21 ways to minimize employee retention
I offer the readers of Megamind a translation of the note “21 Ways to Minimize Employee Retention” from the blog of Jon Haddad. This is my first translation, I liked the note and wanted to share.
To minimize employee retention, it is important to maximize turnover and confusion. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but by following it you will no doubt succeed in achieving this goal, unlike your business.
1. Eliminate any privacy. Employees should feel that they are being monitored all the time. Ideally, use an open layout that will help maximize distractions. If an open plan is not available, fill people in as small rooms as possible. At any time, employees should be able to smell the breath of each person in the room.
2. Fill your own changes without checking the code, immediately in the wizard. You do not need a check, you are the boss. Select the most spineless person in the team and force him to pour into the project thousands of lines of non-viewed code with which the other team members disagree.
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3. Interrupt people regularly to find out the status. Request an ETA, then interrupt them again before this time has come. Continue interrupting them, even after they have completed the task.
4. Create a vicious circle. To begin with, request that the code be written in 3 weeks, which in fact requires 3 months. Complain about bugs, missing features, performance problems. Require people to “just blind together”. Continue this loop until your code becomes unsupported. Plan to rewrite the code with the goal of “We’ll do it right this time.” Restart the vicious cycle, demanding it to be done in a short time.
5. Hire people in such positions as “senior architect”, then make a bunch of architectural solutions right before they come. Make sure that they do not agree with your choice of technology, but drive them down the throat anyway. Bonus points if you have never used these technologies, additional bonus points if you do not even have a clue how this works. It is important to adhere to this choice, even if not a single line of code has been written, in spite of any experience anyone had with regard to this technology.
6. Regularly change the bug tracker and communication tools. Every few months, it’s important to re-learn how to communicate between team members and create task lists.
7. When applying for a job, find people who need at least an hour, preferably two, to get to work. Let them know that working remotely is part of corporate culture. But as soon as they are hired, prohibit working from home.
8. One day, without warning, send out a letter, demanding that, from now on, everyone come to work an hour and a half earlier, starting from the next day. This works best if your office is located in the center of a high traffic zone. Do not change the time of leaving home.
9. Make sure everything is constantly burning. Ask someone to fix the bug, then interrupt it as soon as possible to fix the new bug. Do it on a regular basis. At the end of the day, get angry when most bugs aren't fixed.
10. Refuse your team in a decent iron. It is important that they are unhappy with their 5400 rpm hard drives. Make it a holiday when new hard drives finally arrive. Let the employees know how lucky they are. Tell them to replace the drives in their personal time at home.
11. Enter the production infrastructure and make changes that bypass the system that you use to manage production. Don't tell anyone what you did.
12. Dominate people by looking them straight in the eye, never blinking. People should be uncomfortable, thinking about what, apparently, dry your eyeballs.
13. Stand behind your back and constantly ask questions when they are trying to fix problems in production.
14. Humiliate people in public. Poke them into their mistakes, and never praise for anything.
15. Set arbitrary, impossible deadlines. Threaten people if they are not met. When they are not met, repeat. If the team stayed late at work, under no circumstances stay with them to help or buy dinner. Go for a drink and publish how fun you are in all the social networks you can find. Bonus points if you are there with someone from the manual.
16. Regularly announce the disgust that you feel for the team, especially if the rest of the management thinks that everything is going fine.
17. Feed people a teaspoonful. No one should be able to understand your ambitious plan regarding the project. If they have managed to assemble all the pieces of the puzzle, freely use public censure.
18. Forbid people from writing to their personal blogs for any reason. Everything that the employee does or knows is the property of the company, even if it has nothing to do with what the company does.
19. Give estimates without consulting with people who actually do the work. If they do not agree with the deadlines, spread your arms out and explain that this cannot be changed, and everyone expects the work to be completed on time. Repeat this every time.
20. Interrupt the above cycle when everyone is ready to quit. Get estimates up to an hour for each individual task. Do not allow any violation of the terms. Add tasks, but do not adjust the schedule.
21. Delay the performance bonus for a month. If employees are dismissed, punish them either by lowering the premium or depriving it. And in general, use any opportunity to punish employees as if they were children.
To minimize employee retention, it is important to maximize turnover and confusion. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but by following it you will no doubt succeed in achieving this goal, unlike your business.
1. Eliminate any privacy. Employees should feel that they are being monitored all the time. Ideally, use an open layout that will help maximize distractions. If an open plan is not available, fill people in as small rooms as possible. At any time, employees should be able to smell the breath of each person in the room.
2. Fill your own changes without checking the code, immediately in the wizard. You do not need a check, you are the boss. Select the most spineless person in the team and force him to pour into the project thousands of lines of non-viewed code with which the other team members disagree.
')
3. Interrupt people regularly to find out the status. Request an ETA, then interrupt them again before this time has come. Continue interrupting them, even after they have completed the task.
4. Create a vicious circle. To begin with, request that the code be written in 3 weeks, which in fact requires 3 months. Complain about bugs, missing features, performance problems. Require people to “just blind together”. Continue this loop until your code becomes unsupported. Plan to rewrite the code with the goal of “We’ll do it right this time.” Restart the vicious cycle, demanding it to be done in a short time.
5. Hire people in such positions as “senior architect”, then make a bunch of architectural solutions right before they come. Make sure that they do not agree with your choice of technology, but drive them down the throat anyway. Bonus points if you have never used these technologies, additional bonus points if you do not even have a clue how this works. It is important to adhere to this choice, even if not a single line of code has been written, in spite of any experience anyone had with regard to this technology.
6. Regularly change the bug tracker and communication tools. Every few months, it’s important to re-learn how to communicate between team members and create task lists.
7. When applying for a job, find people who need at least an hour, preferably two, to get to work. Let them know that working remotely is part of corporate culture. But as soon as they are hired, prohibit working from home.
8. One day, without warning, send out a letter, demanding that, from now on, everyone come to work an hour and a half earlier, starting from the next day. This works best if your office is located in the center of a high traffic zone. Do not change the time of leaving home.
9. Make sure everything is constantly burning. Ask someone to fix the bug, then interrupt it as soon as possible to fix the new bug. Do it on a regular basis. At the end of the day, get angry when most bugs aren't fixed.
10. Refuse your team in a decent iron. It is important that they are unhappy with their 5400 rpm hard drives. Make it a holiday when new hard drives finally arrive. Let the employees know how lucky they are. Tell them to replace the drives in their personal time at home.
11. Enter the production infrastructure and make changes that bypass the system that you use to manage production. Don't tell anyone what you did.
12. Dominate people by looking them straight in the eye, never blinking. People should be uncomfortable, thinking about what, apparently, dry your eyeballs.
13. Stand behind your back and constantly ask questions when they are trying to fix problems in production.
14. Humiliate people in public. Poke them into their mistakes, and never praise for anything.
15. Set arbitrary, impossible deadlines. Threaten people if they are not met. When they are not met, repeat. If the team stayed late at work, under no circumstances stay with them to help or buy dinner. Go for a drink and publish how fun you are in all the social networks you can find. Bonus points if you are there with someone from the manual.
16. Regularly announce the disgust that you feel for the team, especially if the rest of the management thinks that everything is going fine.
17. Feed people a teaspoonful. No one should be able to understand your ambitious plan regarding the project. If they have managed to assemble all the pieces of the puzzle, freely use public censure.
18. Forbid people from writing to their personal blogs for any reason. Everything that the employee does or knows is the property of the company, even if it has nothing to do with what the company does.
19. Give estimates without consulting with people who actually do the work. If they do not agree with the deadlines, spread your arms out and explain that this cannot be changed, and everyone expects the work to be completed on time. Repeat this every time.
20. Interrupt the above cycle when everyone is ready to quit. Get estimates up to an hour for each individual task. Do not allow any violation of the terms. Add tasks, but do not adjust the schedule.
21. Delay the performance bonus for a month. If employees are dismissed, punish them either by lowering the premium or depriving it. And in general, use any opportunity to punish employees as if they were children.
Source: https://habr.com/ru/post/283840/
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