12 incredible success stories of Big Data that will happen in 2016
On offended carry water. Any industry that takes place can laugh at themselves. Here sociologists - do not know how. And SMMs are offended constantly. And journalists and their descendants - PR'schiki - have been throwing poppy color for 2000 years with any sidelong glance.
By the way, it was journalists and PR's who blew a big pig from a little baby elephant (Hadoop), which was planted by techies under the guise of the beautiful name Big Data. Now every self-respecting school has its own portal on the Internet, with 10 BigData databases on the Pentium, and if the company has data for 2 servers, then it must open the “Big Data Processing Center” and invite 25 scientists to search for the meaning of life.
We invite you to evaluate the English technological BigData-humor and calculate how many of the 12 success stories are applicable to your company.
')
Every year I ask myself the same question. Will there be any serious and credible success stories for Big Data this year? And every year it turns out that my hopes were in vain. Absolutely and completely. “Sorry, but there are no places in the Big Data Success Inn hotel, we are closed for holidays . ”
But this year, everything will definitely be different - more positive, more lively and more incredible.
As you probably already guessed, I am very glad that I finally had the opportunity to tell you twelve most incredible stories about how Big Data will lead to success in 2016. Year of stunning (pre) red monkey named Big Data.
And for the sake of this rare occasion, I made special efforts to write this text in order to fully justify the importance of this milestone in the history of Big Data and convey to my demanding readers only the most qualitative data.
So, I looked at Madame Frufru's crystal ball, contacted von Neumann, Babbage and Jobs spirits, communicated through gaps in space and time with Ada Augusta, Audrey Totu and Jennifer Saunders ... and finally returned, taking only the best with me.
It remains only to hope that my efforts were not in vain.
So, I present you the 12 most incredible success stories of Big Data in 2016.
1. The use of Big Data will lead to a significant reduction in government spending.
2016 will be the year in which common sense will prevail and pragmatic governments around the world will actively use Big Data, which will lead to a drastic reduction in government spending. Dear dogmatists will be replaced by educated and caring analysts of the Data, who will be able to deliver the “correct reports” guaranteed and 10 times cheaper.
Although there is no doubt about it, but if this works, then other professions will also experience the magic medicine called Big Data. Why pay more money to a professional Doctor, Teacher or Policeman, when the Scientist-Pillmaker, Scientist-Teacher and Scientist-with-Wand can replace them for a much smaller amount?
2. Big Data will help to cope with the problem of excessive consumption of chewing gum in Singapore
(Approx. Translator: spit out the cud on the streets of Singapore - a serious crime, punishable by a huge fine) Criminals, mercilessly chewing on radical polymers - the storm of an honest Singaporean pedestrian. But in 2016 this situation will finally change. Why? And because Big Data will help identify, track and stop these pavement pests, even though their breath will give peppermint. It may seem that such a violation is unworthy of harsh penalties, but remember, if Hadoop claims that “this” is a crime against humanity, and these words are also supported by expert analysis of social media, then most likely this is the ultimate truth.
3. Big Data will solve the problem of climate change.
Following the incredibly successful discussions on the climate change issue in Paris, 2016 will be the very year when the approaches and ways to resolve this important issue are completely changed. Climate change will no longer be perceived as a problem, but only as an excellent opportunity for capitalism in general, and for Big Data in particular. We will no longer take temperature measurements, we will use Big Data technologies to collect opinions on climate change from social media, and they will be an indicator of the effectiveness of our struggle with the overheating of the atmosphere. Big Data will point the way, followed by 10,000 sun-shutters, walking freezers and other robots to solve the problem.
4. Big Data will help return the “Real” (Madrid) in the pantheon of winners
Although the BBC (Bale, Benzema and Cristiano) may not like this, in 2016 Big Data will triumph in sports, mainly due to its ability to help the Real Football Club win the Champions League, the Spanish National Championship and Spanish Cup. Even in spite of the fact that incomparable players were knocked out of the final stages of these competitions (for putting a player named Big Data, whose participation was prohibited). Well, yes, Big Data cannot always guess, but nobody is perfect.
5. Big Data will supplant data storage
In 2016, Big Data will finally send data centers and data warehouses to rest. Some doubts on this score were long overdue, but in 2016 we will finally get irrefutable evidence that the best help in making strategic, tactical and operational decisions is simply large numbers of counted words collected and stored on everything that is cheapest and not - move (Commodity hardware).
6. LinkedIn will finally publish its Big Data success story.
Incredibly, this is almost a fait accompli. In 2016, LinkedIn will wake up from the sleep of its staff BigData-guru, so that he wrote a clear and believable success story of Big Data in the company. It doesn’t matter that he borrows a bit from the facts from his competitors, and the story will resemble the success story of the standard data warehouses of the late nineties - participation is not as important a victory.
7. The Queen will proclaim the whole lake Big Data
In 2016, Royal Highness will proclaim the former Lake Windermere (the largest lake in England) by Big Data Lake and Princess Diana Memorial at the same time. Millions of her loyal subjects will converge - this is a clear success for both Big Data and for England as a whole. The festive atmosphere of the proclamation day will be slightly spoiled when the Duke of Edinburgh himself asks the staff BigData – guru to “take up work at last”.
8. Storage of Big Data will become the most important problem of the European Union.
In view of the exceptional value and incredible speeds of creating Big Data, the European Union will take steps to ensure that all data finds its place in the repository. All citizens of Europe will understand that not a single kilobyte of precious should be lost. And Chancellor Merkel already has a solution: most of the Big Data collected will be placed in both private and public spaces.
For example, every law-abiding German family will place some Big Data volumes at home, determined by the size of the apartment, the speed of the Internet and the total number of smartphones belonging to the family. France and Spain will follow the example of Germany, but, as always, they will slightly correct the obligations downwards. The UK will spend most of 2016 trying to abandon the European trend, threatening even with a BigData – referendum, if the storage burden for England is not significantly reduced. An unequivocal win for Big Data!
9. CIA will become responsible for storing all Big Data
In 2016, the CIA, together with the security guards of Fort Knox, will be responsible for storing Big Data, and access will be received only by those who are required to do so by a high position. Thus, the information will remain in safe hands and will not get to any kind of criminals, villains and other pests. This is, without a doubt, another success for Big Data, as once again shows their importance.
PS The head of the FBI declined to comment.
10. Big Data will solve all global problems.
For many years now, we have refused to notice the elephant in our room. But finally, with the help of Big Data, we will not only be able to see, but also get a solution to any problem with just a click of the mouse or an elegant movement of a finger on the screen of a smartphone.
You heard right, the problems of hunger, poverty and an oversupply of refugees in 2016 will be noticed by society, and all thanks to Big Data. Moreover, it will induce the “big shots” from the government to start looking for solutions! For Big Data, this will be a difficult year, especially since all world attention will be focused on the European Football Championship, the Olympic Games and the war on terrorism. A big step for both Big Data and for all of humanity.
11. More than a million success stories of Big Data will be recorded before the end of the year.
Thanks to a global, socially responsible and motivated universal striving for a better life, the initiative to change the destination of Microsoft Access and Microsoft Excel - as Big Data repositories - the number of stories of successful use of Big Data will instantly exceed one million! And this is only in our town Milton Keynes.
12. Democratic elections will be replaced by Super Democratic elections through analytics in social media.
Tired of waiting for rare elections every 4-5-6 years? And every time you just can not decide who to give your unwanted voice? Forget about the problem! Thanks to advanced technologies for analyzing social media, from 2016 you will no longer participate in elections directly - your choice will be determined with the help of a clever machine algorithm, automatic determination of tonality and other analytical gizmos - one hundred percent democracy is guaranteed! After all, this is what you have been waiting for all this time.
The end of the incredibly boring and tedious election process and the advent of the brave new world of interactive Internet policy. No, this is not a convention of democracy and the denial of many years of struggle for human rights, but Progress with a capital "P".
By the way, it was journalists and PR's who blew a big pig from a little baby elephant (Hadoop), which was planted by techies under the guise of the beautiful name Big Data. Now every self-respecting school has its own portal on the Internet, with 10 BigData databases on the Pentium, and if the company has data for 2 servers, then it must open the “Big Data Processing Center” and invite 25 scientists to search for the meaning of life.
We invite you to evaluate the English technological BigData-humor and calculate how many of the 12 success stories are applicable to your company.
')
Every year I ask myself the same question. Will there be any serious and credible success stories for Big Data this year? And every year it turns out that my hopes were in vain. Absolutely and completely. “Sorry, but there are no places in the Big Data Success Inn hotel, we are closed for holidays . ”
But this year, everything will definitely be different - more positive, more lively and more incredible.
As you probably already guessed, I am very glad that I finally had the opportunity to tell you twelve most incredible stories about how Big Data will lead to success in 2016. Year of stunning (pre) red monkey named Big Data.
And for the sake of this rare occasion, I made special efforts to write this text in order to fully justify the importance of this milestone in the history of Big Data and convey to my demanding readers only the most qualitative data.
So, I looked at Madame Frufru's crystal ball, contacted von Neumann, Babbage and Jobs spirits, communicated through gaps in space and time with Ada Augusta, Audrey Totu and Jennifer Saunders ... and finally returned, taking only the best with me.
It remains only to hope that my efforts were not in vain.
So, I present you the 12 most incredible success stories of Big Data in 2016.
1. The use of Big Data will lead to a significant reduction in government spending.
2016 will be the year in which common sense will prevail and pragmatic governments around the world will actively use Big Data, which will lead to a drastic reduction in government spending. Dear dogmatists will be replaced by educated and caring analysts of the Data, who will be able to deliver the “correct reports” guaranteed and 10 times cheaper.
Although there is no doubt about it, but if this works, then other professions will also experience the magic medicine called Big Data. Why pay more money to a professional Doctor, Teacher or Policeman, when the Scientist-Pillmaker, Scientist-Teacher and Scientist-with-Wand can replace them for a much smaller amount?
2. Big Data will help to cope with the problem of excessive consumption of chewing gum in Singapore
(Approx. Translator: spit out the cud on the streets of Singapore - a serious crime, punishable by a huge fine) Criminals, mercilessly chewing on radical polymers - the storm of an honest Singaporean pedestrian. But in 2016 this situation will finally change. Why? And because Big Data will help identify, track and stop these pavement pests, even though their breath will give peppermint. It may seem that such a violation is unworthy of harsh penalties, but remember, if Hadoop claims that “this” is a crime against humanity, and these words are also supported by expert analysis of social media, then most likely this is the ultimate truth.
3. Big Data will solve the problem of climate change.
Following the incredibly successful discussions on the climate change issue in Paris, 2016 will be the very year when the approaches and ways to resolve this important issue are completely changed. Climate change will no longer be perceived as a problem, but only as an excellent opportunity for capitalism in general, and for Big Data in particular. We will no longer take temperature measurements, we will use Big Data technologies to collect opinions on climate change from social media, and they will be an indicator of the effectiveness of our struggle with the overheating of the atmosphere. Big Data will point the way, followed by 10,000 sun-shutters, walking freezers and other robots to solve the problem.
4. Big Data will help return the “Real” (Madrid) in the pantheon of winners
Although the BBC (Bale, Benzema and Cristiano) may not like this, in 2016 Big Data will triumph in sports, mainly due to its ability to help the Real Football Club win the Champions League, the Spanish National Championship and Spanish Cup. Even in spite of the fact that incomparable players were knocked out of the final stages of these competitions (for putting a player named Big Data, whose participation was prohibited). Well, yes, Big Data cannot always guess, but nobody is perfect.
5. Big Data will supplant data storage
In 2016, Big Data will finally send data centers and data warehouses to rest. Some doubts on this score were long overdue, but in 2016 we will finally get irrefutable evidence that the best help in making strategic, tactical and operational decisions is simply large numbers of counted words collected and stored on everything that is cheapest and not - move (Commodity hardware).
6. LinkedIn will finally publish its Big Data success story.
Incredibly, this is almost a fait accompli. In 2016, LinkedIn will wake up from the sleep of its staff BigData-guru, so that he wrote a clear and believable success story of Big Data in the company. It doesn’t matter that he borrows a bit from the facts from his competitors, and the story will resemble the success story of the standard data warehouses of the late nineties - participation is not as important a victory.
7. The Queen will proclaim the whole lake Big Data
In 2016, Royal Highness will proclaim the former Lake Windermere (the largest lake in England) by Big Data Lake and Princess Diana Memorial at the same time. Millions of her loyal subjects will converge - this is a clear success for both Big Data and for England as a whole. The festive atmosphere of the proclamation day will be slightly spoiled when the Duke of Edinburgh himself asks the staff BigData – guru to “take up work at last”.
8. Storage of Big Data will become the most important problem of the European Union.
In view of the exceptional value and incredible speeds of creating Big Data, the European Union will take steps to ensure that all data finds its place in the repository. All citizens of Europe will understand that not a single kilobyte of precious should be lost. And Chancellor Merkel already has a solution: most of the Big Data collected will be placed in both private and public spaces.
For example, every law-abiding German family will place some Big Data volumes at home, determined by the size of the apartment, the speed of the Internet and the total number of smartphones belonging to the family. France and Spain will follow the example of Germany, but, as always, they will slightly correct the obligations downwards. The UK will spend most of 2016 trying to abandon the European trend, threatening even with a BigData – referendum, if the storage burden for England is not significantly reduced. An unequivocal win for Big Data!
9. CIA will become responsible for storing all Big Data
In 2016, the CIA, together with the security guards of Fort Knox, will be responsible for storing Big Data, and access will be received only by those who are required to do so by a high position. Thus, the information will remain in safe hands and will not get to any kind of criminals, villains and other pests. This is, without a doubt, another success for Big Data, as once again shows their importance.
PS The head of the FBI declined to comment.
10. Big Data will solve all global problems.
For many years now, we have refused to notice the elephant in our room. But finally, with the help of Big Data, we will not only be able to see, but also get a solution to any problem with just a click of the mouse or an elegant movement of a finger on the screen of a smartphone.
You heard right, the problems of hunger, poverty and an oversupply of refugees in 2016 will be noticed by society, and all thanks to Big Data. Moreover, it will induce the “big shots” from the government to start looking for solutions! For Big Data, this will be a difficult year, especially since all world attention will be focused on the European Football Championship, the Olympic Games and the war on terrorism. A big step for both Big Data and for all of humanity.
11. More than a million success stories of Big Data will be recorded before the end of the year.
Thanks to a global, socially responsible and motivated universal striving for a better life, the initiative to change the destination of Microsoft Access and Microsoft Excel - as Big Data repositories - the number of stories of successful use of Big Data will instantly exceed one million! And this is only in our town Milton Keynes.
12. Democratic elections will be replaced by Super Democratic elections through analytics in social media.
Tired of waiting for rare elections every 4-5-6 years? And every time you just can not decide who to give your unwanted voice? Forget about the problem! Thanks to advanced technologies for analyzing social media, from 2016 you will no longer participate in elections directly - your choice will be determined with the help of a clever machine algorithm, automatic determination of tonality and other analytical gizmos - one hundred percent democracy is guaranteed! After all, this is what you have been waiting for all this time.
The end of the incredibly boring and tedious election process and the advent of the brave new world of interactive Internet policy. No, this is not a convention of democracy and the denial of many years of struggle for human rights, but Progress with a capital "P".
Source: https://habr.com/ru/post/298416/
All Articles