Dealing with an emotional response

When someone breaks down on you, because their work process must be profitable, or because you have presented a concept that does not fit their foundations, it is very easy to take these words into your account and get excited. But people have the right to show their emotions. They are not always able to stay sane (and you don’t have to always accept this behavior), but this is part of our work to listen to them.

When I was involved in content management time management at university, I witnessed tears and breakdowns due to font color, training requirements, form fields, and access levels. It took me years to study the behavior of people in order to understand that I am responsible for accepting these emotions. I could no longer take into my own account people who "do not understand the meaning of the network" or "who do not see the whole picture." All these excuses did not lead to anything when angry people suddenly appeared in my office. And that was unfair.

So how can you turn unpleasant bursts into productive conversations?

Look for signs and choose your strategy.
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Testing emotions is not the most popular psychological process. Only as a real person can you treat the emotional state of other people with understanding. And, oddly enough, it is really difficult.

Instead of letting go of the remark in your defense, gather yourselves and try to understand what caused this surge. Psychiatrist Dan Siegel argues that if you call our emotions, we have a chance to break out of their tight embrace. Of course, I am not a psychiatrist, but after years of observing people who create network products together, I noticed that people are starting up for four main reasons:

• Security
• freedom
• Individuality
• Dignity

If we look at the signs that explain what is behind the harsh comments, we can try to defuse the situation and move on.

Calming Insecurity

Work on network products involves a large number of changes. We test new technologies, test different processes, work with different clients, introduce new practices. It's pretty easy to feel a few steps behind. All who provide direct support know what it is when people encounter something new and unfamiliar.

“FIX IT IMMEDIATELY.”
"I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON!"
“I AM TRYING, BUT IT DOES NOT WORK. IT'S BROKEN. ”

The CMS user may not be able to update the system. The sales representative may be trying to transfer a new analytical report to the client. If everything does not work out well enough, after such letters there are phone calls or visits to the office. In my experience, this can even lead to summits with furious department heads who express concern that the web development team treats everything carelessly.

Such agitated reactions often mean that people feel unsafe. They took a few steps beyond their everyday space and feel insecure. In the end, they feel the fear of the unknown. Fear throws adrenaline bombs that put us in a “fight or run” mode, which is why we like to bully ourselves, and therefore people get annoyed and hang.

By observing these kinds of reactions, we will be able to find the context and determine what leads to a sense of insecurity. We switched to a new CMS and now a colleague is trying to re-understand how it works? The marketer is urgently preparing for the meeting and forgot how to send reports?

When we understand their emotions, we can identify their basic needs, and then:

• Avoid accusations.
• Take the conversation away from doing something wrong or misunderstanding something. Instead, let them know that you are happy to help them and you can sort things out together.
• Match words to make people feel comfortable. Using professional jargon in speech is the easiest way to make someone who is not in your environment feel even more insecure. Instead, treat the conversation as an opportunity to help colleagues and clients increase their sense of confidence.
• Leave your knowledge with you. In addition to simply correcting errors and giving a brief explanation, try to find a couple of resources that will help a person understand your area a little better. I once worked with a designer who sent me links to articles after we had overcome a rather complicated conflict. Instead of protecting his knowledge, he directed me to resources, as a result of which I was able to feel more confident in the future.

Fight for freedom

No one likes being told that he shouldn’t do anything. But networking, whether it's enterprise content management, development, or design, involves many limitations. Workflows dictate who can and who cannot publish pages. Browsers and devices limit keystrokes. Content templates impair layout flexibility. As I said, a bunch of restrictions. And inevitably all of our limitations can cause resistance.

In the context of an enterprise, we sometimes encounter those who disagree, because they want more personal independence. During my time at university, I came across professors and directors who refused to attend CMS classes or neglected architecture standards. They openly condemned such management practices, as they wanted to go on their sites without following the institution's processes.

In an agency environment, the implementation of optimal standards can make others feel as if they failed. When we refuse to respond to requests from our sales agents and customer representatives, their disappointment in our restrictions does not so much affect personal freedom, but rather the desire to do work. They do not want to let the customer down, so they will insist that this is extremely important.

When it comes to freedom issues, we can ask ourselves the following questions:

• What are you trying to do?
• How do our limitations prevent you from doing your work?
• What alternatives do we have?

Then we must reveal the cards and show them what exactly we don’t like. If a client representative makes a request at the last minute to add a piece of content that will change the functionality of the entire template, we can take the CMS, show him how the template works, and emphasize what changes to it will lead to. Or, if the enemy web editor constantly violates the practices of basic usability, we can convene a meeting, go through examples of user interaction that we would like to create (and avoid), and look for new ways to achieve their goals.

It would be more polite on our part to offer them all our knowledge and try to reach an understanding, instead of hiding behind a veil of technical concepts. Also, don't be afraid to change your mind. If you understand their motivation, logic, and reasoning, you can change your processes or tactics. This is normal. You do not need to always defend your opinion as an expert.

We convince those who are in search of individuality

One of the most delicate emotional reactions that we encounter is when people experience the problems of finding individuality. A new employee wants to establish his role. The new team leader wants to redirect the project, as he has many years of experience. The company decided to rebrand, and the writers who worked for it for many years must find a new style.

“I have been using Drupal for over 10 years. I don't understand why this is not an obvious choice. ”
“Of course, I know about QR codes. I used them. Therefore, we need a QR code »
“This makes my strategic planning team. This is not your job. ”

Working as a contractor or consultant, I prepare myself for the fact that I will hear similar comments from those who are trying to put me in my place when I join the team. I don't blame them. They just want to appear valuable members. And me too.
Instead of criticizing them, defending their experience, I strengthen their sense of their own individuality by offering to share their knowledge and experience. A useful quote from “tell me more about that” (tell me more about this) by Christina Halvorson:

“We are pleased that you have become a member of the team. We need your experience. Tell us more about what you know about it ”or“ It sounds great. Tell me more about how a QR code will help us attract traffic. ”

Convincing the others, asking them to share their experiences, does not mean that you have to agree with their ideas. But it helps to calm them down with their defensive tactics, not to look like the enemy and move the conversation to a more fertile ground.

We restore a sense of value and dignity.

Emotions do not always appear in the form of loud statements or rude letters. Sometimes people just leave. At university, I noticed that one partner suddenly fell silent. But the fact that I no longer heard his screams did not mean that everything was fine. He dropped everything and stopped supporting the site, to the detriment of its users. I understood that it was our mistake, because we did not listen to him.

Usually people leave if they feel that they are not listening, and all the time. It is possible that in a large organization the project of the head of the department is constantly thrown into the back of the line, so he gives up. Or maybe the young developer feels that he is in the shadow of the older ones. They do not climb into the general conversation, because they believe that it does not matter.

The good news is that we can increase our sense of value and self-worth through such simple things as listening and allowing people to be themselves. Margaret Wheatley, known for her organic approach to organizational behavior, believes that the meaning lies in the presence of, and not in the stereotypical strategy.

We spend so much time on complex group processes focused on team building, problem solving, effective communication, etc. But what happens when we forget about technology and just participate in each other's life? Have you noticed what happens to you and the rest of the people when we really listen to each other?

What is the conclusion? We need to make an effort to be present and recognize people as we go about our daily routine. How?

Invitations. Attract the rest to your conversations. If the developer looks silent at the meeting, ask his opinion (even if it does not concern the development). If you are working on a new approval process, invite one of your most experienced writers for coffee and ask him how changing the process can make his work easier.

Separate praise and recognition. In their book How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work (How our communication can change our work), researchers Robert Kegan and Lisa Lascoay Laei advise us to pay more attention to compliments if we want people to know that they matter to us.

Access . If you work in large systems that offer a clear and reliable support channel, ensure all participants have the same access to be heard. And holding open seminars can provide your colleagues with regular face-to-face communication and space to share problems.

Ultimately, it takes time to listen and acknowledge the rest, and in the fast moving chaos of web development, strategy or release, we don’t have extra time to pay attention to something that doesn’t directly require this attention. Therefore, we should try to always be close.

These arguments may seem too general. And, frankly, it is. It is easy to look from the side when we are not at gunpoint. But, in essence, we are not logical creatures. We rush in and outraged. It is very difficult for us to remain balanced.
Therefore, when emotions overwhelm us, we need to do everything possible to accept them and not to take it personally. Only with the help of non-defensive tactics can we accurately assess what causes such a reaction. If we can detect a problem, be it security, freedom, individuality or self-esteem, we will have the opportunity to turn the conversation in a different direction. Therefore, the next time when someone rumbles at you, moderate your ardor, take a deep breath and stay close to this person.