How to talk with assholes. 7 strategies for communicating with inappropriate people

Inadequate people are everywhere. There are so many of them that some of them are your colleagues, friends or even you. In dealing with inadequate people, logical arguments are inferior to the knowledge of psychology and the motives of the interlocutor. Emotional conversations end in nothing due to the fact that someone behaves inadequately, but because we do not know effective methods of communication in critical situations. The book “How to work with assholes” gives at least 7 such strategies.

Who we will call crazy

In the book "How to talk with assholes," the author cites the concept of "psycho" not as a diagnosis, but as a temporary state at the moment of which a person behaves inadequately. This may be your colleague, friend or even your personal partner. Sometimes we behave in this way.

Goals of psycho

A psycho seeks disagreement in a dispute. He speaks harshly, confidently and thereby confuses us, despite the fact that his arguments may be wrong. Only after the conversation, we understand it. But it happens that we understand the fallacy of the arguments of the interlocutor, but we do not know how to say this correctly. We use patterned techniques that only exacerbate the situation and allow an inadequate person to achieve their own. The result - broken relationships and suspense.
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Ways to communicate with psychos

The author of the book writes a lot about understanding the psychology of an inadequate person, but in this article I will share only practical strategies for communicating with such people.

So, 7 strategies to communicate with inadequate people:

What if you are sent

“Get out!” Or “I don't want to see you anymore!” - we can hear both at work and in personal life. The instinctive answer is to slam the door and leave. It happens, we really are not guilty of anything, and an avalanche of criticism falls on us. We take these words seriously, although we should not do this. When a person is too emotional with his mouth, coarse expressions fly out randomly, unconsciously. If you want to aggravate the situation, start arguing with it or leave, but if you are interested in turning the exchange into a conversation, ask a simple question:

"Do you really hate me so much, or are you just disappointed with what I did?"

These words will help you and your interlocutor to understand the true intentions. In most cases, the interviewee acknowledges that the point is not about you, but about the situation that has upset him very much.

What if you are wrong

Errors are different. It doesn’t matter if it is a career or a personal life, making excuses and asking for forgiveness is almost meaningless. There is a high probability of hearing that your apologies are not wanted by anyone or something else is worse. If you are truly wrong, sincerely admit your guilt and say:

"What do you want me to do?".

What if you don't know what to do

If you have already messed things up in the present, the only way to correct the situation is to transfer the conversation to the future. Say:

“If I say something or do something, everything will only get worse. How do you do this right? ”
“It upset you. How do you want me to do this in the future? ”

What to do if someone is hysterical and says that everything is very bad

Periodically, we see how upset people are, they say that everything is terrible and have no idea what to do next. Instinct correctly suggests that you need to calm the person and we often say "Everything will be fine" or "Calm down." But these words do not work, as they only touch the problem superficially and avoid the interlocutor's feelings. To cope with this situation, use a three-step algorithm:

1. Understand the interlocutor. Listen carefully and let speak.
2. Analyze the facts. Talk, ask a few questions: "Let's see ...", "What is the probability that everything will end well / bad?", "Was there a similar situation? If so, how did they do it then? ”
3. Translate the conversation into the future. Ask: "What will we do right now?"

What to do if your interlocutor has a high opinion of himself

Nerdy are annoying. They use terms, express superficial friendliness and focus only on personal goals. Sometimes these people are really smart. Putting such a person "in place" is not easy. To cope with the situation, say the following:

“You are smart and your results are respectful. Only it’s not worth it to arrogance people to notice your gift. ”

How to respond to sarcasm

An example of a typical dialogue:
- How are you?
- Just like five minutes ago.

In such conversations it is important to catch the sarcasm. Very often we get offended and leave, although there is a great way to cope with the situation. Take a quiet pause and politely continue:

- I understood
- What?
- You want me to leave behind you and leave me alone
[or “so that I can get out of your life,” “that I don't deserve it”]

The interviewee is taken aback, because you read his thoughts. He himself will be ashamed and most likely the dialogue will become calmer.

What to do if you are trying to manipulate

Periodically, we meet people who need something from you. They show false courtesy and try to get you to accept their point of view or to do something beneficial to them. To get rid of an obsessive companion, just tell him:

"I know you are hiding."

Every sociopath is hiding something, so you can’t go wrong in any case.

Instead of conclusion

"Personal happiness is highly dependent on how you perceive and react to events and those around you."

Remember this.

Learn to negotiate, filter the environment and be yourself. And do not try to change yourself. Try to make yourself better.

Sensible communication books

- "How to talk with assholes", Mark Goulston
- “Never Eat Alone,” by Kate Ferrazzi and Tal Rez
- “We turn on the charm according to the method of the special services,” Jack Schafer and Marvin Carlins
- “The Secrets of Great Speakers,” - James Hums
- “Key Negotiations”, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Granny and Ron Macmillan (in the process of reading, but already like it)

Several book reviews:
- 30 intelligent books on business, self-development and creativity that changed my life
- 5 best books novice entrepreneur + 1 advice
- 5 books that will help you to think outside the box and why it is important right now