Newcomer

I propose a humorous fiction on the topic of finance for all, including aliens. Written (by me) back in 2003, first published in 2012, the collection “On the economy with a smile.”

Newcomer

198-456737-941.
Sar-bargkim. Hasha-manala-kapyvus. Mirapich-barat-sheraf.

198-456737-942.
Daratukh-lariga-bibydam.
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198-456737-943.
One two Three. One two Three. Try. Try. One two Three. It seems to work. The translation is clear, semantic distortion is normal. To achieve final compatibility, I switch to the native adverb. I give background information. A scientific expedition to the planet CV-8912-JR-67132 is entering a crucial stage. The purpose of the expedition is to study the alien forms of accounting. Tomorrow I intend to go to the free search. The spacecraft commander is a senior bob-gründer Ünergumsterdímaunus.

198-456737-944.
Dressed in stealth suit, out of the ship. The local civilization does not make a strong impression - a maximum of three or four points on the scale of intergalactic sanity. A typical machine-type ersatz civilization: multi-storey block hives, primitive vehicles. However, the availability of wireless communications allows us to hope for a developed accounting methodology.

Having flown between beehives, I tried to figure out in which of them the planetary bookkeeping might be located. No, things are not done so quickly - the surface is too large. Even accepting a considerable number of accountants who serve this remote planet - I think at least five or seven Aboriginal people - it is ridiculous to hope that they will be lucky to immediately identify one of them. Most likely, accountants are under the strictest protection, and planetary accounting is probably hidden away from prying eyes. I remember that at UQ-5902-NS-90174 accounting was located at a depth of forty-seven spatial units, almost at the level of magma, and at PZ-6718-LA-01748 it was placed into orbit and disguised as an asteroid. But nothing, we will find. We will get to the local center of accounting knowledge, and the accountants themselves will not hide. Not a single intelligent civilization has been able to conceal accounting secrets from the elder bob-gründel Ynergumstersdadymavunus.

In the next temporary unit I will start systematic searches with the help of special equipment.

198-456737-945.
Immediately after leaving the ship, the special equipment was jammed. But before she failed, she managed to show the incredible intensity of the internal accounting processes. This just does not happen! I do not understand how failure could have happened - I checked the equipment quite recently. This is the first time in my practice, when the technique went berserk.

Thoroughly tested the equipment - on the ship, it functions normally. However, it is necessary to go beyond the ship, as the arrow rests on the limiter. Still do not understand anything.

198-456737-947.
It seems to be starting to understand something. I suppose that I ran into so-called scattered accounting, which is extremely rare in the Universe. Checked on the onboard computer. According to his data, scattered accounting was noted only in sector 7623876. Local residents, owners of high bio-molecular technologies, scattered their three accountants into separate atoms, which were sprayed throughout the territory with the help of aircraft. Thus, accounting processes were performed, in order to disguise alien invasions, at the atomic level.

However, in this case, the accounting activity recorded by the equipment should, although evenly distributed, be several orders of magnitude less. Still does not converge.

198-456737-948.
I removed all the limiters from the equipment and lowered the scale by fifty orders of magnitude. Now the hardware has worked - but God, you are mine, what does it show! Something incredible.

Having decided to check everything thoroughly, he left the ship and aimed the sight at the nearest building. Of course, the equipment signaled the presence of accounting in this building. With such intensity, it is not surprising. At first I decided that the equipment had broken again - it is possible that due to the directed anti-accounting radiation, which my ship is subject to by local special accounting services of protection. I admit, such a prospect made my head process grow cold.

“No,” I said to myself, carefully considering the probability of my discovery with the masking screens turned on. - At the intellectual level of Aboriginal people it is impossible. They are still able to put a satellite into orbit or guess to protect their accounting data from alien search engines, but not at the same prohibitively high technological level! Civilization is quite ordinary. We must make sure that the equipment is lying.

How I was amazed when, having entered the invisible spacesuit inside the building, I first stumbled upon accounting! I literally did not believe my eye growths. On the door it was written: "Accounting." One two Three. One two Three. No, the translator seems to be working fine. This is really bookkeeping.

You hear, tribesmen and all thinking beings of the universe - a form of alien accounting is finally discovered !!! The elder bob-gründel Ynergumsterdimavunus does not give up so easily!

198-456737-950.
In spite of the joy of the rapid discovery of planetary accounting, which was abundantly appearing on the body, something continued to confuse me. Too quickly it all happened. Is there any primitive native tricks? - I thought.

Intuition did not let me down. Verification of nearby buildings showed that almost every one of them has its own accounting department. I understood that accounting is present in every building that the aborigines use for social functioning. In any case, on the narrow aisles, covered with plates on the hinges, hang signs: "Accounting", "Accounting Department" and "Women's Room". The translator translates these labels as being identical in meaning. On the contrary, in the buildings used by the aborigines for personal functioning, the accounting department is completely absent.

Now everything is completely clear to me. Since so many accounts on one planet are simply unimaginable, it remains to assume that false accounts are created by the natives in order to hide the only authentic one. Cunning, really cunning ... Nothing can be done, you have to start the search again.

198-456737-952.
False accounting reminds the real ones - in any case, the equipment qualifies them as real, not camouflage. If it was a bookkeeping, I would be quite sure that I had found what I was looking for, but an incredibly large number of them would not let me rest. Why do several million bookkeeping for one small planet?

198-456737-956.
Got it, finally got it! The native CV-8912-JR-67132 also used scattered bookkeeping tactics, but due to the lack of bio-molecular technologies, they were unable to disperse their planetary bookkeeping into separate atoms. The scattering was carried out into larger pieces, which they placed in separate hives. This is a real scientific revolution! Sensation! A revolution in accounting! This was nowhere to be found.

Primitive creatures from the planet CV-8912-JR-67132 believed that the elder bob-gründel Ynergumsdadimavunus would not understand their tricks. Not here it was! Tomorrow I'll start a detailed survey of accounting methodologies applied on this unique planet.

198-456737-964.
As many as twelve time units were involved in surveying the scattered bookkeeping of the planet CV-8912-JR-67132. To say that I am amazed means to say nothing.

First of all, I correlated the number of Aborigines residing in the “Accounting” cells with the number of all other Aborigines living on the planet. When I did, the eye outgrowths on my head process literally got out of the joints. It turned out that the ratio is not less than twenty-five percent, that is, not less than a quarter of the world's population are accountants. This is more than I could imagine, even recognizing the factor of scattered bookkeeping. To get scattered bookkeeping of such a degree of intensity, one would have to scatter a small satellite across the surface of the planet - like the one that is now circulating around it.

Was the accounting of this planet so powerful that it could fit on the planet itself only in a scattered form? And how was it arranged before it was scattered? And where did a quarter of the world's population live up to this point? The primitive space technologies that the aborigines have just mastered do not allow us to hope that the accountants made space travel to their workplaces.

198-456737-965.
I begin to think that the local accounting has ritual, not utilitarian character. This is not difficult to guess from the fact that it has not yet been possible to establish a link between accounting and economic activity, but three sub-accounts of accountants have been identified, with clearly distinguishable functions.

At the top functional level there is a limited number of privileged aborigines. This group is mainly engaged in the fact that it produces regulatory recommendations on how to handle accounting for representatives of other Aboriginal groups.

I myself am unable to understand the local accounting mythology, which is why I had to connect computer equipment to the analysis. However, when I put these regulatory recommendations into the analyzer, the on-board computer first chewed up the documentation, and then spat out a big chewed clump directly into my head process, after which it blinked with all its lights and turned off. I stood dumbfounded, not believing my eye outgrowths: I had not seen such a blatant equipment malfunction.

Attempts to fix the computer ended in complete and irrevocable fiasco. Following the space navigation code, I transferred control to the auxiliary computer. However, after I asked him to analyze the cause of the main computer breakdown, the auxiliary computer was filled with hysterical screech and also failed. I think it happened at that moment when he discovered the cause of the breakdown of the main computer.

It's a shame, very sad. Now returning home can be difficult.

I did not have time to get upset about the loss of both computers, as I realized that the regulatory accounting base that exists on this planet can be used as an ultra-modern electronic weapon. A simple injection into the electronic networks of the enemy of a couple of methodological recommendations on the accounting of inventory items is able to permanently disable any electronic system. I wonder if our specialists will find it permissible to use such a barbaric weapon or will they consider its use unethical? We'll see.

198-456737-966 (or ... 7? Without an on-board computer, it is difficult to determine).
Being upset because of computer breakdowns, I forgot to tell you about two other subspecies of accountants living on this planet.

So, the vital function of accountants of the second subspecies is to issue explanations that accountants of the first subspecies had in their regulatory recommendations. This function seems completely unintelligible, if you do not take into account the function of the third accounting sub-type, which are engaged in direct accounting, but cannot be fully implemented without guidelines. Why accountants of the first and third subspecies cannot communicate directly, without the mediation of their colleagues occupying an intermediate position, for a long time I could not understand. Finally, I came to the conclusion that the physiological differences were to blame.

The physiological differences between the accountants of the first and third subgroups are so great that they communicate with each other only through the accountants of the second group — communication is directly impossible. If lower-level accountants have brains in the two hemispheres of the upper process, then accountants who issue guidance materials are closer to the center of gravity, also divided into two hemispheres. I wonder where are the brains of their translators, with the help of which these two subspecies communicate? Probably somewhere in the middle.

You will need to pick up for the sample a couple of copies of each of these groups to make sure that the guesses are correct.

198-456737-965 (some date of October 2003 according to the local calendar).
He studied the representatives of the lower level as the most numerous accounting subspecies.

Paradoxically, the representatives of this group spend most of their time working on translating written and computer information. It seems that they have it called: “bang on the keyboard”. At the same time, the ersatz civilization has scanners that allow to transfer images to computer files. Such inappropriate expenditure of labor resources suggests extremely pleasant and rapid reproduction. However, the reproduction of native species is not the goal of my space visit. Breeding let biologists do.

October 2003 (according to the local calendar).
I got accustomed to the shoulder of one very nice Aboriginal, a typical representative of the third group, and study everything that she does. Her working time is following the following classes. First, the aboriginal writes out the so-called primary documents. This is what I do not understand, I do not understand. Why do I need to write primary documents, if this information is then still placed in computer files?

Sometimes the aboriginal first fills the information on the computer, and then prints it into their incomprehensible documents. I can't understand that either. Why do I need to print primary documents, if the information is still already recorded in computer files?

Sometimes Aboriginal documents come from the same Aboriginal from neighboring hives, which have their own accounting. Despite the fact that these documents have already been placed in computer files, it puts them in files again.

Frankly, I still have little sense in local specifics, but from my point of view, everything performed by my aboriginal is absurd. How is the transfer of written information to computer files related to accounting and why these primitive creatures do not use scanners? I can not imagine that such a lack of rationality was associated with something other than religious aspects. However, the data inherent in local civilization aspects no longer seem to me so awful, as they seemed before.

November 2003.
I continue to study closely. It leads to more and more unexpected results. It turns out that native accountants are also engaged in the so-called reporting. But why do you need to generate reports, if the information is already in the computer?

I wonder if they will understand on my home planet what accounting records are and why do we need to form it? Joke or what? There will be laughter when the elder bob-gründel Ynergumsterdadimununus forms the financial statements!

The end of November 2003.
The accounting methodology used by the aborigines is gradually becoming clear. It seems that it is determined by the so-called accounts, in which the records of objects are kept. Accounts are split in two, and entries are made either on the left or on the right. These stupid creatures - my counterpart among them - are absolutely sure that only by writing down an object on one side of the account, they can take it into account. The score collapses with its halves, and the object is fixed in it, as if smeared on one side or the other. This is very similar to a hunting trap. I think that accounting accounts are another one of the sacred sides of local accounting, inherited from the inevitable for any civilization pores, when the distant ancestors of current accountants were engaged in hunting. Hence the trap.

Amazingly interesting and pulls into an intergalactic scientific prize. What can not but rejoice.

November 27, 2003.
There is no limit to my surprise and joy. Surprise stands out all over the body as I come across everything with new and new oddities of the local accounting, and joy as I begin to master its unimaginable methodology.

It seems, I understood what correspondence of accounts means. It is impossible to explain this in our language, since there is an untranslatable pun. However, I am not sure that my aboriginal person himself knows why billing correspondence is needed. She is hardly aware of this, but she is confidently using this correspondence.

Following the Aboriginal I, trying to master the local accounting, I repeat with enchantment: “We will settle this currency debt on the sixtieth account of payments to suppliers and contractors, and we assign the exchange difference on it due to non-operating expenses” or “To cover unallocated profit, we would have to cover unpaid loss ". It is good that the on-board computer is broken, because, having heard these mysterious religious formulas, it would have gone astray again. Technique reacts poorly to the manifestation of religious ecstasy.

My observations in this temporary unit were interrupted by sounds from a nearby cell: “Tamara Nikolaevna! Where is the thirteenth statement? I reversed the expenses of future periods in the last quarter, but nothing passes through the main book. ” My aboriginal sped off into the next cell, and I took her paper sheets into the side shoots and looked into them.It is amazing what significance aliens attach to the location of details on the surface: any deviation from the intended standard is regarded by them as a crime, despite the fact that the information in the event of a change in the location of details remains unchanged.

I still have a lot to learn, although the term of a business trip to the planet CV-8912-JR-67132 is approaching an inexorable and logical end. Do not forget to take the form of the local travel certificate and report on it. As in most other forms, there is no sense in the form of a travel certificate if you have computers, but it has a strange spellbinding effect. Undoubtedly, in accounting and religious ecstasy, which the population of this planet devoutly practices, there is a certain attraction. I, too, seem to be starting to fall under the influence of clerical charm. Do not forget when I return to the ship, take an ionic disinfectant shower.

November 29, 2003.
It was possible to notice the mistake that the aboriginal made. I could barely resist, so as not to shout to her through the invisibility spacesuit: “Fool stuffed, what are you doing! Do you not know that the account "Fixed Assets" with the account "Sales" does not correspond! ".

Sit in her place someone more intelligent, like me, such a mistake would never have been made.

November 30, 2003.
Ionic shower does not help. Some time after disinfection in the head process seems to clear up, however, the eye outgrowths are still in a fog.

Since the on-board computer is broken, I begin to forget what the tactics of collecting accounting information are. However, accounting activity on this planet is so great that any tactic will pay off a hundredfold.

December 4, 2003.
He came to the conclusion that my aboriginal is not doing a good job. She just does not have time. It does not have time, because there are enough personnel. It is ridiculous to say, there are only two employees per one reporting cell, while at least three aborigines are registered with materials! .. What does the chief accountant think about ?! Does he not understand that the year is ending and that he has to sign annual reports? I suspect that the chief accountant is thinking only about how not to spoil the relationship with the general director of his hive, and he does not give a damn about his subordinate accountants. Unprecedented, even in universal scale, irresponsibility!

If in the next week the chief accountant does not give my aboriginal another person to help, I do not know what to do with him. However, space intelligence instructions prohibit interfering with accounting on planets that are ranked below seven on an intergalactic sanity scale.

December 14, 2003 (until the end of the reporting period 17 days).
All onboard computers are broken. In order not to waste time in vain, I copied the accounting information of the hive, which I was examining, and in the evenings I practice writing an income statement. An accountant should be responsible for the case entrusted to him, right?

My aboriginal man also takes work at home, so I’m not alone in my evening classes. By the way, do not take it with you to space? I'll think about this topic.

15 2003 ( 16 ).
The end of the reporting period and the period of my departure from the galactic business trip are inexorably approaching. During the trip collected a wealth of factual material. Approximate correspondence of accounts is established. Personally issued travel certificate. Completed annual income statement. Departmental reporting forms are loaded into the free compartments of the spacecraft - it is a pity that there was not enough space for all forms. But I scored everything I could, even an ion shower stall! But there are still many departmental forms, too many. According to my hand-made estimates, if all the forms of departmental accounting reports collected in the hive alone are laid out from the pile on the surface, they can be covered with a meteorite of medium size. What kind of magnificence! Colleagues just go crazy,when they get acquainted with all this.

And I did it all, the eldest bob-grundel Ynergumstersdadivavunus! Ay yes I am! Boo-uhgalter, my dear accountant ...

December 19, 2003 (until the end of the reporting period of 12 days).
Finally decided to leave the natives on her home planet. I can’t deliver such joy to the chief accountant of the hive. It would be too cruel to my Aboriginal in particular, and accounting in general.

December 25, 2003 (6 days before the end of the reporting period).
My God, I fly away less than a week before the end of the reporting period! It is almost unbearable. Goodbye CV-8912-JR-67132 goodbye!

My side limbs tremble, and my outgrowths are watery. All the time I think: somehow my aboriginal will pass? Do not wrap statements in the tax? Do not impose penalties on the basis of a desk audit? Do the consolidated department award my hive for a year? Will the chief accountant continue to curry favor with the financial director, and will he intrigue against the accounting department? What new regulatory guidance will financial authorities release? when should we expect the latest changes to the tax code?

My soul is restless, but the stars are called. The journey home without an onboard computer will take longer than usual. It remains to hope that it will be possible to go around the Milky Way from memory.

In order to somehow pass the time in flight, I intend to transfer the accounting of the spacecraft to the native methodology. It’s bad that the on-board computer is broken, and I cannot print the available data on the balance sheet, especially since the printer on my spacecraft for some reason is not provided. The designers have failed. This means that it will be necessary to conduct an introductory inventory manually - of course, it should be timed to the 1st of January as the beginning of the new reporting period. Great, just great! There is almost no time left for preparatory activities, so it’s time to roll out on the side branches of the sleeve. Although no sleeves on my space workwear seem to be provided. Like most space workwear. Local untranslatable wordplay. Ha ha ha! ..

The spacecraft commander is a senior bob-gründer Ünergumsterdímaunus. Call me just Vadik.