If programmers were making pancakes (according to kosher methodologies)

Waterfall

The customer reports that he wants pancakes. The company allocates a project manager who says: “The question is shit! Our company specializes in the production of pancakes! We'll make you some awesome pancakes for two thousand man-hours! ”

Next begins the analytical phase. The business analyst takes an expert, and they sit day and night at the customer's office, consume free coffee and donuts, and also carefully write down business requirements down to the thickness of a pancake crust with micron accuracy. Documents are written on company letterheads, and then certified by the signature of the director of the client company, the director of the executive company, an outside consultant on pancake production, and the seal of the Pope of Rome. After the end of the analytical phase, the project has 1000 hours left.

Next comes the architecture phase. For such a task, a leading architect is identified who paints in detail the architectural solution for the construction of a 2000 hectare pancake factory. The structure of the factory should include: flour sifting shop; chicken breeding shop; workshop of collecting and sorting eggs; workshop of an extraction of sunflower oil; dough kneading shop; culinary recipe management system; baking shop; crust thickness control system (we remember the business requirements). At the same time, the ovens in the baking shop should work on cold fusion, and the products between the shops should be transported along a universal conveyor-bus, which should guarantee the delivery of products to the consumer in the right order. After the end of the architectural phase of the project remains 100 hours.

Next, the project is transferred to the development. Developers come to the site dedicated to the construction of the factory, and find there is a swamp. Timlid turns a bug on the architect with the words: "If you build a factory in a swamp, it will sink to hell." A week later, the architect returns a bug with the comment: “So drain the swamp!” Timlid tells the project manager that the drain will take ten thousand hours. PM replies that this is too much, and you need to build right in the swamp. Perhaps in the next release, the task will have a second stage, and we will come up with a special pump that will suck the swamp from under the factory and pump cement there. In the meantime, we will complete the factory with operational tools in the form of hundreds of jacks. At this point, the project has 0 hours.
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While the developers are building a plant in the swamps and bones of their colleagues who have died from malaria, features are removed one by one from the project. The first leaves the thermonuclear reactor, which is replaced by a stove. Then the recipe management system leaves, with the result that the factory can produce only hard-square square pancakes. The architect to the last protects the crust thickness control system, but after 1000 hours, for which the project is already overdue, they refuse it.

After the development phase is completed, testers are launched on the site. Instead of a factory, they discover a board shed, as well as a lonely implementation specialist who runs from jack to jack and keeps the barn from sinking into the marsh. In the corner of the barn there is a stove with a unibody-aluminum griddle, patented by Apple. Sacks of flour, boxes of eggs and sunflower oil are piled in another corner. From the bags to the stove pulls a universal conveyor bus, the order of products that guarantees all the same implementation specialist.

Testers are surprised, and have 500 bugs for development, since no one in the documentation reflected a single compromise, which was adopted during construction. The situation is complicated by the fact that the regression model requires verification of the basic functionality: the possibility of burning wood in the presence of oxygen; the impossibility of burning wood in the absence of oxygen; the ability of a person to enter the factory door, etc. When a project is overdue by 2000 hours, testing is just beginning to check the surface temperature of the griddle. All run, scream and panic, PM decides to pass the task with incomplete testing.

At acceptance to the customer as a bonus, they give heated pancakes from the railway station rygalovki and agree to accept the task with restrictions. Even with the restrictions, the customer finds a problem: after firing, the pancake cannot be separated from the unibody-aluminum skid, patented by Apple. Acceptance is delayed, and the developers are running to fix a critical bug. As a result, the patented pan is replaced with a regular Tefal for 150 p. from Auchan. Of the original architecture, only the universal conveyor-bus remains, on which they could not guarantee the priority of products. After 5000 hours spent on the task, the customer, reluctantly, accepts the factory and coordinates the second stage of the task in the next release. A fairly gray-haired PM says: “The question is shit! ... "

Next begins the analytical phase.

[ To be continued ]