Business, let's go ...
- Business, stop. Come on.
- Where? Why?
- There will find out. Believe me, this is in your best interest.
')
- I hope for a while? I have a lot to do, I need to earn money. Feed you, for example.
- It depends on you, for a long time or not. Are you going
- Yes.
- Well, we are in place. What you need? Again the money?
- I will ask questions here, if you do not mind. You do not mind?
- Yes, where should I ...
- We accidentally found out that you want to change.
- I do not understand what you mean ...
- On changes in the business model. It seems that something about purchases. Tell yourself, or see in our folders?
- Oh, I think I understand what you mean. There are very small changes. You see, we have difficulties filling the buffer ...
- Stop business, you misunderstood my question, I will repeat it. We accidentally found out that you want to change.
- Well, I began to tell you about these changes, although, frankly, I do not understand why you need this ...
- I see, the conversation is not stuck. Why do we learn about your changes by chance? Maybe my memory is bad, but there is a paper in the folder on which it is written in black and white that all changes are coordinated with us, and we, if necessary, take part in them. And your signature is worth it.
- Well ... Yes, I remember this paper. We signed it when we met for the first time, and agreed on mutually beneficial cooperation ...
- Then explain this chance? Conjuncture? Or, do not even dare to say out loud ... You decided to throw us? Think you can do without us?
- I'm without you? Are you serious? Damn, you are an adult, although you have a specific profession, you have a wife, you have children, you go to the shops, you watch TV, you wipe your ass with paper ... And you think that ours with you, God forgive me, cooperation, at least I bring some benefit ? Do you have trainings here, where your brain is washed and convinced that you are not just parasites and freeloaders, but also bring business benefits? Maybe stop this balagan, do not talk to me as a fool to talk!
- So this means it will be a conversation? Are you sure you want to continue in this tone?
- Yes, it seems, training. No, of course, we will not continue in this tone, it’s more expensive. Remind me, what the fuck do you want from me?
- I think you already understood and remembered. We should not be the last to change our plans for change.
- Yes, I understood that. And why do you need this if it is not a secret? Can you give good advice? Any help?
- Without any doubt. You do not know life well, because you live in your little world. We, on the contrary, work with different businesses, and we have high-level inter-agency cooperation, exchange of experience and information. We can assess the risk of any change, give advice on its implementation, taking into account the situation in the region and country. Our experience ...
- Blah blah blah, do not continue, I heard it. Ok, you threatened me with a finger, something else you need?
- Yes, now let's talk about the essence of the changes you want to make.
- There is nothing worthy of your attention, I assure you. Minor changes in the mathematics of the calculation of schedule lines, reorder points, etc. Not even worth the discussion.
- Minor change, or not, is not up to you. You still have to tell, because without us you will not be able to make such a change. Moreover, the previous procurement scheme was built with our direct participation ...
- ... which cost me 2 million rubles. I remember how.
- Our services are expensive, but without us you will lose more money. You can even lose yourself, dear business.
- How much time will it take?
- Tell the essence of the changes to start, at least in two words.
- Supplement the purchase according to the monthly plan, drawn up according to the rolling sales plan, by purchasing by target levels for the main nomenclature. The purchase of the plan remains for a rare item. Everything.
- (after a minute of reflection) This is about two months, taking into account our workload and all the attendant difficulties. For money - in the region of 1 million, maybe a little more. About target levels ...
- Kiss my ass.
- ??? !!!
- In the ass, in the ass, you did not mishear. It's easier for me to die than to work with you. You are a mastodon, Pithecanthropus, an old stinking fossil, working with the methods of the past millennium.
- Business, what found you? Is this some kind of disease? Do you need help?
- Required, but not yours. You already did what you could. I'm on the verge of death. I have lost my key advantage - mobility. Mobility, which was the cause of my success. Mobility, because of which you started working with me. The mobility that you promised to support and develop, saving me from annoying problems, like security.
- We only deal with those that help you develop. I do not understand why you are so eager, I just called the date of the scheme change ...
- Two months! You called a term of two months!
- And what is wrong? I really don't understand.
- How much do you think time is needed for people who are engaged in purchasing in order to restructure and start working in a new way?
- Hmm, I do not even know. How many?
- In fact - one hour. They have already done it.
- Something I can not believe in such miracles ...
- That's why I tell you honestly, openly and directly: go to hell. Do you understand what happens with the changes when I connect you? Nothing happens. Changes do not occur. You, in order to make changes in your part, through your own channels, using your own methods, take time and money many times more than everything else combined. Everybody needs an hour, you need two months.
- Well, there certainly can be done faster if the situation requires it. I can come up with a deadline of two weeks, but with the same budget - additional people will be needed, perhaps accessory workers. This is really a difficult task, I have already come across such schemes ...
- Come on, tell me what's so complicated. You have been riding my ears for several years now, talking about difficulties. Because of your whining, your horse deadlines and budgets, we stopped developing at all, you know? Well, it would be just a matter of budgets and deadlines - after all, after you do everything, it becomes even worse. And God forbid, try to change the process created with your participation - it is easier to throw out and make everything from scratch. The main condition - you, moron, do not allow. In general, do not let anywhere. From the threshold of the knee in the ass.
- I get the feeling that this is not an impromptu. Have you long wanted to make this conversation?
- Oh, yes, for a long time your hands itched. No, not so - just my hands itched - to understand what was wrong with me, why I, the business, became so clumsy.
Earlier, in the early years, I could in a few days - hear, in a few days! - almost completely change their activities! Even change the product line to one hundred percent! I was light as a feather.
I changed my models, my behavior, at least once a month - where it was necessary, where something went wrong. I just told people - hey, guys, look, you have to try it differently, and then kosyachim - and the guys agreed and did, right there!
Then I became bigger and more difficult, I had problems with information and management and, as a result, with changes. Not having relevant information, and not managing “at my fingertips,” I stopped understanding what was happening to me, where everything was fine, and where problems were, what had to be changed, and whether it was necessary. There are problems with security, and information as well.
Then I called you. Do you remember the first years of our work?
- Yes of course. It was a wonderful time, golden ...
- That's right, even you remember him that way! We have put things in order, sometimes with an iron hand, sometimes with iron arguments and facts, but we figured it all out! You helped me - gave information and debugged management, I again began to understand what was happening to me, where everything was fine, and where changes were needed.
- Why did you send me in the ass then?
“Not for what you did, but for how you did it, and how you continue to do it.” You work as a concrete mixer, and it is very expensive. Your way of solving problems is to pour all concrete with less fermentation, and everything is clear and predictable.
And at first, when there was anarchy and a mess, your concrete helped a lot. But what happens if it turns out that the concrete was poured incorrectly?
- I don’t know, honestly, I’m not a builder. Probably, they pick it up somehow, with a crowbar, or a pick, or a pneumatic hammer ... I don't know.
- Similarly, you do not know, but you understand about what this is - a terrible, fast and incredible ass. Exactly the same as working with you.
Here you took part in building the procurement scheme, took over two million rubles. This is concreting, although at first it did not seem so.
But when for the implementation of a tiny change in the procurement scheme you called the term 2 months and the amount of 1 million rubles, it became clear that my purchase is in deep concrete, and I am in the same deep ass, because I still work with you .
But then miracles happen, don't they, buddy?
- My profession does not allow me to believe in miracles.
- Hmm, and I still like. You see, your concrete is made-up. He does not exist, he is only in imagination. And you have to pay for it for real, even at an exorbitant price.
But if you stop discussing changes with you, if you stop attracting you to change, if you get rid of it at all, then the real changes will come back and begin to be realized in hours and days, not months and years.
You see, you fucking magician? You invented all the importance and value of your work, and you believed in it, but for me, the business, you were just concrete, which I poured my pants into for my money! And now, to go, I apologize to the toilet, I must call you, bow to you, so that you help me to urinate!
You are the slowest, slow, slowed-down link in my development. Tell who - do not believe it! You are on the front line, you are the IT department, you are new technologies, only about you they write in all media that there is no development without you, that only with you modern business can survive!
What really? I don’t even argue about how you use technology for me. I still remember how you came and suggested that I use a blockchain instead of servers, which you recommended to me instead of the cloud, for it is safer.
But why always, when you create your IT solutions, do they end up being so cumbersome?
Why is a high-tech site for 1 million rubles, which you made for me, so difficult to change that it is easier for me to convert it to static html-pages myself, as I did 20 years ago at the university?
Why in the ERP-system for 15 million rubles, which you introduced to me, you can not find out the share of electricity in the finished product? Well, to hell with him it is impossible, you can not please everyone ... Why is "possible" worth 500 thousand rubles? Well, okay, maybe my problem is dumb ... No, not debility! In the previous version of the ERP system, you solved this task for 10 thousand rubles!
What new systems are made so that it was more expensive to change them?
- Well, in general, yes. They call it the process approach - they put in the system predefined processes that you have to follow, and all you have ...
- That is, the concrete is already poured into the box that I buy? Because its implementation and cost about 15 million rubles, and the previous - 1 million rubles?
- Yes, if you follow your terminology - it is concrete. For raskovyrivanie which needed these 15 million rubles.
- Then to pour back everything to hera ...
- Yes, alas.
- I just have no words. I do not know what to say. How long have you been so ... concreting me?
- I don’t know, I never thought so about my work. I honestly thought I was helping you. And everyone around did so - and businesses, and IT, why it seemed that I was not worse, and you.
I never thought I was stopping you from developing. Moreover, I am the bottleneck, because of which all changes are stopped.
As we are taught at those trainings mentioned by you: changes are long and tedious, they are always stuck in the bureaucracy, and the bureaucracy is full everywhere, changes are almost always UPS, in fact, not changes are needed, but stabilization, including due to automation and formalization of requirements.
So I stabilized as I could. To guarantee, reliably worked. Well, or concreted, as you called it.
I always thought that the clearer, clearer, and fewer options for using systems for people, the better. Therefore, I always demand the TZ, which describes all the steps for the development, lists the requirements, draws schemes of algorithms.
- Now you understand what you painted TK?
- Concrete? Or buildings made of concrete?
- Crypt. You are most clearly, clearly and meticulously painted crypt in which they bury me. There were still chances, at the very beginning, but you did such a long-time TZ that I really managed to hover ... (laughs)
- Yes, and that is true, then I was too smart with the details (laughs too).
- Well, what shall we do?
“So you sent me in the ass.” I sit, I think, how to find the way ...
- Sorry, of course, this is me in a temper. Well, I thought that you were inadequate, and you would bend your face to the end and build yourself up as an important horseradish.
- Maybe tomorrow we will discuss? Today there are no forces anymore.
- See you tomorrow. Tomorrow is better. Think at your leisure about automating change.
- Automation of what? How is that? Are you talking about draft changes?
- No, about the automation of changes. Here is a sales automation. And there is an automation of sales changes.
- Interesting, but tell me more ...
- Hey, no, we agreed for tomorrow. You just hold this thought in your head, maybe you can think of it ... Until tomorrow!
- Yes, see you tommorow! Thank! Automation of changes ... Automation of changes ... What the hell is that shit ... Rebus or something?
- Where? Why?
- There will find out. Believe me, this is in your best interest.
')
- I hope for a while? I have a lot to do, I need to earn money. Feed you, for example.
- It depends on you, for a long time or not. Are you going
- Yes.
- Well, we are in place. What you need? Again the money?
- I will ask questions here, if you do not mind. You do not mind?
- Yes, where should I ...
- We accidentally found out that you want to change.
- I do not understand what you mean ...
- On changes in the business model. It seems that something about purchases. Tell yourself, or see in our folders?
- Oh, I think I understand what you mean. There are very small changes. You see, we have difficulties filling the buffer ...
- Stop business, you misunderstood my question, I will repeat it. We accidentally found out that you want to change.
- Well, I began to tell you about these changes, although, frankly, I do not understand why you need this ...
- I see, the conversation is not stuck. Why do we learn about your changes by chance? Maybe my memory is bad, but there is a paper in the folder on which it is written in black and white that all changes are coordinated with us, and we, if necessary, take part in them. And your signature is worth it.
- Well ... Yes, I remember this paper. We signed it when we met for the first time, and agreed on mutually beneficial cooperation ...
- Then explain this chance? Conjuncture? Or, do not even dare to say out loud ... You decided to throw us? Think you can do without us?
- I'm without you? Are you serious? Damn, you are an adult, although you have a specific profession, you have a wife, you have children, you go to the shops, you watch TV, you wipe your ass with paper ... And you think that ours with you, God forgive me, cooperation, at least I bring some benefit ? Do you have trainings here, where your brain is washed and convinced that you are not just parasites and freeloaders, but also bring business benefits? Maybe stop this balagan, do not talk to me as a fool to talk!
- So this means it will be a conversation? Are you sure you want to continue in this tone?
- Yes, it seems, training. No, of course, we will not continue in this tone, it’s more expensive. Remind me, what the fuck do you want from me?
- I think you already understood and remembered. We should not be the last to change our plans for change.
- Yes, I understood that. And why do you need this if it is not a secret? Can you give good advice? Any help?
- Without any doubt. You do not know life well, because you live in your little world. We, on the contrary, work with different businesses, and we have high-level inter-agency cooperation, exchange of experience and information. We can assess the risk of any change, give advice on its implementation, taking into account the situation in the region and country. Our experience ...
- Blah blah blah, do not continue, I heard it. Ok, you threatened me with a finger, something else you need?
- Yes, now let's talk about the essence of the changes you want to make.
- There is nothing worthy of your attention, I assure you. Minor changes in the mathematics of the calculation of schedule lines, reorder points, etc. Not even worth the discussion.
- Minor change, or not, is not up to you. You still have to tell, because without us you will not be able to make such a change. Moreover, the previous procurement scheme was built with our direct participation ...
- ... which cost me 2 million rubles. I remember how.
- Our services are expensive, but without us you will lose more money. You can even lose yourself, dear business.
- How much time will it take?
- Tell the essence of the changes to start, at least in two words.
- Supplement the purchase according to the monthly plan, drawn up according to the rolling sales plan, by purchasing by target levels for the main nomenclature. The purchase of the plan remains for a rare item. Everything.
- (after a minute of reflection) This is about two months, taking into account our workload and all the attendant difficulties. For money - in the region of 1 million, maybe a little more. About target levels ...
- Kiss my ass.
- ??? !!!
- In the ass, in the ass, you did not mishear. It's easier for me to die than to work with you. You are a mastodon, Pithecanthropus, an old stinking fossil, working with the methods of the past millennium.
- Business, what found you? Is this some kind of disease? Do you need help?
- Required, but not yours. You already did what you could. I'm on the verge of death. I have lost my key advantage - mobility. Mobility, which was the cause of my success. Mobility, because of which you started working with me. The mobility that you promised to support and develop, saving me from annoying problems, like security.
- We only deal with those that help you develop. I do not understand why you are so eager, I just called the date of the scheme change ...
- Two months! You called a term of two months!
- And what is wrong? I really don't understand.
- How much do you think time is needed for people who are engaged in purchasing in order to restructure and start working in a new way?
- Hmm, I do not even know. How many?
- In fact - one hour. They have already done it.
- Something I can not believe in such miracles ...
- That's why I tell you honestly, openly and directly: go to hell. Do you understand what happens with the changes when I connect you? Nothing happens. Changes do not occur. You, in order to make changes in your part, through your own channels, using your own methods, take time and money many times more than everything else combined. Everybody needs an hour, you need two months.
- Well, there certainly can be done faster if the situation requires it. I can come up with a deadline of two weeks, but with the same budget - additional people will be needed, perhaps accessory workers. This is really a difficult task, I have already come across such schemes ...
- Come on, tell me what's so complicated. You have been riding my ears for several years now, talking about difficulties. Because of your whining, your horse deadlines and budgets, we stopped developing at all, you know? Well, it would be just a matter of budgets and deadlines - after all, after you do everything, it becomes even worse. And God forbid, try to change the process created with your participation - it is easier to throw out and make everything from scratch. The main condition - you, moron, do not allow. In general, do not let anywhere. From the threshold of the knee in the ass.
- I get the feeling that this is not an impromptu. Have you long wanted to make this conversation?
- Oh, yes, for a long time your hands itched. No, not so - just my hands itched - to understand what was wrong with me, why I, the business, became so clumsy.
Earlier, in the early years, I could in a few days - hear, in a few days! - almost completely change their activities! Even change the product line to one hundred percent! I was light as a feather.
I changed my models, my behavior, at least once a month - where it was necessary, where something went wrong. I just told people - hey, guys, look, you have to try it differently, and then kosyachim - and the guys agreed and did, right there!
Then I became bigger and more difficult, I had problems with information and management and, as a result, with changes. Not having relevant information, and not managing “at my fingertips,” I stopped understanding what was happening to me, where everything was fine, and where problems were, what had to be changed, and whether it was necessary. There are problems with security, and information as well.
Then I called you. Do you remember the first years of our work?
- Yes of course. It was a wonderful time, golden ...
- That's right, even you remember him that way! We have put things in order, sometimes with an iron hand, sometimes with iron arguments and facts, but we figured it all out! You helped me - gave information and debugged management, I again began to understand what was happening to me, where everything was fine, and where changes were needed.
- Why did you send me in the ass then?
“Not for what you did, but for how you did it, and how you continue to do it.” You work as a concrete mixer, and it is very expensive. Your way of solving problems is to pour all concrete with less fermentation, and everything is clear and predictable.
And at first, when there was anarchy and a mess, your concrete helped a lot. But what happens if it turns out that the concrete was poured incorrectly?
- I don’t know, honestly, I’m not a builder. Probably, they pick it up somehow, with a crowbar, or a pick, or a pneumatic hammer ... I don't know.
- Similarly, you do not know, but you understand about what this is - a terrible, fast and incredible ass. Exactly the same as working with you.
Here you took part in building the procurement scheme, took over two million rubles. This is concreting, although at first it did not seem so.
But when for the implementation of a tiny change in the procurement scheme you called the term 2 months and the amount of 1 million rubles, it became clear that my purchase is in deep concrete, and I am in the same deep ass, because I still work with you .
But then miracles happen, don't they, buddy?
- My profession does not allow me to believe in miracles.
- Hmm, and I still like. You see, your concrete is made-up. He does not exist, he is only in imagination. And you have to pay for it for real, even at an exorbitant price.
But if you stop discussing changes with you, if you stop attracting you to change, if you get rid of it at all, then the real changes will come back and begin to be realized in hours and days, not months and years.
You see, you fucking magician? You invented all the importance and value of your work, and you believed in it, but for me, the business, you were just concrete, which I poured my pants into for my money! And now, to go, I apologize to the toilet, I must call you, bow to you, so that you help me to urinate!
You are the slowest, slow, slowed-down link in my development. Tell who - do not believe it! You are on the front line, you are the IT department, you are new technologies, only about you they write in all media that there is no development without you, that only with you modern business can survive!
What really? I don’t even argue about how you use technology for me. I still remember how you came and suggested that I use a blockchain instead of servers, which you recommended to me instead of the cloud, for it is safer.
But why always, when you create your IT solutions, do they end up being so cumbersome?
Why is a high-tech site for 1 million rubles, which you made for me, so difficult to change that it is easier for me to convert it to static html-pages myself, as I did 20 years ago at the university?
Why in the ERP-system for 15 million rubles, which you introduced to me, you can not find out the share of electricity in the finished product? Well, to hell with him it is impossible, you can not please everyone ... Why is "possible" worth 500 thousand rubles? Well, okay, maybe my problem is dumb ... No, not debility! In the previous version of the ERP system, you solved this task for 10 thousand rubles!
What new systems are made so that it was more expensive to change them?
- Well, in general, yes. They call it the process approach - they put in the system predefined processes that you have to follow, and all you have ...
- That is, the concrete is already poured into the box that I buy? Because its implementation and cost about 15 million rubles, and the previous - 1 million rubles?
- Yes, if you follow your terminology - it is concrete. For raskovyrivanie which needed these 15 million rubles.
- Then to pour back everything to hera ...
- Yes, alas.
- I just have no words. I do not know what to say. How long have you been so ... concreting me?
- I don’t know, I never thought so about my work. I honestly thought I was helping you. And everyone around did so - and businesses, and IT, why it seemed that I was not worse, and you.
I never thought I was stopping you from developing. Moreover, I am the bottleneck, because of which all changes are stopped.
As we are taught at those trainings mentioned by you: changes are long and tedious, they are always stuck in the bureaucracy, and the bureaucracy is full everywhere, changes are almost always UPS, in fact, not changes are needed, but stabilization, including due to automation and formalization of requirements.
So I stabilized as I could. To guarantee, reliably worked. Well, or concreted, as you called it.
I always thought that the clearer, clearer, and fewer options for using systems for people, the better. Therefore, I always demand the TZ, which describes all the steps for the development, lists the requirements, draws schemes of algorithms.
- Now you understand what you painted TK?
- Concrete? Or buildings made of concrete?
- Crypt. You are most clearly, clearly and meticulously painted crypt in which they bury me. There were still chances, at the very beginning, but you did such a long-time TZ that I really managed to hover ... (laughs)
- Yes, and that is true, then I was too smart with the details (laughs too).
- Well, what shall we do?
“So you sent me in the ass.” I sit, I think, how to find the way ...
- Sorry, of course, this is me in a temper. Well, I thought that you were inadequate, and you would bend your face to the end and build yourself up as an important horseradish.
- Maybe tomorrow we will discuss? Today there are no forces anymore.
- See you tomorrow. Tomorrow is better. Think at your leisure about automating change.
- Automation of what? How is that? Are you talking about draft changes?
- No, about the automation of changes. Here is a sales automation. And there is an automation of sales changes.
- Interesting, but tell me more ...
- Hey, no, we agreed for tomorrow. You just hold this thought in your head, maybe you can think of it ... Until tomorrow!
- Yes, see you tommorow! Thank! Automation of changes ... Automation of changes ... What the hell is that shit ... Rebus or something?
Source: https://habr.com/ru/post/349932/
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