How successful people deal with their toxic opponents

Unfriendly people (also referred to as “toxic people” or “toxic”) defy logic. Some of them come in blissful ignorance about the negative impact they have on others, others seem to get satisfaction from creating chaos and pressure on other people. One way or another, they create unnecessary complications, hostility and the worst - tension. Today we will talk about 12 strategies for dealing with toxic people .

Studies have shown that stress and stress can have a long-term negative effect on the brain. Exposure to even several days of stress jeopardizes the effectiveness of hippocampal neurons, an important brain area responsible for logical thinking and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neural dendrites (small “processes” that brain cells use to transmit nerve impulses), and months of stress can irreversibly destroy neurons. Stress out of control is a huge threat to your success. Both your brain and performance are affected.
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Most of the sources of stress at work to identify quite simple. If your non-profit organization is working to get the grant necessary for its further functioning, you probably feel tense and probably know how to cope with it. Unexpected sources of tension and stress, catching you unawares hurts you much more.

A recent study of the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at the Friedrich Schiller University in Germany showed that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions is similar to what you get when dealing with unfriendly (toxic) people who provoke your greatest stress. Showing their negative, cruelty, demonstrating victim syndrome or simple insanity, these people cause stress in the brain, which you need to try to avoid at all costs.

The ability to manage emotions and remain calm under the pressure of circumstances has a direct relationship with productivity . TalentSmart conducted a study in which more than a million people participated. This survey showed that 90% of the most productive people have the skills to manage their emotions at the time of stress, can remain calm and maintain self-control. One of their greatest advantages is the ability to neutralize unfriendly people. High-performing people have a well-honed coping strategy, which they successfully use to keep energy vampires aside.

Having studied the numerous effective strategies that successful people use when dealing with difficult opponents, I have identified twelve best ones. To effectively deal with toxic people, you need an approach that allows you to control everything you can and eliminate the rest. It is important to remember that in fact you are under much more control than it seems.

They set limits (especially communicating with those who constantly complain)

The one who constantly complains and has a negative attitude is not the best interlocutor, because such a person simply flounders in his problems, and does not look for ways to solve them. These people are drawing others into their troubles, crying in a vest so that at the expense of others they can feel better. Many experience internal stress, but listen to complaints, so as not to seem rude and insensitive, but there is a fine line between offering your waistcoat for tears and willingness to be dragged into the funnel of other people's negative emotions.

You can avoid this only if you set boundaries and can distance yourself if necessary. Think of it this way: if the complaining person smoked, would you sit next to him all day, inhaling tobacco smoke? Surely you would have moved away. Also need to do with complaints. A great way to set boundaries is to ask the complaining person how he intends to solve his problem. He will either calm down or redirect the conversation to a productive channel.

They do not die in the fight

Successful people know how important it is to understand that retreating does not mean giving up, especially when your opponent is a toxic person. During a conflict, uncontrollable emotions make you stand on your own and fight until you suffer severe psychological damage. If you recognize and correctly respond to your emotions, you are able to choose the method of battle wisely and stand your ground only when the time is right for this.

They rise above the situation

Toxic people drive you crazy, because their behavior seems irrational to you. Their behavior really goes against common sense. But why do you allow yourself to react emotionally and become hostage to their delusional state?
The more irrational and non-standard a person behaves, the easier it is for you to communicate with him and avoid his traps. You should not try to defeat him on his own field. Pull yourself away from this person emotionally and start treating him as an object of study (as the psychotherapist treats his patient if this analogy is close to you). You do not have to react to emotional chaos - only to the facts.

They understand their emotions.

The process of maintaining emotional distance must occur consciously. You cannot prevent a person from putting pressure on your weak points if you do not understand that this is happening. Sometimes you will find yourself in situations where you need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is wonderful, and you should not be afraid to spend your time on these processes.
Think of it this way: if a mentally ill person approaches you on the street and says that he is John F. Kennedy, you are unlikely to persuade him. Similarly, if you encounter a colleague whose thoughts are far from reality, just smile and nod. If you need to somehow interact with such a person, try to plan in advance the best way to cope with this task.

They set boundaries

This is an area in which most people underestimate their abilities. This happens because many people work or live with people in contact with whom uncontrolled chaos appears. But as soon as you find your way to rise above these people, their behavior will seem more predictable and understandable. This will give you the opportunity to rationally approach the question of when and where their behavior is permissible or not permissible. For example, even if you work closely with someone in the same project group, this does not mean at all that you must communicate with him one-on-one and in general have the same relationships as with other team members.

You can set the boundary, but you have to do it consciously and in advance. If you allow events to go on as usual, they will constantly draw you into heavy, unnecessary conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you intend to communicate with some kind of difficult person, you will be able to control most of the chaos. The main point is to stand on your own and guard the borders when your opponent tries to break them.

They will not allow anyone to limit their joy.

If your pleasure and satisfaction depends on the opinions of other people, then you are not the master of your own happiness. When emotionally literate people feel satisfied with some kind of action, they do not allow anyone's opinion or caustic remarks to spoil their mood.

Although a person cannot completely ignore the opinions of others about himself, there is no need to compare himself with others - public opinion should be taken with a bit of skepticism. Thus, regardless of what toxic people think or do, your self-esteem will remain unchanged. No matter what opinion about you in a particular situation with others, one thing is indisputable - you are neither good nor bad as far as they think of you.

They do not focus on problems — only on solving them.

Your emotional state depends on what you focus your attention on. If you focus on the problems you are facing, you create and exacerbate negative emotions and tension. If you focus on the ways of self-improvement and on your circumstances, you create a sense of personal effectiveness, gaining positive emotions and reducing the level of stress.

As for toxic people, focusing on how difficult they are in communication and far from reality gives them power over you. Stop thinking about how harmful your opponent is. Instead, think about how to communicate with him correctly. So you will become more efficient, be able to establish control over the situation, reduce the degree of voltage that you experience, interacting with it.

They don't forget

Emotionally literate people quickly forgive, but this does not mean that they all forget. To forgive is to “let go” of what happened and go on. But this does not mean that you should give the offender a second chance. Successful people do not want to mingle in the mistakes of others - they quickly resolve the problem and continue to persist in protecting themselves from harm.

They suppress negative internal dialogue.

Sometimes we absorb the negative people around us. There is nothing strange in the fact that you are upset because of how you are treated, but your internal dialogue (your thoughts about your own feelings) can either reinforce the negative, or help you step back from it. Negative internal dialogue is not realistic, it is not needed - it only has a detrimental effect on you. He seems to be sending you down an emotional spiral, from which it is difficult to find a way out. You must avoid negative internal dialogue at all costs.

They limit their caffeine intake.

Caffeine intake provokes a surge of adrenaline. Adrenaline is the source of the “fight or run away” reflex - a survival mechanism that forces you, when faced with a threat, to rise and fight or run without thinking. The “fight or flee” mechanism suppresses rational thinking in favor of a faster reaction to the situation. This is very useful if you are being chased by a bear, but not suitable if you meet an angry colleague in the hallway. (We recommend reading a useful article about caffeine, "How to get maximum energy from caffeine" )

They get enough sleep

I have been struggling with this issue for many years and I can’t tell in two words about the importance of sleep for strengthening your emotional literacy and ability to control stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, reworking the memories of the past day, saving or deleting them (this is the reason for our dreams) so that you wake up in the morning full of vigor and with a clear mind. Your composure, attention and memory - everything suffers if you do not sleep. Lack of sleep increases the level of stress by itself, even without an actual stimulus.

A good night's sleep makes you more positive, creative, and your approach to communicating with toxic people becomes proactive. Only after you sleep, you can create the strategy necessary for effective interaction with complex opponents.

They use their support system

It is tempting, but still totally inefficient, to try to cope with everything yourself. To deal with toxic people, you must recognize the weak points in your approach to dealing with them. You will need to connect your support system to cope with a difficult person. Everyone has someone at work and / or outside of work who is always there, supportive and ready to help get out of the most difficult situation. Determine for yourself the circle of such people and try to enlist their understanding and support in order to get help at the right time. Even a simple explanation of the situation for someone can lead to a new perspective and help you develop your strategy. Most often, other people see those solutions and ways out of the situation that you simply do not notice, because outsiders are not so emotionally involved in the situation.

Summarize

Before your system starts working brilliantly, you will have to pass some tests. Most often, you will be tested for the strength of irritating interactions with difficult people. Fortunately, the plasticity of the brain allows it to adapt and change if you practice new behavioral strategies, even unsuccessful ones. Applying healthy stress relief methods when you come into contact with difficult people will train your brain to deal more effectively with stress and reduce the likelihood of harmful effects.

I like to learn new technologies of successful interaction with toxic people, so do not hesitate and share your experience in the comments below!

PS We recommend another article on the topic - To become a leader for others, first become a leader for yourself

Translated by Vyacheslav Davidenko, founder of MBA Consult