Time off the hook: turning emotions into allies
Do you not know how to enjoy work and life in general, as we are not able to do? If your Monday looks like those memes, Friday makes you happy, and colleagues and customers occasionally suggest thoughts of self-harm, then the book that will be discussed in this Friday article may come in handy.
In 2016, psychologist and business coach from the United States, Susan David, summarized her twenty years of counseling and theoretical experience in her book “Emotional Flexibility: How to Learn to Enjoy Change and Enjoy Work and Life.” The concept presented in this work was one of the most discussed new products and gathered a lot of regalia: Amazon declared it the best book of 2016, and the concept of “emotional flexibility,” introduced by the researcher, was awarded the title of the idea of ​​the year by the Harvard Business Review. In a nutshell, this idea can be expressed as follows: success is predetermined by how we build interaction with our inner world and, first of all, with emotional responses. At first glance, it sounds like something extremely abstract on the topic of personal growth, but in fact many theses are universal and quite suitable for everyday use at work and at home. We read and outlined the main ideas for those who have little time, but a lot of motivation.
Emotions are an instantaneous physiological reaction to important signals that we receive from the outside world, a mechanism for synchronizing our internal state and behavior with a situation. They represent the natural system of orientation, thanks to which we not only survive, but also achieve success.
However, as everyone knows, you cannot fully rely on emotions. Sometimes they present a situation in a distorted form, confusing and pushing for undesirable actions. So how to deal with a system of landmarks that constantly fails? Many people prefer to try to turn it off completely, others install filters, still others believe it unconditionally.
')
David offers a distinctive approach to managing his inner life — emotional flexibility that involves conscious acceptance, self-analysis, and breadth of thinking.
The main secret is to treat emotions as warning signals that the security system gives us. Ignoring these signals is unproductive, but we should not forget that they need to be deciphered and understood, and do not call for action directly.
Emotional flexibility refers precisely to the intervals between the feelings that the situation causes us and the behavior that it dictates. It is important to catch this moment, connect rational thinking and make the right decision. But it is more difficult than it seems.
Why? Because our thinking is characterized by rigidity - the tendency to produce patterned reactions to the stimulus, bypassing the stage of analysis. This tendency is especially pronounced in scenarios where a hook is involved - some kind of event or experience, with which we have a lot of negative experience and defeatist attitudes.
Our brain not only remembers events, but interprets them in a certain way, reveals patterns and wraps everything in accompanying emotions. Thus, judgments, and then whole plots, are gradually formed from simple facts. Naturally, the more extensive and radical generalizations we make, the less they usually correspond to reality. Worse, they are often negative and harmful.
The chain may be, let's say, this: “At this rate, I don’t have time to finish by the deadline”> “I delayed work last week, I always don’t have enough time”> “Half of the department works faster than me, I don’t pull”> I was going to move into this area, still nothing happens, and I will be dragged along in the tail ”> of the installation“ I am a bad worker ”,“ I am a stupor ”,“ I don’t have anything in X ”.
When the script is formed, we will try to apply it wherever possible, at the first collision with a suitable trigger (for example, time trouble or critical comment). When this happens, the “automatic mode” is launched: we no longer think, but simply reproduce the finished chain of reasoning and experiences.
The hook consists of three components:
All this is a direct consequence of the specifics of our thinking. People like to create a mental category and distribute objects, phenomena and even those around them. Categorization is, in general, a useful mechanism for avoiding information overload. Thanks to her, we use empirical knowledge to cope with the routine with minimal effort.
However, when we unnecessarily rely on tough, pre-defined categories and adapt to them, we begin to issue standard reactions to new events, without thinking about how suitable they are. People who are hooked to a certain way of thinking, perceive reality distortedly, the wide context of the situation passes by them, which leads to rash decisions.
As soon as the brain switches to automatic mode, it takes effort and a lot of flexibility to get out of it. Accordingly, for those who rely too much on ready-made algorithms, there is a danger that they will never get out of the “go with the flow” mode and miss out on the many options available for a receptive mind.
There are four hooks on which we fall most often:
Hook number 1: Thinking is bad
Decisions are based on assumptions, hypothetical consequences of actions - as if a person disclaims responsibility with the phrase "I thought ...".
"I thought it was not interesting to anyone, so I kept silent."
"I thought that they themselves will understand, and did not interfere."
Hook â„–2: Talking monkey
This is the well-known “internal dialogue” with the image of a real interlocutor, which exists only in our head and for which we ourselves invent remarks, objections, and possibly insults. The conversation is fictional, but the emotions that it causes in us are quite real. This is a great way to set yourself up for the worst outcome, fan the problem and lose a lot of time and energy. The talking monkey throws us out of the present, not giving a neutral space for creative thinking and not allowing us to focus on what is happening at the moment.
Hook number 3: Old ideas from which you have already grown
It so happens that certain behavior algorithms are developed as a defensive reaction to the surrounding reality. At some point, a person finds himself in a different life situation, where they are no longer needed and not effective, but continue to reproduce outdated stereotypes. Often this is a symptom of an old, not worked injury. For example, many children from toxic families, when they grow up and begin to build relationships with partners, adhere to those safety rules that they have developed for themselves in childhood - not to open completely, to avoid conflicts, not to show weaknesses.
Hook â„–4: Excessive directness
Here we are talking more about the desire to get out of the dispute "right" at any cost. Sometimes we forget that the best outcome of the dialogue is compromise and mutual understanding, and we persistently continue to bend our line to the bitter end, although the conversation has already ceased to be productive and turns into an ordinary quarrel.
This question is part of a broader and more fundamental problem: how to treat your feelings in principle? The way we are accustomed to react to the emergence of some kind of emotion, directly affects the resolution of the situation as a whole - whether we go along a trodden path or act according to circumstances.
Different experts offer different options for a basic list of emotions. David accepts the following:
As we can see, most of them (five of seven) are negative. Consequently, unpleasant experiences will inevitably form an essential part of our emotional life.
Among the strategies that people apply to negative feelings, the following two are particularly popular:
Closure . In an attempt to get rid of the hook, a person leaves his emotions unattended - pretends that nothing is happening and trying to distract himself from other impressions.
The problem here is that, brushing off unpleasant feelings, it is impossible to understand what they are caused by, which means that it will not be possible to find any solution. Serious changes and personal growth are always accompanied by deep and strong emotions, and those who refuse from them are forced to stay in one place for years. In addition, avoidance strategies — conscious efforts not to do something (for example, “not thinking about it”) take up as many resources as active actions. And finally, repressed emotions go nowhere - they accumulate and sooner or later take their own, and not at all in the way you expected (the so-called emotional displacement). A paradox turns out: the conspirators seek to gain control and save energy through suppression, but in the end they have neither the one nor the other.
Winding up Here the situation is reversed: a person cannot let go of a situation, experiencing and analyzing it endlessly. At first glance it may seem that he is on the right track - after all, awareness and acceptance of emotions takes place - but the hacker “wallows” in feelings that are amplified with each new revolution, and never reaches the stage of productive actions.
So, both of these strategies do not work in the long term, although they may temporarily "relieve symptoms." They can be used in certain situations, but in no case can not be turned into familiar mechanisms.
What approach then should be considered productive? The next chapter is devoted to the answer to this question.
The first step to emotional flexibility is this: to face your problems face to face, reconcile with them and find a way to coexist peacefully. If you treat your demons with sympathy and interest as part of yourself, they lose their power.
“Treat with sympathy” means accepting your thoughts and feelings not as inevitable or unequivocally correct, but as a natural result of the influence of past experience and the current situation. Acceptance of what is is a necessary basis for control and change. And this does not mean that you should try to see only the good - just the non-judgmental awareness of your weaknesses and shortcomings provides an opportunity for growth.
Accepting one's feelings and desires as a given should not be considered a one-time action; it should be a permanent condition for us. Any feelings, reactions, impulses have the right to exist. The changes discussed above will concern concrete actions, not emotions - the strength should go not to fight immediate desires, but to make decisions that correspond to our values.
Note : it is also useful to work on your emotional vocabulary - the ability to notice, distinguish and name various feelings. It is impossible to accept emotion if you do not understand what you are experiencing.
Numerous experiments show that one of the most effective ways to work out your feelings is written expression (in other words, splashing pain on paper). Why? Because in this way we take the next step towards emotional flexibility - we distance ourselves from our emotions. Translating feelings into words, we get the opportunity to look at them from the side and gradually move from experience to analysis.
Distance - this is the creation of the gap between the stimulus and the reaction described in the first chapter. Such a gap can be used to fully appreciate the context, recall your goals and values, and choose a course of conduct that relates to them.
Being on a hook means seeing only one answer, the one that gives us impulses. Moving away from the problem, we, in full accordance with the laws of perspective, get a wider overview of the possibilities, and therefore more flexibility. If we consider each thought as a thing in itself, we will not fall under its control and we will be able to choose how to act with it — develop it, take it as a guide to action, or throw it aside. This skill is called a metaview - a look from above.
The author offers the following distancing techniques:
All the techniques described so far have served one purpose: to keep yourself from making mindless decisions dictated by momentary emotions. Turning off the autopilot, plunging into the situation and looking at it with the eyes of an outside observer, we free up space for thoughts of another type. What, then, should form the basis of the decisions?
Following your own path is the art of living, relying on your personal set of values: that is, beliefs and principles of behavior that give meaning to life and bring satisfaction. The next step in achieving emotional flexibility is to identify these values ​​and learn how to follow them when making decisions.
The most difficult thing here is to prevent the substitution of what is important to us, what we are supposed to want. Often we need some reference points, we find them in the surrounding or in ordinary truths, which translates the cultural space. There is a process of so-called social infection.
Not understanding our true desires, we risk replacing them with strangers and actually living life on autopilot.
The author emphasizes that values ​​in her understanding are not about rigid rules of life, but a personal set of guidelines for purposeful activity.
To get an idea of ​​your own set of values, you should ask yourself the following questions:
When you realize what is important to you, the gap between true feelings and actions begins to shrink. Values ​​protect us from infection with negative patterns and give impetus to the right decisions in small everyday dilemmas. Without them, developing will power is difficult and useless.
Adaptation of their behavior under the selected values ​​is rather an evolutionary process. than revolutionary. It is not due to a radical coup, but is made up of many small everyday changes - mini-adjustments. The effect of them gradually accumulates, and as a result, the course of our lives is changing dramatically.
Mini adjustments have three main areas of application. You can change:
1. Installations
Installations are basic ideas about the world and our place in it, which determine how we interact with it. They can be both very broad (“People do not change”, “Women are more stupid than men”), and private, relating to a particular personality and its self-perception (“I am not a creative person”, “I can’t drink”). With a change in attitudes, the line of conduct naturally changes as well - adaptation to the “new” reality occurs.
2. Motivation
Motivation like “I want” always works better than motivation like “I must.” Even if an unpleasant decision is fully consistent with our values, you will not get far on bare will-power - you need to connect your own desires. To some extent, this is simply a question of the correct formulation of the goal: it must reflect our true interests so as to generate interest. An incorrectly stated goal relies on external suggestions, negative attitudes or a sense of shame.
Wed: "We need to lose weight, otherwise I will not pull out into the mountains in the summer" and "I need to lose weight, otherwise I’m already looking at me!"
Want-motivation pushes us to look for alternatives, and suggests reasons not to follow the temptation (“In fact, you don’t really want to have a sweet tooth”); need-motivation enhances the temptation, creating a feeling that we are oppressed and constrained ("And so do not eat anything tasty, but what's the use?").
Note : it’s easy to fall into the trap of a “forced-up positive”. Sometimes there is nothing in the situation that could appeal to our “want”. If in some areas this happens often, perhaps there is a need for serious change.
3. Habits
Habit is an automatic response to an often occurring situation caused by an external factor.
Long-term change is always a matter of habit. At a certain moment, we stop making a conscious choice in favor of something every time and raise one or another pattern of behavior into the “default” variant. In fact, this is the same autopilot, which was discussed at the beginning of the book, only in the case of positive changes, it works for us. Habit not only guarantees the reproduction of action, but also frees us mental resources.
How to form a habit?
So, we took off the hook, outlined the range of values, began to introduce mini-adjustments in accordance with them and gradually introduced the necessary actions into the habit, having accustomed ourselves to play them on autopilot. Everything seems to be good, but if such automatic actions begin to prevail in our lives, this leads to a lack of growth, boredom and rigidity - that is, exactly what we were trying to get away from at the very first stage.
Such a state, when in a certain area for us there is nothing left that can be considered a challenge to our abilities and all tasks can be performed with closed eyes, is called super-competence. It leaves a feeling of routine and predictability and does not lead to prosperity, even if we are engaged in what is included in our values. The opposite of this state of affairs is situations of super complexity, when we are constantly in tension and forced to give all the best by 150%, which suppresses creative thinking and exhausts the psyche. Emotional flexibility implies a constant balancing between these two states. The next step is to follow the principle of balance.
The balance principle is a search for an interchange point, where the comfort of simple, familiar situations is balanced by intense interaction with the unknown, and even stress. This point defines the area of ​​optimal development in which we could live at the limit of our abilities — without being submerged in the routine, but not tormented by a feeling of powerlessness.
The main obstacle here is our desire for comfort, that is, in essence, for safety. Getting out of the comfort zone is always associated with uncertainty and risk, and evolutionary mechanisms encourage us to avoid unfamiliar and potentially dangerous. Gaps in understanding the situation always cause subconscious fear. For us, a coherent, integral picture of the world is so important that we can go against our own interests, so as not to "break the pattern."
For example : people with low self-esteem to those who have a low opinion of them, as they seek confirmation of their attitudes. Success inspires them with anxiety, which can push on self-sabotage.
Therefore, the difficulties in your life need to enter consciously and metered, keeping the balance between complexity and skill. Experiments show that in mastering any skill there is a so-called zone of stability: a segment in which a person may feel super-competent, but the possibilities for development have not yet been exhausted. The desire for continuous complication of tasks, openness to new information allows you not to get stuck on a smooth part of the schedule.
How to get out of the stability zone?
***
Compiler's commentary : The ninth and tenth chapters are devoted to applying the described techniques in specific contexts (professional activities and raising children) and do not add anything new in terms of theoretical foundations. In the full version of the book you will also find much more examples from life and detailed metaphors - the text, in the best traditions of American self-help literature, is generously diluted with entertainment content. We also left several paragraphs outside the outline in which we speak about private issues that are more relevant to Western realities and worldviews (the yoke of “positive thinking”, stress-phobia).
If we talk about personal impressions, the ideas that David expresses in different parts of the book do not strike with novelty. About the vaccinated scenarios that a person lives over and over again, for example, Bern wrote in detail, the toxicity of repressed emotions is also a common place in psychology. However, the author very organically weaves various techniques, principles and solutions into a single coherent approach, simplifying and adapting them a little for everyday use. Indeed, there is a desire to try, especially since the technique is very, sorry for the pun, flexible - it does not require large investments of the resource and you can try it on any trifle.
In 2016, psychologist and business coach from the United States, Susan David, summarized her twenty years of counseling and theoretical experience in her book “Emotional Flexibility: How to Learn to Enjoy Change and Enjoy Work and Life.” The concept presented in this work was one of the most discussed new products and gathered a lot of regalia: Amazon declared it the best book of 2016, and the concept of “emotional flexibility,” introduced by the researcher, was awarded the title of the idea of ​​the year by the Harvard Business Review. In a nutshell, this idea can be expressed as follows: success is predetermined by how we build interaction with our inner world and, first of all, with emotional responses. At first glance, it sounds like something extremely abstract on the topic of personal growth, but in fact many theses are universal and quite suitable for everyday use at work and at home. We read and outlined the main ideas for those who have little time, but a lot of motivation.
Chapter 1: From Rigidity to Flexibility
Emotions are an instantaneous physiological reaction to important signals that we receive from the outside world, a mechanism for synchronizing our internal state and behavior with a situation. They represent the natural system of orientation, thanks to which we not only survive, but also achieve success.
However, as everyone knows, you cannot fully rely on emotions. Sometimes they present a situation in a distorted form, confusing and pushing for undesirable actions. So how to deal with a system of landmarks that constantly fails? Many people prefer to try to turn it off completely, others install filters, still others believe it unconditionally.
')
David offers a distinctive approach to managing his inner life — emotional flexibility that involves conscious acceptance, self-analysis, and breadth of thinking.
The main secret is to treat emotions as warning signals that the security system gives us. Ignoring these signals is unproductive, but we should not forget that they need to be deciphered and understood, and do not call for action directly.
There is always a gap between a stimulus and a reaction, and in this gap a person has the freedom of choice.
Emotional flexibility refers precisely to the intervals between the feelings that the situation causes us and the behavior that it dictates. It is important to catch this moment, connect rational thinking and make the right decision. But it is more difficult than it seems.
Why? Because our thinking is characterized by rigidity - the tendency to produce patterned reactions to the stimulus, bypassing the stage of analysis. This tendency is especially pronounced in scenarios where a hook is involved - some kind of event or experience, with which we have a lot of negative experience and defeatist attitudes.
Chapter 2: On the Hook
Our brain not only remembers events, but interprets them in a certain way, reveals patterns and wraps everything in accompanying emotions. Thus, judgments, and then whole plots, are gradually formed from simple facts. Naturally, the more extensive and radical generalizations we make, the less they usually correspond to reality. Worse, they are often negative and harmful.
The chain may be, let's say, this: “At this rate, I don’t have time to finish by the deadline”> “I delayed work last week, I always don’t have enough time”> “Half of the department works faster than me, I don’t pull”> I was going to move into this area, still nothing happens, and I will be dragged along in the tail ”> of the installation“ I am a bad worker ”,“ I am a stupor ”,“ I don’t have anything in X ”.
When the script is formed, we will try to apply it wherever possible, at the first collision with a suitable trigger (for example, time trouble or critical comment). When this happens, the “automatic mode” is launched: we no longer think, but simply reproduce the finished chain of reasoning and experiences.
The hook consists of three components:
- The inner barrel organ (the same patterns and settings that we repeat at every opportunity)
- Cognitive fusion (a kind of video sequence to an internal monologue: memories, images)
- Emotional blow (negative feelings that this experience causes in us)
All this is a direct consequence of the specifics of our thinking. People like to create a mental category and distribute objects, phenomena and even those around them. Categorization is, in general, a useful mechanism for avoiding information overload. Thanks to her, we use empirical knowledge to cope with the routine with minimal effort.
However, when we unnecessarily rely on tough, pre-defined categories and adapt to them, we begin to issue standard reactions to new events, without thinking about how suitable they are. People who are hooked to a certain way of thinking, perceive reality distortedly, the wide context of the situation passes by them, which leads to rash decisions.
As soon as the brain switches to automatic mode, it takes effort and a lot of flexibility to get out of it. Accordingly, for those who rely too much on ready-made algorithms, there is a danger that they will never get out of the “go with the flow” mode and miss out on the many options available for a receptive mind.
There are four hooks on which we fall most often:
Hook number 1: Thinking is bad
Decisions are based on assumptions, hypothetical consequences of actions - as if a person disclaims responsibility with the phrase "I thought ...".
"I thought it was not interesting to anyone, so I kept silent."
"I thought that they themselves will understand, and did not interfere."
Hook â„–2: Talking monkey
This is the well-known “internal dialogue” with the image of a real interlocutor, which exists only in our head and for which we ourselves invent remarks, objections, and possibly insults. The conversation is fictional, but the emotions that it causes in us are quite real. This is a great way to set yourself up for the worst outcome, fan the problem and lose a lot of time and energy. The talking monkey throws us out of the present, not giving a neutral space for creative thinking and not allowing us to focus on what is happening at the moment.
Hook number 3: Old ideas from which you have already grown
It so happens that certain behavior algorithms are developed as a defensive reaction to the surrounding reality. At some point, a person finds himself in a different life situation, where they are no longer needed and not effective, but continue to reproduce outdated stereotypes. Often this is a symptom of an old, not worked injury. For example, many children from toxic families, when they grow up and begin to build relationships with partners, adhere to those safety rules that they have developed for themselves in childhood - not to open completely, to avoid conflicts, not to show weaknesses.
Hook â„–4: Excessive directness
Here we are talking more about the desire to get out of the dispute "right" at any cost. Sometimes we forget that the best outcome of the dialogue is compromise and mutual understanding, and we persistently continue to bend our line to the bitter end, although the conversation has already ceased to be productive and turns into an ordinary quarrel.
Chapter 3: How to get rid of the hook?
This question is part of a broader and more fundamental problem: how to treat your feelings in principle? The way we are accustomed to react to the emergence of some kind of emotion, directly affects the resolution of the situation as a whole - whether we go along a trodden path or act according to circumstances.
Different experts offer different options for a basic list of emotions. David accepts the following:
- Joy
- Anger
- Sorrow
- Fear
- Surprise
- Contempt
- Disgust
As we can see, most of them (five of seven) are negative. Consequently, unpleasant experiences will inevitably form an essential part of our emotional life.
Among the strategies that people apply to negative feelings, the following two are particularly popular:
Closure . In an attempt to get rid of the hook, a person leaves his emotions unattended - pretends that nothing is happening and trying to distract himself from other impressions.
The problem here is that, brushing off unpleasant feelings, it is impossible to understand what they are caused by, which means that it will not be possible to find any solution. Serious changes and personal growth are always accompanied by deep and strong emotions, and those who refuse from them are forced to stay in one place for years. In addition, avoidance strategies — conscious efforts not to do something (for example, “not thinking about it”) take up as many resources as active actions. And finally, repressed emotions go nowhere - they accumulate and sooner or later take their own, and not at all in the way you expected (the so-called emotional displacement). A paradox turns out: the conspirators seek to gain control and save energy through suppression, but in the end they have neither the one nor the other.
Winding up Here the situation is reversed: a person cannot let go of a situation, experiencing and analyzing it endlessly. At first glance it may seem that he is on the right track - after all, awareness and acceptance of emotions takes place - but the hacker “wallows” in feelings that are amplified with each new revolution, and never reaches the stage of productive actions.
So, both of these strategies do not work in the long term, although they may temporarily "relieve symptoms." They can be used in certain situations, but in no case can not be turned into familiar mechanisms.
What approach then should be considered productive? The next chapter is devoted to the answer to this question.
Chapter 4. Turn to face
The first step to emotional flexibility is this: to face your problems face to face, reconcile with them and find a way to coexist peacefully. If you treat your demons with sympathy and interest as part of yourself, they lose their power.
“Treat with sympathy” means accepting your thoughts and feelings not as inevitable or unequivocally correct, but as a natural result of the influence of past experience and the current situation. Acceptance of what is is a necessary basis for control and change. And this does not mean that you should try to see only the good - just the non-judgmental awareness of your weaknesses and shortcomings provides an opportunity for growth.
Accepting one's feelings and desires as a given should not be considered a one-time action; it should be a permanent condition for us. Any feelings, reactions, impulses have the right to exist. The changes discussed above will concern concrete actions, not emotions - the strength should go not to fight immediate desires, but to make decisions that correspond to our values.
Note : it is also useful to work on your emotional vocabulary - the ability to notice, distinguish and name various feelings. It is impossible to accept emotion if you do not understand what you are experiencing.
Chapter 5. Distance
Numerous experiments show that one of the most effective ways to work out your feelings is written expression (in other words, splashing pain on paper). Why? Because in this way we take the next step towards emotional flexibility - we distance ourselves from our emotions. Translating feelings into words, we get the opportunity to look at them from the side and gradually move from experience to analysis.
Distance - this is the creation of the gap between the stimulus and the reaction described in the first chapter. Such a gap can be used to fully appreciate the context, recall your goals and values, and choose a course of conduct that relates to them.
The choice is the availability of space for maneuver.
Being on a hook means seeing only one answer, the one that gives us impulses. Moving away from the problem, we, in full accordance with the laws of perspective, get a wider overview of the possibilities, and therefore more flexibility. If we consider each thought as a thing in itself, we will not fall under its control and we will be able to choose how to act with it — develop it, take it as a guide to action, or throw it aside. This skill is called a metaview - a look from above.
The author offers the following distancing techniques:
- Live the process. Categorical - this is rigidity, tune in to the dynamics and continuous development.
- Note the contradictions. Understanding that seemingly incompatible thoughts coexist in your mind (“I am worthless” - “I am not appreciated”), undermines their authority and discourages them from accepting them as a guide to action.
- Laugh. Humor helps and accept the problem, and look at it from an unusual point of view.
- Refer to different points of view. Think about how the situation would look like from another person, a robot, a dog, and so on.
- Call things by their proper names. There is no need to smooth something and correct it - remember that, paradoxically, you do not have to agree with your own thoughts, which means you don’t need to adjust them to the standard.
- Talk about yourself in the third person. This is a cheap and angry way to immediately be mentally out of the situation.
All the techniques described so far have served one purpose: to keep yourself from making mindless decisions dictated by momentary emotions. Turning off the autopilot, plunging into the situation and looking at it with the eyes of an outside observer, we free up space for thoughts of another type. What, then, should form the basis of the decisions?
Chapter 6: Follow Your Path
Following your own path is the art of living, relying on your personal set of values: that is, beliefs and principles of behavior that give meaning to life and bring satisfaction. The next step in achieving emotional flexibility is to identify these values ​​and learn how to follow them when making decisions.
The most difficult thing here is to prevent the substitution of what is important to us, what we are supposed to want. Often we need some reference points, we find them in the surrounding or in ordinary truths, which translates the cultural space. There is a process of so-called social infection.
Not understanding our true desires, we risk replacing them with strangers and actually living life on autopilot.
The author emphasizes that values ​​in her understanding are not about rigid rules of life, but a personal set of guidelines for purposeful activity.
- Values ​​are voluntary, not imposed from the outside.
- Values ​​are a process, not an end goal (i.e. “I want a Nobel Prize” is not a value).
- Values ​​guide, but not limit.
- Values ​​are active, not static.
- Values ​​bring us closer to what we want, free us from social pressure and help us accept ourselves.
- Finally, values ​​are sharpened for practical use.
To get an idea of ​​your own set of values, you should ask yourself the following questions:
- What is most important to me?
- What kind of relationship do I want to build?
- What do I want to do in life?
- How do I feel most of the time? What situations charge me with energy?
- If all the anxieties and all the stress, what would it have become, miraculously disappeared from my life, what new activities would I have?
When you realize what is important to you, the gap between true feelings and actions begins to shrink. Values ​​protect us from infection with negative patterns and give impetus to the right decisions in small everyday dilemmas. Without them, developing will power is difficult and useless.
Chapter 7: Do not stop there: the principle of mini-adjustments
Adaptation of their behavior under the selected values ​​is rather an evolutionary process. than revolutionary. It is not due to a radical coup, but is made up of many small everyday changes - mini-adjustments. The effect of them gradually accumulates, and as a result, the course of our lives is changing dramatically.
Mini adjustments have three main areas of application. You can change:
1. Installations
Installations are basic ideas about the world and our place in it, which determine how we interact with it. They can be both very broad (“People do not change”, “Women are more stupid than men”), and private, relating to a particular personality and its self-perception (“I am not a creative person”, “I can’t drink”). With a change in attitudes, the line of conduct naturally changes as well - adaptation to the “new” reality occurs.
2. Motivation
Motivation like “I want” always works better than motivation like “I must.” Even if an unpleasant decision is fully consistent with our values, you will not get far on bare will-power - you need to connect your own desires. To some extent, this is simply a question of the correct formulation of the goal: it must reflect our true interests so as to generate interest. An incorrectly stated goal relies on external suggestions, negative attitudes or a sense of shame.
Wed: "We need to lose weight, otherwise I will not pull out into the mountains in the summer" and "I need to lose weight, otherwise I’m already looking at me!"
Want-motivation pushes us to look for alternatives, and suggests reasons not to follow the temptation (“In fact, you don’t really want to have a sweet tooth”); need-motivation enhances the temptation, creating a feeling that we are oppressed and constrained ("And so do not eat anything tasty, but what's the use?").
Note : it’s easy to fall into the trap of a “forced-up positive”. Sometimes there is nothing in the situation that could appeal to our “want”. If in some areas this happens often, perhaps there is a need for serious change.
3. Habits
Habit is an automatic response to an often occurring situation caused by an external factor.
Long-term change is always a matter of habit. At a certain moment, we stop making a conscious choice in favor of something every time and raise one or another pattern of behavior into the “default” variant. In fact, this is the same autopilot, which was discussed at the beginning of the book, only in the case of positive changes, it works for us. Habit not only guarantees the reproduction of action, but also frees us mental resources.
How to form a habit?
- Make the desired solution the most obvious or least effortful (keep fruit at home, not chocolate, do not connect unlimited internet to your phone). The environment will decide which pattern of behavior you choose in a hurry, on nerves or after a long, tiring day.
- The principle of the trailer: add a new action to the existing pattern of behavior (you want to practice more in a foreign language - include a foreign blog in the list of sites that you are viewing at breakfast). Over time, it will itself turn into a habit, and you will not have to significantly change the established routine.
- Self-programming: get ready for predictable obstacles in advance, build if-that schemes (“If you are tempted to rearrange the alarm clock, I immediately get up”). So, when you come up with a trigger, it’s more likely to trigger a scheduled reaction, rather than a spontaneous one.
- Shade the general positive attitude thoughts of difficulties. Practice shows that the optimal approach is mental contrast, a mixture of optimism and realism. By overly focusing on thoughts of success, you lose the motivation for real action to achieve it. On the contrary, if you create a realistic mental trajectory from the current situation to the desired outcome, which also has obstacles, you will be set up to overcome them in advance.
Chapter 8: Do not stop there: the principle of the balance
So, we took off the hook, outlined the range of values, began to introduce mini-adjustments in accordance with them and gradually introduced the necessary actions into the habit, having accustomed ourselves to play them on autopilot. Everything seems to be good, but if such automatic actions begin to prevail in our lives, this leads to a lack of growth, boredom and rigidity - that is, exactly what we were trying to get away from at the very first stage.
Such a state, when in a certain area for us there is nothing left that can be considered a challenge to our abilities and all tasks can be performed with closed eyes, is called super-competence. It leaves a feeling of routine and predictability and does not lead to prosperity, even if we are engaged in what is included in our values. The opposite of this state of affairs is situations of super complexity, when we are constantly in tension and forced to give all the best by 150%, which suppresses creative thinking and exhausts the psyche. Emotional flexibility implies a constant balancing between these two states. The next step is to follow the principle of balance.
The balance principle is a search for an interchange point, where the comfort of simple, familiar situations is balanced by intense interaction with the unknown, and even stress. This point defines the area of ​​optimal development in which we could live at the limit of our abilities — without being submerged in the routine, but not tormented by a feeling of powerlessness.
The main obstacle here is our desire for comfort, that is, in essence, for safety. Getting out of the comfort zone is always associated with uncertainty and risk, and evolutionary mechanisms encourage us to avoid unfamiliar and potentially dangerous. Gaps in understanding the situation always cause subconscious fear. For us, a coherent, integral picture of the world is so important that we can go against our own interests, so as not to "break the pattern."
For example : people with low self-esteem to those who have a low opinion of them, as they seek confirmation of their attitudes. Success inspires them with anxiety, which can push on self-sabotage.
Therefore, the difficulties in your life need to enter consciously and metered, keeping the balance between complexity and skill. Experiments show that in mastering any skill there is a so-called zone of stability: a segment in which a person may feel super-competent, but the possibilities for development have not yet been exhausted. The desire for continuous complication of tasks, openness to new information allows you not to get stuck on a smooth part of the schedule.
How to get out of the stability zone?
- Make a choice in favor of an unfamiliar, and not comfortable.
- Select applicable options. At this stage, we include values ​​and determine how relevant a particular skill is for them. The applicable option works in the current environment, but at the same time brings us closer to the future we want for ourselves.
- Develop with every step. Difficulties should become a familiar, integral part of life.
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Compiler's commentary : The ninth and tenth chapters are devoted to applying the described techniques in specific contexts (professional activities and raising children) and do not add anything new in terms of theoretical foundations. In the full version of the book you will also find much more examples from life and detailed metaphors - the text, in the best traditions of American self-help literature, is generously diluted with entertainment content. We also left several paragraphs outside the outline in which we speak about private issues that are more relevant to Western realities and worldviews (the yoke of “positive thinking”, stress-phobia).
If we talk about personal impressions, the ideas that David expresses in different parts of the book do not strike with novelty. About the vaccinated scenarios that a person lives over and over again, for example, Bern wrote in detail, the toxicity of repressed emotions is also a common place in psychology. However, the author very organically weaves various techniques, principles and solutions into a single coherent approach, simplifying and adapting them a little for everyday use. Indeed, there is a desire to try, especially since the technique is very, sorry for the pun, flexible - it does not require large investments of the resource and you can try it on any trifle.
Source: https://habr.com/ru/post/337352/
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