Schizophrenia: a view from the inside
I am writing here for the first time, and I rarely write in Russian, so if something goes wrong, I ask for understanding.
The topic indicated in the title seemed to me from the comments on this article is of some interest, and I decided to share my little experience in the hope that it will help someone to overcome life difficulties.
I will not go into the details of the biography too deep. I say that recently I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. This was done by a professional at the clinic, but for the first time I myself suspected this diagnosis. Firstly, there was at least one case in the family, and secondly, everything that I read online, it was precisely this thought. Initially, I thought it was a strong neurosis, obsessive-compulsive disorder. After I understood what I was dealing with, everything fell into place. And it became really easier.
I will be very brief. Schizophrenia: a mental disorder or a group of disorders caused by the disintegration of the thinking process, paranoia, hallucinations. Science is not yet known reliably what causes this disease. It is known that genetics plays a role, and third-party factors can supplement it. Identified some areas of the brain and chemical processes that may be involved in the disease. For example, it is considered in the area of the basal nuclei error recognition occurs. As a result of the incorrect work of this region of the brain, a very harmless situation may seem to be erroneous. For example, you can say something, after which the choice of words will seem wrong. You start to think about it, which can give a loophole for other obsessive or unpleasant thoughts. The neurotransmitter dopamine, which is part of the brain reward system, is also likely to be associated with the disorder. The positive symptoms of schizophrenia (those that add something to the perception, such as voices or hallucinations) can be caused by an excess of this substance or an excessive reaction to it in certain regions of the brain. In general, there are theories, but at the moment there is no scientific consensus about what causes schizophrenia, and therefore there is no universal method of treatment.
')
Most likely the early manifestations were still at an early age. I remember small rituals, repetitions of some actions (for example, stepping gaps in asphalt slabs, first with the left, then with the right foot). Some obsession and anxiety in the failure of these actions. Excessive perfectionism in some issues. With age, a little effort of will solved all these problems quite effectively. I never attached much importance to this, although the family occasionally noticed these small oddities.
Real problems began suddenly, at the age of about twenty to five years. Basically, it was precisely the overly reinforced sense of error in a given situation. It could provoke almost anything. At first they were mostly words. Either having heard the word that is wrong in my understanding, or being in some situation where consciousness signaled an error, I repeated the words beginning with the same letter, at the same time trying to deliberately throw the unpleasant situation out of my head. It became easier, although there was no logical sense. There were fragments of voice in the head (it seems that your own) speaking some unpleasant things. The feeling that this is your own thoughts, why there is a feeling of guilt. Small rituals like focus with words gave a flash of some kind of joyful feeling, enlightenment: I assume that dopamine played a role here, which stands out due to the alleged correction of an erroneous situation. But after some time, everything was repeated. Depression due to the above, irritability. At some point it became difficult for me to look at people in general, the physiological reactions of an unpleasant character to voices or faces made it difficult to concentrate.
It became difficult to find words, to concentrate. A new ritual appeared: it was necessary to walk in the head in reverse through a chain of wrong events, as if throwing them out, after which it became easier (a flash of joy). But if something interferes or interrupts at this moment, you have to start over again, following the already extended chain of events. The sensations of enlightenment became habitual, after them I often decided for myself that everything, from this moment I would get rid of all my problems, there was a feeling of emotional elevation and triumph. Nevertheless, at some point, everything was repeated. Sometimes the sensations of enlightenment were extremely short, and it was enough to happen the smallest trifle (dropped a screwdriver, a bone crunched) as the feeling of error again came. In the most difficult cases, I either walked around the room, or lay in bed for hours trying to end my ritual with a journey through an ever-growing chain of events. The family began to notice the problem, although they could hardly see its full depth. As a result, it ended with a call from a social worker during one of my walks, after which I had to state the essence of the problem: then it seemed like a neurosis.
At first there was a terrible depression due to the interrupted ritual, after that there was a certain sense of calm. We went to the clinic for a prescription sleeping pills, trying to explain the reason for the need. They didn’t advise anything and didn’t write anything out (it happened in the USA), although this is logical since the situation is incomprehensible. A visit to the hospital also did not give tangible results. By that time, it had become worse again, sensitivity to sounds and images had appeared. Interfered with noise and passing cars. If you look at the car incorrectly, you get the feeling that something is wrong, and the need to look again, looking away in the right way, after which the above enlightenment came. At the same time there was a fear that the car would leave before I could finish the ritual. I was running after the coiled cars to finish it. To the surprise of the staff, I sat in the hospital holding my hands over my ears, sometimes with an effort of my will to break away from unpleasant thoughts in order to talk with the hospital staff. It was so bad that he really hoped for the help of a psychologist right there, but it turned out that they do not have it, there is only some analogue of a social worker who could not advise anything. They gave me a pill (as I understood it was a sedative), and the visit ended there.
The positive moment was that they gave a referral to a psychotherapist, after which I ended up with a university specialist, who at that time was studying for a Master. It did not get much easier, and the visits were given with difficulty. Still disturbed by the sounds, at some point I began to wear headphones with active noise cancellation, which helped a little. Nevertheless, during some visits I could not even look at the psychotherapist, I spoke with my eyes closed and had long breaks. At first, I was prescribed fluoxetine, a common remedy for depression. It seemed to be a little easier, but not for long. I tried to abandon rituals altogether. At the same time, at some point I was shaking: I thought it was a reaction to the absence of the usual dopamine brain, although this is only my theory. They prescribed a seroquel (5 mg), a psychotropic apparatus that is taken in large doses for schizophrenia. Perhaps she suspected that I could be exactly that, although I did not speak directly. It was very bad, so any medication was helpful. Seroquel gave several effects. At the physiological level, dry mouth was felt, fingers were swollen. Everything became duller, the sounds were gone. The desire to do something has disappeared. It seemed that I did not want anything. In the evening, the effect of the seroquil weakened. An unpleasant feeling, but those few days when I took him seemed to be allowed to calm down. As a result, it became a little easier for me, and I decided to refuse the medication, since the lack of will, on the contrary, began to prevent me from struggling with my conditions. After that, a rather long-lasting improvement followed, and for a while I forgot about drugs other than fluoxetine. After a few months, it got worse again: I walked around the room for more than 20 hours, without eating and drinking, struggling with my problems. This is an unpleasant voice and unpleasant thoughts, unpleasant images, the need to endlessly remember what you just thought. Unfortunately, I cannot describe everything in more detail, but considering the individuality of each case, I think this is not necessary.
He made the diagnosis himself first, after reading on the Internet about the symptoms of schizophrenia. Very similar signs, voice, twitching facial muscles, etc. Since at that time I did not study at the university, I went to a private psychotherapist. Not very much, there was no understanding. He never told me whether he directly agrees with my diagnosis or not. Nevertheless, he prescribed the medicine to me: it was aripropazole, a more or less new drug that inhibits some dopamine receptors and stimulates others, in theory, thereby establishing a balance in the body. Honestly, I didn’t feel any effects at all except for possible excessive drowsiness, although the dose from the beginning was very small (1 mg). Over time, the dose was increased, eventually 10 mg, and after a while (several weeks), in principle, it became better. But she didn’t let go until the end, in connection with which the decision was made to visit a clinic specializing in the treatment of nervous disorders, and due to a number of circumstances, the choice fell on Switzerland, since in the United States such institutions with a really good reputation were not found.
In Switzerland, the psychotherapist listened carefully, asked many questions, asked to write a short history of life. Conducted all sorts of tests, from ECG and MRI to attention tests. The diagnosis was not a surprise: schizophrenia. The main factor was the voice, as in local medicine it was believed that this is a symptom of schizophrenia and not just obsessive-compulsive disorder. The treatment approach was complex. First, they increased the dose of aripropazole to a maximum of 30 mg for several weeks (again without a tangible effect), and secondly, there were different types of therapy, from playing sports to drawing. I will not say that the latter helped me with something, but because of natural modesty and the absence of excessive hostility to this occupation, I did not refuse it.
In principle, they tried very hard to help me. But I must point out that, basically, help was reduced to medications and the establishment of a regime. That is, I did not learn anything strongly new even from these professionals, unfortunately. I did not receive advice on how to get rid of my voice or walking on a psychological level. That is, there is hardly any magic tool that can cure at once, and no one else can get into your head to help. We must be patient and understand that a lot depends on you.
It's much easier now. I take 15 mg aripropazole and 20 mg fluoxetine. Not yet fully restored the ability to concentrate on work, but progress is. I am engaged in electronics and robotics, which requires a certain mental stress, that is, the intellectual potential remains. Special thanks to the family, who responded with great understanding and gave me the opportunity to systematically solve my problem.
First of all, do not despair. Never. The main thing is to understand what the problem is, after which its decision becomes more obvious. For me, the turning point was when I made a diagnosis. After that, it became much easier for me to fight on an emotional level. First you need to understand that there is no fault even more. Depression and depression are also created artificially, at the level of the chemical processes of the brain. Try to think positively, even if it seems that there is no hope. She is.
Voices, unpleasant thoughts and images are best ignored. Refer to the logic. If thoughts, words and images are unpleasant to you, it means that they contradict your moral values. It's good. So no need to feel guilty.
If you have a ritual that helps you, try to optimize it so that it takes less time and gives you the opportunity to relax. After 20-40 hours of walking without food, drink and sleep, I was completely exhausted. Surely begin irreversible chemical processes of the brain, which is bad. There was a strong pressure in the head, even the voice seemed exhausted and subsided at some point, unpleasant thoughts and images climbs less intrusively. Try to understand first of all that nothing terrible will happen to you, and take a break if you suddenly find yourself in a similar situation. Be sure to drink water, you can try to sleep. Make small changes in the ritual. For example, at some point I changed the ritual: instead of going through the whole chain of incorrect events each time, I actually make checkpoints: I stop at some event and even from the point of interruption I start from the same place. So I started spending much less time on the ritual. If you feel a sense of fear and anxiety when you change the ritual, just try to ignore it. Nothing bad will happen, remember this.
Do not refuse help. In such a difficult situation, any support plays a big role. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and this is not a manifestation of weakness. It is necessary to use all the resources for the speedy recovery of health, this is important. And be sure to remember: it will be better. Maybe not today and not tomorrow, but if you do not give up and try to maintain vigor, a bright streak will surely come. I remember how bad it was sometimes, and I understand how good it is that I did not despair. If I managed to overcome the disease, then it is up to you.
Today, I go a maximum of an hour a day, and it even seems to me that I found in myself the strength of will to completely abandon this ritual. I sincerely hope that my story can help someone in a difficult situation. Good day.
The topic indicated in the title seemed to me from the comments on this article is of some interest, and I decided to share my little experience in the hope that it will help someone to overcome life difficulties.
Who am I
I will not go into the details of the biography too deep. I say that recently I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. This was done by a professional at the clinic, but for the first time I myself suspected this diagnosis. Firstly, there was at least one case in the family, and secondly, everything that I read online, it was precisely this thought. Initially, I thought it was a strong neurosis, obsessive-compulsive disorder. After I understood what I was dealing with, everything fell into place. And it became really easier.
What Is Schizophrenia?
I will be very brief. Schizophrenia: a mental disorder or a group of disorders caused by the disintegration of the thinking process, paranoia, hallucinations. Science is not yet known reliably what causes this disease. It is known that genetics plays a role, and third-party factors can supplement it. Identified some areas of the brain and chemical processes that may be involved in the disease. For example, it is considered in the area of the basal nuclei error recognition occurs. As a result of the incorrect work of this region of the brain, a very harmless situation may seem to be erroneous. For example, you can say something, after which the choice of words will seem wrong. You start to think about it, which can give a loophole for other obsessive or unpleasant thoughts. The neurotransmitter dopamine, which is part of the brain reward system, is also likely to be associated with the disorder. The positive symptoms of schizophrenia (those that add something to the perception, such as voices or hallucinations) can be caused by an excess of this substance or an excessive reaction to it in certain regions of the brain. In general, there are theories, but at the moment there is no scientific consensus about what causes schizophrenia, and therefore there is no universal method of treatment.
')
Personal Experience: Getting Started
Most likely the early manifestations were still at an early age. I remember small rituals, repetitions of some actions (for example, stepping gaps in asphalt slabs, first with the left, then with the right foot). Some obsession and anxiety in the failure of these actions. Excessive perfectionism in some issues. With age, a little effort of will solved all these problems quite effectively. I never attached much importance to this, although the family occasionally noticed these small oddities.
Real problems began suddenly, at the age of about twenty to five years. Basically, it was precisely the overly reinforced sense of error in a given situation. It could provoke almost anything. At first they were mostly words. Either having heard the word that is wrong in my understanding, or being in some situation where consciousness signaled an error, I repeated the words beginning with the same letter, at the same time trying to deliberately throw the unpleasant situation out of my head. It became easier, although there was no logical sense. There were fragments of voice in the head (it seems that your own) speaking some unpleasant things. The feeling that this is your own thoughts, why there is a feeling of guilt. Small rituals like focus with words gave a flash of some kind of joyful feeling, enlightenment: I assume that dopamine played a role here, which stands out due to the alleged correction of an erroneous situation. But after some time, everything was repeated. Depression due to the above, irritability. At some point it became difficult for me to look at people in general, the physiological reactions of an unpleasant character to voices or faces made it difficult to concentrate.
It became difficult to find words, to concentrate. A new ritual appeared: it was necessary to walk in the head in reverse through a chain of wrong events, as if throwing them out, after which it became easier (a flash of joy). But if something interferes or interrupts at this moment, you have to start over again, following the already extended chain of events. The sensations of enlightenment became habitual, after them I often decided for myself that everything, from this moment I would get rid of all my problems, there was a feeling of emotional elevation and triumph. Nevertheless, at some point, everything was repeated. Sometimes the sensations of enlightenment were extremely short, and it was enough to happen the smallest trifle (dropped a screwdriver, a bone crunched) as the feeling of error again came. In the most difficult cases, I either walked around the room, or lay in bed for hours trying to end my ritual with a journey through an ever-growing chain of events. The family began to notice the problem, although they could hardly see its full depth. As a result, it ended with a call from a social worker during one of my walks, after which I had to state the essence of the problem: then it seemed like a neurosis.
At first there was a terrible depression due to the interrupted ritual, after that there was a certain sense of calm. We went to the clinic for a prescription sleeping pills, trying to explain the reason for the need. They didn’t advise anything and didn’t write anything out (it happened in the USA), although this is logical since the situation is incomprehensible. A visit to the hospital also did not give tangible results. By that time, it had become worse again, sensitivity to sounds and images had appeared. Interfered with noise and passing cars. If you look at the car incorrectly, you get the feeling that something is wrong, and the need to look again, looking away in the right way, after which the above enlightenment came. At the same time there was a fear that the car would leave before I could finish the ritual. I was running after the coiled cars to finish it. To the surprise of the staff, I sat in the hospital holding my hands over my ears, sometimes with an effort of my will to break away from unpleasant thoughts in order to talk with the hospital staff. It was so bad that he really hoped for the help of a psychologist right there, but it turned out that they do not have it, there is only some analogue of a social worker who could not advise anything. They gave me a pill (as I understood it was a sedative), and the visit ended there.
The positive moment was that they gave a referral to a psychotherapist, after which I ended up with a university specialist, who at that time was studying for a Master. It did not get much easier, and the visits were given with difficulty. Still disturbed by the sounds, at some point I began to wear headphones with active noise cancellation, which helped a little. Nevertheless, during some visits I could not even look at the psychotherapist, I spoke with my eyes closed and had long breaks. At first, I was prescribed fluoxetine, a common remedy for depression. It seemed to be a little easier, but not for long. I tried to abandon rituals altogether. At the same time, at some point I was shaking: I thought it was a reaction to the absence of the usual dopamine brain, although this is only my theory. They prescribed a seroquel (5 mg), a psychotropic apparatus that is taken in large doses for schizophrenia. Perhaps she suspected that I could be exactly that, although I did not speak directly. It was very bad, so any medication was helpful. Seroquel gave several effects. At the physiological level, dry mouth was felt, fingers were swollen. Everything became duller, the sounds were gone. The desire to do something has disappeared. It seemed that I did not want anything. In the evening, the effect of the seroquil weakened. An unpleasant feeling, but those few days when I took him seemed to be allowed to calm down. As a result, it became a little easier for me, and I decided to refuse the medication, since the lack of will, on the contrary, began to prevent me from struggling with my conditions. After that, a rather long-lasting improvement followed, and for a while I forgot about drugs other than fluoxetine. After a few months, it got worse again: I walked around the room for more than 20 hours, without eating and drinking, struggling with my problems. This is an unpleasant voice and unpleasant thoughts, unpleasant images, the need to endlessly remember what you just thought. Unfortunately, I cannot describe everything in more detail, but considering the individuality of each case, I think this is not necessary.
Diagnosis
He made the diagnosis himself first, after reading on the Internet about the symptoms of schizophrenia. Very similar signs, voice, twitching facial muscles, etc. Since at that time I did not study at the university, I went to a private psychotherapist. Not very much, there was no understanding. He never told me whether he directly agrees with my diagnosis or not. Nevertheless, he prescribed the medicine to me: it was aripropazole, a more or less new drug that inhibits some dopamine receptors and stimulates others, in theory, thereby establishing a balance in the body. Honestly, I didn’t feel any effects at all except for possible excessive drowsiness, although the dose from the beginning was very small (1 mg). Over time, the dose was increased, eventually 10 mg, and after a while (several weeks), in principle, it became better. But she didn’t let go until the end, in connection with which the decision was made to visit a clinic specializing in the treatment of nervous disorders, and due to a number of circumstances, the choice fell on Switzerland, since in the United States such institutions with a really good reputation were not found.
Switzerland
In Switzerland, the psychotherapist listened carefully, asked many questions, asked to write a short history of life. Conducted all sorts of tests, from ECG and MRI to attention tests. The diagnosis was not a surprise: schizophrenia. The main factor was the voice, as in local medicine it was believed that this is a symptom of schizophrenia and not just obsessive-compulsive disorder. The treatment approach was complex. First, they increased the dose of aripropazole to a maximum of 30 mg for several weeks (again without a tangible effect), and secondly, there were different types of therapy, from playing sports to drawing. I will not say that the latter helped me with something, but because of natural modesty and the absence of excessive hostility to this occupation, I did not refuse it.
In principle, they tried very hard to help me. But I must point out that, basically, help was reduced to medications and the establishment of a regime. That is, I did not learn anything strongly new even from these professionals, unfortunately. I did not receive advice on how to get rid of my voice or walking on a psychological level. That is, there is hardly any magic tool that can cure at once, and no one else can get into your head to help. We must be patient and understand that a lot depends on you.
Now
It's much easier now. I take 15 mg aripropazole and 20 mg fluoxetine. Not yet fully restored the ability to concentrate on work, but progress is. I am engaged in electronics and robotics, which requires a certain mental stress, that is, the intellectual potential remains. Special thanks to the family, who responded with great understanding and gave me the opportunity to systematically solve my problem.
What to do?
First of all, do not despair. Never. The main thing is to understand what the problem is, after which its decision becomes more obvious. For me, the turning point was when I made a diagnosis. After that, it became much easier for me to fight on an emotional level. First you need to understand that there is no fault even more. Depression and depression are also created artificially, at the level of the chemical processes of the brain. Try to think positively, even if it seems that there is no hope. She is.
Voices, unpleasant thoughts and images are best ignored. Refer to the logic. If thoughts, words and images are unpleasant to you, it means that they contradict your moral values. It's good. So no need to feel guilty.
If you have a ritual that helps you, try to optimize it so that it takes less time and gives you the opportunity to relax. After 20-40 hours of walking without food, drink and sleep, I was completely exhausted. Surely begin irreversible chemical processes of the brain, which is bad. There was a strong pressure in the head, even the voice seemed exhausted and subsided at some point, unpleasant thoughts and images climbs less intrusively. Try to understand first of all that nothing terrible will happen to you, and take a break if you suddenly find yourself in a similar situation. Be sure to drink water, you can try to sleep. Make small changes in the ritual. For example, at some point I changed the ritual: instead of going through the whole chain of incorrect events each time, I actually make checkpoints: I stop at some event and even from the point of interruption I start from the same place. So I started spending much less time on the ritual. If you feel a sense of fear and anxiety when you change the ritual, just try to ignore it. Nothing bad will happen, remember this.
Do not refuse help. In such a difficult situation, any support plays a big role. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and this is not a manifestation of weakness. It is necessary to use all the resources for the speedy recovery of health, this is important. And be sure to remember: it will be better. Maybe not today and not tomorrow, but if you do not give up and try to maintain vigor, a bright streak will surely come. I remember how bad it was sometimes, and I understand how good it is that I did not despair. If I managed to overcome the disease, then it is up to you.
Today, I go a maximum of an hour a day, and it even seems to me that I found in myself the strength of will to completely abandon this ritual. I sincerely hope that my story can help someone in a difficult situation. Good day.
Source: https://habr.com/ru/post/400783/
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