Why i left google

Reflections on how to trade pride and comfort for the present self

“In order to grow up and stay with you, you need courage,” E.E. Cummings

About six months ago, I decided to quit a very good job at Google to try living a different life. I had a weak idea of ​​what I would do next, but I left because I could no longer stay. I can not express it in words, but something inside me said that I should not move further along this career path. I clearly felt that he would not lead me where I wanted, and that I needed to turn off this road. Though I didn’t really know where I wanted to go. With every month of my stay at Google, my anxiety and touchiness grew. I could wait for the right turn, but I understood that the further, the harder it would be to turn. And what if I do not know exactly where I need to roll? The only thing I was sure was that no one would tell me the right decision: neither my manager, nor colleagues, nor friends, nor parents. I imagined myself in old age: a wonderful husband, beautiful children, a mortgage and contrition that I missed the opportunity to do what I wanted to do. Therefore, in January 2013, I turned into the next turn.

When people ask what it was like to quit Google, I remember parting with my boyfriend in college. He was charming, handsome, respectful and everyone loved him - even me. But he was not the only one. This thought came to me more often during long trips on the bus in the last year of college: I looked out the window, thought, and there was a nasty feeling in my stomach. The realization that I had to break up with him was a long and difficult process, but this is exactly what I should have done. In the end I braced myself and broke our hearts. I was not sure that it would be better to meet someone, but later this decision was discovered so much for me that I consider it one of the main ones in my life. It took me several years to come to the same decision regarding Google - it was almost inconceivable to leave such a salary, a manager who treated me as a family member, colleagues, whom I considered friends. All that I so long sought. And I could not give it up, even though I was unhappy.

When I thought about why I could not leave, I understood something about myself. Something that I myself did not like, and what a shame to admit. The main reason for which I did not leave was that I would have to leave the comfort and prestige associated with the life of Google. I began to think further, and realized that external recognition, unfortunately, was for me the main motivator. It all started in kindergarten when Mrs. Mani told my mother that I was the best child she had seen in 40 years of work. All my friends have the same story - they were all the best kids. Over time, getting recognition has become even more exciting: leaving school, getting into Wellesley, getting a college award, getting an internship, getting a job at Google. And I was faced with the fact that I did not know what to do. Because what I was going to do (quit the company) did not add benefits to karma. Unless they could call me brave. I was not ready for this. In truth, the thirst for recognition is so deeply rooted in me that I used a startup as a reason for leaving Google. “I’m leaving to work on a startup idea.” It looked shorter and more attractive than the phrase “I need to slow down, understand myself and what I want from life.”
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During my last promotion, I realized that something was wrong. And it was not the alarm that I began to constantly feel after the first year of work. The first year was too stormy to stop and think about what I was doing. I first started earning money on my own, was keen on training and working with clients. I fell in love with Google, fell in love with Google employees, and I had no time for philosophical questions about life. However, years later, during the last promotion, I noticed that all the efforts in each new role did not make me happier. On the contrary, promotions made me less happy because I felt that I was putting my energy into something that I wasn’t even sure of. Money, of course, is a good thing, but they have not changed my lifestyle. I felt guilty all the time. Isn't Google the best place to work? Shouldn't I be satisfied with a six-figure salary, free lunches, massage and other buns? Of course, I felt a sense of gratitude, but at the same time I felt like a suck. I felt unrealized and was afraid to tell anyone about it.

It would be nice if my inner voice said: “Hey, Ellie, it’s certainly nice here, but it's time to move on.” Instead, he said: “Hey, Ellie, anyone would want to be in your place. So love this place. Work well Stop complaining. ”And I did just that - I worked hard, went on a business trip to Tokyo for three months, worked with such wonderful clients as Square, brought my initiatives to life, trained new team members. I grew up in Google - and learned how to work well in Google. Google has become my MBA. However, my heart no longer belonged to him. I understood it, but I still could not leave. It was in my power to change my life, but I didn’t do anything. The reason was not in the parents - they would support any of my decisions, even care, - the reason was in me. I was held by fear, the fear of what people would think about me. I pressed myself. Every day, from the moment of waking up to the moment when you went to bed. And sometimes even in a dream. For years, I had the same dream that someone was after me. I run away, through the doors, through the windows, but I cannot tear myself away from my pursuer by a single step. Waking up, I kept asking myself why am I where I am? What am I doing here? I felt like an impostor in my own life.

The peak of my alarm came at the end of 2012, and I decided to take a month of rest, perhaps doing nothing would help clarify my thoughts. Everyone was surprised that I was not going on vacation to Europe, but would stay in San Francisco and would “just live”. Almost every morning I attended ballet classes, went to the store, cooked (this is something unusual for a google), started baking again, read, ran, played the guitar and did not check email. Simply put, she enjoyed all the little things in life for which there is always not enough time when you work, in the hope that it will illuminate me. I was good, but the insight did not come. I even thought that I really should have gone to Europe.

And then, when the month was coming to an end, I decided to go to Joshua Three with my college friend, her boyfriend, and the company of their mutual friends who lived in Los Angeles. In the evening, when we gathered around the fire, one of the guys began to question me. Almost all of them were artists of various kinds, and I remember that for some reason I was embarrassed by the fact that I work in a technology company. Admitting to this was akin to admitting that I am from the internal revenue service. This guy asked what I do at work and how long I work. I told him. And he replied, “Should you really like working there for so long? What is it like? ”He asked too many questions, was intrusive, although he only tried to keep the conversation going. I remember that I said something good (mostly “great people work there”, which is true), but I also felt as if I were defending myself, as if they were testing me. Of course, it was just a sensation, but it was then that the insight came ... the first time I realized that I was living a fake life. It was unpleasant.

After that conversation, I left the fire for a couple of minutes to look at the stars. The moon was bigger than ever. Even though music came from our camp, I was still surrounded by nothing and nothing, I felt free from everything. At this point, I realized that I can do everything that I want, and the realization of these desires only in my hands. This is my life, and I have to stop worrying about what other people think. If I want to do cooking, I have to do it. If I want to write, I have to write. If I want to start a company, I have to start it. If I want to do nothing, I have to do nothing. If I want to screw it up once, I have to screw it up. So I stood only a couple of minutes, until someone called me, but this time seemed to me like an eternity. Perhaps I would come to this conclusion in San Francisco, but I think this feeling of being lost has helped me. This sensation made me shut up long enough to hear what I didn’t want to admit: I lived a fake life. When I returned to the office, I immediately announced my resignation. My explanation (to take up my hobbies, work on my own projects, spend more time on cooking) embarrassed everyone, but nevertheless my colleagues fully supported me. The irony is that on the day when I returned to work and announced my retirement, there was a reward on my desk that I won while I was on vacation: “I will create my own business in the next 5 years.”

Several months have passed since then, and people still fill me with questions about how I now live: family, friends, former colleagues, random acquaintances. Sometimes it lives very well, but most of the time (when I count how much money I have left) is not. On the one hand, to turn from a rolled track into complete uncertainty is frightening and lonely. Sometimes I am so paralyzed with fear that I cannot do anything. On the other hand - and this is the most important thing - for the first time in my life I feel that I am not attached to my achievements, I am less worried about what people think about me, and spend more time on what I myself consider important. I work hard to listen to my inner voice and not condemn what he wants. I can honestly answer my own questions.

Answers to these questions led me to great changes in my life: I quit my job, started doing things that I hadn’t spent time on (cooking), I created a startup (Mend). I learned to say “no” and better cope with social obligations, and thus I can devote more time to myself. I moved to Venice (the one in California, not Italy) and I live in the spacious apartment of my dream (for which I could not afford to pay $ 3,000 in San Francisco). Every day I run on the beach, and generally live a more relaxed life than in San Francisco. It was difficult to leave my friends and the prospects of the big city, but when I walk on the beach on warm summer evenings, watch the sun go down in the mountains of Santa Monica, I realize that I am finally at home. And although I still have vague ideas about the end point of my journey, I am no longer looking for where to turn, because I know that I am on the right track. Of course, good lifelong learning and savings accumulated over 5 years now make it possible to live without a salary, but I think that, figuratively speaking, everyone has the right and the obligation to go to Joshua Three. Everyone can change their lives; the difficulty is to listen to yourself and then act.

Oh, and by the way. That nightmare no longer torments me.