Ax porridge

Today we are moving smoothly to the other side of the barricades - to the camp of the Great Customer. Because it will be about consultants. About specialists, I am not afraid of this word, of business efficiency. Material, of course, comic, entertaining, frivolous. In the end, it's Friday, June, again. If this text is suddenly read by real-life consultants, let them not be offended. We are still with them a little colleague. And even if by the end of the short note I slightly raised the degree of denunciating pathos (I used the word “ass” 2 times and once used the word “horseradish”), then it was for preventive and educational purposes only.

Matchmakers have arrived! (sketch)

They make an appointment in advance. Be sure to put forward their own conditions, as the last word should always be behind them. For example, require corporate parking. You can refuse them, and they will not be offended, they will pretend that they have not noticed, because they are androids. Artificially grown creatures, in every way improved and modified.

This time there were two of them, and they were burned to the fullest. Their inhuman nature manifested itself in the absolute synchrony of their actions.

They are in equally expensive suits, ties are immaculately tied, shoes are polished in front of your door with a special portable sponge with glycerin. They give you hands, their palms are dry, and the handshake is moderately strong, encouraging. They do not sit down right away. First you watch a kind of ballet:
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They put the same leather cases on the table. From the cases extracted the same thin 12-inch laptops. Next to the laptops are gilded diaries in leather covers. Next to the diaries put the same Parker pens. They turn their company logo up. Then there are gilded business card holders also with the company logo. Then Blackberry (or iPhone) phones are removed. This is a corporate tube. Then top business phone models (or another iPhone) are extracted. This is a personal tube. Then open the lid of laptops. Androids are waiting for computers to boot. They sit down. They make a characteristic movement with their hands forward. So that it can be seen expensive watches. They lean slightly in your direction. They are ready…


The drawing depicts the phenomenon of the office of ordinary consultants to you. I specifically emphasized the word "rank and file", since it is for them that you, the manager, or, God forbid, the business owner, are the main food supply. Do not be confused by their masquerade and the whole circus: they are soldiers. They are on a combat mission. And you - their goal. More precisely, their goal is your money.

The ideal (spherical in vacuum) consultant brings the following benefits: it uses its experience to help you solve your problems. Keywords are underlined. That is, even in the ideal case, the consultant does not sit behind the wheel of your business, but merely helps you push your business out of a snowdrift ass . Press the gas and turn the steering wheel will still have to you personally.

But the ideal cases are ideal and that they do not occur in nature. And there are the following cases in different combinations:

Two-handed saw . Consulting costs are a great way to launder a bit of cash, even in completely white and fluffy companies. Because hell knows how much a consultant costs. He does not dig a ditch, does not lay a brick. Papers writing. You will not find any rules or FIR on consulting. If you are not impudent, you can cooperate very well and mutually beneficially. Nasotrudnichat yourself a new BMW or something else useful.

Do my job. Oh, this is the eternal milking machine! Idiots who want to justify their own incompetence by the need to attract consultants will never be converted. HR directors order consultants to develop motivation programs, procurement directors order procurement processes, project managers order project risk research. Never in your life will a third-party uncle do a job better than a professional appointed to a full-time position! And if you, God forbid, a business owner, and your director comes to you for something with a request to pay for consultants, then there is a reason to look for a new director. Because either he is an incompetent idiot, or he really wants a new BMW. Or both that, and another. The only exception is ...

Not gold, but platinum. Here, for example, you decided to cut a couple of hundred suckers of employees to throw in the remaining money and descend a bit to yourself. Since you don’t want to spoil relations with the rest, and to be beaten in the evening at the entrance too, you use the eternal childish trick “it's not me - they are” Consultants from renowned offices are hired, who “conduct research,” write thick reports, and issue recommendations that you tacitly commission by order from the Chief Boss himself. And then you can hunt and sigh together with the saddened employees, shake your fists angrily towards the Chief and buy all the offended vodka with the premium allocated to you for saving the FOT. At the same time earn yourself the skill "Father to Soldiers" (+3 to charm). In other words, the consultants in this case act as catalysts for the changes, on which the righteous anger of the humiliated and insulted is redirected.

On this, in fact, the thought stops. An idealist in me yells that this is a cynical lie, that there are more seminars, an increase in operational efficiency, a lot of improvement and extension techniques, and that all of them can be given to you by consultants! Yes, consultants can give. And you can do it yourself, if only you deign to unbind your ass from the chair, distribute everything around the stars to you, without a doubt starting from yourself. What is impossible? Well then wait to visit a couple of androids. And do not forget to reserve a place in the parking lot, and they will no longer respect you.

In general, pleasant to you, colleagues, weekends, and do not bother yourself with any nonsense. The head is our working tool. A working tool must be kept clean and dry.