The Psychology of Failure, or the Art of Fall: How to Relax and Enjoy

In the SmartProgress blog, we have already talked about the charms of procrastination, the psychology of setting goals and the response of our brain to multitasking. Now it is time to talk about what we all face and what we fear. About failures. Defeats cannot be a pleasant experience, and, unfortunately, we are not able to foresee everything and completely shut ourselves off from them. But we can learn to control ourselves. For this, you only need to understand what is happening in our mind and subconscious when we fail.


As it is not striking, but our mind fools us, forcing us to believe in those things that are far from reality. It is very important to be able to distinguish truth from deception and transform their failures into valuable (albeit bitter) experience.
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To begin with, let's discuss a couple of striking facts about how failures change our perception of reality, and see why our subconscious mind often plays bad jokes with us.

Blowing out an elephant from a fly ...

After we failed, our goal, which we failed to achieve, seems far less reachable.

Eloquent confirmation of this phenomenon were the results of research conducted by American psychologists. A group of people were given the task of hitting the ball with the crossbar, while the field on which the research was carried out remained unmarked. Remarkably, for those who failed, the crossbar seemed to be located farther and higher from them than it actually was - and what those people who successfully coped with the task saw.

In other words, failures automatically distort our perception of our goals, and they begin to seem more inaccessible than we had previously imagined. It's amazing how our assessment differs from reality.

Elephant and pug

The most annoying thing is that we fool ourselves not only by overestimating our goals, but also by underestimating ourselves. The bitterness of failure affects our self-perception: in our own eyes we begin to underestimate our ability and intelligence, we believe that we do not have enough talent or certain moral qualities to achieve goals. It is not true!

Chain reaction, or how our brain works when we fail

Helplessness

In case of failures, most people feel their own helplessness. Why does this happen? The fact is that we get psychological trauma, and our mind in response to this trouble, without asking permission, begins to take action, trying to isolate us from further pain. How? It makes us feel complete hopelessness and lose faith in the fact that we are generally able to do something to achieve success in the case in which we failed. So our consciousness protects us from further failures. Only here there is one side effect that mother nature obviously did not take into account: along with the danger of defeat, such a scenario takes away from us the possibility of success.

Fear

Having failed only once, we can “acquire” a chronic subconscious fear of defeat. Some people believe that they are “afraid of success.” They are mistaken - in fact they are terrified of failure, even though it is not easy to admit. A huge problem with fears is that most of them are subconscious. Therefore, we are not able to evaluate them, to understand whether they are real, justified or completely irrational. And we can, without even knowing it, avoid all that is connected not only with potential failure, but also with potential success.

Fear of defeat is contagious.

Yes, this may seem like a surprise, but the fear of failure is contagious. And parents pass it on to their children. People who are afraid of defeat themselves tend to react nervously to the failures of their children - and the latter subconsciously begin to perceive failure as something unacceptable.

Chain reaction

Thus, our minds from “the best intentions” cause us to do things that in the long run will make us unhappy, although they are designed to protect us from unpleasant emotions associated with failures.

A vivid example of this is subconscious self-sabotage. Those who are unfamiliar with this term, I can assure you that most of us have come across this in life at least once, and some have even achieved a certain skill in this unusual endeavor. Self-sabotage is a model of human behavior, in which he himself contradicts and prevents himself from achieving his goals. Have you ever experienced confusion when you want to do something, but, on the other hand, find a lot of reasons for procrastination? Here it is necessary to add disbelief in oneself and in one’s bright future, and often envy of other more successful homo sapiens.

Then a person comes up with excuses for his failure and creates situations himself that can both justify his defeat in his own eyes and protect him from the convictions of others. This may include the exaggeration of the importance of some side problems, making decisions that obviously interfere with success. It also doesn’t do without “hardcore”: such psychosomatic symptoms as exaggerated stomach pain and headache are what we direct ourselves to in search of the desired “distraction factor” that will prevent us from progressing towards our goal.

Here, for example, a student who wants to pass the exam, but until the last one is playing the fool, and then on the evening before the "Doomsday" goes to the party, does nothing but sabotage. And he has an explanation why he failed the exam - he had too much fun and did not sleep much.

This is such an irony, my friends, - subconsciously, we want to protect ourselves from failures, but we ourselves doom ourselves to them. As a result, we have no choice but to take everything into our own hands.

How to deal with it

Failures are dangerous because failure makes us believe our own helplessness - that is what most people feel. Failure can greatly suppress us, make us feel hopeless, give rise to both conscious and subconscious fears, cause anxiety. But we can take a punch. You just need to pick the right weapon.

New view on failures - learn to fall

Hack on your nose that those peaks that you wanted to reach, but failed, remained in the same place where you were before your failure. All that has changed is your perception and attitude towards them. So we need to try again to believe in ourselves and get rid of the veil that prevents us from seeing the obvious: we took a step and stumbled, stuffed cones and got experience, and maybe even a little bit of progress. At the same time, our goal did not fall from its place and did not disappear across the ocean - it did not become more difficult, the road to it did not become more thorny than it was before our fall.



It's time to get up and try again - and it is possible that the previous bitter experience can save us from some setbacks in the future. Try to perceive failure as a lesson that will further help us achieve success.

Need to know your enemy by sight.

To do this, you must carefully study the problem that you failed. To break it into those aspects that you are able to control, and those that are not dependent on you. Then go through the list of things you cannot influence, and think about what you need to do to get them under control. Perhaps careful planning, communication, training, additional knowledge or skills will help you? Then focus your attention on everything that you can change. It will be a good antidote of helplessness and depression, which will accelerate the healing of spiritual wounds caused by failure and help you achieve success.

purpose

If you are defeated on the way to your dream, this does not mean that you are unworthy of it. Perhaps you just had to break it into tasks, the solution of which, step by step, will bring you closer to what you want. You can read about the art of setting goals here .

Planning

This is the next step. Since the previous scheme of actions has let you down, now you need to carefully plan your new path to the goal, given the pitfalls that you have already swooped down on. Do not forget about plan B - perhaps it was his absence that led you to failure. If you think in advance about the methods of retreat, then the fall will not be something tragic - it will just be a transition from one tactic to another.

Motivation

Overcome fears and cope with feelings, gain faith in yourself and see the way to your goal, you will help people. Refer to your loved ones, to those people who have succeeded in what you burned. They will help you understand that failure is normal, and we all make mistakes. Try to train with a coach or find a mentor. They will teach you to rise after the fall and move on. For some reason, many people think that they don’t need third-party assistance - but this isn’t true, it’s much easier for us to achieve our goals in a team of like-minded people who will be motivated to new achievements.

In the spaces of SmartProgress, you will find thousands of stories of people who, despite the setbacks, managed to achieve their goals - precisely because of a good plan and the support of other people. So, this is up to you!

Skill skill - plus in karma

Strangely enough, but it is fit to compare human willpower with muscles - without proper exercise, it will atrophy, and it requires rest when it is overstrained. Our brain needs glucose so that it can not only think clearly, but also show enough willpower to fight with itself, procrastination and other difficulties. Therefore, watch how much effort and willpower you show during the day, and do not forget to take rest breaks and snacks (indulge your brain with glucose).

We hope this article has been helpful to you. For her writing, TED speeches were used by psychologists Guy Winch (Guy Winch), Shawn Achor and Kathryn Schulz, as well as Guy Winch's publications.