How to get rid of smart employees in your company

Hey, who's the smartest here? Are you the boss and not the smartest in the room? Are you a very big boss and not the smartest in the building? So it is easy to fix! Now I will share my invaluable experience.

1. Lie

Lie as much as possible. To make a lie easier to believe, it must be monstrous. Screw about prospects, promise to pay three, no, five times more than you can afford. Then tell me that you have been misunderstood, or that the person did not live up to expectations and did not fulfill the agreements: “You see, 95% of the work by my unreal date is all the same that zero! Why do you ask for money? ”
')
I have an acquaintance entrepreneur who is lying like he breathes. And he lies so much that he himself begins to believe in his own ... lies. He made this joke many times with many of my rather intelligent acquaintances.

For starters, he multiplied by ten. Suppose an employee comes to him and says: “I want to write a mini-program to optimize some kind of lightweight zagagulinki!” And he answered: “You think a little! Do not waste my time on trifles! Come with you with my capabilities, connections and money we will organize a transnational megacorporation, and you will be a diamond director there! ”

2. Break off

The artist must suffer. Masterpieces must be born under torture. When you listen to another brilliant idea, even if you like it, draw incredibly sour soup, so that your inspired face would ask not just a brick, but a straight concrete block. It is necessary that interesting projects grow not because of, but in spite of!

The aforementioned entrepreneur liked to say something new in spirit to the newly-born co-founder of the multinational corporation: “The business model is not obvious, the monetization is not scalable, there is no novelty in this! Here, for example, how do you spend your family budget? Let's first put your personal finances in order so that you can find the money to invest in our beautiful project. If you feed a person, he will be fed one day, and if you give him a fishing rod, he will be fed all his life! Therefore, we will start your coaching by sending me a daily report of your personal expenses. ”

3. Enter into a stupor

Who said that the smart like when everything is logical. In such a comfortable environment, their talents fade. And you, as a manager, should promote their all-round development and other personal growth.

My familiar acquaintance, when he was pressed against the wall, liked to make some extravagant attack in the spirit: “You and me have obligations, this prevents us from moving further, let's start with a clean slate and write off this debt for your four months salary!”

4. Be capricious

A smart person should be motivated. If he just sits and does his job well, then he quickly becomes bored. Work starts to pall, so every specialist should spend at least 80% of their working time on your whims. Do not forget about the fundamental Pareto law: 20% - business / 80% - whims.

One well-known top manager liked to give the following feedback:

- I consulted with my wife and we decided that the colors are too cold.
- My son says that his classmate will easily write this banking system in PHP.
- This server has not worked out the interface, you need to write not MBs but MBs!
- In the presentation on the second page I found a typo, so I will not look further until you check all 2000 pages.
- Why do you bring me an unformed project, dates are not stamped!
- I will not watch the unfinished project, show me the finished one! Is everything ready? You did the whole project wrong right from the start.
- I do not like - redo it! What don't I like? Everything, so redo everything.

5. Blame

If everything went wrong after your brilliant management, it's time to move on to criticism of the performers, direct insults and fines. Professionals love criticism. The crazier it is, the better. Criticism helps talents grow. This is completely impossible in the complete absence of humiliation.

Let's return to the well-known top-manager:

- You do not feel the client!
- How can you be so Krivorukov?
“You have to redo everything for you!”
- You did not understand the idea at all, think again. But no, it's not that, you are hopeless.
- Well, do something already, even turn on the light! No, turn off the light - in the dark it was better!
- Let's see what you can fix. Here we will fix commas, well, you see, now everything has become good!
- Add you to the nomination “Joke of the Year”.
- I do not have time to explain what you need to do, but in order to work in our team, you have to sweat.

6. Pay as little as possible, fine:

The artist must be hungry. Smart people should work not for salary, but for the idea, for the perspective and experience in servicing your whims!

Another friend of mine is an entrepreneur:

- I have such a cool team that in order to work with me, the interns have to pay me, not me. In Europe, this is a common practice.
- Today I came up with a new fine. Oh, you just got it wrong!
- You're so nosyachil! Think how you punish yourself!
- Say thank you that I just did not pay you a salary, and in fact could recover damages and lost profits!
- I liked everything - here's 50% of the agreed amount! If I didn't like something, I wouldn't pay at all!

7. Do not let them earn!

If the clever man has figured out how to do his job better, and even earn money on it or get a freebie, immediately dismiss! It is also desirable to accuse of fraud or theft and initiate a criminal case. Your main principle is here: “For not figs!” Forging money in your meadow is prohibited! And do not care that the person who earns will hold on to his place, and his positive experience can be spread throughout the company.

One of my friends, the team lead, whose department was filled up with the layout, and the team clearly could not cope with the deadlines, started working with remote workers, and, of course, was immediately charged with kickbacks and fired. And right! There is nothing to improve! Here you are not here.

8. Steal!

Genius must be unrecognized! Assign yourself the ideas of smart people without embarrassment! These clever men are still antisocial and will not be able to properly develop their idea, pack it, give it a gloss.

One friend associate professor successfully postgraduate formulas with errors, added some of his mistakes, published articles and eventually defended himself and became a professor. So you will succeed! Give way to other people's ideas! We need to wrest them from the authors' tenacious clutches, because ideas are like birds, they need freedom!

A very good way is to announce a competition within the company with a good prize, collect ideas, mix the mix of them and announce that no one gets the prize, since “they all didn’t hold out”, but in the end, you came up with the idea. Justice!

Conclusion

Actually, I wanted to tell you how to attract smart people to the company, but it turned out to be boring and trivial. And then I realized that I just don’t have to do this, and I don’t have to attract anyone. Just do not have to arrange hell, circus and the hunt for fresh brains! And then from the clever will not end. Where you can apply your abilities, and no one interferes with this, smart people start themselves like cockroaches.

UPD: Users suggest that I forgot a lot of important points:

1. Save: “Why pay more?”
2. Change the rules on the fly: “Dynamically generated rules”
3. Set the rules for the appearance: "Punk shave his head .."
4. Hire incompetent managers and that without their coordination anywhere: “the most stupid and lowing, it is desirable from the very bottom”
5. Constantly expand the area of ​​responsibility: “Let the programmer work for you at the same time as a cleaner, loader, enikey and advise clients by phone”
6. Change bosses more often.

Write in the comments that have not yet been mentioned from the arsenal of effective managers?