Important years. Decisive decade from 20 to 30 years

Many people, coming to the age of 30, begin to wonder who they are, what to do with them, what they have achieved and how to live on.
Meg Jay, the author of Important Years , argues that the time from 20 to 30 years is a decisive decade. At this time we find a suitable job, we are determined with family, hobbies, friends and the meaning of life. Meg Jay is a psychologist; She specializes in young people between the ages of 20 and 30 and has conducted many psychotherapy sessions with them. She knows what she is writing about.
The article will be useful to young people from 20 to 30 years and those who have friends, acquaintances or relatives of this age.

Decisive decade

It is generally accepted that what happens to a person between the ages of 20 and 30 is not important. Often, young people think that all accomplishments are still ahead, but the important point is very easy to miss and in ten years time you will be left with nothing, faced with an identity crisis.

Our parents lived in a different reality: the family and the first child were already at the age of 21 for most people. The girls were married while studying at the institute; the guys got married and got their first job at the same time. Now there has been a tremendous cultural shift, and the first child is starting in 25-26 years. Young people had time to "know themselves", "get up on their feet." There is a thought in society that you must first arrange your life and “not give birth to poverty”. This is the root of the problem: thinking that we will be in time, we will burn the most important years, instead of making the most significant contribution to our whole future life.
')

Job

Below are some initial situations at the receptions of the author of the book.

1. Kate at 27 years old does not have a job, family, young man, driving license. He is thinking about traveling around Europe in search of himself.
2. Helen worked as a nanny, went to yoga retreats, waited for intuition, dressed as a workout. Engaged in one thing, then another, and for some time enjoyed life. At age 27, friends who had previously envied her adventures began to feel sorry for her. I wanted to take a photo, but it did not bring a stable income.
3. At 25, Ian was lost in an ocean of opportunity. There were so many ways around that the choice of one of them became almost impossible. He had the same friends, and his father and mother said to him: “You are the best! The whole world is at your feet. ” Ian could not or did not want to determine what capital he had accumulated by the age of 25 and where to go next

On the proposal to accumulate capital of identity, some answered: “But this is my last chance to have fun”. Someone is trying to find an easy job that does not meet the qualifications, for example, as a waiter in a cafe or as a seller in a retail store. In essence, this is degradation: if the same time is spent on part-time employment, in the target field of activity, this will be an excellent contribution to the capital of identity. And the capital of identity, in turn, is what will allow in the future to find a more worthy employment option.

“Whom do you want to be at 30? "- this is the key question that Meg Jay asks in his sessions. Not everyone can answer this question, and if they answer, it usually looks like a dream. The young man wants to become a designer and work in Lebedev’s studio or in Yandex, but does nothing for it. But we know that you need to read a bunch of books, make a bunch of works "on the table" and to order, learn how to work in a large team, become an interesting person.

Identity capital - personal assets, resources, investments in themselves. Points in the summary, the manner of speaking, the approach to solving problems. It is this very capital of identity that is not enough to make dreams that in 30 years become a reality.

I must say that the answer to the question “who will you be at 30” is another problem. The fact is that in addition to work there are a lot of things and they need to be planned. For example, the answer to the question is: “I will work in Yandex, I will have a wife, two children and an apartment in Moscow”. Preparation needs to be planned and something will turn out like this:



From the plan it becomes clear that the goals are almost real. But there will be difficulties with an apartment in Moscow: to buy it, you need 13 million. This means that we will have to postpone each month by 217 thousand. If you do not forget to eat, then you need to earn at least 250-270 thousand per month. And when children are born - even more. It seems that you need to either revise goals, or revise the plan of achievement.

Love

Who will accompany you all your life is much more important than which institute you graduated from. It is said that a bad wife is a curse, and a good one is a blessing. The welfare of the family depends on the piety of the wife and her relationship to the spouse. For example, if a woman speaks with her friends about her husband as a monkey, then at work he will be treated in much the same way. These things are subtly connected, although it is not obvious.

Marriage is not a job that can be changed almost painlessly. A bad marriage leaves traces in the soul and in everyday life. It is necessary to solve problems together with the education of children, mortgages and other everyday issues.
Meg Jay consulted a great many women. They talked about cruel bosses, unrequited love, illness, and other things. But the longest and sad stories were devoted to an unsuccessful marriage.

Many people of more than twenty years either don’t take their love relationships seriously, or they think they shouldn’t do that. But for about thirty years they suddenly suddenly have an acute need for marriage. Listen to what they say:

Every time someone on Facebook changes their status to “betrothed,” “married,” or “married,” I start to panic. I believe that Facebook was invented so that lonely people would regret that their lives did not work out.

My dad always says: "If only you didn't become like Aunt Betty." And she is not married.

Every time when a loved one leaves the city and we do not see each other all weekend or, God forbid, the whole week, it seems to me that a week will not pass as we get engaged. I so want to consolidate our relationship.

I do not want to be a balding man at the bar where all his friends have already arranged their lives.

Last year, my boyfriend put a box with a ring under the Christmas tree. But it was not a wedding. It still drives me crazy.

Meetings on Friday and Saturday in the evenings are great until the couples begin to disperse, because being one of the rest is so bad!

Everything that I do where I don’t have the opportunity to meet my future husband is a waste of time.

I had the best guy at twenty-five. But then I thought that I should not connect myself with anyone. Now I have a feeling that I have missed all those guys who were ready to settle down, and I am struggling to marry at least someone.

Family selection

Family is the most important people in our life. We can share secret things with friends, give and receive gifts, have fun together. But ask yourself the question: “Who will help me if I get into an accident? Who will take care of me if I have cancer? ”

They say that the family does not choose, but this is not true. We do not choose our parents, sisters, and brothers, but we choose a spouse who has parents, sisters, and brothers. The guy does not marry only the girl. He takes with her and her whole family. Our ancestors knew this very well, so when parents arranged a marriage for their children, they very carefully approached the choice of family.

This may seem sad because there is no romance. You are not just waiting for your second half to appear, but you understand that the rest of my life depends on the decisions I make. This suggests that you do not forget about one important fact: your relationship with your life partner and his family should bring you joy not only here and now, but also in the future.

Cohabitation

In Western society, it has become customary to cohabit before marriage. Over the past 50 years, the level of cohabitation has increased by 1,500 percent. Young people think that this is a good way to test relationships and avoid divorce. However, such couples are actually less satisfied with their marriage; in addition, in their case, the probability of divorce is greater than that of couples who did not live together before marriage.

And the thing is this.
Firstly, the standards in relation to roommates are much lower than to spouses. We expect from a roommate less than from a spouse. Social obligations are also less. Obligations towards the spouse's family are absent.

Secondly, during cohabitation, we do not think about how we will pay for the mortgage, raise children and care for a sick grandmother. These problems are not discussed, because "we are not married." The cohabitants do not get up at night for the children, they do not go to relatives for holidays when they don’t want to.

Third, time is running out. This is especially true for girls: “I had the feeling that I was passing long-term, never ending tests for the role of his wife. Because of this, I felt very insecure. ”

Fourth, the closure effect. In economics, “consumer closure” is a situation where the choice of one option significantly reduces the likelihood of choosing another after investment has already been made. When you have lived with one person for seven years, it is already difficult to part with it, because a lot of strength has been invested in the relationship. The girl thinks that he is about to marry, but he is not going.
Among my friends there was a situation when a guy powdered a girl’s brain for 8 years, and then went to Petersburg with another one.

Compatibility

Opposites do not attract. This nonsense only works for casual connections. It is impossible to live long with a person unlike you. Meg Jay suggests using a five-factor personality model to assess compatibility. Try to evaluate on this model, first yourself and then the person with whom you build relationships.



Young people tend to think that the spouse will change: stop drinking, learn to work, love children, want to learn. But 10 years pass, but nothing happens and this is the most common cause of divorce. Unjustified expectations and unfulfilled hopes.

Mind and body

Meg Jay writes that between the ages of 20 and 30 you should attend to the following aspects:

Brain development

The most rapid growth of the brain occurs up to 30 years. By the age of 20 his growth is going on, and the active formation of neural connections takes place up to 30 years. That is why in youth it is very important to study and learn. Those neural connections that we use are preserved and activated. And those that do not use - are forgotten and turned off.

Confidence

Confidence is a function of experience. Often we see young people unsure of themselves. They do not understand what to do, they have low self-esteem and consider themselves unworthy of something good: beloved husband, decent work, excellent health.

However, psychologist Anders Eriksson says that to achieve success in some area, you need 10 thousand hours. Those. if you want to achieve success in sports, your sports experience should be not less than 10 thousand hours. If you want to become a good surgeon, gain surgical experience. Not a single professional has become a professional just because he has talent. He just gained valuable experience. 10 thousand hours is five years of work in a given field, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.
Want to succeed in spiritual practice? —Pay 2 hours a day and in 20 years you will achieve success in it =)

Fertility

The age of marriage increases every year. Along with him increases the age of birth of the first child. Now we have this age exceeded 25 years.

“Whether we like it or not, today we have the average age of mothers who give birth to a child for the first time, it is becoming more and more. Over the past year he has reached 25 years. This is an alarm signal. Indeed, a woman wants to be realized, to establish herself in society. ”
Olga Golodets, deputy. Prime Minister of the Russian Federation, 2013

From a biological point of view, for most women age from twenty to thirty years is the most favorable time for conception and childbirth. From thirty to thirty-five the level of fertility begins to decline, and the woman’s ability to conceive a child and endure it drops significantly. At forty, the fertility rate makes a sharp jump down.

In 1970, one out of ten women after forty did not have a child. Now it is one woman in five. It is said that 40% of young married couples in Moscow are fruitless. This means that it is necessary to think about the birth of children not at the age of 30, but at least at the age of 25. And by this time a worthy husband should be found.

The tragedy of our time is that young people set aside the most important thing for later. I know a girl programmer who, at 24, does just that, she writes code day and night. She says that her children will also be programmers. However, I dare to suggest that if everything continues this way, she will have not only children, but even a husband.

Time is not fooled

Meg Jay speaks with his client and draws a life plan on the time line with her words. As soon as the plan is applied to the paper, it starts to scare. Short dialog from the book:

- You are now 26 years old. When are you going to go to law school?
- I do not know. Your timeline makes me nervous - so I can't even think about what will happen next year. But definitely up to thirty.
- Good. If you enter law school at about thirty, you will need [...] In sum, this is at least five years. You will become a real lawyer not earlier than in five years. By the time you turn thirty-five. What do you think about that?
- It seems to be all right ...
- Remind me, please, when are you going to get married? At forty? - I marked it on the timeline.
Rachel began to doubt.
- And give birth to a child at forty-five? Are you sure?
- No, not at all. I meant that everything is still so far away. I don't want to worry about it now.
- That's it. You attribute the solution of these issues to a distant, abstract future. When do you really want to get married and have a baby? I asked, wiping away what had already been noted on the time line.
- I definitely would like to give birth to the first child up to thirty-five and get married before that. I do not want to be an elderly mother.
“Now you speak more consciously,” I said, correcting the time line. - So, you think that in the period from thirty to thirty-five years, you go to law school, get married and give birth to a child. These will be very tense years. How do you like the idea that you will have a child during law school?
- Sounds awful. No, I do not want this. In addition, I may not want to work full day after the birth of the child.
- Can you get married and have a baby now?
- Not! Dr. Jay! I don't even have a boyfriend!
“Rachel, your life is not getting longer.” You plan to do all this from thirty to thirty-five years old, but you say you don’t want to do it all at the same time.
- No I do not want to.
- Then now is the right time to study.
“I think I should also stop meeting so often with random people that I don’t even want to have in my environment,” Rachel said.

Draw your life plan on the timeline. This has already been written a little higher in this article. Until you draw it, you will live chaotically, you will be thrown back and forth, and you will not at all advance towards the goal of life (if you have one). Writer John Irving says this: "I always start with the last sentence, and then develop the plot in reverse order, moving to the beginning of the story." Please write your story too. You can right now.

References:
The book Meg Jay "Important Years" (on Ozone or in the Bookvoed book is cheaper than in publishing)
Radislav Gandapas about work and family
O.G. Torsunov about a man and a woman