Why do we listen but not hear?
At school, each of us was repeatedly told about the need to be a good conversationalist, not interrupt, listen to the end, be polite and attentive. And the main emphasis in this educational speech of teachers was just on politeness: if you do not listen, it means that you are not able to behave, impolite and ill-mannered. Shame on you at all!
In my opinion, this approach in our education system remains to this day. Correct me if I am wrong. Therefore, when American colleagues showed me their view on this problem in communication, I was delighted! Their approach was different from ours in that the focus was not on the need for certain abstract qualities, such as politeness, patience, tolerance and the desire to come to an agreement, but on understanding the specific mechanisms that guide our emotions and perceptions during a conversation and the ability to control them . Another distinctive point is not politeness, it's just that when we do not listen, we miss opportunities.
Allow my dear friends to share with you the basics of my favorite listening training.
')
So when we do not listen, we miss opportunities. How does this happen? Remember the student years, namely, some seminar lesson. In our universities, the majority of students at the seminar convulsively re-read their own report again and again, at best listening with the edge of their ears, about what the rest of them report. In principle, the original purpose of the seminar involves the active exchange of information, and not its free flow from each of the speakers into the space. Moreover, seminar reports often duplicate questions for tests and exams. So why not listen to them, since you still have to attend a couple, in order to save time when preparing for the exam? In fact, none of the students repeating their report ignores other speakers consciously or deliberately, he simply cannot switch. The approach of my American colleagues to the problem is based on the fact that most often we stop listening unconsciously, under the influence of various emotional stimuli.
So we came to the first emotional state, which hinders our objective perception of information - the desire to impress the interlocutor and the inability to switch to something else. This can happen anywhere, not just in student workshops. A very typical situation is a job interview, where the attention of the majority of candidates is focused mainly on how to best tell about themselves, to impress the employer. At the same time, much escapes the attention of candidates: the employer's remarks about the company's policies, requirements, overtime, and sometimes the essence of his questions. I remember, in the training prepared by my American colleagues, there was such an example: during an interview at a travel agency, the employer mentioned the close cooperation of their company with ski resorts, and also allowed himself a short story about his own vacation at one of these resorts. The mention of the employer about the ski resorts very much inspired the candidate, because he had a great experience working with such areas, so that while the employer was telling about his vacation, the candidate, smiling and jerking, started thinking about how to better present all his experience. and knowledge. As soon as the employer finished his story, the candidate, exclaiming “How great it is!” Began to talk about his extensive experience. In fact, everything was not so great: in the middle of his story, the employer mentioned that he broke his leg during the holidays due to the resort’s vague observance of safety rules, and also stressed the need to reliably check information and reviews about all the resorts. The candidate, absorbed in thinking about his response, did not hear it ...
At first glance, this situation may seem absurd, but the paradox is that it occurs more than often. For examples to prove its relevance will not have to go far - they are full and in our Habré. Remember how often a user wrote a comment to you in response, obviously grabbing just a phrase from your article and obviously not reading the rest. Such a phrase is a good example of an emotional trigger that captures the reader's attention, provoking him to an immediate emotional response. Having caught on this phrase, he is no longer able to read your further explanations, which, perhaps, are called upon to even refute this very phrase. Under the control of emotions, your reader loses the objectivity of perception.
The essence of the training, dedicated to the ability to listen, namely to objectively perceive information, is to understand the nature of the occurrence of such emotional stimuli and learn to ignore them.
It is noteworthy that in the US, children are taught this from school age. They are taught to understand what is important, not who and how he speaks, what he says is important. This principle underlies the understanding of the nature of such an emotional irritant, such as the appearance and manner of the speaker to present information. The most banal example of such a situation can be that we often meet in clothes, we listen more to those who show more perseverance, who seem to us more solid, who speaks more confidently. When someone modestly tells us that his path or invention is more rational, we do not listen, only to then criticize another manufacturer who has managed to conquer the market. Togo, whose products we ourselves have chosen.
Obviously, all our advertising is based on emotional triggers. If we are not able to deal with them, we buy shares of MMM, because we like the good-natured face of Leoni Golubkov, and not because at least we know what the letters of AO, LLC or JSC mean to us - everything seems to be from one opera. Being led by emotions is easier than thinking.
But let's move away from this example of an era that has already passed, and suppose what other situations may arise around such an emotional stimulus as the appearance and manner of the speaker express information. Yes, actually, whatever. I love foreign languages, especially Spanish, although I speak it at a very basic level so far. And what Spanish sounds like! You heard? Amazing! And here with Spanish videos I often have problems, because when I watch, my attention is often focused not on the information itself, but on the pronunciation of the announcer and his magnificent Spanish “rrr”. To comprehend all the information often have to look twice. This is another example of a distracting emotional stimulus that needs to be able to ignore.
In general, the list of such irritants associated with the appearance and manner of the speaker, is endless. This is a pleasant velvety baritone or a squeaky hard-to-bear voice; a short skirt, sexy looks or ridiculous clothes from a grandmother's chest; clear, consistent or inconsistent presentation; calm or excitement of the speaker - in other words, everything that can switch your attention from the topic of conversation to another wave. Of course, sometimes you need to be vigilant and identify some suspicious details in the behavior of the interlocutor, however, we ourselves do not suspect how often and how much we exaggerate this need. It is easier for us to think of ourselves as Sherlock and to make deductive conclusions about the welfare and social position of the interlocutor on his shoes, rather than trying to figure out whether it makes sense to what he says. Numerous works of psychologists about people's behavior, gestures indicating stealth or benevolence, etc., as well as intriguing, but pseudoscientific series like “Lie to me” took us far from the essence of the question - we no longer listen to what we are told , but only how we are told.
Another emotional state that stands in the way of adequate perception is prejudice. Very often, based on our past experience, we decide in advance that the topic is beaten, irrelevant, or we have eaten a dog on this topic, so no one can tell us anything new. Our experience plays a cruel joke with us - how often, just after hearing the topic of the report or after reading the title, we immediately start emotional thoughts about how much you can talk about it, while the narrator reveals a new interesting aspect of the old phenomenon. But alas, absorbed by the emotions, we no longer hear.
Efficiency The conclusion from the above is simple - why don't we look at everything from a different angle and try to ignore minor emotional stimuli instead of betraying them a special meaning, allowing them to lead us away from the gist of the question? Is this what we pay so much attention to? Or is it just easier for us to consider it paramount?
American schoolchildren are trained not to respond to emotional stimuli and overcome emotional states that interfere with the objectivity of perception, using the example of simple situations.
Situation 1. At school, the teacher talked about rendering first aid for a heart attack. John immediately remembered his grandfather, who died after such an attack. The whole lesson John sat immersed in his dark memories. John did not remember anything from what the teacher said about providing assistance.
Situation 2. On the first date, John was mainly thinking about how to impress Mary and missed a lot of her stories about herself and her friends. The next time John called Mary to invite him to the cinema, it turned out that the film he planned to go to, Mary had already managed to watch. Moreover, she even managed to mention it at their last meeting, but John missed it by the ears.
Situation 3. Jane saw a program on TV where they discussed the effect of sports overload on a woman’s health. She was one of the few girls involved in car sports. She was often not entirely correctly told that her occupation was not for girls. Such comments had already bothered Jane, moreover, such reflections, as well as stories about women behind the wheel, had long caused her indignation. Hearing only the topic of the program and a few introductory phrases of the presenter, Jane immediately decided that this program, like other incorrect remarks, would discriminate against women. Jane wrote a blog post full of outrage at such programs, without hearing the advice of the experts invited to the program on how to stay in shape, monitor health and avoid injury.
And so on. There are usually quite a few situations.
Children are also offered to name the reason for the neglect of the actors in such situations:
1) a strong emotional stimulus that causes personal, subjective positive or negative experiences;
2) the desire to impress the interlocutor and the inability to cope with the excitement and switch to something else;
3) premature conviction that the information is uninteresting or irrelevant;
4) the appearance of the interlocutor or features of his behavior.
After discussing the situations proposed by the teacher, children are asked to remember whether they have had to deal with such manifestations of the influence of emotional stimuli, and to give examples of such situations.
In other words, already at school age they are taught to look at things from a slightly different angle. Maybe we should take a look?
In my opinion, this approach in our education system remains to this day. Correct me if I am wrong. Therefore, when American colleagues showed me their view on this problem in communication, I was delighted! Their approach was different from ours in that the focus was not on the need for certain abstract qualities, such as politeness, patience, tolerance and the desire to come to an agreement, but on understanding the specific mechanisms that guide our emotions and perceptions during a conversation and the ability to control them . Another distinctive point is not politeness, it's just that when we do not listen, we miss opportunities.
Allow my dear friends to share with you the basics of my favorite listening training.
')
So when we do not listen, we miss opportunities. How does this happen? Remember the student years, namely, some seminar lesson. In our universities, the majority of students at the seminar convulsively re-read their own report again and again, at best listening with the edge of their ears, about what the rest of them report. In principle, the original purpose of the seminar involves the active exchange of information, and not its free flow from each of the speakers into the space. Moreover, seminar reports often duplicate questions for tests and exams. So why not listen to them, since you still have to attend a couple, in order to save time when preparing for the exam? In fact, none of the students repeating their report ignores other speakers consciously or deliberately, he simply cannot switch. The approach of my American colleagues to the problem is based on the fact that most often we stop listening unconsciously, under the influence of various emotional stimuli.
So we came to the first emotional state, which hinders our objective perception of information - the desire to impress the interlocutor and the inability to switch to something else. This can happen anywhere, not just in student workshops. A very typical situation is a job interview, where the attention of the majority of candidates is focused mainly on how to best tell about themselves, to impress the employer. At the same time, much escapes the attention of candidates: the employer's remarks about the company's policies, requirements, overtime, and sometimes the essence of his questions. I remember, in the training prepared by my American colleagues, there was such an example: during an interview at a travel agency, the employer mentioned the close cooperation of their company with ski resorts, and also allowed himself a short story about his own vacation at one of these resorts. The mention of the employer about the ski resorts very much inspired the candidate, because he had a great experience working with such areas, so that while the employer was telling about his vacation, the candidate, smiling and jerking, started thinking about how to better present all his experience. and knowledge. As soon as the employer finished his story, the candidate, exclaiming “How great it is!” Began to talk about his extensive experience. In fact, everything was not so great: in the middle of his story, the employer mentioned that he broke his leg during the holidays due to the resort’s vague observance of safety rules, and also stressed the need to reliably check information and reviews about all the resorts. The candidate, absorbed in thinking about his response, did not hear it ...
At first glance, this situation may seem absurd, but the paradox is that it occurs more than often. For examples to prove its relevance will not have to go far - they are full and in our Habré. Remember how often a user wrote a comment to you in response, obviously grabbing just a phrase from your article and obviously not reading the rest. Such a phrase is a good example of an emotional trigger that captures the reader's attention, provoking him to an immediate emotional response. Having caught on this phrase, he is no longer able to read your further explanations, which, perhaps, are called upon to even refute this very phrase. Under the control of emotions, your reader loses the objectivity of perception.
The essence of the training, dedicated to the ability to listen, namely to objectively perceive information, is to understand the nature of the occurrence of such emotional stimuli and learn to ignore them.
It is noteworthy that in the US, children are taught this from school age. They are taught to understand what is important, not who and how he speaks, what he says is important. This principle underlies the understanding of the nature of such an emotional irritant, such as the appearance and manner of the speaker to present information. The most banal example of such a situation can be that we often meet in clothes, we listen more to those who show more perseverance, who seem to us more solid, who speaks more confidently. When someone modestly tells us that his path or invention is more rational, we do not listen, only to then criticize another manufacturer who has managed to conquer the market. Togo, whose products we ourselves have chosen.
Obviously, all our advertising is based on emotional triggers. If we are not able to deal with them, we buy shares of MMM, because we like the good-natured face of Leoni Golubkov, and not because at least we know what the letters of AO, LLC or JSC mean to us - everything seems to be from one opera. Being led by emotions is easier than thinking.
But let's move away from this example of an era that has already passed, and suppose what other situations may arise around such an emotional stimulus as the appearance and manner of the speaker express information. Yes, actually, whatever. I love foreign languages, especially Spanish, although I speak it at a very basic level so far. And what Spanish sounds like! You heard? Amazing! And here with Spanish videos I often have problems, because when I watch, my attention is often focused not on the information itself, but on the pronunciation of the announcer and his magnificent Spanish “rrr”. To comprehend all the information often have to look twice. This is another example of a distracting emotional stimulus that needs to be able to ignore.
In general, the list of such irritants associated with the appearance and manner of the speaker, is endless. This is a pleasant velvety baritone or a squeaky hard-to-bear voice; a short skirt, sexy looks or ridiculous clothes from a grandmother's chest; clear, consistent or inconsistent presentation; calm or excitement of the speaker - in other words, everything that can switch your attention from the topic of conversation to another wave. Of course, sometimes you need to be vigilant and identify some suspicious details in the behavior of the interlocutor, however, we ourselves do not suspect how often and how much we exaggerate this need. It is easier for us to think of ourselves as Sherlock and to make deductive conclusions about the welfare and social position of the interlocutor on his shoes, rather than trying to figure out whether it makes sense to what he says. Numerous works of psychologists about people's behavior, gestures indicating stealth or benevolence, etc., as well as intriguing, but pseudoscientific series like “Lie to me” took us far from the essence of the question - we no longer listen to what we are told , but only how we are told.
Another emotional state that stands in the way of adequate perception is prejudice. Very often, based on our past experience, we decide in advance that the topic is beaten, irrelevant, or we have eaten a dog on this topic, so no one can tell us anything new. Our experience plays a cruel joke with us - how often, just after hearing the topic of the report or after reading the title, we immediately start emotional thoughts about how much you can talk about it, while the narrator reveals a new interesting aspect of the old phenomenon. But alas, absorbed by the emotions, we no longer hear.
Efficiency The conclusion from the above is simple - why don't we look at everything from a different angle and try to ignore minor emotional stimuli instead of betraying them a special meaning, allowing them to lead us away from the gist of the question? Is this what we pay so much attention to? Or is it just easier for us to consider it paramount?
American schoolchildren are trained not to respond to emotional stimuli and overcome emotional states that interfere with the objectivity of perception, using the example of simple situations.
Situation 1. At school, the teacher talked about rendering first aid for a heart attack. John immediately remembered his grandfather, who died after such an attack. The whole lesson John sat immersed in his dark memories. John did not remember anything from what the teacher said about providing assistance.
Situation 2. On the first date, John was mainly thinking about how to impress Mary and missed a lot of her stories about herself and her friends. The next time John called Mary to invite him to the cinema, it turned out that the film he planned to go to, Mary had already managed to watch. Moreover, she even managed to mention it at their last meeting, but John missed it by the ears.
Situation 3. Jane saw a program on TV where they discussed the effect of sports overload on a woman’s health. She was one of the few girls involved in car sports. She was often not entirely correctly told that her occupation was not for girls. Such comments had already bothered Jane, moreover, such reflections, as well as stories about women behind the wheel, had long caused her indignation. Hearing only the topic of the program and a few introductory phrases of the presenter, Jane immediately decided that this program, like other incorrect remarks, would discriminate against women. Jane wrote a blog post full of outrage at such programs, without hearing the advice of the experts invited to the program on how to stay in shape, monitor health and avoid injury.
And so on. There are usually quite a few situations.
Children are also offered to name the reason for the neglect of the actors in such situations:
1) a strong emotional stimulus that causes personal, subjective positive or negative experiences;
2) the desire to impress the interlocutor and the inability to cope with the excitement and switch to something else;
3) premature conviction that the information is uninteresting or irrelevant;
4) the appearance of the interlocutor or features of his behavior.
After discussing the situations proposed by the teacher, children are asked to remember whether they have had to deal with such manifestations of the influence of emotional stimuli, and to give examples of such situations.
In other words, already at school age they are taught to look at things from a slightly different angle. Maybe we should take a look?
Source: https://habr.com/ru/post/123628/
All Articles