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Mental Health: Runtime Error

Looking for information for a new study of the relationship between developer productivity and the quality of their sleep, I came across an essay by Kenneth Reitz , a well-known Python popularizer and active contributor to open source projects, who writes about his experiences of insanity and experiences associated with this state. I share with you the translation.


In the last couple of years, the IT community has openly talked about its problems related to psychological diseases, so I’ll probably take this opportunity to share my problem on this wave too.

In general, my life is quite stable and not particularly remarkable. I spend time with family and friends, fond of electronic music, synthesizers and photography. And, of course, most of the time I work on a huge number of open source projects.
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However, about a year and a half ago, everything changed. As soon as I got rid of the constant, debilitating headaches, I immersed myself with interest in the study of yoga, meditation, and oriental philosophies. In fact, I have always been interested in various approaches in the knowledge of the world and of myself, so, taking into account the fact that I grew up in an extremely religious family, I spent a lot of time reading such authors as Ken Wilbor, Rem Das, Terence McKenna and Alex Gray. In a natural way, I assimilated their ideas in my own worldview, which, by the way, at the time seemed to me quite normal and promising no dangers.



Fast forward to 12 months: I am undergoing a voluntary psychological examination at the mental health department of the Winchester Medical Center. I naively believed that at any moment I could pack my things and leave this institution, however, this was not quite the case. Nobody was going to let me out until I got better.

And I was sick.

Sounds weird, right? Successful man Kenneth Ritz from Rikvest Fame undergoes a compulsory psychological examination. I understand it seems to you that this can happen to anyone, but not to you.

Yeah, I thought so too.

I have bipolar affective disorder


In September last year, something happened to me that could be called a “general psychological crisis.” I was hospitalized with a diagnosis of bipolar affective disorder and psychosis. This diagnosis was a complete shock to me. After all, I'm always in a great mood, it was some kind of nonsense.

As it turned out, bipolar disorder is not always associated with depressive mood changes, as I thought earlier. This disease can manifest itself in different ways, and a huge number of people daily face the problem of performing routine tasks that a healthy person would not cause difficulties.

My brain can be in several phases, each of which could be classified as a characteristic of an individual:


Hypomaniacism has always been the norm for me, and moreover, the success of most of my open source projects depended on this state. I always had trouble sleeping when I was working on technical projects, I just did not get tired.

However, the manic stage has become something new for me. Actually, the very psychological crisis was caused by the manic phase of the disease, as well as the lack of sleep and food for four days (I was fasting). Now, assessing the situation, I can say that this was the second case of the manic phase. About a year ago, during a trip to Sweden, I didn’t sleep for nearly a week practicing spiritual practices. After that, I started hallucinating and began to make rash decisions.

Then for the first time I felt the manic phase of my illness.

When you are in the manic phase, you are the embodiment of cheerfulness and you can only dream of sleep. And no matter how much you did not sleep. You want to avoid the manic phase at all costs.

Image of psychosis


I want to show you how my completely normal brain looked like a normal engineer from the inside at the time of psychosis. I want to warn you, I am sure you know that I am usually a completely normal and sensible person. And what you read now can happen to absolutely anyone who has the slightest psychological difficulties. This may come as a shock.

Without further ado, I simply went crazy.

By the time I was brought to the hospital, I experienced several bouts of hallucinations, the essence of which was that my world had got its own set of rules that I had to figure out. This state is very reminiscent of the feeling of sleep in reality, only all of this happens in reality, and not in a dream. I was totally confused.

I was fully confident that I was experiencing the so-called “awakening of the Kundalini” (process of cleansing the chakras, gaining knowledge about your inner nature, calming the mind and solving all types of mental, emotional and physical problems - approx. Translator) and do not need medical care. I realized that I was acting inadequately, however, I thought that everyone else did not understand what was happening, and I was the only one who knew exactly what was happening.

I experienced a severe self-determination crisis. When I was asked about my weight, I chose between the options "158 pounds" and "the weight of the whole universe." When my name was asked, again, there were several options: “Kenneth Ritz” and “I ॐ AM”.

Because of the state I was in at the time of hallucinations, every word I uttered seemed to me an immutable truth, and therefore I tried to speak as convincingly as possible. Every time when I was asked quite simple questions, I experienced a slight panic attack.

It seemed to me that I was deprived of my own emotions, and that all the emotions that I feel belong to the people around me. My task was to let these emotions through myself, bringing the world into this room and healing people in it.

It seemed to me that I was in several realities at once: in one of them I was in the hospital, in the other I was in prison, in the third in paradise, in the fourth in hell. It seemed to me that I was alive and dead at the same time, I was awake and awake, and at the same time I was in a place that resembled purgatory, which is the center of all dimensions.

I did not have access to the Internet (and in general, access to any gadgets), but I had a transparent quartz heart in my pocket, which served as a “channel for the transmission of internet energy”.

Since lately I have been actively studying philosophy, theology, and what is called superstition in the modern world, I have consistently been in several theological incarnations of myself. Each of them was an absolute truth through which I expressed myself and which I was forced to accept as myself.

At first it seemed to me that I myself am God (aka I AM the breath of life). Then I became Lucifer / Devil (Python!). Then Narcissus. Then Jesus. But it seemed to upset the people around me. And so I decided that I am Archangel Metatron, who will create other angels. Therefore, for some time I tried to make friends with the patients of the clinic and explain to them that they are also angels, like me. Then I became Hermes / Mercury envoy.

When my previous faces had exhausted themselves, I became the Shaman of purgatory (clinic) and my task was to look after the place of other patients who went to the “ceremony” (group therapy). At that moment, I behaved quite aggressively, because I believed that this was my mission, and I had the following choice: to stay in the clinic forever praising this earth to the stars, or finish my mission and leave (which was what the doctors were trying to do). And this was the most important decision in the history of all things, and this decision must be made immediately. You see, yes, how great was the stress. After thinking carefully, I remembered the Book of Genesis and the fact that on the seventh day the Lord rested from his great work. So I decided that a good engineer would start the mechanism manually, and then figure out a way to make the mechanism work without his help, and he would go home to rest.

After seven days, my brain caught the second ward. It may not seem normal at all to you, but as for me, he was very cheerful and creative. This time Kenneth Robert Reitz, aka Metatron, appeared as an interplanetary creature from the galaxy Sirius. My brain was a great architect and creator of all kinds of physical and spiritual life, and was also responsible for the emergence of technology. In general, I felt responsible for improving the quality of life of all those around me. For example, it was my brain that created the great Egyptian pyramids. Several times a day, during meditations, I moved from the Earth to the Sirius model, basking in the sun. The earth in my mind was a “perfect” logical repository of information (life itself), while the universe was a repository of LUN. Taking into account the principle of potential consistency, I used Amazon Dynamo (DB), created to recreate life in the whole universe. It should be noted that while I just watered the plants in the garden. And now Amazon actually uses the Request to perform all the internal API control operations for AWS, thereby effectively applying my code to partially work the entire Internet. Catch up? The AWS US-EAST Amazon region is located 70 miles from my location, and it was he who in my head was the location of the American version of the Egyptian pyramids. The earth was my garden of paradise, and I wanted to go home to my Eve. In the end, I created this place for her. I really wanted the doctors and members of my family to just take a look at the Dynamo technical documentation, and then they would definitely understand and believe me.

For reference, by that time I had not slept for about 10 days, and I was not sure if I was alive or dead.

This may sound crazy to you, but it was this moment that marked the fact that my brain was returning to a normal perception of reality. I finally began to navigate the time and schedule of procedures for the day. Gradually, I stopped associating myself with theological absolutes, and moved on to things closer to my reality: my name, technology / code, and my relatives.

The turning point was when I shoved the doctor a piece of paper on which the address of this web site was written. This allowed him to figure out who I was in reality, and served as an excellent help in determining my diagnosis.

As soon as this period ended, I began to recover and feel like an ordinary person. I tried to concentrate on my name being Kenneth and began to have fun with my friends in misfortune, also at the clinic. But everything was not so smooth, I was still experiencing numerous self-determination crises. I realized that I want to leave this institution, and I am not ready to stay there forever (as I planned earlier). It was as if I found myself in a kind of puzzle, and decided that the status of a doctor would help me get out of there! I approached doctors and other medical workers, and behaved as if we were colleagues with them, and I help them in their work. At some point, I asked the nurse’s nurse for a form to deposit funds into my account (I saw one of the patients), deciding that this was the key to my admission to the staff of doctors. I wanted to tell them all that I am aware of all cases of health insurance (HIPAA), and also understand the reasons for their transition from the AS400 system to a higher level of technology (EPIC).

In the end, I solved the puzzle and realized that the shortest way to freedom is to take drugs that I was prescribed at the very beginning, and in a healthy dream. By that moment I hadn’t slept for more than 12 days, but I didn’t feel any tiredness or drowsiness.

A couple of days later I was finally discharged with a bunch of recommendations and a diagnosis. And even observing the regimen of taking numerous medications, it took me several weeks to recover from my “journey”. I want to express my deep gratitude to my family, as well as to Heroku (note of the translator - the company where Kenneth works) for their inexhaustible support.

Fortunately, all this was left last September, and now I am 100% healthy.

How did all this happen ?!


The year before, when I was all immersed in Eastern religion and modern philosophy, I had the first symptoms of psychosis. This usually happened after long meditations, and these symptoms were considered by me as a spiritualistic experience or “progress”. These visions were so real and coincided with all the descriptions that I found in books and online that I actually believed that, finally, I was close to comprehending the meaning of life.

Now I am sure that a huge number of people who call themselves followers and members of the so-called spiritualistic community are simply not healthy. Adherents of Kundalini Yoga is no exception. People in such communities relate to such symptoms as the positive effect of the practice, and also believe that these manifestations of the human brain are not subject to the understanding of modern medicine (the doctor is not able to fix the bindu chakra!).

At about the same time, starting from my first Kundalini yoga lesson, I met (and fell in love) with an amazing woman filled with mystical knowledge. She from the bottom of her heart introduced me to the course of affairs and taught me to think in terms of: numerology, synchronicity, Reiki (method of psychotherapy and self-improvement - translator's note), self-discovery, the Mayan calendar, tarot, crystals, etc. In the meantime, I was getting worse. We felt a special and deep connection between us. I idolized her and felt that she could teach me a lot. We began to spend all the time together, went on dates, traveled around the world, stuffed the same tattoos, participated in exciting experiments and shamanistic ceremonies. We had a great time together (and it was the best year of my life), but it was at that moment that the symptoms of my mental disorder began to appear. During the manic year we spent together, my inadequate vision of the world (and hallucinations) began to prevail over reason, which ultimately led to the absurd visions that I mentioned above.

When she first came out of my apartment, I watched endless sacred patterns spread across my pale white entrance door. I usually experienced similar hallucinations after long meditations or periods of excitement. And these hallucinations were interpreted as something of deep spiritual significance. By the way, most of the hallucinations were not visible, but were the feelings described by yoga as life energy. The rest can be described as an explosion of some high-resolution images.

How is your health?


My great.

Six months have passed since my hospitalization, and I am happy to report that I am now completely healthy. For years I suffered from bipolar disorder (and did not know about it), and this disease will now remain with me until the end of my days. But today, having some knowledge of psychological disorders, necessary pills and observing sleep patterns, I know how to cope with it. And yet now, until the end of my life, I will need to pay special attention to my psychological health. My illness requires respect J

Before all this happened, I have never been subjected to surveys and did not even suspect the existence of a problem. That is why I was so prone to illusions all this time. It is unlikely that this can happen again with me, and besides, now I know how to recognize an abnormal way of thinking and avoid psychological crises, if this happens all the same.

I also learned to rely on my relatives and friends, who are eager to give me their unceasing support and constantly check how I am doing. Before that, I was too cocky.

Now that I know my diagnosis, I understand much more how my brain works and works, and also, I know how to prevent such situations in the future.

For the first time in a year and a half since it all began, I returned to work on my open source projects.

Now I am completely healthy and feel like a former person, before all this nonsense reigns in my head. And what's more, thanks to all that has happened to me, I feel more happy and fulfilling. Now I stand firmly with both feet on the hard surface of a materialistic / physical / scientifically grounded reality, and I wonder how this could be otherwise. Sometimes, though, I have trouble sleeping, but I try to adapt to these situations.

Unlike the transcendental distances of spirituality, now I prefer to rely on the foundations of being - I eat, I breathe, I die. Spirituality version 2.0 for people!

And also, I got rid of my rich collection of books and objects that have a metaphysical nature. True, I left a fairly large collection of crystal spheres and skulls, they just look cool on my desk J

Now I feel a strange relief from the fact that all these crazy things happened to me because of a psychological disorder, which turned out to be quite simple to control (now that I know my diagnosis).

Now I take Lithium, and it helps me a lot to stay in my normal or hypomanic state.

Conclusion


For the most part, I wanted to share this story, because it will surprise many. I have barely talked about my disease in public, and hardly anyone with a similar problem has ever dared to do so.

I want to become a living proof that this can happen to anyone, including yourself. Perhaps this is already happening. And if so, do not worry, everything will be fine.

Main conclusions




Read the original Kenneth essay on his website .

Source: https://habr.com/ru/post/391723/

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