10 ways to deal with toxic family members

It is believed that the family should initially be loving and safe, but this is not always the case. Some native people are destructive , complex and prone to dominance . It is especially difficult if a parent is a problem family member. How to handle it?

As a child I had a bad relative.
I know that he loved me, but he lacked some vital skills.
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Sometimes it was fun and joyful with him, but there were cases that I did not want to remember. I often faced sharp criticism, abuse, rejection caused by his overstated expectations.

The driving forces of my behavior were shame and guilt. I often could not predict what would irritate this member of my family. I endured explosive and sometimes frantic flashes of rage.

Most of my childhood turned out to be confusing, sad and terrifying. It affects me to this day. Unfortunately, as a child, I did not know how inadequate many of his actions were.

And I did not know how to deal with such treatment. Now, when I matured, we were able to reconnect.
For this, we needed to leave. And each of us had to change our behavior.

We do not always get along, and sometimes offensive remarks still slip through. But now I am able to maintain a relatively pleasant and comfortable relationship with this relative.

It is believed that the family should initially be loving and safe, but this is not always the case. Some native people are destructive, complex and prone to dominance. It is especially difficult if a parent is a problem family member.

There are differences and difficulties in any close relationship.

Everyone has relatives, with whom we are in conflict because of music, decisions on life issues or politics. Usually we spend the necessary effort to work on the problem or just politely smile and do not pay attention to it.
However, toxic relations are called in which one person emotionally or physically spoils the life of another on an ongoing basis.

Such behavior cannot be called acceptable, even if such a person is part of your family.
Your priority should be your health and emotional balance. If someone puts them at risk, you need to correct the situation.

How to determine if someone brings harm?

Here are some examples of the behavior of a problem family member:

• Permanently inserts offensive comments.
• Does not support you if it is unprofitable for him.
• It has an unpredictable, complex character.
• Uses your time, skills or money.
• Emotionally manipulates you to control your behavior.
• Refuses to be responsible for their actions.
• Makes decisions for you.
• Demonstrates a lack of empathy for others.
• He blames you and everyone else for his problems.
• Uses violence or aggression to get what you want.

It is clear that such behavior creates an unhealthy atmosphere and can have a negative impact on your health and well-being . For example, it can cause:

• anxiety;
• depression;
• fear of being close to this relative;
• shame or blame;
• low self-esteem or self-doubt;
• difficulties in forming emotional intimacy with other people;
• inability to trust one's gut or intuition ;
• estrangement from others;
• aggression, as a form of protection;
• trouble sleeping

No one is able to control other people's behavior. It is impossible to force another person to change their actions.
The only thing we can manage while in a toxic relationship with our relatives is our own reaction. You decide how to take care of yourself.

Here are 10 ways to deal with harmful family members.

1. Set boundaries

Determine which relationship is acceptable to you and which is not.
Everybody deserves respect, including you. You deserve to be happy, healthy, loved and feel safe.

Determine what your needs are and how others should treat you to meet them. Then, having introduced point 2, you will ensure the implementation of your decision.

2. Be able to stand up for yourself

When unfriendly family members cross your boundaries, you must stand up for yourself.
Yes, it can be frightening and difficult. But it is important that you tell them straightforwardly and honestly about your needs and expectations.

You will be able to take responsibility for your own life and attitude towards you from others if you let them know that they are doing something unacceptable.

3. Stop making excuses

Do not justify the inappropriate behavior of other people.

Yes, they may try to blame you or someone else. But the truth is that only they themselves are responsible for their decisions and actions.
Justifying someone’s behavior, you support them and allow them to continue in the same vein. If your expectations are reasonable, and you were honest with your relative, then he is obliged to act in accordance with them.

4. Do not be afraid of your emotions.

Communicating with a toxic family member will bring you unpleasant feelings and emotions.
Experiencing anger, sadness, fear, confusion - this is normal. Do not try to get rid of these emotions, but give yourself the opportunity to feel and experience them.

So your body and mind will be able to recycle them, and not drive them inside. In addition, it will prevent the formation of an unhealthy mechanism of psychological adaptation.

5. Do not take everything personally.

It is difficult, but try not to take the words or actions of the harmful relative into your account. He has his own health problems, and they are the source of his behavior.

This is his reflection, not yours. Believe in yourself and your own value, regardless of other people's opinions and observations.

6. Limit time spent together

If a toxic family member makes you feel worse about yourself, you need to limit the time you communicate with him. This is not easy when it comes to the parent, brother or sister with whom you live together.

But even in this case, you can stay in your room, take a walk with friends or walk down the street. If you live separately, simply reduce the number of meetings or the length of visits.

7. Seek help

Interacting with a harmful relative is a psychologically complex and emotionally exhausting task. Therefore, you need to gain strong support from the outside.

Share your problems with loved ones, trusted friends or relatives. Read books about dealing with unfriendly family members to hear other people's stories. So you get more information and find new strategies.

You might be able to find a support group. For example, there are organizations that help those who suffer from alcoholism relatives.

Maybe you want to get professional help from a psychologist to work out toxic relationships and their consequences.

8. Help yourself

Self-help is vital for maintaining mental health. And it acquires special significance in difficult situations.

Take time to meditate, keep a diary, relax in a hot bath, or something else that brings you joy. Daily affirmations will also benefit you.

Treat yourself kindly , cheer yourself up. Concentrate on the good by listing things that you are grateful for.

Remember: your value is not reduced if someone is unable to see it.

9. Be responsive

Despite the complexity of the task, showing compassion for the harmful relative can be beneficial.
However, this does not mean that you should excuse his behavior. It is only a matter of recognizing that he is not a bad person from the beginning. We are all imperfect.

In his current position, he was due to difficult life circumstances or lack of skills. Each of us has our own trouble, which we are trying to cope with, and we all sometimes make mistakes. This is part of human nature.

10. Leave him

If the strategies described above did not help improve the situation, you will have to decide whether you want to see this problematic family member at all.

Ask yourself if this relationship brings you more pain than joy. If the answer is yes, you probably want to remove this person from your life until he treats you with respect.

This may take a couple of weeks or longer. If nothing changes, the gap will be permanent.

Relationships are built on respect, trust, and honesty, and everyone deserves them. The presence of family ties does not mean that you owe something to a person, or that he can treat you as he wishes. This is especially true if the relationship is harmful to your health and well-being.

Use the listed strategies to increase self-esteem and maintain your happiness and health. People can change, which means that together you can restore relationships.

This is not easy and time consuming, but still possible. However, note: the key word is “together.” The desire to work on the situation should be mutual.

Unfortunately, in many cases the relationship is wiser to end. With all your efforts to normalize the situation, you will have to decide which outcome will be best for you and your well-being.

PS We recommend another useful article on the topic of working on yourself - How to learn to control yourself and start living the life you dream about .

Translated by Vyacheslav Davidenko, founder of the TESTutor company