Winnie the Pooh works for the corporate parasite and climbs the corporate ladder ...

Cross post from my technical and personal blogs
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Today I would like to talk about a very unusual character in terms of corporate parasites ... Once upon a time, in the fabulous country of the USSR, a small child, whom I was, adored Winnie the Pooh tales, and especially the production of Leningrad television based on the immortal work of Milne, and then the famous cartoons about the cheerful little bear. Well, you know, "if I scratch my head, no-be-yes!" Nevertheless, you should think about if you find yourself a colleague of Winnie the Pooh, or Christopher Robin will be your boss. Let me explain why. Let's look at Chapter Eight, “in which Christopher Robin organizes an“ ark ”to the North Pole,” and look at Winnie-the-Pooh's behavior throughout its course ... So, for starters, Winnie-the-Pooh maintained close friendship with exec (top management) sponsor and watched, to not forget about it:

Winnie the Pooh wandered through the Forest, intending to see his friend Christopher Robin and find out if he had forgotten that there are bears in the world.

Moreover, he was receptive to non-verbal signals from top management and with all his strength showed his willingness to support their plans, whatever they were:

Christopher Robin sat at the door, stretching his Marching Boots. As soon as Pooh saw the Walking Boots, he immediately understood that the Adventure was coming, and he wiped the rest of the honey from his face with his paw and pulled himself up as best he could to show that he was ready for everything .

He did not forget to let the top management feel his (top management) superior to him:

- Are we going to the expedition? - asked Pooh with interest. - I have never seen one. And where is she, this expedition?
- Expedition, my silly bear. Not “ck”, but “cc”.

He did not understand anything, but warmly and without the slightest hesitation the top management supported:

- Oh! - said Pooh. - I see.
In truth, he understood nothing.

Even though the top management itself was not aware of what it wants:

“Well, this is the kind of thing that is being discovered,” said Christopher Robin casually, who himself didn’t know exactly what that thing was.

And immediately put forward his candidacy, and quite delicately:

“Oh, I see,” said Pooh. “And do bears help him open it?”

And he was not embarrassed that the top manager refused to allocate him among the rest ...

- Of course, help. And Rabbit, and Kanga, and all. This is an expedition. An expedition is what it means: everyone goes one after another, in single file ... You'd better tell everyone else that they were going to ...

And immediately began to perform:

- Oh! - said Pooh joyfully. - And it seemed to me, you were talking about some kind of vision. Then I will go and tell them all.

And the first recruited did not forget to give an order for further recruiting:

“Oh, Rabbit, I have no time,” said Pooh. “We must, most importantly, not forget about ... In a word, about what we eat.” And then suddenly we want to eat. I will now go to Piglet, and you tell Kenge, okay?

More precisely, this phrase deserves even more attention. In it, in one single phrase, Pooh:

• Reflected his employment: " I have no time "
• Puzzled with a vague aim: " We must, most importantly, not forget about ... In a word, about that ... "
• Indicated his contribution to the case: " I will now go to Piglet "
• And then he issued an order: " and you tell Kenge, ok? "

I must say, the choice of Rabbit as the first member of the team is deeply symbolic. See for yourself.

• Rabbit accepted this completely crazy idea with enthusiasm and without questions: " Rabbit will definitely take part. "
• The rabbit caught up with the public: " and at the very end, stretching out a long chain, all the Rabbit's Relatives and Acquaintances went. I did not invite them," Rabbit casually explained, "they just took it and they came. They are always like that ."
• And then he put this audience in place as not very necessary hangers-on: " They can walk at the end, behind Eeyore ."

At the same time, Rabbit introduces a social ladder into the company - “pecking order” - in which Ia-Ia takes the last place, but he is also given a chance to squeeze on someone, and on top of that stand Christopher Robin, Pooh and, of course, Rabbit:

- Shh! - said Christopher Robin, turning to Pooh. - We are just approaching a dangerous place! - Shh! - said Pooh, quickly turning to the pig. - Shh! - said Piglet Kenge. - Shh! - Kanga told Sove, and Little Roux said “shh” to himself several times in a row. - Shh! - Owl said, turning to Eeyore. - Shut up! - said Ia in a terrible voice to all the Relatives and Acquaintances of the Rabbit, and they started hurriedly to say “shh” to each other, until it reached the very last one. And the last, the smallest Relative and Acquaintance, was so frightened, having decided that the whole expedition told him “shh” that he immediately dug into the ground and sat there upside down for two whole days, until he was convinced that the danger was finally over. Then he hurriedly went home. His name was Sasha Bugashka.

Moreover, as we will soon discover, Rabbit for this gets the position of architect-adviser. When Christopher Robin finds himself at an impasse, he calls Rabbit to the meeting:

As soon as Christopher Robin finished with his breakfast, he whispered something to Rabbit, and Rabbit said: “Yes, yes, of course,” and they moved aside. “I didn’t want to talk for all,” began Christopher Robin. “I see,” said Rabbit, sulking with pride. - The thing is ... I wanted ... but no, probably, you, Rabbit, do not know ... I wonder what kind of North Pole is? “Well,” said Rabbit, squinting his mustache, “I had to ask earlier. “I used to know, but I seemed to have forgotten,” said Christopher Robin casually. “A strange coincidence,” said Rabbit, “I, too, seemed to have forgotten, although I knew, of course, before.” - In my opinion, the earth axis passes there. She's probably stuck in the ground. True? - Of course, there is an axis there, and, of course, it is stuck in the ground, because there is no place to plug it anymore, and besides, it is called “earthen”. - And I think so.

Pay attention to the last lines, we will return to them. However, the rabbit is a separate song. Let's go back to the little bear and its top management - Christopher Robin. Pay attention, when “expedition” comes to a dead end, top management refers to the oldest way of raising morality - the collective food:

“I think,” said Christopher Robin, “we have to eat all our provisions so that we can go further.” - Eat all our what? - said Pooh. “Everything that we brought,” said Piglet, getting down to business. “This is a good idea,” said Pooh and also got down to business.

And Pooh enthusiastically supports this idea again, at the same time not forgetting to support the social order in the group, sit down for lunch of the latter in this order:

- Does everyone have something to eat? Asked Christopher Robin with his mouth full. “Everyone but me,” said Ya. “As usual!” “He looked around sadly.” I wonder if none of you are sitting on a thistle by chance? “It seems I am sitting,” said Pooh. “Oh!” - He jumped up and looked around. - Yes, I sat. I felt that way! - Thank you, Pooh. If you don’t need it anymore, then ... Eeyore moved to the place of Pooh and began to eat.

As you understand, top management in the person of Christopher Robin now finds himself in a most difficult situation, because he doesn’t know what to do next with all this started “expedition,” and he doesn’t want to admit his incompetence. And then Little Roo falls into the water and thus gives the top management the necessary respite to make a decision. And what does Winnie the Pooh do next? He actually does a perfectly good thing. When Little Roo falls into the water, everyone rushes around and screams, and ...

And only Winnie the Pooh did something useful. He picked up a long stick and threw it on the other side. Kanga immediately jumped over and grabbed the other end; they lowered the stick to the water itself, and soon Roo, who continued to glee happily: “Watch me swim!” - grabbed hold of it and scrambled out onto the shore.

This is a very important point. It is extremely rare that the parasite can successfully parasitize on the system without doing anything at all. From time to time he must lead a movement or a solution to a problem during a crisis, even if this problem has nothing to do with the tasks of the group. So, sometimes it is quite useful. And here Christopher Robin gets out of the situation with a truly brilliant decision.

“Pooh,” he said, “where did you find this axis?” Pooh looked at the stick he was still holding. “Well, I just found it,” he said. “Is this an axis?” I thought it was just a stick and it could come in handy. She stuck there in the ground, and I picked it up. “Pooh,” said Christopher Robin solemnly, “the expedition is over.” This is the Earth Axis. We found the North Pole.

What is the usual solution for management. If you can’t reach the task, you just need to announce that you have achieved it. The main thing is to do it loudly and confidently enough, and then the stick lying on the river bank will pass over the earth's axis of rotation, and your teddy bear will become the discoverer of the North Pole. So let's summarize what Christopher Robin did during this chapter:

• He put forward a delusional goal, of which he had no clue about the technical side.
• He appointed “leaders” of his favorites and mobilized resources to fulfill this goal.
• He encouraged his leaders to create a hierarchical order in the group and seize unnecessary resources, just to increase the number of their team.
• He tried to shift responsibility for the direction of movement to one of his leaders when he realized that he did not know where to go.
• He found a way to falsify the achievement of the result.
• And he finished all with an announcement of a triumphant victory and the awarding of a completely uncomplicated Pooh.

Of course, you can say, and if I am not too harsh to Christopher Robin? In the end, it is his toys and he has the right to play them in any kind of games. True? True. Although it is interesting that he plays these games with them. And most importantly, why is it so that watching many managers creates the feeling that they do not manage teams and do not get real results, but simply

... here, in the Enchanted Place on the top of a hill in the Forest, the little boy will always, always play with his teddy bear.

And will it be too harsh on them?