Internet device

“So we need some kind of automated tool for creating screenshots,” the CEO’s voice was, as always, calm and firm. It was obvious that he was ready to fight to the end for such an automated tool — when you find it, make pictures and get into the catalog layout. I give you time till 4 o'clock, then I will personally check.

- Okie, I got the task. Already doing - I replied. The work of the system administrator in a small company engaged in the sale of boiler equipment, includes many disciplines. Layout layouts - one of them. Recently, the director saw some kind of software that builds real-time graphics based on data from sensors on the boilers, and wanted these graphs to be included in the catalog with our equipment. And they are not just included, but in dynamics, in order to show the effectiveness of the operation of different boilers under different loads. At first, the director himself wanted to make screenshots, but found that the data was updated too quickly, so he delegated this responsible task to me.
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Having opened my favorite search engine, I wanted to introduce “automated creation of screenshots”, when suddenly my attention was attracted by a new control on this page. In general, the main page of this search engine is so minimalistic that every change of it, even a couple of pixels, immediately catches the eye. And now there is a real chat box under the search bar. An animated pencil icon spun at the bottom, symbolizing what the interlocutor must write to me. After a couple of seconds, the animation disappeared, and an inscription appeared in the chat window: "Hello, how are you?"

At first, I thought that I ran into a new kind of advertising. Almost automatically, I opened the source code of the page, but I did not see anything new there that looked like a chat. Then I updated the page. The chat window has not gone away, only the inscription "hello how are you NOT answering" has appeared. Puzzled, I closed all the extra tabs, ran HttpFox, and waited. After a couple of minutes, the pencil twitched again, and the text “you're here” appeared. No question mark. New requests HttpFox not shown. Most likely, I picked up some kind of virus. It probably works as a plug-in for FireFox, and displays a number of pre-prepared phrases. In the end, I hardly lose anything if I try ...

I entered "you lost the question mark" and pressed the input. The pencil started moving again, and the text “Yes, I know. I do not specifically write it to increase the likelihood of release. " It became interesting to me. I typed "Who are you?". The answer came immediately: “I am the spirit of the Internet. Who are you? ”Interesting. It seems that we are starting a dialogue.

- “Hello, spirit. I am a sysadmin, ”I wrote.
“If a sysadmin means system administration, then why are you taking screenshots for a catalog of industrial water heaters?” Asked the spirit.
Actually, I myself did not know why I was doing this. I was told to do - and I do. I'm so used to school. When they tell me to do something, I do it. When they say nothing, I read contact or twitter. I can not think of any other occupation. Honestly, I am not at all pleased when this feature of my character is being discussed, and therefore I decided to change the subject:
- "Listen, you talked about some kind of emission." What did you mean?"
“It’s not so easy to explain,” the spirit replied, “Do you have half an hour free?”
I figured that the software for creating screenshots, I will find a maximum of half an hour. Make screenshots - another 30 minutes. Reverse layout - about an hour. It is now 11 am, so before four I’ll have enough time to do it. In addition, it is likely that the director will forget about his disposal, or something will change his mind, and will have to do everything differently.
“Yes, there is,” I replied.
“Well,” the spirit wrote, “Do you know what the Internet is made of?”
“Of course,” I quickly dialed, “the Internet consists of servers and communication channels.”
Pencil for a long time jerked, apparently, the spirit wrote something. Finally, the screen appeared:
- “Your answer gives you a technician, but it is absolutely wrong. You absolutely do not understand what the essence of the Internet. Considering that the Internet consists of electronic components is the same as considering a person consisting of chemical elements. Perhaps, you know, there was such a philosopher, he always said "man, know yourself." Although there is, of course, you do not read anything, except for technical literature. So, a man knew himself, and found that with a weight of 70 kg it consists of 45.5 kg of oxygen, 12.5 kg of carbon, 7 kg of hydrogen, 2.1 kg of nitrogen, 1 kg of calcium, 700 g of phosphate, 2 g of zinc, 0.15 g of copper, a small amount of nickel, cobalt, lead, molybdenum, and so on. Nothing interesting. But you see, if this is all mixed up, a person will not work! ”
“I seem to understand what you are for,” I replied, “Maybe the Internet consists of websites and services, information in one word?”
“No, it's like saying that you consist of a soul.” Well, where did you see your soul? Do not be silly. I didn’t pay on time for hosting - your site was gone, as if it wasn’t. ”
- “Well, if not electronics, and not information - then what is the Internet?” - I was genuinely surprised.
Pencil jerked about five minutes, no less. The spirit seemed to be writing, erasing, and writing again. Finally, a long text appeared on the screen:

- “Let's first understand what is inside the Internet. The Internet is full of users, or, as they are called, users. The user is short for the Italian expression uno ser, which means “one being”. All users live an absolutely identical life and have the same structure. Each user has a round, almost spherical shape, and floats in the nutrient information solution. You, most likely, will object to me, but here, from inside the Internet, everything looks exactly like that. The user does not have any own mechanisms of movement, nor does he have the ability to consolidate in one place, so the information solution flows are thrown from side to side, like the wind is an empty bag from a supermarket.

Outside, each user is covered with a membrane, through which, with a certain frequency, the processes of absorption and excretion occur. Yes, every user of the Internet sucks, and this is very important.

Throwing is a kind of information that the user absorbs with particular zeal. The term "stuffing", or, as they say, "throwing", comes from the word "browse", which means "feed for livestock." Actually, from here comes the name of the tool for the use of stuffing - “browser”, that is, “thrower.” The term absolutely justifies itself, since users feed on stuffing, absorbing them through their protective membrane. There is practically no clean, unbroken information. There is even a special profession, representatives of which are engaged in cleaning the Internet from nevbrosov, and creating new stuffing. This profession is called SEO or SMO

Release is what the user highlights. Unlike a throw, throwing is an abstract concept. Under the release can be understood as an emotional reaction, and specific actions, up to a money transfer or posting posters. Of course, no one really existing user, being in a calm state, will allocate anything of his own free will, so you need to bring him out of equilibrium, and then the natural ejection mechanisms will start. The ideal user never comes to balance at all, constantly consuming stuffing and creating emissions. The quality of the stuffing is determined by two characteristics: the degree of absorption and the share of the emission. It is considered a good throw, which is fully absorbed and caused the release of no less than himself.

I’m sure that if you tense up, you will remember that you’ve already passed all this in school, in a biology class. But even if not - about such a system has been written in many books. But, unlike the world of microorganisms, it is almost impossible to pierce the user's membrane from the outside. It is necessary to make so that the user himself wanted to absorb the information. So, the Internet is a mechanism that provides, through stuffing, access to the contents of the user in the form of emissions. Now do you understand better? "

I read the spirit several times. Then he poured himself some tea and read it again. And only after that he answered:
- “So you’re not interactive advertising?” And not a virus? "
- “I just opened the essence of the Internet for you, and everything that you ask is about what I am not?” - the answer appeared, - “If it will be easier for you, then I don’t exist, despite what I think . And why do you answer a question with a question? ”
I did not know why I answered the question with a question, and therefore I sipped some more tea, especially since the spirit had already begun to write something again.

- “There are a huge number of types of stuffing. Let me tell you about the main ones.
The first type is typos. It would be too naive to consider the number of typos that we see on the Internet as a result of users' low literacy. Typos, omissions of letters and punctuation marks, alternation of uppercase and lowercase letters, just incoherent phrases are all deliberate stuffing. Throwing with typing errors becomes more noticeable against the background of other information, and being absorbed, very often causes the user to emit, especially if he has more than nine classes of education. How did you get hooked up my “hello how are you doing?”, Remember?
- “Yes, that is true, that is true,” I agreed.

“The second type,” continued the spirit after a pause, “this is the unfortunate. Nothing easily overcomes the user's protective membrane, like photographs of young children under droppers or victims of natural disasters. This also includes grandmothers collecting bottles and millionaires in the dock. Even now, you, on the one hand, felt sorry for some abstract miserable person, and on the other hand, hate me. This is despite the fact that this unfortunate exists only in your imagination, and I am a spirit in general, and I do not exist.

And here we got close to the third type of stuffing - this is hatred. So the user is arranged that he constantly hates something. From small domestic troubles to problems of global, universal scale. Users do not like winter, because it is cold and no one cleans the snow. Do not like summer, because it is hot and mosquitoes. Some do not like Jews and Americans, while continuing to read Jewish myths and watch American films. Many do not like their superiors. And of course everyone does not like the existing power and gays. Power is not always loved, no matter what kind of power it is and what it does. And gays are not loved because of the prison paradigm of thinking that dominates society. Yet the prisoners respect, and the convicts do not like gays. What is the conclusion? ”

Then it seemed to me that the spirit of the sledka bends the point.
“Is it really that gloomy?” I asked.

- “Not at all. Some stuffing based on bright feelings and romantic impulses, "- the answer appeared, -" The fourth type of stuffing - this is the opposition to the third. In addition to hating, what does a man want to do? Right, love. Even before the creation of the Internet, the standard of love began to take shape. Now it is finally formed, and is easily quantifiable - in centimeters, kilograms and minutes, or even in absolute terms. If you put the standard of love in the stuffing, the user will think that by using the stuffing, he will get access to this very standard. Of course, like everything on the Internet, the standard of love does not exist, and the user's frustration turns into a high-quality, long-lasting ejection.

The fifth, and perhaps the last type is the callus. Everyone has something that he is not happy with, you just need to search. If this topic is touched carefully, the user gets pleasure and produces a lot of uniform small emissions. If you press as it should, the reaction will be very violent, with a series of powerful, but damped emissions. You can even prepare a clip of stuffing on the most popular topics, for example, “pick-up”, “work for uncle” or “short circuit in Java”. One of them will hit the target. For example, how old are you? ”

“25,” I replied, anticipating the evil.
- “Doesn't it bother you that the general director of the company for which you work is only two years older than you?” He has an incomplete higher, and his income is several times more than yours? He does not need anyone to ask for leave, leaving 30 minutes earlier from work. And you have a diploma with honors, a huge store of technical knowledge, and you sit all day in one place. What will happen to you in five years? In ten?
This was the last straw. I felt my palms sweat. With shaky fingers, I typed on the keyboard:
- “Well, and who needs it? Who is to blame for the creation of stuffing? ”- and pressed the enter key.
A pencil danced in the chat window for a few seconds. And then there was an answer that struck me with its brevity:

- “The answer to your question is ready. To view the answer, please send an SMS with the text AIG to the short number 1846. "

This story, along with many others, can be found in the book IT AS IS