Illustration author: John Kenn



Perfectionism is a problem that looks less like a problem. Fighting for excellence means focusing on high standards, constantly raising the bar, exceeding expectations and accepting new challenges. Then why does perfectionism hinder the achievement of goals?

What is perfectionism

Perfectionism - the desire and inner expectation of the highest level of performance. Problems of makeovers:

1. The concepts of “ideal” and “highest level” are difficult to formulate and almost impossible to evaluate. The goals of perfectionists are fleeting and abstract. If something does not fit the ideal, it must be rejected, replaced or redone. Unacceptable result below the ideal.
   
   
2. Ideals are relative: even if everything is foreseen and created something perfect for everyone, circumstances may change, and then the ideal creation will cease to be so.
   
   

How to notice perfectionism

We do not reach for the lower branch of the tree. Guided by high standards and striving for perfection, we decide that the minimum result is the one that will go down in the Guinness Book of Records.

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Just good is not enough, the results should be outstanding.



We criticize our achievements and never know if we have tried hard enough.

Constantly we return to our choice and doubt the decisions, downplaying the achievements.



As soon as the goal is achieved - we experience ecstasy , but it does not last long. As soon as any shortcoming is discovered, we will start to get hung up, lose sleep and ask questions: “Why didn’t I do better?”, “And if the decision was wrong?”.



We worry about the opinions of others and try to make a great impression. We need to assert ourselves and feel approval. Others expect a lot from us, and we are not going to disappoint them.



We judge others and, as perfectionists, we do not allow ourselves or others to live. Although we are strict, but not hypocritical: there will be no double standards, just all standards are tougher several times than usual.



We love order and cannot live without it, therefore we are able to make long alphabetical lists, highlight important, organize information, straighten, align, shake off invisible dust particles and maintain sterility.

If something is not perfect - you can not sleep well.



We think a lot and spend a lot of time on the selection of wording, analysis, revision, explanation, adjustment and other subtleties.



We love the little things and live in the world of little things, and also notice what others do not see. We will check, recheck, and recheck work once again, because not a single mistake should creep into it.



We miss the point and we don’t see the forest behind the trees. Perfectionism is the ideal way to escape from the main point. The ideal becomes an end in itself, and we often forget about the original goal .

The hidden mechanism of perfectionism: the inability to prioritize

Today, perfectionism is popular, and many proudly identify themselves as perfectionists. To date, there are two types: positive, it is normal, and negative - neurotic perfectionism.



Positive perfectionists struggle to achieve and invest energy in goal setting, problem solving and overcoming obstacles. Reaching a goal is a joy for them, and they are engaged in a task, because it brings them pleasure and gives meaning.



Positive perfectionists are healthy and emotionally stable people.



Neurotic, or otherwise negative, perfectionists are the other side of the perfectionism coin, and this side suffers a lot.



Their goal is to “run away from mediocrity,” and the meaning of life is not in the innate desire to create something grand, but in an attempt to escape from failures because of the fear of being defeated.



While the ideal is equally unattainable for both positive and negative perfectionists: the first are focused on the result, and the second - on the fear of failure.



The unreached goal is a hard blow for negative perfectionists.

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Self-regulation: the main thing should be in the first place.

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How "smells" goal

The type of perfectionism depends on the goals, which gives priority to our brain. Not all goals are equal: some repel, while others attract. It depends on what we focus on - achieving the goal and getting a result or avoiding negative consequences.



The first goals are promotional, and the second is called preventive.



Promotional goals are striving for positive results and maintaining them. For example, to graduate from a university, visit the tropics or find a better paying job.



Such goals are easy to set and easy to formulate, tasks are easily set for them. Working on a promotional goal causes joy and elation, and failure is sad.



Preventing goals is avoiding negative results or reducing consequences. For example, medical examinations that are too frequent to protect against potential health problems, or not wanting to lose your job.



Preventive goals are difficult to achieve, as they will constantly have to run away from what has not yet happened. Pursuing a preventive goal can be infinite.



The pursuit and achievement of a preventive goal causes a feeling of relief and satisfaction, and its failure to achieve - fear, guilt, and anxiety.



In this case, positive feelings are paler, and their achievement is utopia, and because of this, negative feelings will become a constant background.

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Life goals are complex and can have both promotional and preventive traits.

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One way to understand the difference between the two types of perfectionism:

Imagine that we were put in a room and asked to find a spider. We can look around for a long time, but as soon as we find a spider, the task will be completed.



Now imagine: we have to make sure that there are no spiders left in the same room. No matter how closely we looked, even if we do not see the spiders - it is impossible to stop. After all, the spider could crawl into the gap while we turned away. Even if we find him - the work will not end, because there may be other spiders.

Side effects perfectionism

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Perfectionism is a labyrinth without an exit, and it makes us work in vain.

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Perfectionism is one of the main reasons why ideas remain in the head rather than being realized. The idea is still being hatched, but already perfectionism will not allow it to flourish. While the perfectionist thinks, others do.



The difference between perfectionism and procrastination: the main feature of procrastination is the postponement of the task, and in perfectionism the postponement of its completion. In contrast to procrastination, the matter simply does not end, because we are not ready to show the result and share it.



Even perfectionists it is difficult to entrust someone with the task due to fears that everything will have to be redone. If you want to do something well, do it yourself.



Similarly, perfectionists set overpriced others to others and expect that they will not only reach them, but also jump over them. And when it does not come out - they are disappointed in people. At the same time, they also punish those who do not meet exaggerated standards.

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If you are looking for a source of self-doubt, then most likely these are perfectionist parents.

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Perfectionists rejoice in the ideal result less often than it is achieved. And fall into the trap of disappointment - the work done never meets their own standards. The reaction of perfectionists to the reviews - wine and shame. And because of this, the usefulness of constructive criticism is missed, and they become obsessed with what went wrong.



You can be proud of only the perfect result, and therefore there is nothing to be proud of.



Besides disappointment, anxiety and shame, perfectionism provokes many serious problems:

• People with this kind of psyche are usually more prone to depression, because life is not perfect;
• They have eating disorders: bulimia and anorexia, because the body is also not perfect;
• Some suffer sexual dysfunction, they are not perfect in bed either;
• As well as low self-esteem and obsessive-compulsive disorders - "Or I will do everything perfectly, or ... no way."

They find it difficult to communicate with others: they either think that they are constantly condemned, or they expect too much from people and this spoils the relationship.



Perfectionists are more cynical and more stressed, and less satisfied with life and with themselves than others.

How to cope with perfectionism

Prioritize

Perfectionism is when the secondary becomes primary, and the background comes to the fore.

Solution: you need to shift the task from prevention to assistance.



Examples of promoting and preventing:

Assistance	Prevention
Achievement of order : I like when everything is in order	Avoiding clutter : hate clutter
Search reviews : I need another opinion	Avoiding criticism : I don’t care what others say
Production / creation / action : I baked a cake	Avoiding mistakes : it was the worst cake in history
Essential points : I wrote a speech	Adding decorations : I can not find the right words
The main thing: I can not meet the deadline ...	Details : ... and here is a list of reasons why I can not
Learning : I don't know, but I'll figure it out for you.	The image of ignorance : I do not think anyone knows
Informing others : this is what you should know	Location to others : let me tell you what else I know
Mastery : Children are challenged to become the best of parents.	Loss of control : children should not demand it for nothing
Assessment of achievements : today I called four clients	Evaluation of omissions : I have not yet fulfilled the call plan
Expression of joy : I meet old friends whom I have not seen for a long time	Avoiding shame / embarrassment : I hope they won’t ask why I haven’t advanced with my business idea yet
Getting a reward : I want to get good reviews	Avoiding Condemnation : I don't want to get bad reviews

Achievements of goals

To displace targets from the prevention field in the assistance field, four actions are enough:

• Draw a table of three columns: prevention, positive results, assistance.
• Identify preventive targets. To do this, you need to remember everything that you don’t like in life and what you have to put up with, what you want to avoid and what to change, and write it in the first column. Preventive targets contain denial and are often with the “not” particle.
• Describe the positive results that we want to achieve, and make the second column.
• Using the information in the first two columns, reformulate the preventive targets into facilitators and write them into the third column. Important: for new purposes there should not be the word “no”.

Engage in micromanagement goals

Perfectionism quickly and imperceptibly shifts priorities, so you should manage actions at a basic level: track actions from beginning to end, and make sure that each of them serves the fulfillment of a big task and the achievement of a goal.

Consider the pros, not cons

When we start to panic because we are far from ideal, we should stop and appreciate what has already been achieved. Perfectionism is motivated by the fear of not being good enough or the fear of getting a bad grade.



Fact : if we start to bother with shortcomings and flaws in work, then most likely there will be a lot of good sides. The same goes for evaluating other people.



A great example is Rita Pearson, a teacher who works with problem students.

Here is her performance on TED with Russian subtitles:

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Instead of criticizing for shortcomings, it is better to praise for the achievements.

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Need to start from the beginning, not from the end point

Champions and pioneers do not designate end points, instead they put milestones.

Their goal is not to stop and improve the result a little each time.



We should develop the same habit. Milestones are achievable and concrete, they generate promotional goals. They also help set specific, well-defined tasks, rather than abstract and unattainable standards.

It is important to set iron limits.

Setting boundaries is guaranteed to relieve perfectionist obsession. It is important to determine how much resources we are willing to spend on projects and work.



In life, the boundaries are flexible and blurry and you can always spend a little more time, put in a little more effort and invest a little more money to do your job a little better and move on.



It is important to save resources, here are the five most valuable of them and ways to save them:

1. Time: set a time limit and assign a deadline.
   
   
2. Information: determine the final amount of necessary information.
   
   
3. Money: set a limit on the amount of money that is willing to spend on the perfect performance of the task.
   
   
4. Energy: to determine how much effort are willing to spend on the implementation of the goal .
   
   
5. Support: think about what help is needed and how to thank everyone who will support. At the same time, it is important not to fall into the trap of someone else's perfectionism - one should not be allowed to help oneself free of charge.
   
   

Look from the side

An effective way to get out of the networks of makeovers is to look at the situation from the outside.

Here are some ways to do this:

• Take a break and put the current task aside. It is important to give the brain time to rest and open the way to the subconscious.
  
  
• Switch attention and move away from their projects, do something else. For example, working intellectually, it would be good to take breaks for physical labor: cleaning the house, washing dishes and so on.
  
  
• See other people's eyes and show someone their unfinished work.
  
  

A fresh look will help focus on the task as a whole and not get lost in details. Looking from the outside, we will be able to evaluate the work already done and tune in to promotional goals.

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Read more articles on our blog: SmartTalks

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A source:



“Brain with obstacles. 7 hidden barriers that prevent you from achieving goals "Theo Tsaucidis