Brief history of immortality

Physics does not stand still. In the last experiment at the Large Hadron Collider, leptons were subjected to intense bombardment by fluctuating protons. As a result, a break of the gluon string was recorded, accompanied by double radiation of a previously unknown type. Scientists find it difficult to identify.

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Research continues. Studies of the phenomenon discovered about two months ago at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) are continuing. Scientists have succeeded in establishing that the mysterious radiation, coming from both ends of a broken gluon string, has an intensity of about 20-30 units on the scale of a trick and differently directed polarity. According to the head of research at the BAC Charlie Burton, the physicists working under his direction are enthusiastic to unravel the secrets of nature, despite the situation of some nervousness due to the threats of terrorists to blow the Large Hadron Collider to hell.

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TANK under reliable protection . The landing troops of France and the United States took the Large Hadron Collider under protection. The action was undertaken in connection with the increasing threats of extremists against the flagship of world physics.
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Physicists communicate with that light . At a specially convened press conference, Charlie Bertons, the head of a research project at the Large Hadron Collider, announced the greatest discovery in human history. “We did this,” said Burtons. “Despite serious technical difficulties, we learned how to reproduce both radiations, more precisely, to connect to them. Both are transcribed. Actually, this is the main sensation, because there are people at the other end of the transmitters. In any case, these creatures provide us with information that proves their past existence as once living people. If I were not a scientist, I would say that we communicate with other worlds. I do not know how to interpret this, but the information is confirmed by hundreds of experiments. ”

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This is not a newspaper duck. At the BERC-II collider in Beijing, results similar to those obtained at the Large Hadron Collider were obtained. Chinese scientists also succeeded in breaking the gluon string, as a result of which powerful bipolar radiation of unknown origin arose. The creatures at the end of the transmitter introduced themselves as Manchus who lived in the Qin era. The conversation with them lasted about two hours.

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Egyptians against. Mass protest demonstrations took place in Egypt and Yemen, in connection with the reports that flashed through the press that physicists were communicating with the dead. Protesters demanded the closure of all hadron colliders and a ban on any physical experiments that could lead to communication with the dead, especially with Muslims.

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An article in Nature. In the prestigious scientific journal Nature published an article by Dr. Physics A. Svodenberg. The author argues that communication with the dead does not constitute a physical paradox and was predicted long ago. According to Dr. Svodenberg, the soul of a person is an epsilon-matrix. “We do not know anything about epsilon matrices, this is a completely new phenomenon in physics,” said Dr. Svodenberg, “but there is no doubt that in this case we have come across them. After the so-called death, the epsilon-matrix of the deceased, depending on the quality of its quark calibration, attracts either to positive or negative. The ancient religious traditions of hell, into which sinners are sent after death, and the paradise into which the righteous go, have thus fundamental physical grounds. ”

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A visit to the Large Hadron Collider by the Pope. The head of the Catholic Church, the Pope of Rome, visited the Large Hadron Collider. Details of the visit were not disclosed. After the visit, the Pope announced that the Catholic Church headed by him did not object to communication with the afterlife, as it does not contradict the sacred dogmas, and that he, the Pope of Rome, through a gluon connection installed at the collider personally communicated with one of his predecessors.

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To communicate with the otherworldly worlds, the collider is not needed. In the scientific laboratory at the University of Tokyo, a break of the gluon string was achieved using quantum laser technologies, which opens the way to the mass use of gluon telephony. The technology patent was purchased by Quantific Corporation, which promises to release a device for communicating with the world beyond the grave no later than November of next year.

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America is excited. The first actions in the United States against the Quantific Corporation’s intentions to make communication with the next worlds public are recorded. “Leave the dead alone!” Protesters gathered outside the Quantific Corporation in Colorado, chanting.

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Want to talk to your great-grandmother? Quantific Corporation has launched sales of a widely advertised Super-GLUON gadget designed for gluon communication with the next worlds. Previously, the start of sales was repeatedly postponed, due to circumstances beyond the corporation. Despite the fairly significant price of 3.5 thousand dollars, on the first day of sales, almost 5 million units were purchased.

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The first complaint. About 10 thousand "Super-GLUON" gadgets returned to sellers in connection with complaints in the first week of sales. Buyers complain of poor communication quality on one of the gluon lines. The director of public relations for Quantific Corporation, Tom Richmond, stated: “Users of Super-GLUON should be aware that we are connecting to other worlds, but cannot influence what is happening in them. As far as I know, in hell it is quite hot, and sinners, even while talking on the gluon line, cannot resist not crying out in pain, which negatively affects their audibility. Quantific Corporation has nothing to do with it. It is not our fault that your relatives are not in heaven, but in hell. ”

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Filter for gluon bond. The Japanese company "Tomity" announced the release of a special filter to the "Super-GLUON". The device eliminates the howls, allowing you to communicate with sinners in hell with little or no interference, and is a flat box that connects via a USB connector and measures 2x3 cm. The filter costs $ 29.

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MarkTwain is the blogger of the year. According to popular-people.com, the blogger of the year is MarkTwain, ahead of his closest pursuer blogger Ciceron by more than 4%. According to the terms of the competition, so-called posthumous bloggers could participate in it - dead people dictating their posts through live repeaters.

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Sociological survey. Independent sociological agency NMA conducted statistical studies of the inhabitants of the underworld. His results turned out to be sensational: almost all famous politicians, commanders and pop musicians are in hell, while most of the scientists and artists are in paradise after death. Representatives of other professions are distributed between hell and heaven almost evenly. Charlie Bertons, project manager at the Large Hadron Collider, called the statistics obtained by the NMA agency unverified and ridiculous.

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"Super-GLUON" are not needed by anyone. For the first time in six months of trading in gluon-based gadgets, a decrease in demand has been recorded. Communicating with the dead was not as exciting as it seemed before. As a rule, the dead are laconic, they tell little about themselves, but they are keenly interested in the results of the latest football matches. Users of “Super-GLUON” ask themselves a question: is it worth communicating with a great-grandmother after her death, when the old woman managed to get bored worse than bitter radish during her life? If it goes on like this, the use of the gluon bond will remain only for professional historians and treasure hunters.

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Press conference physics. Doctor of Physics A. Svodenberg convened a press conference at which he announced that the division of the underworld into hell and paradise does not have scientific justifications. “I have repeatedly brought to the attention of mankind that after the death of its owner, the epsilon matrix is ​​attracted to one of the poles in accordance with the laws of physics,” said the famous scientist. - The morality of the deceased is not related to this. Morality, like morality with ethics, is not a scientific concept at all. ” To the question of the journalist why in this case all more or less well-known politicians are in hell, Dr. Svodenberg retorted that this result fits into the general stochastic errors.

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New notation. The US Congress adopted Senator Andy Thompson’s proposal to ban the names “hell” and “paradise” due to their proven anti-science. These terms have been proposed to be replaced by other, more physical physical realities and named from the bottom up: ZM-1 (Afterlife - hell), ZM-2 (Earth world) and ZM-3 (Afterlife - heaven).

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News feed. In ZM-1, the temperature of the hell ranges from 230 to 250 ° C. In ZM-2, the global financial crisis continues, the collision of ships off the coast of Portugal, the terrorist act in Egypt, the release of the new operating system for the gluon-based Super-GLUON communication gadget. In ZM-3, the temperature is stable, 21 ° , melodies for Claude Debussy's harp are gaining popularity.

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ZM-1 need help. At the traditional annual meeting with his voters, United States President Rob Robinson said that temperature differences in MP-1 and MP-3 are unacceptable for a humanistic and democratic society. According to the president, the temperature in ZM-1 is too high for the normal existence of human souls. “Science should help these unfortunate people,” said Rob Robinson. - They got into a terrible inferno through no fault of their own, but because of the quark multidirectionality of the poles according to the Chaplaine scale, so I was told. If this is true, our duty is to correct a natural misstep. ” The statement of the American president is warmly supported by the international scientific community.

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Caligula slandered. The world community continues to discuss the sensational interview in "New Yoker" of the former Roman emperor Caligula, in which he accuses his contemporary Guy Suetonius Tranquill of tampering with historical facts. Contact with Guy Suetonius failed, and it is not known for sure whether the venerable historian is in ZM-1 or ZM-3.

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Found a way to alleviate the suffering of the unfortunate! According to reports from the research laboratory at the University of Tokyo, a way was found to reduce the temperature of the hell in ZM-1 by at least 40%. However, the technology is energy-consuming: it requires high power, correlated with the capacity of several large power plants. The presidents of France and Germany declared their readiness to support the project to alleviate the suffering of their former citizens, regardless of any expenses. There are lively discussions in the parliaments of European states.

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News feed. In ZM-1, the temperature of the furnace was about 240 ° C, in the lower layers it was at least 250-255 ° C. In ZM-2, the financial crisis, the strike of public transport drivers in Spain, continued the aerial bombardment of Bulgaria, which refused to participate in an ambitious project to reduce the temperature of the heat in ZM-1. In ZM-3, the temperature is comfortable, the melodies for Claude Debussy's harp retain high places in the ranking.

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Victims are served at the ECHR. About 3,000 Bulgarians, victims of the NATO bombings, protest about their forced relocation from ZM-2 to ZM-1 and ZM-3 and intend to submit to the European Court of Human Rights. The possibility of this is questionable in view of the fact that potential plaintiffs de facto do not exist, although they are able to express their will through a gluon bond. The Bulgarians are handled by the well-known law firm Terry & Terry.

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In ZM there are no problems. Project Manager at the Large Hadron Collider Charlie Bertons announced that the problem of lowering the temperature of the heap is theoretically resolved. The temperature in ZM-1 can be lowered either by inserting a powerful energy charge from ZM-2 - by creating gluon strings held by muon neutrinos in a dense beam - or by proportional temperature increase in ZM-3 by establishing between ZM-1 and ZM -3 so-called oscillatory temperature bridges. “In the second case,” explained Bertons his calculations, “the average temperature in ZM-1 and ZM-3 will be only about 100 ° C.”

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In the Nobel committee. The Nobel Committee made an unprecedented decision to admit deceased scientists to the competition in all nominations, subject to the personal submission of an application (through a living transponder). The published message states that the conditions of the Nobel nomination are changed due to the opening of ZM-1 and ZM-3. The decision provoked lively discussions in the national academies of sciences, as it greatly reduced the chances of undead academicians to become Nobel laureates. In the end, common sense and a sense of national pride prevailed, and two days after the announcement of the Nobel Committee for the award were posthumously advanced: from the Greek Academy of Sciences - Archimedes, from the French Academy of Sciences - Lavoisier, from the English Academy of Sciences - Newton.

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Oscillation bridge in action. For the first time, energy was transferred from ZM-3 to ZM-1 along the so-called oscillatory temperature walkway, according to the technology of Tokyo University and the Dutch company 6TT. A short-term cooling in ZM-1 by 1 ° C was recorded with a proportional increase in temperature in ZM-3. The leaders of the “Big Six” at the traditional annual meeting in Brussels called for scientific organizations to continue the experiments that had begun, up to a complete equalization of the climatic conditions in ZM-1 and ZM-3.

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Fears of green. Environmental organizations have expressed concern that ill-considered experimentation with the movement of energy flows between the ZM-3 and the ZM-1 will lead to an environmental disaster.

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Lennon gives concerts again. On NBC, the first posthumous concert of John Lennon was a resounding success. John sang vocals, he was accompanied by George Harrison. At the end of the concert, John Lennon said that he was looking forward to the moment when he could reunite with Paul and Ringo and restore the former glory of the Beatles.

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"Quantific" counted and shed a tear. The gluon communication corporation “Quantific” suffers enormous losses due to the refusal of the population of ZM-3 to communicate using Super-GLUON gadgets. The refusal was caused by a sharp warming in their afterworld, from 21 ° to 37 ° C. To the explanations of the director of public relations of Quantific corporation Tom Richmond that the warming in ZM-3 was caused by considerations of humanism, namely the need to cool down the inflow in ZM-1, the inhabitants of ZM-3 said: “after all, this is paradise, and we deserved a normal temperature. " Tom Richmond left this statement without comment. The free press is full of indignation about the selfish behavior of the inhabitants of ZM-3. The movement of energy along oscillatory bridges from ZM-3 to ZM-1 continues, but the shareholders of Quantific are close to panic.

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All people are equal. The Dutch parliament was the first European state to approve a bill on the equalization of rights for residents of ZM-2 with residents of ZM-1 and ZM-3. In the Czech Republic, Serbia and Turkey, a few gatherings were organized at the Dutch embassies, but on the whole the world community enthusiastically supported the Dutch initiative. The slogan “All men are equal, even if they died” becomes the slogan of the day.

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Perspective offer. The International Monetary Fund (IMF) announced the development of a monetary circulation project for ZM-1 and ZM-3. It is not quite clear how people in manual labor can earn in the next worlds, but it is obvious that people of creative professions - writers, musicians and programmers, will not remain without means of livelihood. According to Gerard Sawayi, Executive Secretary of the International Monetary Fund, the issue of cash circulation in ZM-1 and ZM-3 is not considered due to the obvious impossibility of its implementation.

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Temperature parity reached. For the first time, the complete equality of temperatures in ZM-1 and ZM-3 was established. The boycott from the population of ZM-3 continues, but is sporadic: it is known that the inhabitants of ZM-3 secretly talk over a gluon bond with their beloved relatives to complain about the unusual conditions of existence.

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In the US Congress. Senator Andy Thompson submitted a proposal to the US Congress on the fivefold increase in energy capacities being transferred from ZM-3 to ZM-1. “We are called upon to guard the interests of American citizens,” the senator said, “and the American corporation Quantific bears, through the fault of the inhabitants of ZM-3, unfair losses. Our duty is to take measures to restore justice, even coercive ones. In this connection, I propose to put the inhabitants of ZM-3 before an ultimatum: either they stop boycotting the use of the Super-GLUON gluon communication gadgets, or we raise the temperature in ZM-3 from 100 ° , common in all the afterlife worlds, to 150 ° or even 200 ° C, due to a corresponding decrease in temperature in the ZM-1. God with us! I think that the population of ZM-1 will support the American government in its undertaking. "

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The defense of the ZM-3 faltered. Recorded the first refugees from ZM-3. Several people contacted relatives on the gluon bond and asked to find out if it was possible to somehow get from here to ZM-1, where the climate is milder.

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