Original summary

The summary has come to bank

Ivan Abramovich Left

Kharkov, rent an apartment
house. no
mob don't call anyway, you will lose your resume, I'll call you myself.
')

Position:

Lead developer, project manager. A deep understanding of the software development industry in terms of outsourcing, unwinding the customer on the headstock, creating a powerful visibility of the team and the development of the project with a real zero return and the programmers have no skills whatsoever.
Great experience in managing teams of students who know nothing (HIRE), pompous graduates who know something (KhAI), and know something about clever freeloaders who will still be paid for a bigger salary or abroad (PhysTech / MehMat KSU) in two months.
A deep understanding of negotiating with customers / investors, knowledge of discounts in all prestigious saunas, clubs and, hmm ... massage centers.

Awards and certificates:

* Brainbench - all possible certificates, including English, which I received when the bench was still free and I was not figs to do.
* MCSE - issued in the last large company where I worked, forcing
memorize the answers to the tests and giving a small bribe to a certification company.
* Third place in the regional mathematics Olympiad in the eighth grade, which I am still very proud of (the teams of the 27th and 89th schools at the time came down with a full complement after joint drinking).

Professional skills:

Languages:

* C / C ++ - read Straustrup a half times. I have about a dozen stupid unnecessary in life podnachek, which I can break off at the interview of any clever man. Actually, C ++ is not an object-oriented language, not like Java or SmallTalk.
* JAVA - unlike C ++, it is a language in which I can really write a demo version of any mega-order and confidently expand it within six months. Java is a real object-oriented language!
* PHP, C #, VB, JS, DHTML, Delphi, Pyton, Perl, Tcl / Tk, and a lot of clever words - anyway, I’m so bent on the interview that some boy specialist will be afraid to fart, not exactly ask me on these items.

Database:

I know Oracle, ok? Everything else sucks! In MySQL, even transactions are not, do not make me laugh! I will not answer according to Oracl anyway, because I am the project manager, and not some DBA.

Operating Systems:

Windows and UNIX - I own equally. A deep understanding of the architecture and design of these systems, system and application levels.
To be honest, I once saw an old Solaris from afar, but I have a friend, he works as a night administrator in an Internet cafe and knows how to get a user to FreeBSD - if anything - he will help.
I know that in Windows there is NativeAPI.

The rest of the trendy crap:

I am fluent in bugtracking, version control, automatic updates, work scheduling. I know Microsoft Project and ways to suppress the mind of a novice developer with the help of sadistic work schedules.
I draw huge, awesome diagrams in Rational Rose that don't care
no one will understand anything, but the customer will be impressed, and the programmer-performers are confused and frightened (as required).
The language is well hung, I know the names of all the classic books, I am ready to argue about abstractions at any time: OOP, design and architecture, relational databases.
I know by heart how one gang of four pattern differs from another. The templates themselves do not know.

Experience (in direct order):

1. Laboratory at the university

We bought a stump in our department, and none of the humanities did not know what to do with it. I typed up the papers, ran the postgraduate students Lines, and the head of the department - the tapeworm. For this, they set me off, gave me a white coat, and started a workbook to take work experience. The book is still on the department, in any company it is not taken.

2. Serious Institute

After stalking a year after graduation, I got a job as a programmer at the Institute. Real programmers have been in the Soviet Union, they are all sixty years old, some of them work at Microsoft! All young programmers are no longer that!
Programmers at the Institute smoked "Cosmos" and drew flowcharts, which they then gave to the drawing department, from where they in a complex way went for approval.
I ran for cigarettes and drawings for a year, and in my free time I read Straustrup. Then I did not know how programmers work in Kharkov.
A year later, I left the Institute for the Bank. The institute was classified, therefore, what we wrote there - I do not know until now.

3. Bank

In the Bank, we wrote a huge distributed system on Oracle. For some reason, the salary at the end of each month was still hit on the old version of FoxPro.
The head of the IT department of the Bank took orders on the Internet and gave them to write to young programmers. In the Bank, I learned to convince myself extremely convincingly of work, earn money, create the appearance of work, write in PHP and keep up a conversation about Oracle in the smoking room.
Stroustrup I no longer read. And generally nothing more about programming
I did not read.

4. Very Large Kharkiv Firm (OKHF)

Just before the crisis, I got into the OKHF thanks to a serious resume (Institute, Bank) and knowledge of Oracle. In OKHF I went to seminars, presentations, parties and to the dining room. Sometimes I was going to install Windows on my machine, but somehow I didn’t get a hand.
At the OKHF, we talked a lot about philosophy, enterprise-technology, programming languages ​​and relational databases. I learned a lot in OKHF, but the main thing that I was hammered into there was that I am a VERY steep programmer because I work in the OKHF.
I also found out the names of a mass of books, many of which are still not in Russian, but they were in the library of the OKHF. In any case, it was considered so to be.
Then the crisis struck and I was kicked out with the others.

5. Kharkiv Small Outsourcing Firm (KhMAF)

During the crisis, it was hard to find a job, but after the experience of Ponte OKHF, as well as due to solid experience, knowledge of banking and enterprise technologies and a cool resume, I found myself in a comparatively easy way at the HMAF.
For two and a half years of work there, the team has completely changed four times, and the name of the company three times. I led a lot of projects, honing the ability to communicate with the customer and wet programmers. In addition, I always knew the moment when the project began to sink, and knew how to push responsibility onto someone else in time.
It seems that one project in the KhMAF was still almost completed, but then it was lost during the repair of the office and the introduction of a new management system (RUP + extreme programming + something different).
At HMAF, I reached an almost complete understanding of Ukrainian Software Development and how to succeed in it. However, I still had some illusions about the fact that maybe someone somewhere writes something real and working.
Fortunately, these illusions dissipated after I was invited to work in:

6. The Coolest Company (SKK)

In the CCM, I am currently working as a field manager. The huge projects that the CCM has been performing since time immemorial will never fail, because none of them will ever end and will never work.
As for medium-sized projects, they collapse with high skill and profit, sometimes even a stunned customer remains convinced that he got what he wanted.
I don't give a damn about my current place of work, I don't give a damn about programmers and customers, as you see, I learned a DAO IT manager.
I will consider any proposal for a job change, if you offer a salary twice as large as I have now, and without hesitation I’ll give up this CCM. In addition, there is already starting to smell fried because of the last two failed projects, for which I received awards and a loan for a car.

Waiting for your suggestions, Lord!

(the original is on this link , but because of the terrible layout of the site, I posted a summary right here so that you do not have to break your eyes)