The original method of avoiding conflict as a type of psychological struggle
Nobody wants to clash. When conflicts become frequent, a person painfully seeks a way out. Someone is trying to avoid communication, someone is going into a direct conflict, someone is looking for techniques and methods of how to behave correctly. The latest and dedicated to this post, the idea of ​​the appearance of which was born after watching the video next topic "How to put a person in place: 10 real questions about the pressure in the negotiations . " The tips are interesting and effective when used skillfully, but there is another interesting method of avoiding conflict called “psychological aikido” developed by Mikhail Litvak (psychologist, psychotherapist, candidate of medical sciences). Once this technique helped me quite well in communicating with one very temperamental boss. But all in order.
I had a chance to get into the grocery company, where the immediate head of [NR] turned out to be a specific person for me and with whom it was impossible to communicate with anyone. He worked as a product owner and often wrote requirements for the product in a free-style manner “like a thought went.” Any attempts to clarify the requirements came up with phrases such as: “Well, can such trifles really be incomprehensible” or “You yourself can at least solve something ?!”. However, the decision-making by someone other than him, he also could not stand. All this led to alterations, long conversations in a humiliatingly humorous manner and ridiculing decisions that were not made by him ("how could you put" green / yellow when it was so ugly! " etc). He was not shy in expressions and intonations, and each one invented his unique appeal in cases when something was not to his liking. For example, in my address, I often heard the phrases: “all because you are mediocre as a performer” or “have never seen a more confused employee”. In general, after a month of work, I knew for sure that I would not stay in the company. And somewhere around this time, stumbling upon a technique of psychological aikido, I decided to try it out. Firstly, it is very interesting method, secondly, it seemed somehow too fantastic to work, and, thirdly, it would not have been any worse).
The essence of the method is well described by its author M. Litvak in the book Psychological Aikido. In general, it all comes down to agreeing with the conflict and in such a way to absorb the conflict. This is the very first step that will help not to provoke an increase in aggression.
')
Basic principles of depreciation:
1. Gently accept compliments.
2. If the offer suits you, agree with the first time.
3.Do not offer your services. Help when done their work.
4. Offer cooperation only once.
5. Do not wait when they start criticizing you - criticizing yourself.
Describes 3 methods of depreciation - direct, deferred and preventive. I tried direct and prophylactic. I will give an example of direct depreciation from the book:
A: You are a fool!
B: You are absolutely right! (avoiding impact).
Usually two or three withdrawals from an attack are enough to prevent a conflict from inflaming. If absolutely necessary, the answer can be continued as follows:
B: As you quickly realized that I was a fool. For so many years I managed to hide it from everyone. With your insight you have a great future! I’m just surprised that the authorities haven’t appreciated you so far!
Option to invite to cooperation:
A: We offer you the position of chief.
B: 1) Thank you. I agree (with consent).
2) Thank you for the interesting offer. We must think and weigh everything (if you expect a negative answer).
It should be noted that consent must be given immediately after the first invitation. If the first invitation was insincere, everything immediately falls into place. Next time with you in these games will not play. If the invitation is sincere, you would be grateful for your quick agreement.
As for preventive depreciation, it works in the case when a conflict somehow follows a similar pattern. In such cases, Carnegie says: “Tell yourself all that your accuser is going to do, and you will deprive the wind of his sail”.
Example of preventive depreciation (from the book):
I have to come to the boss and say something like this: “I have come to scold me. You know what I've done ... ”.
I first managed to put it into practice when, after 20 minutes of reading out all the sins, [HP] uttered the phrase: “Do you know why you couldn’t do as I asked?”. And instead of starting to explain the real reasons as before, I said: “All because I am a talentless worker.” There was no limit to my surprise, because [NR] hesitated, grunted and left. Prior to this, the topic of my lack of talent would have been covered from all directions for another minute so much.
Subsequently, similar depreciation pieces had to be applied a couple more three times and, apparently, interest in my person from [NR] was lost. Nevertheless, he began to respond to questions-clarifications of the requirements [NR], dryly and without desire, but this was already enough to eliminate the problem of constantly reworking trifles. As a result, I left the company, on my own initiative, without conflicts and with a tried and tested new psychological device. I hope someone else will be useful too.
I had a chance to get into the grocery company, where the immediate head of [NR] turned out to be a specific person for me and with whom it was impossible to communicate with anyone. He worked as a product owner and often wrote requirements for the product in a free-style manner “like a thought went.” Any attempts to clarify the requirements came up with phrases such as: “Well, can such trifles really be incomprehensible” or “You yourself can at least solve something ?!”. However, the decision-making by someone other than him, he also could not stand. All this led to alterations, long conversations in a humiliatingly humorous manner and ridiculing decisions that were not made by him ("how could you put" green / yellow when it was so ugly! " etc). He was not shy in expressions and intonations, and each one invented his unique appeal in cases when something was not to his liking. For example, in my address, I often heard the phrases: “all because you are mediocre as a performer” or “have never seen a more confused employee”. In general, after a month of work, I knew for sure that I would not stay in the company. And somewhere around this time, stumbling upon a technique of psychological aikido, I decided to try it out. Firstly, it is very interesting method, secondly, it seemed somehow too fantastic to work, and, thirdly, it would not have been any worse).
The essence of the method is well described by its author M. Litvak in the book Psychological Aikido. In general, it all comes down to agreeing with the conflict and in such a way to absorb the conflict. This is the very first step that will help not to provoke an increase in aggression.
')
Basic principles of depreciation:
1. Gently accept compliments.
2. If the offer suits you, agree with the first time.
3.Do not offer your services. Help when done their work.
4. Offer cooperation only once.
5. Do not wait when they start criticizing you - criticizing yourself.
Describes 3 methods of depreciation - direct, deferred and preventive. I tried direct and prophylactic. I will give an example of direct depreciation from the book:
A: You are a fool!
B: You are absolutely right! (avoiding impact).
Usually two or three withdrawals from an attack are enough to prevent a conflict from inflaming. If absolutely necessary, the answer can be continued as follows:
B: As you quickly realized that I was a fool. For so many years I managed to hide it from everyone. With your insight you have a great future! I’m just surprised that the authorities haven’t appreciated you so far!
Option to invite to cooperation:
A: We offer you the position of chief.
B: 1) Thank you. I agree (with consent).
2) Thank you for the interesting offer. We must think and weigh everything (if you expect a negative answer).
It should be noted that consent must be given immediately after the first invitation. If the first invitation was insincere, everything immediately falls into place. Next time with you in these games will not play. If the invitation is sincere, you would be grateful for your quick agreement.
As for preventive depreciation, it works in the case when a conflict somehow follows a similar pattern. In such cases, Carnegie says: “Tell yourself all that your accuser is going to do, and you will deprive the wind of his sail”.
Example of preventive depreciation (from the book):
I have to come to the boss and say something like this: “I have come to scold me. You know what I've done ... ”.
I first managed to put it into practice when, after 20 minutes of reading out all the sins, [HP] uttered the phrase: “Do you know why you couldn’t do as I asked?”. And instead of starting to explain the real reasons as before, I said: “All because I am a talentless worker.” There was no limit to my surprise, because [NR] hesitated, grunted and left. Prior to this, the topic of my lack of talent would have been covered from all directions for another minute so much.
Subsequently, similar depreciation pieces had to be applied a couple more three times and, apparently, interest in my person from [NR] was lost. Nevertheless, he began to respond to questions-clarifications of the requirements [NR], dryly and without desire, but this was already enough to eliminate the problem of constantly reworking trifles. As a result, I left the company, on my own initiative, without conflicts and with a tried and tested new psychological device. I hope someone else will be useful too.
Source: https://habr.com/ru/post/218663/
All Articles