other relatives, friends and girlfriends in the yard, classmates at school - everywhere the child is looking for communication, and in communication - the similarity of desires, world views and the same values sensations. He is looking for everything that gives him an understanding and a feeling that he is not alone, that there is a number of “soul mate”, so dear to his heart and desired. And whenever he finds a bit of a native in another person, he sincerely rejoices and becomes inspired. He spends the time of his life, gathering himself in droplets in the reflections of other people.
The end of adolescence begins with the understanding that the flow of these droplets is becoming less and less every day. And here it is almost dried up. And again on the threshold appears almost forgotten loneliness. In a desperate attempt to avoid loneliness, a person rushes even further, towards even more distant people, into society, into relationships, concerns and problems. But the more effort a person puts into striving for this “carrot”, which grants relief from loneliness, the further he will run away from himself. Yes, and society helps this aspiration, pouring the oil of “consumer welfare” into the fire of a man’s dreams of happiness, which he will not achieve on this path.
On the other hand, this “flight from oneself” additionally motivates the non-acceptance of oneself entirely or of some of its parts, which, with a “whip,” encourage a person to flee from himself. A person can spend years and decades of his life on this “from himself to the people” movement, and the desired “lack of loneliness” has not been achieved. And even beyond that - not wanting to admit the futility of the time and effort spent, a person deprives himself of the opportunity to “leave a dead horse / old suitcase without a handle” and reconsider his goals, understand his real (and not declared) desires and overestimate the methods of achieving them.
It is even harder for the few who were able to turn their dreams of social success and popularity into reality as a way to avoid loneliness. For such people, who seem to have found what they dreamed of, the difference between waiting (getting rid of loneliness, finding the desired acceptance) and reality (where loneliness is still present right in the middle of the crowd of admirers, but not accepting and does not smell) reaches its highest peak. This creates a very high "internal voltage" (due to the large difference in potentials between the desired and the actual). And such high voltage rather sharply makes life unbearable, they “burn out” at the peak of their success, making a “sharp peak” into oblivion, of varying degrees of severity (up to oblivion through death). Examples of such, among the once popular and "cult" personalities, can be found in abundance.
For people who do not achieve the desired (ie, for the majority), such a dramatic change does not occur, and they continue to exist at a relatively moderate level of internal tension, with which relatively moderate doses of oblivion can cope. For example, some degree of getting rid of the experience of loneliness can be achieved through alcohol, gambling, immersion with “dissolution” in work or in a family, etc. But there is another option, how to reduce the aforementioned “tensions”: you can slowly poison your habitat to balance the internal state with the external. This can be done through passive auto-aggression, such as "sluggish chronic depression" or through active aggression - eternal disputes, conflicts, showdowns and everything else that leads to chronic "nerves on a platoon."
There is another category of people who shun their loneliness through flight to God, the unity with which they have lost. First, passing through the stage of polytheistic gods, which are sufficiently separated from man and independent in their symbolism (the symbols of such a faith are similar to the values ​​of the representatives of the family of the child - the corresponding stage of his development, when he identifies himself with the family). Next stage of the monotheistic god, as a reflection of the previous stage of the merger with mom. And this “journey to God” completes the stage of pantheism, where God is everywhere around and everywhere, corresponding to the prenatal stage of the child’s development.
Will they find god? Probably yes. Will they run away from loneliness? Yes. But only until they have exhausted the resource of their faith, having gone through all these stages of acquiring the “gods” in reverse order. And when their faith diminishes, they will again feel inevitable, cold, silent and lifeless loneliness in their doorstep, relentlessly ringing at the door. And the horror of the realization that loneliness did not go anywhere and continued to call all the time while they, with their hands over their ears, ran around looking for someone to merge into one.
So people live ... for years and live for decades, and moreover - they do not really want to change anything. On the other hand, they do not see an opportunity to change anything in their life and can experience their state as hopeless.
And what should a person do in such a stalemate, when he no longer has the strength to resist the rolling melancholy and depression? Feeling sad when he was not alone? Longing for understanding and unconditional acceptance? Moreover, on the approaches to his consciousness the idea of ​​the failure of all his efforts is looming? For what the person fought, all this time, for that and ran into it - in an effort to avoid loneliness, he elevated his loneliness to an absolute, feeling very lonely even at extremely close distance with his surroundings. And in addition to this, he spent almost all the resources of his forces, hopes and faith, and still remained at the “trough” of his vain expectations.
But the only one who could give a person this feeling and sensation that he so desires is himself. But he escaped from himself is not perfect and not loved by himself.
So people roam in the jungle of society, hoping to see the reflections of a long-lost self in the next comer, but even in the daytime and with fire they do not find Man. And they will not find. Because they are not looking there.
Although some people, among whom, oddly enough, many psychologists and some of their clients, have found themselves or are right now moving towards themselves, making their way through the wilds of their fears and anxieties, the thorns of insults and disappointments, overcoming the desolating deserts of shame swamps of guilt. This road to self is not easy and in this way no one has hung up encouraging advertising, as “consumerism” did in the opposite direction. Stop running from loneliness - this prospect is both scary and disturbing at the same time. Although you can use one "feint ears", which will help on this difficult path. I left a few hints on this trick higher in the text - an intelligent and insightful reader will surely find them.
And I want to finish with the words of a classic - “the right way, comrades!”. That's all I wanted: to pay attention to what makes people move and develop, and that even loneliness has “a different (positive) end to the stick.” Well, for who goes where and where will come. And also a word to support those who chose this difficult path to themselves :)
Source: https://habr.com/ru/post/411017/
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